Spark Chapter 4.2 - Red Sea

Ting—

The elevator announced its arrival at the designated floor. The two men stepped out, neither hurried nor slow, and walked down the hallway. The office wasn’t far.

During that short time, Cha Hongjo racked his brain, trying to unravel the mystery. His forehead felt hot, as if overloaded. If the woman they were about to meet was truly his mother, the reason for her visit could be… two things, he thought. First, like his father, she was approaching death and acting out of character. Second, she was there to accomplish what she had previously failed to do.

‘Die! Die…!’

To kill me.

Either way, he would soon find out. Go Baekwoo pushed open the office door, and Cha Hongjo followed.

Secretary Kim greeted them and led them to the reception room. “Shall I bring you some coffee?” she asked. Go Baekwoo glanced at Cha Hongjo and shook his head. With a nod from Go Baekwoo, Secretary Kim bowed and returned to her desk.

Now Cha Hongjo led the way. The slightly ajar reception room door was flung open. A figure sat on the sofa, back to the door. Bobbed hair tied with a yellow rubber band. Narrow, thin shoulders.

The woman turned around.

“…”

All the questions that had been lining up in Cha Hongjo’s mind were instantly crushed. It was the moment he saw the face of the woman claiming to be his mother.

“…”

The middle-aged woman was shabbily dressed at first glance, but her features resembled Cha Hongjo’s. Eyes that were a mixture of sharp yearning and heavy cynicism. A seemingly relaxed demeanor that, upon closer inspection, held a similar precarious air. Go Baekwoo thought that if Cha Hongjo had been born a woman and grown older, he would look like this.

“…”

At the same moment, Cha Hongjo also thought: There’s no doubt. That’s another me. The person who conceived me. My mother.

The face of his mother in his memory was muddled, as if thickly smeared with clay, but he could tell immediately upon seeing her. Though only ten months old at the time, he had once lived in this woman’s womb. Was that why?

‘Should’ve died, tough like your father…’

His mother rose from the sofa and approached him.

‘Disgusting, so disgusting I could die!’

Too close. His already cool skin felt even colder, and his fingertips twitched and trembled.

“…”

Go Baekwoo, Cha Hongjo, and his mother, Lee Gyeonghee, remained silent for a moment, watching each other as if in a standoff.

Go Baekwoo, as a third party, wasn’t in a position to say anything, and if there was anything to be said, it should rightfully come from the person who came of their own accord. If she had no business, she wouldn’t have disturbed the years they had lived as strangers.

“It’s been a while, hasn’t it?”

Finally, Lee Gyeonghee spoke first.

“You’ve… grown a lot.”

A dry hand with a hangnail reached towards Cha Hongjo’s face. Just before her fingertips touched his cheek— Thwack! Cha Hongjo slapped his mother’s hand away, as if swatting an insect.

“Don’t touch me.”

“…”

Lee Gyeonghee looked down at her rejected hand with a wry smile, then looked up at Cha Hongjo again.

“…Sorry, I was just so glad to see you.”

Sorry. Glad to see you, she said. The mother who had tried to kill him, who had left without a second thought and never sent a word, had no right to say such things. Cha Hongjo scoffed.

“Ha, glad to see me?”

He wanted to act nonchalant.

“Glad…”

But it wasn’t easy. His mind was tangled.

‘Get out, get out!’

The vision of his mother strangling him, the horrific memory replayed itself. Along with it, a murderous intent arose, a desire to break the neck of the mother he could no longer overpower.

‘If you don’t want to be stabbed to death.’

And, also, he was afraid. Terrified enough to make him dizzy. Though his life had not been peaceful, it felt as if his entire existence was shattering and collapsing.

‘…What are you doing? Not sleeping.’

‘…Ah…’

‘…Put the knife down, now!’

‘Dad…’

‘Now!’

‘Mom…’

‘Don’t talk back!’

‘Mom is going to…’

‘Don’t answer back!’

‘Stab me…’

‘Do you believe that crazy woman? Go back to sleep. Since early morning… Sigh… Anyway, mother and son… crazy bastards.’

Was the woman before him carrying a knife today as well? Was she forcing a smile, waiting for him to let his guard down before stabbing him?

“What do you want.”

The reunion, devoid of trust, was only sharp. Cha Hongjo stared at his mother’s face, which seemed to be holding back a smile, then glanced at Go Baekwoo. If his mother lunged at him to kill him…

“You leave.”

Go Baekwoo shouldn’t be involved. Whether it was a momentary prank by his cruel life or the beginning of a tragic ending, Go Baekwoo had nothing to do with it. He absolutely could not allow Go Baekwoo to be dragged into this filth.

“…Okay.”

Under any other circumstances, maybe, but this was a meeting between a mother and son. Despite his uneasy feeling, Go Baekwoo reluctantly left the room.

With the third party gone, only mother and son remained. A metallic lump materialized between them. The lump, sharpened at its tip, was enormous. The mother pretended to be happy, and Cha Hongjo tried to maintain an indifferent attitude, but neither could ignore the threatening atmosphere. Anger and hatred, a kind of remorse. The past, still unhealed, was chasing the present.

“…Shall we sit and talk?”

Lee Gyeonghee smiled awkwardly. Without answering, Cha Hongjo took out a cigarette, went to the sofa, and sat down. His mother sat opposite him.

Without hesitation, Cha Hongjo lit his cigarette in front of his mother and smoked. He was waiting for Lee Gyeonghee to speak. It wasn’t that Cha Hongjo had absolutely nothing to say to the mother he was reunited with after more than ten years. But he remained silent for fear that if he started speaking, he wouldn’t be able to stop, for fear that he would lose even the last shred of his humanity, despite not having lived a particularly human life. In truth, what Cha Hongjo feared was not his suddenly appearing mother, but the rage and hatred that rose towards her.

“Have you… been well?”

“Ha.”

A laugh escaped him involuntarily at the absurdity. Been well? As before, his mother spoke words unbefitting the situation.

“I’ve been fucking miserable… Mom.”

He deliberately called her ‘Mom’ to gauge her reaction. What expression would the woman make when called by a title she didn’t deserve?

“…You seemed to be doing well. I saw you in the newspapers, in movies.”

Shamelessly so.

“…”

His mother smiled. Was she not just thick-skinned, but stupid? No, his mother was not stupid at all. As the one who had been secretly abused by her as a child, he knew this painfully well. The neighbors, the estranged relatives, probably still considered Lee Gyeonghee a ‘good mother,’ even now.

“That’s too bad. If I had known you’d be watching, I would have made a different movie.”

“What kind of movie?”

“A movie where the son.”

A quiet puff of cigarette smoke drifted between his low voice, and he continued.

“Kills his mother.”

“…”

Then Cha Hongjo laughed as if he had told a great joke, and then, abruptly, his expression hardened, like a book with its middle pages ripped out.

“Why are you here.”

He asked again since she showed no sign of speaking first. He didn’t want to face his mother any longer. It felt like blood was going to burst from his insides. His hand gripping the cigarette kept tightening, and he ended up breaking the cigarette. He took out a new one. And lit it.

“Ah, I see.”

He scanned Lee Gyeonghee from head to toe, dressed in a style that was, unlike the past, not at all sophisticated.

“Do you want money?”

In the past, his mother was young and beautiful enough to be mistaken for a college student outside. And, just like his late father, she used to be very concerned with her appearance. But now, her hair was uncombed and roughly tied, her coat dirty and old-fashioned with frayed seams, her pants faded and baggy at the knees, and she was even wearing slippers in a season that, while nearing spring, still held a chill.

“…Hongjo.”

“How much do you want?”

“It’s not that, I.”

“One million won? Ten million won?”

“I wanted to apologize to you…”

“Cut the crap about apologies. Just tell me the amount.”

She was a mother who couldn’t even tolerate her lipstick fading slightly after a meal. The only reason she would return like this was… if not for money, then what?

Ah, to kill me? Perhaps if he closed his wallet, she would finally reveal her true nature. Crushed by hostility, competitiveness, and emotions too complex to be captured in a single word, Cha Hongjo added,

“Or, should I just die?”

“…”

“You came here to kill me, didn’t you? Answer me honestly, Mom.”

“Hongjo, no, no.”

“What else could it be if not money?”

“No… really.”

“What kind of person were you! Don’t you remember?”

Cha Hongjo’s voice grew louder and louder.

“It must be eating you alive that I’m still breathing. You came here to kill me, didn’t you? The bastard who shouldn’t have been born, staring you in the face, appearing in newspapers, on TV. It must have been pissing you off, right? Huh? Let me ask you something too. Mom, how have you been? Sick of seeing me. Regretting not killing me, how did you endure it?”

“…”

Lee Gyeonghee remained silent, only clenching her hands on her thighs.

“Mom.”

His angry voice calmed down, returning to its usual tone.

“I’ll die, kill me.”

Her gaze, which had been fixed on her clenched fists, rose to meet Cha Hongjo’s. Two pairs of similar eyes met.

“I used to be afraid of dying, but not anymore.”

Lee Gyeonghee’s eyes and hands trembled. With a deathly pale face, Cha Hongjo spoke calmly.

“If I die, I can’t even resent you. Just kill me, do as you please. Strangle me, stab me in the stomach. You’ve practiced a lot, haven’t you? It won’t be difficult, Mom…”

“Cha Hongjo.”

As soon as she called his name, his mother jumped to her feet. She approached him. Cha Hongjo smoked his cigarette. One puff, and then he was covered by his mother’s shadow. His mother reached out with empty hands.

“Hongjo.”

Hearing his mother’s voice spread across the floor, Cha Hongjo closed his eyes. There was no need to provoke her further. Resistance was futile. They would both die.

“Mom…”

“…”

When his mother’s hand brushed near his shoulder, Cha Hongjo also moved his hand. If you try to strangle me, I’ll do the same to you. Now, it wasn’t a feeble resistance, but a grown strength capable of retaliation. He…

“I’m sorry.”

Lee Gyeonghee embraced Cha Hongjo.

“I regretted it. I regretted it to death. I decided to die, really… I was going to die. Because I was sorry to you. That’s why… I went to your father’s funeral. Before I died, I wanted to see you, our son, Hongjo, at least once…”

Lies. Cha Hongjo didn’t stop his hand as he listened to the unbelievable monologue. He grabbed his mother’s neck with both hands. Then, his mother tightened her arms around him. The voice that followed, penetrating his ears, was more suppressed than before.

“Ugh, but when I actually saw you, I couldn’t die… Because our Hongjo… my son would be alone.”

Because of the murderous fingertips, because of the tears.

“At that time, I gave condolence money.”

“…”

Cha Hongjo remembered clearly. His mother, who had suddenly appeared at his father’s funeral, only to leave condolence money and disappear.

The strength in his fingertips, constricting Lee Gyeonghee’s neck, slightly loosened.

“I wanted to put that money into your hands… I couldn’t bring myself to appear before you. With a heart full of guilt… I was going to quietly, just quietly watch you live well, and then leave.”

Cha Hongjo felt his shoulder getting wet. His mother was crying.

“But when I heard that you visited that house this time…”

“…”

“I waited… just in case, just in case Hongjo might look for me too.”

It was a wail.

“…I missed you so much… Even though I know I don’t deserve it, I missed my son, Hongjo, so much that I could die… I’m sorry, I’m sorry…”

I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m sorry… I’m sorry… The wailing and apologies continued like an echo.

“I don’t expect forgiveness, just, just sometimes, like this… if you could just let me see your face…”

Thud. Cha Hongjo dropped the hand he had around his mother’s neck.

“I’ll live as if I don’t exist. How can a mother who has sinned against her child live brazenly…”

Lee Gyeonghee took a step back from Cha Hongjo. Her face, devoid of makeup, was streaked with tears.

“Sorry… You must have hated it.”

His mother wiped her cheeks and apologized again.

Now he remembered. Looking at his mother, Cha Hongjo recalled the face of his past mother, which had been muddled like clay. White skin even without powder, a round forehead and a nose similar to his own. Camellia-red lips. Eyes without a single wrinkle. Eyes that were incredibly fierce when looking at him, yet elegant to the outside world.

“Now, I’ll go…”

Lee Gyeonghee sniffed and made to leave. She had come empty-handed, without even a handbag. Cha Hongjo looked at the empty sofa opposite him and then raised his gaze to look at his mother again, but—

“…”

His mother’s left hand, her pinky finger, was missing. The first joint of her finger didn’t exist. To only notice that strange finger now.

“Is it… okay if I come again next time?”

“…”

Before, a multitude of emotions must have obscured his vision. Now, though those emotions hadn’t entirely vanished—

“Wait.”

“…”

Lee Gyeonghee, who had been about to turn away, faced Cha Hongjo again. Cha Hongjo gestured towards her left hand.

“There, what happened?”

“Ah, ah… this.”

Lee Gyeonghee hid her left hand behind her back with an embarrassed look.

“It’s nothing, just…”

His mother seemed to be searching for an excuse. And soon,

“I have a bit of depression…”

“Depression?”

“Sometimes, I do it unconsciously. I’m okay now. Because I saw you, so don’t worry about it, okay?”

“…”

I ‘do it’ unconsciously because of depression. She meant self-harm, right? Cha Hongjo pictured his mother’s pinky finger hidden behind her back once again. He frowned. And within his narrowed field of vision, his mother smiled awkwardly.

“I’ll really go now, Hongjo.”

“…”

“Next time, can I see you?”

“…”

Cha Hongjo didn’t answer. No, he couldn’t.

“…Make sure you eat well, seeing you in person, you’re thin.”

Lee Gyeonghee didn’t push further, and turned, saying,

“Take care, our… son.”

From a distance, his mother looked small and frail. Before, she had seemed as big as a house. Cha Hongjo watched his mother, who looked back at him once more as she reached for the doorknob, with a feigned indifference. He blinked once, and thwack, his mother disappeared.

“…”

He hadn’t heard a curse wishing him dead, nor had his neck been choked.

He had heard a confession of regret and longing, and had been embraced. It was the first time he had been held in his mother’s arms instead of being hit by them.

Crunch, the cigarette pack he had absently grabbed crumpled in his hand. And then, bang, the door opened.

“Cha Hongjo.”

It was Go Baekwoo.

“…She left, my mother.”

“…Yeah.”

“…”

Go Baekwoo’s face was filled with worry. Cha Hongjo stared at him silently and suddenly thought of a certain comfort.

‘Hongjo, it’s okay. Don’t throw anything away. It’s okay to keep everything you want…’

Then what should he do when the person who abandoned him came back, asking to pick him up again? Should he pretend to brush off the past, accepting her while still suffering from the festering wounds she inflicted?

Even if he abandoned her, he was a villain, and even if he was abandoned, he was a villain.

Baekwoo, what should I do?

It was a question that even Go Baekwoo couldn’t answer.

🔥

“Here.”

Secretary Kim looked up at the unfamiliar voice. It was the woman who claimed to be Actor Cha’s mother. Her face was a little more swollen than when she first arrived. At first, Secretary Kim had been unsure because of her shabby appearance, but looking again, they did resemble each other.

“Where’s the bathroom?”

The brazen attitude of speaking informally to a complete stranger. No, the woman was worse than her son. At least Actor Cha didn’t speak informally to just anyone.

“…Go out and it’s on the left at the end of the hall.”

Lee Gyeonghee didn’t even offer a word of thanks to Secretary Kim, who had kindly directed her, and headed for the bathroom.

The expressionless woman walked leisurely down the hallway, opened the metal door, and stepped inside, her slippers clicking against the tiles. Click, click, the sound of dragging slippers echoed against the tiled floor.

“Sigh…”

Lee Gyeonghee washed her face and examined her reflection in the mirror, turning her head this way and that. With her hair unkempt, no makeup, and tear-stained face, she looked a mess. A sigh escaped her at her appearance, something she wouldn’t see again in her life, but there were gains.

‘Take care, our… son.’

‘…’

That final expression.

Lee Gyeonghee smirked, recalling Cha Hongjo’s face just before she left.

So he’s an actor, huh?

“Hmm, hum… mm-hmm…”

Suddenly humming, Lee Gyeonghee washed her hands and flicked off the water.

They say there’s no disciple who surpasses their master, but even an actor son isn’t better at acting than his mother.

“…Just like his father, that damn bastard.”

Finally, Lee Gyeonghee gently touched the faint handprints remaining on her neck with her damp hand and scowled.

No, no. I’ll get wrinkles.

Soon, the woman, her face completely relaxed, click, click… shuffled out of the building in her slippers. The humming continued in her throat. A despicable melody.

🔥

Go Baekwoo was disappointed that their trip was cancelled, but he didn’t complain. He was just worried about Cha Hongjo.

Previously, Cha Hongjo had said, with his usual indifferent expression and tone, that he ‘didn’t have parents.’ He didn’t elaborate on whether they were dead or alive. No, judging by his decisive assertion that he didn’t have them, it seemed that in Cha Hongjo’s life, his parents were as good as dead, even if they were alive. Just as Go Baekwoo had once believed his father to be deceased.

Even just before reuniting with his father, Go Baekwoo hadn’t thought about him much. He hadn’t missed him, and had tried not to. He had his mother by his side.

Nevertheless, whenever he occasionally felt his father’s absence keenly, he tried to recall only warm memories. Indeed, the fragments of his father remaining in his memory were mostly round and shining.

However, he didn’t know how Cha Hongjo felt. He didn’t share the details of his past, and even when drunk, he rarely spoke about himself. Like a mole living hidden underground, crawling through the dirt. As if the sunlight would blind him.

Go Baekwoo couldn’t even begin to imagine how Cha Hongjo felt after suddenly encountering his mother, until he returned home, shutting out the noise of the street.

Cha Hongjo, having taken off his jacket, went straight to the kitchen without changing into comfortable clothes. Go Baekwoo followed naturally, and assisted Cha Hongjo, who was taking out alcohol, by preparing glasses and snacks.

The two men sat down at the table laden with drinks and food before the chilly outside air had left their bodies. Go Baekwoo picked up the bottle, and Cha Hongjo, as if it were natural, held out his glass. Then, Go Baekwoo tilted the bottle to fill his own glass.

“Give it here.”

Cha Hongjo snatched the bottle.

“Glass.”

Go Baekwoo, slightly startled, offered his glass. Cha Hongjo poured him a drink. They had clinked glasses countless times, but this was a first.

“Cha Hongjo pouring me a drink, how strange.”

“Everything is fucking strange to you.”

“It’s the first time.”

Muttering, Go Baekwoo fiddled with his glass without drinking, as if reluctant to waste the alcohol Cha Hongjo had poured for him after so long. On the other hand, Cha Hongjo quickly emptied his glass and refilled it himself.

“That damn first time.”

Cha Hongjo muttered, resting his chin on his hand. A faint smile played on his lips. Go Baekwoo, lifting his lips delicately, watched him before tipping his glass.

“Pour me another one.”

Clink. Pushing his empty glass towards Cha Hongjo, Go Baekwoo made a cute request. Cha Hongjo burst into laughter. “Here.” and picked up the bottle again.

“This is the last one. Pour it yourself from now on.”

“Why? Keep pouring for me.”

“…I don’t even have the energy to pour drinks.”

Cha Hongjo mumbled, his expression hardening. Go Baekwoo also wiped the smile from his face.

“…Are you okay?”

He asked, wondering what to say, whether to comfort him or act as if nothing had happened.

“…”

Cha Hongjo stroked his glass, looked down at the table, then took a drink. It seemed to be his answer.

Soon, the empty bottle was pushed to the corner of the table, and Go Baekwoo brought a new bottle, opening the cap.

“My parents.”

Cha Hongjo began to speak.

“They were worse than dogs, at least to me.”

“…”

Go Baekwoo glanced alternately at Cha Hongjo and his glass as he poured the alcohol, listening intently to the words flowing like a monologue from a stage actor.

“Because I was a bastard born unwanted… that’s what they said.”

Cha Hongjo spoke in a gloomy voice, as if relaying someone else’s story.

“They said they had to get married because of me. Thinking about it now, it’s a fucking excuse. They must have done it because they loved each other, love… each other.”

It must have been a blizzard-like love. A love that poured down relentlessly, covering the whole world in white, easily trampled and dirtied, eventually disappearing. A fleeting love that could only turn into muddy slush.

Cha Hongjo kept his gaze fixed on the table and his glass, as if avoiding Go Baekwoo.

“They said there was a lot of opposition. We lived in the same neighborhood, and later they went bankrupt and became pathetic, but my father was the only son of a local influential family, and my mother was the daughter of a poor family. So they must have used me as an excuse to get married. They used me as an excuse later, too. Saying they couldn’t get divorced because of me…”

“…”

Go Baekwoo took out two cigarettes and shared one with Cha Hongjo.

“You can throw away things that remind you of shitty memories, but not a child.”

The lonely monologue continued, even with someone listening.

“My grandfather adored me. My father, even though he neglected his own child, insisted on acting like a filial son, for all his faults. I wish he had just abandoned me, but he never did. Instead, that’s why… that woman…”

Cha Hongjo exhaled a puff of smoke and took a drink. After the second hand of the clock had made about two rotations, he opened his mouth again.

“My mother tried to kill me.”

Cha Hongjo said plainly, laughing briefly like a madman. Go Baekwoo’s face crumpled as he recalled the woman he had seen earlier.

“How did she try to kill me… there are so many fucking ways. Strangling me… suffocating me with a pillow… hitting me. With her fists, with a club… ah, back then, anything my mother grabbed became a club. Sometimes she’d chase me with a knife, and, shit, I ran outside without even putting on my shoes. I was really scared back then…”

Cha Hongjo dropped his cigarette butt into the empty bottle and lit a new one.

“I was that scared of my mother. Scared enough to run away barefoot.”

“…Your father.”

“…My father?”

“Didn’t he stop her when she… did those things to you?”

At the question, Cha Hongjo twisted the corners of his mouth.

“That bastard barely came home, always wandering around crazy.”

“But if there were injuries on your body, he would have known.”

“Even if he knew, he pretended not to.”

The twisted corners of his mouth returned to their place, and he exhaled gray smoke.

“Does anyone care if a useless object gets scratched? He neglected it, let it be. Let me die or live.”

“…”

“Ha, when was it… then my mother left home.”

Tap, tap… Ash fell from the cigarette, scattering feebly like Cha Hongjo’s tone.

“And I didn’t hear from her until my father died. She left condolence money at the funeral. So I knew she was still alive.”

“Your father… passed away.”

“Yeah. He hanged himself.”

“…”

Go Baekwoo lowered his head, swallowing a sigh, and looked at Cha Hongjo again. Cha Hongjo never met his gaze. Even while revealing the past that had gnawed at him, he was still concealing it as he had learned to. Using his pride, which had grown as large as his wounds, to hide his weaknesses, his vulnerable inner thoughts.

“Anyway, that’s how it was… but”

Cha Hongjo unbuttoned two buttons of his shirt, as if he was hot. As expected, his cheeks and neck were flushed.

His lips, deeply colored even without alcohol, moved again.

“Today, that woman came.”

“…”

“What do you think? Baekwoo.”

Resting his chin on his hand, Cha Hongjo finally met his gaze and asked abruptly. Go Baekwoo asked back.

“What?”

“You know, the woman who tried to kill me suddenly came and apologized. Sobbing, you know what the fuck she said? My son, my son, she said. She missed me. If she felt that way, why did she do that? Why is she doing this now? I don’t fucking understand, do you?”

“…I.”

“I…!”

The low voice that had flowed indifferently suddenly became agitated.

“Even if I forgot, I couldn’t forget, and even if I couldn’t forget, I lived forgetting.”

Cha Hongjo lowered his head, clenching his fists until his knuckles turned white. The filter and body of the cigarette caught between his fingers broke. The burning body fell onto the table, burning alone. Cha Hongjo’s voice subsided again.

“It feels like… punishment.”

Go Baekwoo saw his trembling crown and shoulders behind the rising smoke from the still-burning cigarette. He wanted to reach out and embrace him, to comfort him with a caress, but his body wouldn’t move. Was Cha Hongjo’s emotion mixed into the alcohol he had poured? The back of his head and his solar plexus throbbed.

“Now that things are getting better, she came back to me.”

It stung.

“Because being born is a sin…”

The monologue that penetrated his ears was more bitter than alcohol. What must it be like for Cha Hongjo, who kept it inside? His stomach must be churning, his throat burning. His tongue must be numb, his eyes stinging. Like himself. No, that was arrogance.

“The world is punishing me, telling me not to dream… Not even in death…”

It was difficult, as tears welled up in his eyes unknowingly, filling his mind.

“Telling me to die with my eyes open.”

On the table, the cigarette with the torn filter was completely burned. Only the elongated ash and soot remained, evidence of something that had been there.

“Because I’m a bastard who doesn’t deserve peace even in death.”

Cha Hongjo stared at the scorch mark and then—

“Everything that comes to me is a nightmare, a grim reaper.”

He suddenly remembered his mother’s severed pinky finger.

“…Go Baekwoo.”

He looked at Go Baekwoo with reddened eyes.

“Except you.”

One drop. A tear fell from Cha Hongjo’s right eye.

“That’s why I’m sorry.”

Two drops, and then three. The tears began like a downpour.

“I dragged you into this.”

“…Hongjo.”

Go Baekwoo cried along with him.

“Even if you regret it later and resent me…”

“No, never…”

“Even if you kill me.”

The unforecast rain was piercing.

“I’ll accept it all.”

“No… Hongjo…”

Go Baekwoo wanted to stop crying immediately, stand up, and embrace Cha Hongjo. He wanted to absorb all the tears he was shedding. But he couldn’t move a muscle, as if his limbs were bound by each trembling word.

“Baekwoo.”

Cha Hongjo wiped away the falling tears and called out in a calm voice. Now, Go Baekwoo was the only one crying.

“Don’t be unhappy.”

Let’s be happy together.

“That’s enough for me.”

If Cha Hongjo had said that, he would have laughed.

Even Cha Hongjo’s confessions were painful.

🔥

<A Thousand Purples, Ten Thousand Reds>

It was director Choi Yitae’s fourth film and actor Cha Hongjo’s next project.

On the first morning of filming, Cha Hongjo experienced sleep paralysis. Just like the first day of filming <Ode to Youth>. The difference was that this time, not only his decaying father appeared, but also his perfectly alive mother.

His father, whose skin was being eaten by maggots, pressed down on him, and his mother stood behind him, looking down at him and his father, laughing boisterously.

‘You idiot! Press harder, harder! That’s the only way he’ll die!’

He heard those words just before he broke free from the nightmare.

As soon as he woke up and came to his senses, he felt the dampness of the sheets soaked with his own cold sweat and Go Baekwoo’s voice calling him, “Hongjo! Cha Hongjo!”

“Are you really okay?”

It was as he was about to put on his shoes at the entrance, having finished getting ready for Park Solchan to pick him up. Go Baekwoo, dressed comfortably as he still had time before work, asked with a deeply worried expression. Cha Hongjo stared at his face, then, supporting himself against the wall, shoved his feet into his shoes.

“It happened before.”

His voice, directed at Go Baekwoo, was calm. In contrast, Go Baekwoo’s expression grew more and more serious. He briefly considered putting on his jacket and following him to the filming set, regardless of work.

“Before?”

“When I was filming Ode to Youth.”

“You had sleep paralysis then too?”

“Yeah.”

“…It must be a jinx or something.”

Muttering, Cha Hongjo tapped his shod feet on the floor, then stood up straight and faced Go Baekwoo.

“I’m going.”

“Me too.”

Cha Hongjo said goodbye, and Go Baekwoo immediately stepped closer.

“Should I come with you?”

“To the set?”

Cha Hongjo asked back, wrapping his arm around Go Baekwoo’s neck.

“Yeah.”

Go Baekwoo lowered his head, their noses brushing slightly. Cha Hongjo chuckled, as if ticklish from the small contact.

“This is what’s so fucking cute about pretty boys.”

“…What.”

“Their puppy-like side.”

As soon as he finished speaking, Cha Hongjo tilted his chin up and peck, lightly kissed Go Baekwoo on the lips. Then he lowered the arm around his neck and waved at him.

“Hyung is going to make some money, you puppy.”

“…”

“Even though our puppy has more money, anyway.”

Even then, Cha Hongjo added a few more words, saying things like it would be nice if he could grow ears and a tail, and then turned away. It was an uncharacteristic action, unlike his usual decisive turns. Go Baekwoo needlessly smoothed his hair, watching as Cha Hongjo’s figure disappeared.

Then, click, the front door closed. Go Baekwoo remained in the same spot for a long time.

🔥

As it was an independent film, the atmosphere on set was quite different from that of <Ode to Youth>. Including the director, the number of staff was small enough to be easily counted, and even though it was the first day of filming, the air was calm rather than busy.

“Mr. Hongjo. Hello.”

“Hello.”

Director Choi Yitae greeted Cha Hongjo, who was getting out of the car and looking around the set. Despite having met several times for meetings, an awkward air lingered between them. This was also a big difference from Director Kim Do-young.

“You’re early.”

“Yes, so are you, Director.”

“I’m a bit nervous for some reason… haha.”

Cha Hongjo liked the slightly awkward atmosphere. I should only work with male directors from now on. No, there was no need to consider the future. Thinking absently, he recalled a peony-like face. He glanced at his wristwatch. It was around the time Go Baekwoo would be leaving for work.

“Ah, Mr. Jin will be arriving soon as well.”

His checking the time seemed to have been interpreted as impatience. Director Choi Yitae scratched the back of his head, informing him about the other actor. Cha Hongjo didn’t care whether the other actor was an hour late, or didn’t show up at all today, causing filming to be cancelled, but he nodded nonetheless.

“Let’s have a smoke while we wait.”

“Haha, then I’ll join you…”

Soon, gray smoke sliced through the air, twice from each cigarette.

Choi Yitae spoke.

“It’s quiet.”

“…It’s always been a quiet neighborhood, here.”

The location, which would serve as the backdrop from the first scene to the last, was a slum about a 20-minute drive from Seoul.

“Yes, it was always quiet during pre-production scouting too. At night, you sometimes hear drunk people shouting, but, haha.”

He trails off, adding a pointless laugh. Cha Hongjo was inexplicably bothered by Choi Yitae’s verbal tic.

“Do you usually laugh a lot?”

“…Pardon?”

“No, I just noticed you always laugh when you speak.”

“Ah, haha… I laughed again. No, actually, I’m still a bit awkward.”

“You and me?”

Cha Hongjo, who had been scanning the slate roofs and the buildings that looked as if they would crumble into cement dust at the slightest touch, suddenly asked, turning to face Choi Yitae. When their eyes met, Choi Yitae, seemingly quite flustered, let out that strange laugh again and fiddled with his unkempt curly hair.

“…I’m a bit shy… I apologize if it made you uncomfortable.”

“Not at all.”

Cha Hongjo turned back towards the bright sky and the gloomy houses.

“I like you, Director.”

“R-really… pardon?”

“Because you don’t seem like the bothersome type.”

By now, his stomach was full, unable to take in anything more. He didn’t plan to make any more relationships he couldn’t digest, and even if he did, it would be futile. Go Baekwoo, who had firmly taken root in his heart, and the revived past and heavy emotions stirred within him. He felt nauseous. This was why he had to keep away from people who wanted him. He, too, shouldn’t desire other things. The result of greed is a curse.

“…Perhaps, is it?”

“Exactly.”

“Hahaha…”

The eyes that still held a hint of innocence despite being in his mid-thirties disappeared, hidden behind thick eyelids. Cha Hongjo thought Choi Yitae, who was only laughing, had nothing more to say. He was a man of few words. The more he interacted with him, the more he liked him. He had definitely made the right choice in selecting <A Thousand Purples, Ten Thousand Reds>.

“Ah.”

The two had finished their cigarettes and were idly standing in the breeze when Director Choi, glancing around, spotted a car approaching from the entrance of the alley.

“Mr. Jin must be here.”

Cha Hongjo followed Choi Yitae’s gaze. A woman got out of the old white car.

“Mr. Jin, over here!”

“Ah, Director… Mr. Hongjo, hello!”

The other actor, Kim Jin, was an unknown actress, barely managing to secure minor roles in Chungmuro without even a manager. Although it was an independent film, she had said this was her first leading role.

First. That made him think of Go Baekwoo again. Cha Hongjo, a smile unconsciously playing on his lips, greeted Kim Jin.

“Hello.”

‘A Thousand Purples, Ten Thousand Reds,’ meaning ‘the colorful brilliance of various flowers.’

“…Yes, yes. Hello!”

Kim Jin, seeing the smiling face of her co-star, Cha Hongjo, pondered the meaning of the film’s title once more. It truly was a phrase that suited him well. She resolved, and resolved again, to deliver a performance worthy of it.

<A Thousand Purples, Ten Thousand Reds> thus began to sprout.

🔥

A man who has walked through life barefoot on rough, sandpaper-like roads. A woman withering like a winter tree. These two meet and become lovers. But the land is barren, and the tree planted there is on the verge of death. New life is only a fleeting hope that doesn’t exist. The man and the woman meet their ruin.

The ‘woman,’ played by Kim Jin, dies from an illness. The ‘man,’ played by Cha Hongjo, despairs and ultimately leaves the harsh land on his own.

That was the story of <A Thousand Purples, Ten Thousand Reds>.

“Of all the choices, something so dreary.”

Madam Jo muttered with a displeased look.

“…Ugh, the smell.”

“Madam, please be careful.”

A slum carved into the mountainside. The escort, who had accompanied Madam Jo up to the filming location of <A Thousand Purples, Ten Thousand Reds> at the top of the steep alley, spoke, looking at the uneven ground. Jo Hyegyeong frowned slightly and ordered,

“Wait here.”

“Yes, I’ll wait.”

Two staff members, who were waiting behind the filming set, glanced at the foreign car, which looked out of place in the surrounding scenery. Jo Hyegyeong approached them.

“Where’s Director Choi Yitae?”

The staff, taken aback by the woman’s abrupt question, hesitantly pointed in a direction. It was an empty house rented for filming. Jo Hyegyeong scanned the area with sharp eyes and asked again,

“Is Cha Hongjo there too?”

“…”

“…I asked if he’s there.”

They hesitated to answer, unsure if it was appropriate to reveal the actor’s whereabouts, but the woman didn’t give them a moment’s respite. One of the staff members reluctantly nodded.

Without a word of thanks, Jo Hyegyeong immediately turned around. Towards the dilapidated house. To meet Cha Hongjo, whom that young punk, sitting as the CEO of HI Entertainment thanks to his father’s backing, hadn’t shown even a hair of.

Cha Hongjo wasn’t surprised by Madam Jo’s sudden appearance. It was because he had experienced something even more surprising…

‘Hongjo, shall we live together?’

Hadn’t she suggested they live together? The reason being, ‘I don’t want to give you to another bitch.’

Cha Hongjo was used to someone’s obsession with him, so he wasn’t entirely unaware of Madam Jo’s feelings. He didn’t pretend not to know either. He simply didn’t bother to acknowledge it.

It had been New Year’s. He hadn’t thought of her since then, the last time they met. He hadn’t even heard that she had contacted him. Anyway, it was strange that she had come after being so quiet, but that was all. He wasn’t curious about Madam Jo’s intentions. She must have come because she was in need of a sexual partner or a plaything.

Perhaps because there were onlookers, Madam Jo didn’t interrupt the filming or try to forcibly drag Cha Hongjo away. She just stood with her arms crossed, watching him with the gaze of a hunter. After a while,

“Cut! Hmm… let’s take a short break.”

Director Choi Yitae glanced at Cha Hongjo and Madam Jo and announced a break. Cha Hongjo signaled to the director with his eyes that he would step out and then headed behind the house with Madam Jo.

“I’m surprised…”

Lighting a cigarette, Cha Hongjo muttered, looking at Jo Hyegyeong. His tone was ambiguous, as if he was rebuking Madam Jo for appearing suddenly without notice, or simply making a casual joke.

Jo Hyegyeong curved her lips slightly.

“Have you been well?”

“So-so.”

“So-so…”

Repeating his words, Jo Hyegyeong pretended to look around before fixing her gaze on Cha Hongjo and sneering.

“You look awful, truly awful.”

“…”

Some people, or rather, many people, live ‘awful’ lives. Cha Hongjo twisted his lips, mirroring Madam Jo’s sarcasm.

“What do you want?”

“What do you think?”

“I don’t know.”

“Don’t play dumb…”

Changing her sneer into a more positive smile, Madam Jo reached out towards Cha Hongjo’s shoulder. At that moment, Cha Hongjo, who had been inhaling cigarette smoke, twisted his body to avoid her touch. Jo Hyegyeong’s face crumpled, as if she had never smiled.

“Did you, avoid me? Just now?”

“Why are you angry, Madam?”

Cha Hongjo was smiling, his lips tilted crookedly.

“I can avoid you if I don’t like it.”

“…You.”

Jo Hyegyeong’s neck flushed red.

“How can you do this?”

“Do what?”

“Do you know how many calls I made to get you cast? You kicked away that project and are filming some nameless trash movie here…!”

“Director Choi Yitae, I think he’s going to be known now.”

It wouldn’t be a dating scandal like with <Ode to Youth>, but if an incident were to occur, Director Choi would become a topic of conversation along with <A Thousand Purples, Ten Thousand Reds>. However, the one who would receive the most attention would be the actor who died, just like the ending of the movie…

“Ha, are you getting arrogant after just one movie? What do you know? Huh? What confidence do you have?”

“…”

Confidence. Cha Hongjo smoked his cigarette leisurely, pondering. His feeling regarding the buzz around <A Thousand Purples, Ten Thousand Reds> wasn’t confidence, but stemmed from misfortune.

A ruined ending. A choice. Suicide.

Before, he had wished for it to completely deny all hope in his life, but now, it stemmed from a decision to prevent misfortune from spreading to someone else.

‘…Okay. Let’s go on a trip.’

‘Really?’

‘But just a day trip.’

‘Okay, okay.’

The empty space left by the loneliness that Go Baekwoo had chased away was filled with melancholy and self-loathing.

‘There, what happened?’

‘It’s nothing, just… I have a bit of depression…’

He recalled his mother’s severed pinky finger while facing Go Baekwoo’s perfect features.

‘Baekwoo, don’t be unhappy.’

The chain and spread of misfortune. He had to protect Go Baekwoo from it.

His father, who had always craved new love, had let go of the woman he had finally settled down with and fallen into despair. To make matters worse, he had been buried under a mountain of debt. And then he had hanged himself.

What about his aunt, who had thought she had gained fortune from his father’s death? She had been poisoned by coal briquettes and buried without leaving a single word.

His grandfather, who used to caress him with hands wrinkled with affection and give him snacks, had died of natural causes due to old age, but the story he had been forced to listen to whenever his grandfather was drunk, like a fairy tale, was harsh.

His mother, who could have lived well alone without dying, had regretted the past and reached the point of cutting off her own finger in atonement. He, one of the reasons that had pushed her into misfortune, had no intention of forgiving her. She too would eventually meet her end after enduring a miserable time. Whether by his own hand or by fate.

Before loving Go Baekwoo, he had cut off approaching relationships to avoid being broken, and after loving Go Baekwoo, he had severed even existing relationships to avoid breaking them. Even himself…

Baekwoo, don’t be unhappy. That’s enough for me.

Making a wish makes him depressed.

“Madam.”

Cha Hongjo threw his finished cigarette on the dirt floor, ground it under his foot, and dusted off his clothes.

“Don’t come again.”

Then he looked directly at Jo Hyegyeong.

“I’m tired of you, Madam. I even said this, so you won’t ask to meet again, right? You have your pride, don’t you, Madam.”

Jo Hyegyeong trembled, biting her red lip with her white front teeth. She looked as if she would lunge at him and hit him any second.

“Don’t you?”

Pride. One of the essential qualities that made up Madam Jo.

“…Fine.”

As Cha Hongjo expected, Jo Hyegyeong took a step back.

“I won’t come again.”

Just one step back.

“To the set. Happy?”

“…”

“See you later. I should have dinner with CEO Go sometime too.”

Madam Jo was a woman who possessed not only pride but also tenacity.

“Don’t you think?”

And also—

“And Hongjo, I looked into a few things.”

She was a person who wielded power with dirty hands.

“That young thing has lived quite an interesting life, hasn’t he? You should be careful, okay?”

“…”

Jo Hyegyeong left the slum without waiting for Cha Hongjo’s reply. Cha Hongjo stared blankly at the dirt floor where Madam Jo’s footprints remained, then—

“Ha, ha…”

He started to laugh.

“Haha, hahaha…”

Madam Jo had overlooked something. Something that couldn’t be pushed with pride, held onto with obsession, or controlled with power. Death.

“Fucking hilarious, shit…”

Whether or not his past was revealed, it was a threat that wouldn’t work on someone who was about to die.

🔥

Go Baekwoo eventually left work earlier than usual and went to Cha Hongjo. Cha Hongjo grinned as soon as he saw the familiar car. Two guests in one day, what a day. Of course, his feelings towards the previous guest and the current one were worlds apart.

Judging by the time, Go Baekwoo seemed to have come in a hurry, but considerately, he had brought a variety of drinks for the director and staff. It wasn’t an expensive gift, but everyone was flustered and thanked him profusely. Go Baekwoo responded, “Please take good care of Actor Cha.”

Watching Go Baekwoo, Cha Hongjo was filled with a strange emotion. He felt a churning in his stomach, but it wasn’t an unpleasant nausea.

So this is how it feels to be cared for by someone.

The feeling of watching Go Baekwoo willingly bowing and asking them to ‘take care of Actor Cha’ was too complex to be captured in a single word, so it formed into a sentence in his mind.

“Your wifely duties are impressive.”

It was after they had greeted everyone and gotten into Go Baekwoo’s car. As the car wheels began to roll, Cha Hongjo opened the window, took out a cigarette, put it in his mouth, and muttered,

“I’m touched.”

“Really?”

Go Baekwoo smiled brightly, glancing at Cha Hongjo.

“I can be even more impressive. Want to live with me?”

At the question ‘Want to live with me?’ Cha Hongjo’s hand, which had been moving the cigarette towards his lips, paused, then resumed its movement. He deliberately inhaled and exhaled the smoke slowly. Then, after flicking the ash out the window, he answered,

“I don’t raise puppies.”

“…Not a puppy, a person.”

“I don’t even raise puppies, so would I raise a person?”

“Not raise, just love me.”

As they approached the main road, Cha Hongjo threw out his cigarette and closed the window.

“Huh? Cha Hongjo.”

With the wind blocked, Go Baekwoo’s voice became incredibly clear.

“I said just love me.”

“…”

“Love me.”

“…Here.”

Cha Hongjo regretted having answered the question ‘Want to live with me?’ and said flatly,

“How can I love you more than this?”

Like water overflowing, Go Baekwoo, who had poured into his heart so irrevocably, already occupied everything, filling his chest and lungs with a heavy presence. Just holding onto that love was a burden for Cha Hongjo.

It was a truly honest answer. How could he love him more, more than this, more than here? Was it because he hadn’t learned how to love, so he didn’t know how? If he knew exactly what Go Baekwoo wanted, he would have been willing to do it. But even if people were connected by some kind of bond, they were ultimately strangers, so it was impossible to fully understand Go Baekwoo. It was such a natural principle that it wasn’t even regrettable. Just a little disappointing.

“Kiss me all the time.”

Go Baekwoo, unaware of Cha Hongjo’s thoughts, made an innocent request, smiling.

“Hug me every day.”

He spoke smoothly, like wheels gliding on the road.

“Think about me twenty-four seven. Tell me you missed me. Even when you’re looking at me, long for me.”

Because those were the expressions of love he wanted to, and did, show to Cha Hongjo.

“Hongjo.”

They stopped at a traffic light. Go Baekwoo leaned in. His weight rested on Cha Hongjo’s shoulder. Go Baekwoo nuzzled his head against him a couple of times, then sat up straight as the light changed. Then, he crafted words with clear pronunciation and offered them as a gift.

“I love you.”

The confession, which had been directed forward, circled around and settled in Cha Hongjo’s left chest.

🔥

To get to Cha Hongjo’s house, they had to pass the building where HI Entertainment was located. Unless they deliberately took a different route.

“Oh.”