Spark Chapter 3.3 - Detonation

The voice came from directly overhead. Cha Hongjo coughed, waving a hand at Go Baekwoo instead of speaking. Go away. Get out.

But there was no chance of that happening. A large hand settled on his back. The tall presence that seemed to be pressing down on the top of his head descended.

Without hesitation, Go Baekwoo knelt on the dirt floor, stroking Cha Hongjo’s back and forearms, and asked, “What’s wrong? Are you sick? Huh? Hongjo, Cha Hongjo.”

“……Ah.”

Finally, the coughing subsided, and Go Baekwoo called again, “Hongjo.” Cha Hongjo, still with his head bowed, only blinked. Moisture that had welled up in the corners of his eyes trickled down.

“……Cha Hongjo.”

“…….”

Cha Hongjo cleared his sore throat and slowly raised his upper body. At the same time, he rubbed his cheek against the inside of his wrist. Whether he had genuinely cried or it was a physiological reaction, he had no intention of showing tears in front of anyone. Hoping his face would appear normal when he faced Go Baekwoo, he fully raised his head.

“You’re not sick, are you?”

“……How did you get here?”

The first words they each wanted to say to the other came out. Their voices overlapped, and a brief silence followed. Cha Hongjo asked again,

“How did you know to come here?”

It wasn’t for nothing that his throat tightened the moment he saw Go Baekwoo’s face. Frankly, he was very surprised.

This place was unknown to anyone but his family, and the family Cha Hongjo knew was almost entirely deceased, or as good as dead, having severed contact and living as strangers.

For Go Baekwoo to have followed him here meant he had either been tailing him from the start or had investigated him, one or the other.

However, he hadn’t felt any presence at all until now. Moreover, at his father’s grave… If Go Baekwoo had overheard what he had said there, he would have jumped out right then. The Go Baekwoo that Cha Hongjo knew would definitely have done that.

Then it must have been an investigation. Although Go Baekwoo currently wore the guise of ‘High Entertainment,’ behind that facade was the ‘Kumyang Godfather.’ It would have been easy to investigate a single actor. He probably figured out where he might go if he disappeared and followed him here.

Having reached a conclusion before even hearing an answer, Cha Hongjo waited for Go Baekwoo’s pretty lips to open. Would he honestly admit to investigating him, or would he make up an excuse?

“……You.”

Go Baekwoo rolled his eyes as if in thought for a moment before speaking.

“I got a call saying you were alone.”

It was an unexpected answer.

“Park Solchan?”

“Yeah.”

Cha Hongjo carefully observed Go Baekwoo’s expression. He didn’t seem to be lying.

“And then?”

“I told my manager to follow you.”

“…….”

Go Baekwoo was also staring intently at Cha Hongjo, as if observing him, and he didn’t miss the moment his expression subtly crumbled. Feigning ignorance, he continued.

“I got another call and heard you were here. I waited…and then I thought I should come myself.”

“……Is that all?”

“That’s all.”

“And……”

Cha Hongjo was shaken. He was certain he hadn’t been followed, but Park Solchan had been following him? Why hadn’t he noticed? Now that the curtain before his eyes had been lifted, he felt as if he’d witnessed something terrible.

“Did you…hear what I did?”

“Yeah.”

Go Baekwoo nodded. Cha Hongjo bit his lower lip for a moment. His blood ran cold. The chill he hadn’t felt due to the alcohol suddenly enveloped his skin. He felt like he was freezing to death. His jaw trembled.

“……What did I…do?”

“You just…visited your father’s grave.”

“…….”

“Isn’t that right?”

“……Right.”

Cha Hongjo instinctively reached for a cigarette. The hand holding the lighter trembled.

“Cha Hongjo.”

Just as he brought his thumb to the flint, his wrist was suddenly grabbed.

“You look sick.”

Go Baekwoo murmured, taking the cigarette from Cha Hongjo’s lips and covering his cheek with his palm.

“Why are you so cold…?”

Go Baekwoo’s hand felt too hot.

“Because it’s winter.”

“You were outside for a long time, weren’t you? This won’t do.”

Go Baekwoo, who had been kneeling, abruptly stood up and took off his coat, draping it over Cha Hongjo’s shoulders. Cha Hongjo stared down at where the long legs were pacing, instead of at the pretty face.

“Whose house is this?”

At the question, he creakingly raised his gaze like a rusty pump.

“My grandfather’s house.”

“……Is he inside?”

Cha Hongjo shook his head.

“No one’s here.”

Even though it was dark and difficult to see clearly, the house looked dilapidated enough to be called abandoned based on its exterior alone. Go Baekwoo nodded briefly, as if he understood.

“Let’s just warm you up and go.”

“…….”

“Do you want to go home right away?”

“I’m not going home.”

Cha Hongjo got up, turned around, and opened the sliding door. Creak… Then, bowing his head, he looked back at Go Baekwoo. Go Baekwoo, who had been blankly staring at Cha Hongjo’s eyes, took off his shoes and stepped onto the porch. Meanwhile, Cha Hongjo entered the house and left the door open.

The house, entered only to block the cold wind, was freezing, but unexpectedly, there was electricity. The rooms he glanced at were quite tidy considering they seemed to have been left alone. A small room with a palm-sized TV. Geometric patterns repeated on the floor, and yellow tape covered the seams. The wallpaper was faded but not torn and was neatly applied. After looking around the room, Go Baekwoo sat down opposite Cha Hongjo, who was leaning against one wall.

Cha Hongjo looked different in the light. His hair was dishevelled, and there was dirt on the sleeves and hem of his coat. His knees and pant legs were also stained with mud, and bits of ivory-colored grass clung here and there. That could happen after visiting a grave, but Cha Hongjo looked like he had rolled around in the mountains as well. Had he stumbled while wandering on unfamiliar mountain paths? Furthermore.

“Cha Hongjo, look at me.”

Go Baekwoo leaned forward to check Cha Hongjo’s face, which was deeply bowed. Cha Hongjo quickly turned his face away as if to avoid him, then slowly raised his head.

“…….”

Even after drinking heavily and sleeping, his face didn’t swell this much. Cha Hongjo’s eyelids were thicker than usual, and his lips were swollen. His cheeks were pale, but his eyes and lips were red. He looked like he had been crying for a long time.

“What happened?”

“What happened.”

Cha Hongjo slid down the wall as he repeated the question. At the same time, his eyes, which had lingered on Go Baekwoo, dropped.

“Your face looks like something happened.”

Go Baekwoo said, removing a thin blade of grass from Cha Hongjo’s hair, which was plastered against the wall. Cha Hongjo followed Go Baekwoo’s hand with his gaze.

“What does it look like?”

Cha Hongjo picked up the discarded blade of grass and rubbed it between his thumb and forefinger. The long-dead, dried blade of grass crumbled with a crackle.

“Swollen.”

“I’m tired.”

“And red.”

“That’s because I’m cold.”

“You cried, didn’t you?”

“…….”

The hand that had been fiddling with the crumbled grass stopped.

“If you go out, there’s a kerosene stove and a rice container near the back door,” Cha Hongjo said in his usual tone. It was a sudden change of subject, but Go Baekwoo listened attentively.

“There’s…a box somewhere over there. There’s soju in it. Bring it. If it’s not there, just leave it.”

It was where his grandfather, a heavy drinker, kept the alcohol he bought in advance. His grandfather always made sure there was plenty of alcohol, even if the rice container was empty. Judging by how everything seemed to be in its place, the alcohol probably hadn’t disappeared either.

Go Baekwoo went out of the room without a word. Sounds of rummaging and running water could be heard from outside. Before long, Go Baekwoo returned with the box and two soju glasses.

“I brought it all because there wasn’t much. There were glasses too. Here, I washed them.”

Thud. Go Baekwoo set the box down on the floor and then placed the glasses side by side in front of Cha Hongjo and himself. Cha Hongjo checked inside the box and chuckled softly. The box was full except for the space where one bottle would fit.

“There’s quite a lot, though?”

“……So you can drink as much as you want.”

“You talk prettily…just like you look…”

Cha Hongjo held out his glass as Go Baekwoo offered the bottle.

Once both glasses were filled, they toasted and each emptied their share.

“You only drink that one.”

After drinking only one glass, Cha Hongjo said. Go Baekwoo, pouring more alcohol into his own glass, asked,

“Why?”

“You’re driving.”

“Why would I drive?”

“Aren’t you going back to Seoul?”

“You said you weren’t going home.”

It was quite a while after dinner. He could vividly feel the alcohol burning down his practically empty stomach. Go Baekwoo slightly furrowed one brow, wiped his mouth, and poured more alcohol into his glass.

“If you’re not going, I’m not going either.”

“What good is it if the CEO doesn’t go to work?”

“Tomorrow is Sunday.”

“Oh, is it?”

Cha Hongjo looked at the calendar hanging on the wall behind Go Baekwoo. The faded calendar was stuck on November, six years ago.

“Then you’ll have to go the day after tomorrow.”

“Yeah, you too.”

“No.”

Cha Hongjo flatly refused, downed his drink, and then spoke again.

“I’m not going.”

Go Baekwoo narrowed his eyes.

“Why?”

“Because I want to stay here.”

“Until when?”

“I don’t know…”

“…….”

One bottle was already empty. Cha Hongjo took out a new bottle from the box, and Go Baekwoo put a cigarette in his mouth. Click, the bottle cap twisted open. Flick, the lighter’s flint rolled. Then, as if prearranged, they switched roles. Go Baekwoo put the cigarette that was in his mouth into Cha Hongjo’s mouth and took the bottle from him, tilting it over the glass.

“Why do you want to stay here?”

Go Baekwoo asked, lighting the new cigarette and fiddling with the glass. The smoke Cha Hongjo exhaled momentarily clouded his vision.

“I want to be alone.”

“……I won’t go to your house. Let’s go back to Seoul.”

“There are too many people who know me there.”

“Do you think it will be any different here?”

“…….”

Cha Hongjo didn’t answer and drank his alcohol. Go Baekwoo took a drag of his cigarette, exhaled the smoke, and continued.

“Hongjo, if something happened…”

“Nothing happened.”

“Can you tell me?”

“Nothing happened.”

Cha Hongjo screwed up his face as if annoyed and rubbed his face with his palm. The eyes that finally met his were jet black, as if shielded by multiple layers of defense. But Go Baekwoo instinctively sensed that something existed beyond that.

“You’re lying.”

“Fuck, seriously…”

“Nothing happened, but you cried?”

“……Ha.”

“Don’t hide it. It’s all showing.”

Had he lied even though he had seen and heard everything? Cha Hongjo was shaken by Go Baekwoo’s firm attitude. If it had been like before, he would have reacted with an indifferent expression, as if he didn’t care what Go Baekwoo said, or smiled and brushed it off. But now, he didn’t know how to react. If a blank expression and a smile were useless, all that remained was crying, but he didn’t want to cry in front of Go Baekwoo. It would feel like admitting everything. The words he muttered to himself in front of his father’s grave, the tears that finally burst forth, all the truth and lies…

“Did you get possessed by a shaman or something? Acting like you know everything.”

Cha Hongjo said with a stiff face.

He had acted in movies, but acting in front of Go Baekwoo was difficult. How had he fooled Go Baekwoo before? The solid defense he had built over the years, once cracked, began to crumble rapidly. He had never learned how to rebuild it. Go Baekwoo kept pushing forward relentlessly. He was infinite. Unlike himself, he never showed his bottom.

“Yeah, I cried.”

He was embarrassed.

“But is that important? Everyone cries. It’s not a big deal. Why are you making a fuss, fuck. Baekwoo. Even if I cried, what can you do about it? Aren’t you just disappointed that I didn’t cry in front of you? Should I cry again now? Shall I let you comfort me until you’re satisfied?”

He finally spewed the sharp emotions that had been swirling within him, scratching at Go Baekwoo. The words that followed tumbled out haphazardly, without any calculation.

“Why did I cry? I cried because life is so fucking shitty. Because I hate myself. I, I cried because of myself.”

At those words, Go Baekwoo’s face also contorted.

“Baekwoo, there’s nothing you can do. You and…”

Cha Hongjo poked Go Baekwoo’s chest with his fingertip, as if pushing him away. Then he pressed his own chest.

“I’m a different person.”

“…….”

“Don’t worry about me…”

Cha Hongjo murmured, tilting his head so far that his cheek touched his shoulder. His lowered bangs covered his eyes.

“Don’t waste your life on me.”

“……It’s not wasting.”

Go Baekwoo murmured, carefully brushing aside Cha Hongjo’s bangs.

“It’s giving.”

Cha Hongjo was looking down at the floor.

“Curiosity, interest, affection…everything to you.”

“Who,”

Black eyes shot up sharply.

“told you to?”

“No one did.”

“Then stop.”

“It’s not like that, this… It’s not something you do because someone tells you to, and it’s not something you can stop at will.”

Stop at a red light, raise your hand at a green light and cross slowly. As if teaching a child how to cross the street, Go Baekwoo spoke softly.

“It’s just…like a rule that already exists in the world. A rule you have to follow if you love someone.”

“…….”

Cha Hongjo pressed his lips together tightly. His eyes and cheeks twitched, and his gaze wandered, lost, before finally returning to Go Baekwoo.

Go Baekwoo wrapped his hand around Cha Hongjo’s.

The eyes that used to be constantly brimming with dew-like tears were now as hard as frozen ground. The light-colored eyes, like weak tea, were deeper and more intense than usual. His unwavering sincerity was revealed in that way. He was helplessly captivated by those eyes.

“If you want to break the rule, you have to go back to the past, lose your memory, or die.”

“…….”

Cha Hongjo, terrified, slid his gaze sideways. He saw the hair hanging over the beautifully curved ear. It seemed to flutter even though there was no wind. He trembled. Only the hand held by Go Baekwoo remained stubbornly still.

“Otherwise, there’s nothing you can do, really…Hongjo.”

A buzzing sound began, like right before an earthquake.

“From the moment I first saw you.”

The buzzing, the ringing in his ears, and Go Baekwoo’s voice mixed together. And finally.

“I can’t help but love you.”

The buzzing and the ringing died down instantly, and only Go Baekwoo’s voice resonated clearly.

“I can’t help but love you.”

The sentence, neither long nor short, burrowed into his ears and lodged itself in his mind.

I love you.

It takes over.

“So don’t tell me not to care, don’t tell me it’s a waste… Don’t tell me to stop, don’t tell me not to like you…”

Go Baekwoo, who had been speaking calmly like an adult all along, finished his confession once more and suddenly pleaded like a child, his voice trembling. The firm, strong eyes softened, and tears streamed down like a sudden downpour. Bending at the waist, Go Baekwoo buried his face in Cha Hongjo’s hand, which he was clutching, and sobbed.

“Don’t go where I can’t see you… Hongjo.”

As soon as Go Baekwoo’s gaze fell, Cha Hongjo’s face crumpled. Go Baekwoo’s cries pounded and twisted his heart. The broad, solid back, like a wall, heaved beneath him. Go Baekwoo cried easily in front of him. Were his tears, like curiosity, interest, and affection, also something he gave only to him, as Go Baekwoo had said?

“Don’t be alone…”

If ‘giving’ was the rule of love set by the world, he was breaking it. He abused the loopholes and escaped to a blind spot. That was because that’s what the world Cha Hongjo knew had taught him about love.

“Hongjo, let’s…stay together…”

Go Baekwoo and he were born and lived in completely different worlds. Therefore, Go Baekwoo’s belief was both right and wrong. Cha Hongjo gripped the hot hand holding him even tighter, until his knuckles ached.

“Stay with me…”

Why did it feel so distant when it was so tangibly real?

“Hongjo… Hongjo.”

“…….”

He heard a confession of love, he was drenched in earnest tears, he was desperately called.

“……Sorry.”

Why was that the only answer he could give Go Baekwoo?

“I’m sorry, Go Baekwoo.”

Cha Hongjo briefly squeezed his burning eyes shut.

He held the hand Go Baekwoo offered, but he didn’t have the courage to cross the cliff. Coward.

“…….”

“…….”

Did he hear the apology? Was it drowned out by the sobs, or was his voice too quiet? Cha Hongjo looked down at Go Baekwoo’s back, which had suddenly become quiet. The large back was still heaving, but he could no longer hear the cries. Their two hands, fingers tightly intertwined as if they might break, remained as they were.

Then Go Baekwoo stopped all movement, like a statue. He didn’t tremble, nor did he straighten up to look at Cha Hongjo. Cha Hongjo clenched his free hand into a fist, then opened it and carefully cupped the top of Go Baekwoo’s head as if touching a hot flame. And he bent down, resting his cheek on Go Baekwoo’s back.

The two figures, embracing and overlapping, looked like a grave.

It was quiet.

Cha Hongjo, unfamiliar with the excessive peace, remained still and silent.

Go Baekwoo also remained silent, afraid that Cha Hongjo would disappear once the silence lifted.

He filled the emptiness within him with alcohol, equal to the emotions he had poured out. As the empty bottles steadily piled up, there was no conversation. The two men took silence as their companion. Go Baekwoo drank much more than Cha Hongjo. It was predictable that Go Baekwoo, with his lower alcohol tolerance than Cha Hongjo, would fall asleep first.

They drank until dawn, and by the time Go Baekwoo fell asleep, the sun had already risen. Cha Hongjo staggered to his feet and turned off the fluorescent light. He covered Go Baekwoo’s body with both Go Baekwoo’s coat and his own. Go Baekwoo, his earlobes, cheeks, and the tip of his nose flushed red, stirred slightly. His sleeping face looked like an angel painted on a foreign candy wrapper.

Go Baekwoo should have been the actor, not me. Cha Hongjo suddenly thought as he watched the sleeping Go Baekwoo. No, Go Baekwoo looked the part, but he was so innocently honest that he probably had no talent for acting.

How did it…

‘I can’t help but love you.’

…come to this?

Cha Hongjo hoped Go Baekwoo would find someone who suited him. In that moment of wishful thinking, a bitter lump rose in his throat, and a stinging pain shot through his chest, but he meant it. Flowers should meet flowers and bloom into new flowers, and waste should be disposed of with other waste. He was not a beneficial nutrient for Go Baekwoo.

Cha Hongjo, having taken off his shirt and socks, walked barefoot into the living room/kitchen. The tile floor was ice-cold. His toes curled involuntarily. He crouched by the sink and turned the faucet. He had been surprised yesterday as well, but water came out. He touched the trickling water, wondering if ice had formed in the pipes. It was cold enough to make him shiver, but it was the perfect temperature to chase away the alcohol and drowsiness.

He washed the overturned rubber basin next to him, placed it under the faucet, and began to fill it with water. Staring blankly at the slowly filling basin, he realized there was no toothbrush, toothpaste, or soap in the house.

He went back inside. He passed the room where Go Baekwoo was sleeping and entered the room at the end of the hall. Someone, whoever it was, seemed to have been cleaning regularly, but the stale smell of dust, peculiar to empty houses, lingered in the air. When he opened the drawers, the smell of mothballs and old fabric wafted out.

Cha Hongjo changed into his grandfather’s clothes. Navy blue elastic-waist pants with stretched-out knees, a thin white t-shirt suitable for midsummer, and a khaki jumper his grandfather favored when going out for drinks in cool weather.

Cha Hongjo, now dressed completely differently from when he arrived in this village, went to the room where Go Baekwoo was sleeping and took his wallet and cigarettes. He tried to be careful not to wake him, but Go Baekwoo was sleeping soundly.

He went straight to the small store where he had bought the alcohol yesterday. Today, someone was there. The sound of a TV drifted from a small room attached to the store, and soon a woman who looked to be in her mid-to-late fifties, or perhaps early sixties, poked her head out. Their eyes met, but he didn’t greet her, simply piling the items he needed onto his forearm.

“Young man.”

The woman called out as she emerged from the small room. Cha Hongjo, who was grabbing four packets of ramen, turned towards her.

“You were the one who took the soju and cigarettes yesterday and left the money, right?”

“Yes.”

Cha Hongjo placed the items he was carrying on the table where he had left the money before. What else did he need… Ah, soap. He had originally come to buy soap and a toothbrush but almost forgot.

He scanned the neatly organized items. He felt the woman’s gaze, as if she were scanning him.

It was easy to find items in a store small enough to see at a glance. He spotted soap, a toothbrush, and toothpaste on a shelf close to the floor and walked over. Then he bent down.

“Are you…by any chance…the grandson of the Cha family?”

The woman asked. His hand, reaching for the soap, hesitated for a moment, but then moved again, grabbing the soap, toothbrush, and toothpaste in turn.

“Yes.”

Cha Hongjo replied monotonously. He had thought they wouldn’t sell shampoo in a rural place like this because no one would use it, but there it was. He grabbed a bottle of shampoo, tucked it under his arm, and stood up.

“Oh my, oh my, I knew it!”

The woman’s face brightened as she rushed towards him. She took the items Cha Hongjo was holding and placed them on the table, then suddenly grabbed both his hands and shook them.

“Now that I see you like this, I know for sure, you look exactly the same as when you were a baby! My goodness, look how tall you are. Like bamboo. You’ve grown well, you’ve grown well… Do you remember me?”

Cha Hongjo let the woman shake his hands as he tried to recall who she was. But he couldn’t remember. His childhood was blurry, except for the dirty stains. Besides, he hadn’t lived meticulously enough to remember people he wasn’t close to. In his vague memories, the owner of this store was an old woman with her white hair tied back in a bun. Then the woman in front of him was probably the old woman’s daughter or daughter-in-law.

“Don’t you remember? Well, you must have been busy living in Seoul. It’s alright. Oh, it’s so good to see you. When you were this small, you used to come holding your grandfather Cha’s hand and leave with candy. You were so cute, I remember… But why are you here? Did you come to pay your respects to your grandfather, grandmother, father…?”

“Yes.”

“Good boy, good boy.”

Cha Hongjo read pity in the woman’s face. The woman, staring intently at him with innocent eyes, glanced at the items he had brought.

“Are you staying for a few days?”

With toiletries and food, it was understandable that she would notice. Cha Hongjo nodded without denying it.

“Yes.”

“How long?”

“I don’t know, as long as I need to.”

Judging by her reaction, the woman didn’t seem to know ‘actor Cha Hongjo.’ Indeed, elderly people in the mountains rarely went to movie theaters, mostly watching TV dramas or the news. Talk of new movies and celebrities was outside their world. Cha Hongjo was relieved.

“Do you live in Seoul? What about work? Are you on vacation?”

“Yes, I live in Seoul. I only work occasionally.”

“You only work occasionally? What kind of work do you do?”

“Just…broadcasting.”

“Broadcasting station?”

“Yes.”

“Wonderful, wonderful.”

The woman patted Cha Hongjo’s buttocks. Touching a grown man’s buttocks like that would be a big deal in Seoul, but Cha Hongjo understood. People living here, where time flowed slower than in the city, lived in the past and present simultaneously. To the woman, Cha Hongjo was still ‘the child who used to come holding grandfather Cha’s hand and leave with candy.’

“You must be twenty-two now, right?”

“Exactly twenty.”

His broadcast age was older, but Cha Hongjo honestly stated his real age.

“Oh my, how cute. That little baby has grown this much, time really flies… You’re old enough to get married.”

Cha Hongjo smiled, pretending to be embarrassed.

“Don’t you have a girlfriend? If not, I’ll introduce you to someone.”

It was a question he often heard when dealing with older people. Cha Hongjo scratched the back of his head, feigning an awkward expression.

“I have one.”

“Really? What a waste… Whose daughter is she?”

“Well…”

The image of someone passed out like Sleeping Beauty, drunk on alcohol, flashed through his mind.

“Someone who also works in broadcasting.”

“Is she pretty?”

The woman nudged Cha Hongjo’s arm with her elbow and asked playfully. Cha Hongjo, as if picturing someone, looked into the air and answered with a smile.

“She’s very pretty, extremely.”

“Prettier than me?”

“Of course.”

“Oh, how mean!”

The woman burst into laughter. Cha Hongjo tried to lift the corners of his mouth to laugh along but realized he was genuinely smiling. His cheeks stiffened instantly.

What should have been a simple grocery run became somewhat lengthy due to the unexpected encounter. The woman kept asking Cha Hongjo this and that and chattering about trivial events that had happened in the rural village. Cha Hongjo replied politely but briefly. It was then. A question suddenly crossed his mind.

“Auntie, by the way,”

Cha Hongjo began.

“My grandfather’s house was clean, has someone been coming and going?”

The moment the question mark hung in the air, the woman, who had been lively throughout, hardened her expression frighteningly. She looked like an actor on stage. Sometimes reality was more contrived than a fabricated story, and real people changed their expressions more readily than actors.

“Did you visit the grave alone?”

The woman asked in return.

“Yes, I went alone and…”

“Haven’t you met yet?”

“Met who?”

“……You don’t know?”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“Oh dear…I thought…”

The woman shifted her body left and right, unsure what to do, then after a moment, she faced Cha Hongjo again and spoke hesitantly.

“I thought you came because there’s only one left now. Even that cruel woman…blood is thicker than water…”

“……Who?”

“Was it three or four years ago? Less? More?… Anyway, she came after your father’s funeral. She said she couldn’t face you, but she’s been coming and going to the empty house, cleaning and taking care of it, saying she’s atoning for her sins.”

“So, who?”

Cha Hongjo took a deep breath in frustration and rubbed his face. His palm covered his vision, and when the woman reappeared before his eyes.

“Kyunghee.”

He heard the words he had been waiting for, but would have been better off not hearing.

“Your mother.”

Back at the house with the blue gate, Cha Hongjo washed his hair, face, and teeth with ice-cold water. Then, after checking on Go Baekwoo, who was still asleep, he went to the kitchen. He set aside the side dishes the woman from the store had insisted on giving him, things like dried radish greens and dried pollack, and cleaned the kerosene stove and pot. He washed the dishes and spoons, and also the soju glasses they had used yesterday. He put the empty bottles in the box and left it haphazardly on the porch.

While the rice cooked on the stove, he lay down on the porch and smoked.

One cigarette.

‘M-Mommy, Mommy! It hurts, it hurts…’

‘Shut up, die! Die, die!’

Two cigarettes.

‘I shouldn’t have given birth to you, then neither you nor I would have…’

‘Stop it!’

Three cigarettes.

‘Dad, where did Mom go?’

‘Hongjo, you’re going to live without a mother now, just pretend she never existed. That woman is dead.’

‘…Mom is dead?’

‘Yes, think of it that way.’

‘Mom isn’t dead…’

‘Before I kill you too!’

‘…….’

‘Listen to your father.’

Four cigarettes.

[Condolence Money]

[Lee Kyunghee]

Five cigarettes…

Until the vile memories creeping out were covered by the smoke.

But it didn’t go as he wished.

Cha Hongjo threw the fifth cigarette butt into the yard and went inside. The rice was done. He moved the pot to the side, filled a new pot with water, and put it on to boil. He had originally planned to eat ramen, but since the woman had given him dried radish greens and dried pollack, his meal plan had changed. He looked back and forth between the dried radish greens and the dried pollack before choosing the latter. He thought dried pollack soup would be easier to make. It was also perfect for a hangover.

The clock in this house had stopped, and the calendar was stuck six years in the past. Cha Hongjo checked his wristwatch for the current time. Eleven a.m. He went to the room where Go Baekwoo was sleeping.

The face that had been flushed red when he last checked had returned to its original color. Skin that glowed white, as if it had absorbed the sunlight. Eyelashes resting on finely textured cheeks. Slightly parted red lips like seedless strawberries. The sleeping princess of the abandoned house. Cha Hongjo chuckled as he made up the strange title. He felt like he could watch the sleeping Go Baekwoo for hours, but he had to wake him up to eat together.

“Hey.”

Cha Hongjo knelt by Go Baekwoo’s head and stroked the white cheek with the side of his hand.

“Princess, wake up.”

Go Baekwoo’s eyebrows twitched, but he didn’t wake up. This time, Cha Hongjo cupped Go Baekwoo’s head, leaned down, and placed his lips near his ear.

“Wake up, honey. I made dried pollack soup.”

He laughed at his own prank. Cha Hongjo quickly turned his face away, covering his mouth and chuckling, before whispering to Go Baekwoo again.

“If you don’t wake up, I’m going to fuck your ass.”

“……I liked the second method best.”

Go Baekwoo murmured, opening his eyelids and smiling brightly. There was still sleep clinging to his open eyes, but it was clear he had been awake for a while. Cha Hongjo slapped Go Baekwoo’s cheek and left.

Go Baekwoo sat up, holding his cheek where Cha Hongjo had slapped him. His head felt like it was splitting from the hangover, but he couldn’t stop grinning.

“Wake up, honey…”

He repeated Cha Hongjo’s earlier whispered words in a playful tone, still grinning.

“I made dried pollack soup.”

Then, chuckling, he got up and headed towards where his ‘honey’ was waiting. The aroma of food wafting towards him was welcoming.

It was a leisurely afternoon. They woke up late, soothed their hangovers with a warm meal, and instead of the bustling cityscape, they sat on the porch, smoking cigarettes while watching the branches sway and the leaves tumble in the yard as if it were a painting.

The memories weren’t diluted by the alcohol. Go Baekwoo and Cha Hongjo clearly remembered the conversation they had last night. However, they didn’t speak about it any further. As if observing a moment of silence for the temporary peace.

The two men were sitting side-by-side with their legs dangling off the porch. Go Baekwoo, having just finished his cigarette, put his feet up on the wooden floor, turned towards Cha Hongjo, and sat cross-legged. Cha Hongjo stared into space as if there was no one beside him.

Cha Hongjo took a drag of his cigarette, now shortened by a finger’s length, and exhaled a long stream of smoke. The grey smoke, drifting like cirrus clouds, crossed his elegantly sculpted nose. Perhaps some smoke got in his eyes, as Cha Hongjo winced and rubbed them with his index finger. Then he tossed the butt at his feet and turned his head towards Go Baekwoo.

“Nice, isn’t it?”

Cha Hongjo asked abruptly, getting straight to the point as soon as their eyes met. Without further prompting, Go Baekwoo nodded quickly.

“Yeah, it’s nice.”

“Here.”

“Uh…yeah. Here too.”

Cha Hongjo turned his gaze back to the empty space.

“I don’t like it.”

“Here?”

Go Baekwoo’s gaze remained fixed on Cha Hongjo.

“Yeah, here.”

Cha Hongjo took a sip from the glass of water beside him and lit a new cigarette. As he took the first drag, he swung his legs hanging off the porch and moved his lips.

“I was…going to buy this place.”

“Ah, you said it was your grandfather’s house.”

“Yeah, but I’m not going to buy it.”

“Why?”

“Someone I absolutely must not meet lives here.”

Cha Hongjo puffed out a cloud of smoke, filling his chest, and leaned his head against Go Baekwoo’s chest. Go Baekwoo hesitated for a moment, then stiffened his torso so Cha Hongjo could be comfortable. He fidgeted with the hand resting on the wooden floor before bringing it up to Cha Hongjo’s ear. Soft hair wrapped around his fingers.

“Someone you absolutely must not meet?”

“Someone who tried to kill me. Someone I want to kill now.”

“……Who?”

“My mother.”

The hand that had been playing with Cha Hongjo’s earlobe paused, and a chilly breeze passed by.

“I forgot that my dad and mom were childhood friends. It’s not strange that she would be here…I didn’t think of it. I believed she was dead. She died a long time ago. Before I started school. So I don’t even remember her face.”

Go Baekwoo had no response to the story recited in a flat tone, as if reading a boring book. Go Baekwoo simply started to touch Cha Hongjo’s hair again.

“I found out later that she was alive. Before that, I really thought she might be dead. I thought maybe my dad killed her… But she sent condolence money to my dad’s funeral. I didn’t see her… No, maybe I saw her but didn’t recognize her. Because I forgot her face. Still, I left her as a dead person in my mind…”

Go Baekwoo’s gaze momentarily went to the cigarette pack beside him, but he refrained from smoking, worried it might make Cha Hongjo, leaning against him, uncomfortable.

“After my dad died, the mother I thought was dead came back…”

He murmured, then tilted his head up to look at Go Baekwoo.

“Do you know how it feels when you find out someone you thought was dead is alive?”

This time, it was a question Go Baekwoo could answer. Because Go Baekwoo also had someone who had died and come back to life in his heart.

“Yeah.”

“How did it feel?”

Cha Hongjo didn’t ask who it was, only how it felt.

“……How did it feel…”

Go Baekwoo recalled the time his father suddenly appeared at the tea room. How did it feel… How could he explain the feeling he had then?

“I resented him, and also…”

“…….”

“…I was glad.”

Although he didn’t know for sure, Cha Hongjo seemed to harbor ill feelings towards his mother, so he didn’t know if his own feelings would affect or help Cha Hongjo in any way.

“I…hated myself too.”

“Why?”

“Because when one person appeared, I had to leave the other. It was impossible to be next to both of them at the same time. So…”

“You can’t help it, you’re only one person.”

“Yeah, that’s true, but…”

It wasn’t something to laugh about, but both of them chuckled emptily.

Go Baekwoo, a smile on his face, placed his lips on Cha Hongjo’s forehead. At the same time, Cha Hongjo stopped laughing and spoke in a quiet, subdued voice.

“Baekwoo.”

“Yeah.”

“Don’t try to take responsibility.”

“……For what?”

“For anything.”

Go Baekwoo brushed Cha Hongjo’s bangs back, kissed his forehead again, and then raised his head, looking directly into Cha Hongjo’s face.

“You always tell me not to do things.”

Cha Hongjo pulled away from Go Baekwoo’s embrace and lay down on the porch. His gaze remained fixed on Go Baekwoo. Go Baekwoo leaned towards him.

“That’s not what I want to hear from you.”

A shadow fell over Cha Hongjo.

Go Baekwoo pressed down on Cha Hongjo’s shoulder and slowly stroked his neck and cheek with his other hand. Cha Hongjo turned his head away, avoiding his gaze.

“The words you want. You’ll never hear them from me.”

“……Why are you…being so cruel?”

At the question, Cha Hongjo murmured, staring at the darkness nestled between the floorboards.

“It’s not cruelty, it’s giving up.”

“So you want me to give up too?”

“Yeah.”

“What did you give up on?”

Go Baekwoo, struggling to control his rising voice, pushed Cha Hongjo’s face to make him look at him.

The other’s image, reflected in his dark pupils, was momentarily covered by eyelids and then revealed again. At that moment, Cha Hongjo opened his lips and uttered just one word.

“Me.”

“……Is that so?”

Go Baekwoo pressed down hard on Cha Hongjo’s shoulder and wedged his knee between his legs.

“Then.”

Cha Hongjo stared into the brown eyes that radiated an intense light, despite casting a shadow over him.

“Since you’ve given up anyway, give yourself to me.”

“Ha…you idiot.”

He had just told him not to take responsibility. Cha Hongjo twisted his lips into a crooked smile.

“Once you have me, you’ll want to kill me too.”

Even if he lived, there would come a day when he would never want to see him again. A day would surely come when he would want to completely erase him from his mind and heart. He would hold a funeral without a body. That was how the life and death of every relationship Cha Hongjo had experienced and witnessed had played out. It was fate. If fate could be defied, humans wouldn’t wish for happiness. Fate was controlled by misfortune.

“I’d rather die before that happens.”

He uttered the resolutely decided plan without hesitation.

Just yesterday, right here. Right before Go Baekwoo appeared, he had sat on the porch, staring at the yard, and thought, I should buy this house. Buy this place and die. The location had changed, but he had no intention of informing his mother of his death.

Go Baekwoo’s love. People’s attention. He had to die before those things faded and he was truly left alone. He didn’t want to be thrown back into solitary confinement.

‘I’ll never die like my father. I used to think that. But I guess we are similar. These days, I keep thinking I need to die. It’s hard waiting for the day I die… I think I understand why my father died.’

His father had planted too many relationships beyond his capacity, and in the end, unable to handle them, he chose death to avoid responsibility.

He didn’t want to die after making a spectacle of himself, drowning in a self-made swamp like his father. That’s why he decided to leave before that happened.

‘…And so the prince and princess lived happily ever after.’

The reason people were fascinated by fairy tales was because they were fantasies. Fantasies that actually happened were called miracles. Sadly, Go Baekwoo seemed to be deceived by love, lost in fantasy, and waiting for a miracle, but Cha Hongjo had been deceived by love, driven out of fantasy, and distrusted miracles.

“If you die, I’ll die too.”

“Don’t do that.”

“Again, you’re telling me not to…”

Go Baekwoo would surely be able to find someone else who would offer him fantasy and whisper miracles, even if it wasn’t him. Because he was like a beautiful flower in a fairy tale illustration, like pure and simple prose.

“I love you, Cha Hongjo.”

If he got involved with him, Go Baekwoo wouldn’t have a happy ending. Cha Hongjo was certain of that outcome.

“I’ll say this every time you tell me not to.”

His eyes grew hot, as if he too had become prone to tears since yesterday.

“Don’t.”

“I love you.”

“Shut up…”

“I love you.”

“…….”

His throat tightened. Cha Hongjo’s Adam’s apple bobbed, and he covered his eyes with his forearm. But before even a second could pass, Go Baekwoo removed it. Go Baekwoo approached like light, illuminating his vision like a flash. Their noses touched.

“I love you, Hongjo.”

“…….”

He couldn’t help but love him.

Cursing the life he couldn’t direct as he pleased, Cha Hongjo opened his lips. I love you. His tongue, etched with the words like a tattoo, darted back inside.

The moment of breaking was happy.

Go Baekwoo pressed down on Cha Hongjo with increasing weight, and Cha Hongjo leaned closer, raising his upper body. Their tongues, which had only touched tips, became deeply intertwined. Then, Cha Hongjo, now fully sitting up, grabbed Go Baekwoo by the collar and tilted his head. Go Baekwoo tilted his head in the opposite direction, his large hand covering Cha Hongjo’s hair as if grasping it.

Cha Hongjo’s tongue slowly traced the roof of his mouth in an arch. Go Baekwoo’s tongue pressed against and licked the underside of his. Then, brushing against each other’s upper and lower teeth, they tied together like a ribbon before smoothly changing direction. When the other’s tongue entered deeply, he would purse his lips and suck as if to swallow, then lick his lips as if to soothe.

If their tongues were liquid, they would have long since mixed like watercolors in water. The taste spreading from their tongues and lips was sweet. As their noses touched, the scent of the fruity soap Cha Hongjo had bought today lingered. When he inhaled, he could smell the other’s unique scent emanating from deep within his skin. He was dizzy.

He couldn’t breathe.

But it felt like it would be okay to die like this.

The two people, entangled across a cliff, truly thought so.

They kissed, holding their breath until their foreheads and necks flushed red. It was around the time their drying lungs began to ache. Their joined lips suddenly parted. It was Cha Hongjo who pushed the other away first. At the same time, he shook off the hand that reached under his shirt.

Cha Hongjo roughly wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, then wiped Go Baekwoo’s slightly dazed lips as well. The red, swollen lips stretched and wrinkled wherever his hand went. Even after Cha Hongjo’s hand withdrew, Go Baekwoo simply stared at him with a vacant expression. Blink. Large, calf-like eyes blinked open and closed.

He was sitting outside in the middle of winter wearing only a t-shirt, yet he felt hot. Cha Hongjo wiped under his chin with the side of his hand again and fanned himself.

“Do you want to leave tonight, or tomorrow morning?”

Cha Hongjo asked casually, turning his eyes to Go Baekwoo. Only then did a little life return to Go Baekwoo’s dazed eyes.

“……What, where?”

“Seoul.”

“Ah.”

Cha Hongjo had no schedule for the next three days, but Go Baekwoo, even as a CEO in name only, still had to go to work every day. Facing reality, he sighed involuntarily. Go Baekwoo rubbed the space between his furrowed brows.

“Ha…I don’t know. What about you?”

“Tomorrow morning.”

Cha Hongjo answered as if he had been waiting. Go Baekwoo nodded. He had said he wasn’t going home yesterday.

He had said ‘someone I absolutely must not meet’… Cha Hongjo, who usually didn’t even talk much about what he had for lunch, uncharacteristically opened up. He didn’t think he had revealed everything, but he could tell that ‘that person,’ the subject of today’s conversation, was one of the burdens weighing down Cha Hongjo’s life.

“Okay, let’s leave early.”

“Yeah.”

Looking again, Cha Hongjo seemed like he wanted to run away from this place immediately. Though he might be mistaken.

“But you know,”

Go Baekwoo, who had been fidgeting with his hands as if playing a hand game, looked directly at Cha Hongjo and began to speak. His voice, which had dropped at the thought of Seoul, regained its vibrancy.

“Hongjo.”

“Yeah, what?”

Cha Hongjo, still fanning himself, replied somewhat irritably, and Go Baekwoo said with a bright smile,

“Let’s finish what we were doing earlier.”

Cha Hongjo stopped his fluttering hand and narrowed his eyes.

“No.”

“Why?”

“I’ve cooled down.”

“Then just a kiss.”

“No.”

“Not even just a kiss?”

“No.”

“Why?”

“Even a slut wants to be chaste sometimes.”

Cha Hongjo scoffed, as if acting. He didn’t reveal the real reason he didn’t want to. Still, Go Baekwoo understood. He was burning with desire, but he couldn’t force himself on Cha Hongjo if he didn’t want to. The patience he had learned since the beginning of his unrequited love came in handy even at times like these. However.

“You’re not a slut.”

No matter what, he didn’t like hearing ‘Cha Hongjo’ being insulted, even by himself.

“Retract that.”

“Then a dishrag.”

“You’re not a dishrag either.”

The world was currently praising Cha Hongjo with all sorts of positive adjectives, so why was he putting himself down? It didn’t make sense.

“Then what? A hole-in-the-wall?”

“A hole-in-the-wall?”

“Hole, in the wall.”

Cha Hongjo emphasized the word ‘hole.’ Go Baekwoo’s face crumpled.

“To meet men?”

“……Fuck, would I?”

“Then what about me?”

“…….”

“We did it.”

Cha Hongjo averted his gaze.

“Hongjo.”

Go Baekwoo suddenly grabbed Cha Hongjo’s cheeks. With his face squeezed from both sides, his handsome lips puckered out. Cha Hongjo frowned and pursed his lips like a goldfish. He looked so cute that Go Baekwoo almost burst out laughing, but he managed to maintain a serious expression and spoke in a deep voice.

“Do it with me tonight.”

“I shaid no.”

His pronunciation was messed up because his lips couldn’t move properly. Cha Hongjo tried to grab Go Baekwoo’s wrists and pull them away, but as he had experienced before, he couldn’t win if Go Baekwoo was determined to use his strength. In the end, he punched Go Baekwoo in the chest instead. He definitely hit him hard, but Go Baekwoo just grinned brightly.

“Dried pollack soup.”

“…….”

“Make it for me again, okay?”

“……Shit.”

Cha Hongjo cursed in response, then reached for Go Baekwoo’s chest, which was clad, like his, in only his grandfather’s thin t-shirt, and.

“Ow!”

…pinched and twisted his nipple.

Go Baekwoo yelped briefly and finally removed his hands from his cheeks.

He had thought it would be hard to find, being the smallest part of Go Baekwoo’s otherwise large body, but he somehow managed to locate it in one go. Cha Hongjo subtly twisted the corners of his lips and, turning his back on Go Baekwoo, slipped inside.

🔥

Around the time public curiosity about the rising star Cha Hongjo’s next project reached its peak, High Entertainment released an exclusive article through the Daehan Ilbo.

[Cha Hongjo, This Time a Rising Star in the Independent Film Scene]

The public was puzzled by the fact that Cha Hongjo, who had received numerous love calls from renowned production companies, chose a low-budget independent film for his next project.

Predictions about Cha Hongjo’s future as an actor were divided into two camps. He would be like the many actors who shone briefly like shooting stars and then faded away, or he would become an actor who pioneered a new path, unprecedented in Chungmuro.

‘I’ve chosen it, my next film.’

When Cha Hongjo first brought it up, Manager Kim Yongmin and the High Entertainment staff gulped nervously and excitedly. This was because the film Cha Hongjo chose from the mountain of scripts could, to some extent, determine the company’s future.

High Entertainment’s value had risen significantly thanks to Cha Hongjo, who had made a name for himself as ‘Director Kim’s rookie’ and then garnered attention for his acting skills, which were unusual for a newcomer. Although the agency had had so-called ‘successful’ actors and singers before, Cha Hongjo was the first star of this caliber. Therefore, the company had to carefully consider every single move Cha Hongjo made, not to mention his every step as an actor.

Therefore, although Cha Hongjo said he would choose his next project quietly on his own, the company’s stance was different. While he was on hiatus, Manager Kim Yongmin diligently met with film industry figures, including directors and production companies interested in Cha Hongjo. He sometimes called Cha Hongjo to join these meetings.

In such a situation, to choose a pebble when a gold bar was placed right in front of him. Manager Kim Yongmin didn’t like the film Cha Hongjo chose. No, it wasn’t just a matter of dislike; he was determined to persuade Cha Hongjo to choose a different film.

‘You said you thought Director Choi Palho’s work was decent, didn’t you?’

‘I said it was decent, not good.’

How happy he had been when a script from renowned director Choi Palho, who was on par with Director Kim, came in. But no matter how much he tried to persuade him, Cha Hongjo seemed determined not to budge. If an actor was put into a film they didn’t want to do, there was a high chance their performance would suffer. In the end, Manager Kim mentioned the name of a different director instead of Choi Palho.

‘What about Director Lee Hojin? I think his films would suit you perfectly.’