Spark Chapter 6.1 - Dissolution

— Viewers, hello. This is Choi Hyunsoo from <Entertainment News>.

— And I’m Song Miseon.

— Today, we have some unfortunate news to share. Miseon?

— Yes… Actor Cha Hongjo, who made his explosive debut with director Kim Doyoung’s <Ode to Youth>, was found unconscious yesterday in a hotel in Seoul.

— The even sadder fact is that Mr. Cha Hongjo appears to have attempted to take his own life.

— That’s right. The details are still unclear, aren’t they?

— Yes, Mr. Cha Hongjo is currently hospitalized at Seoul S Hospital. Reporter Choi Jihyun is at the scene now. Let’s connect with her. Reporter Choi Jihyun?

After the two MCs of <Entertainment News> exchanged words, the screen showed another person’s face. Reporter Choi Jihyun, wearing a raincoat due to the rain, held a microphone with a stiff expression.

— This is Choi Jihyun. I’m currently in front of S Hospital, where actor Cha Hongjo is hospitalized. The hospital entrance is now filled with Mr. Hongjo’s fans who rushed here after hearing the news. I’ll talk to one of them.

The camera moved with Choi Jihyun. Soon, Choi Jihyun and a young student with a youthful face entered the frame. Raindrops glistened on the student’s bobbed hair. She wasn’t using an umbrella. A glimpse behind her showed many others also exposed to the rain. Since the rain started in the evening, they must have rushed to the hospital without preparing umbrellas.

— Hello, this is <Entertainment News>. May I ask why you came to the hospital today?

Choi Jihyun held out the microphone to the student.

The student, with her round eyes full of tears, rubbed her eyes and opened her lips.

— Because of… Hongjo oppa… I heard he’s sick.

— When and where did you hear the news?

— This afternoon, on the radio.

— I see… May I ask how you’re feeling right now?

Reporter Choi Jihyun asked cautiously. The student crumpled her face as if she were about to burst into tears, then spoke in a lower voice than before.

— I, I hope oppa gets better soon…

— Yes, I also sincerely hope for Mr. Cha Hongjo’s speedy recovery. Thank you for this difficult interview.

After thanking the student, the reporter took a couple of steps forward and returned to the center of the frame.

— As you can see, many people are in deep sorrow. According to a source, Mr. Cha Hongjo is still unconscious, and visits are completely prohibited except for close associates.

— I see. Thank you for the report from the scene.

— Yes, this was Choi Jihyun.

The screen, which had been showing the gloomy, rainy night, returned to the brightly lit studio.

At that moment, director Choi Yitae, who had been staring blankly at the TV, suddenly came to his senses as if struck by lightning. He immediately kicked off the covers and got up. He was dizzy from drinking heavily at the after-party, but it wasn’t the time to worry about himself.

“Please, please please please don’t die…”

The broadcast only mentioned “S Hospital,” but he knew exactly which hospital it was from the brief glimpse he saw. He threw on some clothes haphazardly and ran outside.

“Please… God…”

Please save ‘him.’

Choi Yitae prayed to God as he started the car.

Cha Hongjo’s wrist wound had been stitched up and he was receiving a blood transfusion.

According to the doctor, the tool used for self-harm wasn’t sharp, so the vein damage wasn’t severe, and because the water Cha Hongjo had submerged himself in was warm, the blood had clotted quickly, preventing excessive bleeding. He said Cha Hongjo would wake up within half a day at the earliest, and three days at the latest. However.

“Sometimes, patients who come in with this kind of injury regain consciousness later than expected due to psychological reasons. I thought it would be good for you to be aware of this.”

Go Baekwoo, still reeling from the shock, didn’t fully understand the doctor’s words, but nodded reflexively. In any case, it meant Cha Hongjo wouldn’t die. That was enough.

“As long as he’s alive… that’s all that matters.”

Even though the doctor was in front of him, it was a complete soliloquy.

The doctor, who had seen countless patients and guardians with various appearances and temperaments, simply said with an indifferent expression, “Please let me know when the patient regains consciousness,” and left the room.

As soon as Go Baekwoo was left alone with Cha Hongjo, whom he considered like a brother, he collapsed onto the floor. Unable to touch Cha Hongjo for fear of hurting him further, he clutched the blanket covering him and teared up again.

“…Hongjo.”

His pink-tinged eyes quickly filled with tears.

“Hongjo, Hongjo, Cha, Hongjo…”

Calling his name was all he could do. There was nothing else he could do but call him, urging him to come out of that dark tunnel that had swallowed him. There had been countless times when he felt helpless in front of Cha Hongjo, but never had he felt this much pain.

He felt a pain like his ankles had been severed. He couldn’t stand up. He couldn’t bring himself to walk away while Cha Hongjo was lying there. Go Baekwoo’s time stopped at that moment. Tears flowed instead of time.

Why didn’t he know?

‘Being born is a sin… The world is punishing me, telling me to live like myself. Telling me not to even dream…’

How could he not have known?

While chasing Cha Hongjo, he hadn’t realized that Cha Hongjo was running towards a cliff. He had only looked at his back, not his surroundings. He thought everything would be alright as long as he hugged that sometimes cold, sometimes desolate back. But the one who was comforted was himself, not Cha Hongjo. All the love games he had played so far were for himself, not for Cha Hongjo.

‘Even when I die… die with my eyes open. Because I’m a bastard who doesn’t deserve to die peacefully.’

Go Baekwoo directed Cha Hongjo’s self-deprecating words at himself.

A bastard who deserves to die. A bastard who doesn’t even deserve to cry…

Even being here beside Cha Hongjo now felt like something he shouldn’t be doing.

He lifted his heavy eyelids and looked at Cha Hongjo’s wrist with the IV needle inserted. There must be stitches on the other wrist, hidden by Cha Hongjo’s body.

‘Everything that comes to me is a nightmare and a grim reaper… Except for you, Go Baekwoo.’

If only he could have stitched up the wounds in his heart like that, maybe things wouldn’t have come to this. Foolishly, he had only poured antiseptic on Cha Hongjo’s wounds without seeing how deeply they festered. Had Cha Hongjo been in as much pain as him? If so, he had to hurt even more.

‘That’s why I’m sorry.’

Because that way, he could shoulder all the guilt Cha Hongjo felt.

‘Baekwoo, don’t be unhappy.’

The apology, the wish for happiness. They were all his.

“Ugh…”

Go Baekwoo bit his lower lip as a groan escaped. He clutched his chest as a pain like being sawed by a forearm-sized saw ripped through him.

‘Why is that woman a mother? Fuck, she’s never been motherly… Can you call her mother after hearing my story?’

He should have listened more intently to every word Cha Hongjo had uttered.

‘Did you sleep with her? With that woman, Jo Hyegyeong.’

There were more appropriate questions to ask than that.

“Hongjo, Hongjo… Are you, okay…?”

Foolishly, he finally asked the question he should have asked then.

“No, you’re not okay… I’m, sorry, I’m so sorry…”

Cha Hongjo couldn’t answer…

“I’m sorry…”

Time had stopped and his ankles were severed, so he couldn’t face tomorrow. Go Baekwoo helplessly wandered between the present and the past.

‘I love you, Cha Hongjo. I’ll say this every time you tell me not to.’

A one-sided and selfish love.

‘The apology I made to Cha Hongjo, it was sincere.’

A series of mistakes.

‘Don’t… hold onto me.’

‘Cha Hongjo!’

A succession of losses.

Consecutive mistakes could never be just mistakes. They were sins. He didn’t deserve to have Cha Hongjo, whom he had repeatedly missed.

“Hongjo…”

He decided to let go of all his presumptuous desires. And wish for only one thing. Maybe they would grant him just one.

“Please… live.”

He wished that the heavens that had cruelly called Cha Hongjo, and Cha Hongjo, who hadn’t refused to go there, would grant him this one thing. He wished for Cha Hongjo’s well-being, even if it meant eternal unrequited love. Please, let Cha Hongjo…

‘I said it was hard.’

‘What was.’

‘The last scene of the movie.’

‘…Yeah.’

‘What kind of scene was it?’

‘Ah, that… Yeo Jitae…’

‘Yeah.’

‘…But, this is… a secret.’

‘…’

‘Light…’

‘What?’

‘That’s the last line.’

May he live and become light.

He would take on all the heavy burdens that were breaking his shoulders and the heartache that was tearing him apart, as long as Cha Hongjo wouldn’t suffer or be in pain.

Even if we couldn’t share love, I would bear your despair. You would only wither for a while, but soon you would bloom beautifully again.

I would live embracing the ashes you left behind. Because even the dust that fell from you would be joy and comfort to me.

Go Baekwoo prayed to the fire that consumed him.

May you, who will surely rise again, be happy.

🔥

It was the third day since Cha Hongjo had sunk into the depths. He hadn’t shown even a single strand of hair above the surface.

During those three days, Go Baekwoo hadn’t slept or eaten. He cried, prayed, cried again, and prayed again.

Doctors and nurses tried several times to calm him down, but to no avail. Once, they even threatened to kick him out of the hospital if he didn’t eat, bringing him a hospital meal. Then Go Baekwoo, tears streaming down his face, forced himself to swallow the food, and then vomited it all up. What more could they do? Eventually, the doctor gave up and simply put Go Baekwoo on an IV drip.

Needles were inserted into both Cha Hongjo’s and Go Baekwoo’s wrists.

Besides the doctors and nurses, there was one more person who regularly visited the room where Go Baekwoo kept watch 24/7. It was Park Solchan.

He felt partly responsible for Cha Hongjo’s hospitalization. He thought that if he had stayed with Cha Hongjo instead of leaving work on the last day of filming, this might not have happened.

Today, too, Park Solchan brought two hands full of lunch boxes, knowing that Go Baekwoo wouldn’t even glance at them. He didn’t force the food on Go Baekwoo, but put it in the refrigerator. He took yesterday’s lunch boxes home with him. He had repeated this for three days, but he wasn’t annoyed. Only his worries grew.

Cha Hongjo lying like a corpse, Go Baekwoo noticeably thinner after only three days. It would have been strange if he wasn’t worried.

Though not as much as Go Baekwoo, Park Solchan felt guilt, worry, and responsibility. He wanted to do something more helpful than just making lunch boxes that no one touched.

“Um… CEO.”

So, he finally spoke up.

CEO Go, who had been bowing his head towards Cha Hongjo, looked up. Park Solchan thought CEO Go resembled a flower being drenched in the rainy season. Although it was his own comparison, it was quite apt. The handsome CEO was always crying whenever he saw him.

“If you don’t mind, could I go to Mr. Hongjo’s house? Alone…”

“…”

“…”

“I’m absolutely not trying to do anything strange, I just want to clean up a bit. I thought it wouldn’t be good for Mr. Hongjo when he goes back if the house is left empty for too long.”

“…”

CEO Go was a man of few words except when he was angry, and since Cha Hongjo had been brought to the hospital, he hadn’t spoken a word. Park Solchan had to try to understand his feelings just by observing his bloodshot eyes. However, it was impossible to discern any thoughts in those brown eyes, layered with grief.

“Ah, or, just… leave it…”

He was about to give up. CEO Go silently handed him a key. He quickly took Cha Hongjo’s house key.

Go Baekwoo turned his head and gaze back to Cha Hongjo as if erasing Park Solchan’s presence.

“CEO, please let me know if you need anything.”

“…”

What could CEO Go possibly need right now? Probably nothing other than for Cha Hongjo to wake up. Park Solchan regretted asking such a pointless question.

“Then… I’ll be back.”

In any case, now that he had something he could do, he had to do his best. With that sense of mission, he clutched the key tightly and headed for the empty house.

He had only picked Cha Hongjo up from his house for schedules. Today was his first time inside. The impression of the house, with its owner absent, was just like Cha Hongjo.

Looking around the desolate interior, Park Solchan rolled up his sleeves. Though it didn’t seem necessary, he planned to start with cleaning as he had intended. From the living room, which was the first place he stepped into after the entrance.

He found cleaning supplies in a corner and swept and mopped every nook and cranny of the floor. As he examined the floor closely while crouching down, there were indeed things to clean. A house would show signs of neglect if it wasn’t touched for even a day. It was a good thing he had worked up the courage to ask for the key.

“Oh dear…”

His back ached after cleaning the entire living room floor, which was as big as his own. He stood up to stretch his back. Then he thought, ‘This will take all day,’ and his eyes searched for things to tidy up. There weren’t many belongings in the spacious house, so he could quickly identify and organize them.

First, he had to clean up the ashtray overflowing with cigarette butts and the sofa and table littered with scripts, bills, and other things.

He stood up and approached the table. Kneeling again, he gathered the papers scattered on the floor and sofa. He neatly placed them on one side of the table and shifted his gaze slightly.

[Thousand Purple, Ten Thousand Red]

The script for the movie that almost became Cha Hongjo’s last work caught his eye. Unlike the other papers, it was clearly worn with use. Enough to easily imagine how many times Cha Hongjo had read and reread it.

“…”

Did he choose this movie because he felt a kinship with the ‘man’?

And because of that, did he make… that kind of choice?

“Sigh…”

Briefly flipping through the <Thousand Purple, Ten Thousand Red> script left him with a complicated feeling. He quickly put the script down and placed it under the table, on top of a stack of other scripts, to escape the unpleasant feeling.

And then he saw an open notebook.

“…”

He tried not to look at the contents, but he couldn’t help it. Because the owner was sick, the first page of the casually open notebook contained such brief content that every letter was imprinted in his mind in the instant he saw it.

“…Oh…”

This was bad. He had seen something he shouldn’t have. He looked around like a thief hiding a jewel. He quickly closed the notebook.

“…What should I do?”

What had happened couldn’t be undone, but it shouldn’t happen again. After some thought, he put the notebook in his bag. His heart raced. This was extremely troubling. He felt similar to when he had unintentionally overheard Cha Hongjo’s monologue in Miyang City.

It began like a diary, but judging by the ending, it was definitely a letter.

The content was extremely short, but private enough to instantly expose a person’s heart…

When Park Solchan arrived at the hospital, hiding the secret letter in his bag, a commotion was unfolding in the hospital room. At the center of the commotion were CEO Go and his father, Chairman Go Daeil of Geumyang Group. Park Solchan knew Chairman Go. He had been summoned by him when he was newly hired by Hi Entertainment.

Like father, like son. Like the CEO, Chairman Go wasn’t one for unnecessary words, so he got straight to the point even though they had only met once.

He had told Park Solchan, Cha Hongjo’s manager, to report every single instruction CEO Go Baekwoo gave him.

As an ordinary citizen, it was difficult for Park Solchan to refuse Chairman Go’s order. He had been unemployed for a long time after managing a singer who caused controversy, and his livelihood was at stake. He had no choice but to agree and act as a “double agent,” so to speak, between CEO Go, actor Cha, and Chairman Go.

He hadn’t seen Chairman Go in person since their first meeting, but since he was a figure as memorable as CEO Go, he recognized him immediately today. Moreover, the father and son arguing resembled each other quite a bit.

Anyway, the situation unfolding before him seemed serious. Despite Park Solchan’s arrival, the Go father and son were too busy arguing.

Go Daeil shouted.

“Are you coming out or not? Do you even know what you look like right now! I can’t stand to see you like this anymore!”

“If you can’t stand it.”

So he wasn’t mute. Park Solchan gripped the strap of his bag tightly as he heard Go Baekwoo’s hoarse voice. The father and son were shouting in front of a patient. The tension emanating from them was intense.

“Then don’t look at me.”

“What did you say!”

Go Daeil’s face turned red as he roared. This was unusual behavior for him.

“Stop being so stubborn!”

“I’m not being stubborn, you are! Please, just go!”

Go Baekwoo also raised his voice, which he hadn’t used except for crying for three days.

“That kid is ruining you! Don’t you see!”

“Ruining me? Cha Hongjo is ruining me?”

Go Baekwoo asked sarcastically, then briefly looked away from his father and smiled bitterly.

“I’m ruining Cha Hongjo. That woman! You, Father, ruined Cha Hongjo. Can’t you see?”

“…You ungrateful brat!”

“Can’t you see!”

Go Baekwoo shouted, gesturing towards Cha Hongjo.

“Ha…”

He finally sighed and lowered his voice.

“If you have eyes, then look. Father. He, that kid lying there… How can he ruin me? Don’t you think so?”

“…You’re out of your mind.”

“I shouldn’t be sane.”

Go Baekwoo suddenly ruffled his hair as if he had become a lunatic and stared at his father with sharp eyes. “Father, you said you knew everything about me.”

“I, I love Cha Hongjo.”

Go Daeil’s wrinkles deepened instantly.

“But how can I not go crazy?”

“…Huh.”

Go Daeil let out a sigh.

Hearing the situation from someone else and hearing it directly from the person involved had different levels of impact.

Love. His son uttered the word without hesitation, even though the other person was a man.

“You’re incredibly immature…”

“I’d rather stay immature my whole life than become like you.”

Go Baekwoo unearthed the hatred he had buried in his heart since childhood. The hatred, buried for so long, was still sharp and pointed.

“I, I don’t want to…”

He thought it had softened or melted, but it had been hiding in this form.

“I don’t want to become a pathetic fool who can’t even protect the person he loves.”

Go Baekwoo clenched his jaw and lacerated his father with the unearthed hatred.

“What kind of love is it to abandon someone for your own convenience, on a whim, and then try to take them back when it suits you?”

“…”

Go Daeil couldn’t refute him.

“I don’t need anything, so take back the charity you gave to your pathetic son.”

Go Baekwoo spoke in a voice devoid of any lingering affection or regret.

“All I need is Cha Hongjo.”

“…”

“I’ll leave the house too. Take care of my things…”

“Baekwoo.”

Go Daeil, who had been silently listening, grabbed his son’s shoulder. Go Baekwoo shook him off. Go Daeil’s fingertips trembled with dismay.

“…Go ahead and indulge in that grand love affair of yours.”

“I will, until I die. Whether I die… or he dies.”

“…”

“So stop tormenting Cha Hongjo.”

It meant that if anything happened to Cha Hongjo, Go Baekwoo wouldn’t remain intact either.

Slap—! Go Daeil slapped Go Baekwoo.

“…”

“…”

“…”

For the next ten minutes, Go Daeil silently stared at Go Baekwoo, whose eyes and cheek were both red, then turned around without a word.

As soon as his father left, Go Baekwoo collapsed onto the caregiver’s chair, hunched over, and covered his face with his hands. His shoulders shook slightly a couple of times before he straightened up.

“…”

Only then did he notice Park Solchan. When did he arrive? How much did he see and hear… No, that wasn’t important.

“Please just leave today.”

He wanted to be alone with Cha Hongjo.

However.

“CEO, about that…”

Park Solchan, who usually obeyed him without question, didn’t budge even when told to leave, and started rummaging through his bag. Did he bring more of that damned food? He was annoyed. Exhausted. He just wanted Park Solchan to leave.

Just as Go Baekwoo was suppressing his irritation,

“I think I need to give you this.”

Park Solchan handed him a notebook.

“…It was open, so I saw it without meaning to. I’m sorry…”

“What is it?”

What should he call it? A diary, or a letter. Since the writer couldn’t tell him, he had to convey it correctly.

After a brief moment of contemplation, Park Solchan said,

“It’s a letter… that Mr. Hongjo wrote to you.”

“…A letter?”

Go Baekwoo quickly took the notebook before he could mutter anything else.

Park Solchan immediately bowed and quietly left the room. Click. As soon as he closed the door to the hospital room, his legs gave way and he slumped against the wall. It was done. From now on, it was up to those who were left behind.

“Ha… This is too much.”

His damned meddling nature…

A hot-tempered boss and a rude actor.

Still, he hoped they would be happy.

That Cha Hongjo would be…

Go Baekwoo looked at Cha Hongjo, fiddling with the corner of the notebook.

A letter to him…?

He was afraid, unable to imagine what it might say. It definitely wouldn’t be a love letter. Cha Hongjo wasn’t the type to secretly write love letters, and he himself didn’t deserve to receive a love letter from Cha Hongjo.

Then…

Go Baekwoo hesitated to open the notebook, anticipating that it might contain words of resentment. He was afraid that it would be filled with words hinting at a breakup. Even if he received a letter filled with hatred, he wouldn’t be in a position to make excuses, but still, he couldn’t face the burning resentment directed at him through written words. He wasn’t ready.

It must have been something Cha Hongjo couldn’t say to his face, so he wrote it down on paper and kept it to himself. Although Cha Hongjo seemed to blurt out whatever came to mind, he had actually been concealing the truly important things. What did he want to say to him by writing a letter?

It was ridiculous.

Go Baekwoo pointed a finger at himself.

Hypocrite.

He had said that as long as Cha Hongjo lived, he didn’t need Cha Hongjo to love him, and that he would embrace any misfortune in Cha Hongjo’s place. Yet, he was now trembling in fear of being hurt again. He was trying to escape from the truth for fear of being abandoned by Cha Hongjo. He shouldn’t do that. It was he, not Cha Hongjo, who had been avoiding and escaping all this time. He couldn’t remain blind any longer. Only when he opened his eyes first could he truly protect Cha Hongjo.

Go Baekwoo pinched the cover of the notebook between his thumb and index finger.

Even though he berated himself, the fear kept creeping up. With trembling hands, he turned the cover.

[March 26th.]

“…”

It’s supposed to be a letter.

After reading the first line, Go Baekwoo deliberately looked away from the notebook and took a deep breath.

A letter should properly start with something like ‘To Go Baekwoo.’ If it started with a date, it was a diary. A diary…

It was much better to read a diary that offered a glimpse into Cha Hongjo than a letter addressed to him. Thinking this way, the trembling in his hands stopped.

He lowered his gaze from Cha Hongjo’s face with its gently closed eyelids, back to the notebook.

“…”

The content written in the notebook was so concise that every letter was imprinted in his mind in the instant he saw it.

[Go Baekwoo.

Cha Hongjo.]

The scribbled letters.

[Go Baekwoo.]

Each and every letter written by Cha Hongjo.

[I like you.]

In his head, in his heart.

[I loved you for the first time.]

They were imprinted.

🔥

March 26th.

Go Baekwoo.

Cha Hongjo.

Go Baekwoo.

I like you.

I loved you for the first time.

“…”

Having written that far, Cha Hongjo put down the pen.

That was all he wanted to leave behind, even in death.

🔥

The doctor’s words that Cha Hongjo would wake up within three days at the latest were wrong. It had been a full ten days since Cha Hongjo fell asleep.

Except for his wrists, which would soon bear scars, Cha Hongjo looked fine. His pale cheeks had regained their color and his chapped lips were smooth. If anyone saw him, they would think he was simply sleeping peacefully.

Even the attending physician was puzzled. He should have woken up by now.

The doctor said it seemed Cha Hongjo was voluntarily avoiding consciousness. It meant he wasn’t waking up due to psychological reasons. Go Baekwoo felt somewhat resentful towards Cha Hongjo, and then felt sorry and despairing because he could understand how Cha Hongjo felt, and he wanted to close his eyes and follow Cha Hongjo.

Now, Go Baekwoo looked more like a patient than Cha Hongjo. He hadn’t had a proper meal and had only been dozing off while sitting. He hadn’t left the room except to wash up. His only thought was that he had to be there the moment Cha Hongjo woke up.

The indefinite wait was making Go Baekwoo wither away. It was a stark contrast to Cha Hongjo. It was as if he had shared his life force with Cha Hongjo. If he hadn’t been naturally strong, he would have collapsed and been lying next to Cha Hongjo long ago.

“CEO, you must eat today.”

Unable to stand it any longer, Park Solchan started forcing Go Baekwoo to eat in his own way, though he felt presumptuous doing so. But Go Baekwoo didn’t even glance at him and just waved him away, telling him to leave.

“CEO.”

It was frustrating.

Park Solchan, who wouldn’t budge despite being told to leave, spoke in a firm voice.

“What about Mr. Hongjo if you get sick?”

CEO Go finally looked at him when he mentioned Cha Hongjo.

“How do you think Mr. Hongjo will feel, huh?”

“…”

In the past, he would have imagined Cha Hongjo clicking his tongue and saying, ‘How will I feel? Relieved to be rid of that tiresome guy,’ but.

Go Baekwoo made a face as if he’d been stabbed in the gut.

[Go Baekwoo.

I like you.

I loved you for the first time.]

He would be consumed with guilt for making the person he loved suffer. His heart would be torn apart. Go Baekwoo could easily imagine it because he had vividly experienced those feelings for days. Cha Hongjo would definitely be in pain…

“Alright.”

Go Baekwoo, who had been clenching his fists on his thighs, finally opened his parched lips.

“I’ll eat.”

“Ah, good thinking! I’ll bring it to you now.”

Park Solchan smiled brightly and rushed to the refrigerator. His efforts had paid off. If CEO Go ate properly, it would be a relief in this disastrous situation.

But Go Baekwoo ended up vomiting everything he ate.

“…”

“…Are you okay?”

He must have taken the opportunity to wash up completely. Park Solchan asked Go Baekwoo, who came out with his hair completely wet. He couldn’t be okay, though.

“Should I get you some digestive medicine?”

“…No, it’s fine.”

Go Baekwoo, who had put a towel around his neck, walked weakly to his usual spot and slumped down. The sight of him with his head bowed, wiping his wet face, was utterly pathetic.

He was worried because Go Baekwoo was losing weight day by day, so he tried to make him eat, but was it a mistake? Park Solchan regretted it and looked at CEO Go with pity in his eyes.

A few minutes passed.

Go Baekwoo, who had removed his hands from his face, looked directly at Park Solchan.

“Solchan.”

“Yes?”

Park Solchan was so used to being treated as if he didn’t exist in the hospital that he immediately tensed up. He felt like an invisible man whose identity had been discovered.

“…Did you,”

Go Baekwoo hesitated before speaking.

“Did you have any inkling, any feeling, that something like this would happen?”

‘Something like this’ referred to Cha Hongjo’s suicide attempt.

“…Uh…”

Park Solchan was flustered by the unexpected question.

“I was thinking about it while I was washing up.”

As if he understood his thoughts, Go Baekwoo explained why he had asked the question.

“The people who spend the most time with Cha Hongjo are either me or you. But after this happened, I didn’t ask you anything, and you didn’t ask me anything even though you must have been curious. We both did that, didn’t we?”

“…”

“So, I think we need to talk, you and I. For… Cha Hongjo.”

“…”

“You said you saw the notebook.”

Go Baekwoo briefly glanced at the drawer where Cha Hongjo’s “letter” was kept.

“Weren’t you surprised? That a male CEO and a male actor are in that kind of relationship.”

“…Ha…”

Here it comes. Park Solchan relaxed his stiff shoulders and let out a long sigh.

As CEO Go had noticed, even after seeing the contents of the notebook, he was more bewildered by the fact that he had found the letter before Go Baekwoo, rather than concerned about their relationship. Because.

‘Father. This time, it’s me.’

He had overheard the whole confession in Miyang City, where he had followed Cha Hongjo secretly on CEO Go’s orders.

Would things have been different, better, if he had told CEO Go everything he had heard that day? Perhaps the gap in the relationship between Go Baekwoo and Cha Hongjo had formed because he had kept his mouth shut.

“…Actually, there’s something I haven’t told you.”

Overwhelmed with guilt, Park Solchan opened his mouth. What did it matter if they were both men? A person was struggling in pain.

“That time in Miyang City…”

He finally did what he should have done a long time ago.

Go Baekwoo started crying from the part where Park Solchan said Cha Hongjo had visited his father’s grave.

By the time Park Solchan finished his last words, Go Baekwoo’s cheeks were more drenched than his still-damp hair.

🔥

While Go Baekwoo was listening to Park Solchan’s monologue-like story, Go Baekwoo’s mother, Lee Heejin, received a call from her ex-husband.

— Heejin. I, I thought he had completely become my son. I was wrong. After not even being a proper father…

Her ex-husband, Go Daeil, was drunk.

— You can laugh at me. I want to make excuses. That’s why I… called you…

Lee Heejin silently listened to Go Daeil’s drunken voice.

— You know, my father, he wasn’t a normal man. He was the kind of person who would even try to outdo his own children. Remember when we were dating? I was so desperate to look cool in front of you. Even though I was a pathetic fool who couldn’t say a word in front of my father…

It had been a long time since Go Daeil had been this drunk and this honest. Lee Heejin guessed that some serious argument must have taken place between Go Daeil and his son.

Her son, who called at least three times a week to check on her, never talked about himself. Lee Heejin always only heard, ‘I’m doing well,’ from Go Baekwoo. Then, about a month ago, the contact from Baekwoo stopped, and soon after, she heard the bad news about ‘actor Cha Hongjo’ on TV.

Only those involved would know whether Cha Hongjo was related to the problems between Go Daeil and his son. But Lee Heejin had a subtle certainty. It must be related.

— Heejin.

“…”

Her ex-husband continued to pour out his heart to the silent listener.

— Baekwoo, my son Baekwoo… is really, very much like you. He doesn’t resemble his foolish father at all. That’s a good thing.

Go Daeil’s tone was a mixture of laughter and tears.

— He doesn’t care about money or background. Baekwoo wants what you wanted. Love… How wise. At that age, I’m sorry to say this to you, but succeeding my father was more important to me than love… I regret it.

A deep sigh came from the other end of the line.

— I’m ashamed in front of you, and in front of Baekwoo.

“Daeil.”

At that moment, Lee Heejin broke her continued silence.

“Is Baekwoo, okay?”

She no longer had any feelings for her ex-husband. That was all she wanted to know.

— …Baekwoo is.

Chairman Go, reading her mind, feigned composure and lowered his voice.

— Not okay.

“…He’s in the hospital, isn’t he?”

— …Yes. He’s out of his mind. I… I wanted you to see him. That’s why I called, but I ended up saying useless things.

Every word from the man who had given his all to a past relationship was thick with lingering affection. However, Lee Heejin didn’t care about such things. She was only concerned about her son’s whereabouts. Whether he was eating well…

“Which hospital is he in?”

— I’ll send someone. Go with them. Visits are restricted.

“Send them now, right now.”

— I will.

Then she heard Go Daeil say to someone on the other end, ‘Go to Wonseon-dong,’ and the sound of his breathing became clearer as he put the receiver back to his mouth.

— Heejin.

“Yes. Thank you, for sending a car.”

— No, don’t say that.

“…”

— I’m grateful to you. And…

“…”

— …Please take care of Baekwoo.

“…Don’t worry about that.”

— Can I call you again?

Lee Heejin answered immediately.

“About Baekwoo, yes. Even though he looks grown up, he’s still a child. He needs his father.”

— …

“…I’ll hang up now if you have nothing else to say.”

— Alright, stay well.

“You should cut down on the drinking.”

— Haha… Alright.

Lee Heejin listened to the breathing of the other party who hadn’t hung up first for a moment, then ended the call.

She checked the time. Although it was past evening, she should pack some food in case he hadn’t eaten. The person Go Daeil sent would arrive soon. She moved quickly.

She rushed over as if fleeing a war zone, but Go Baekwoo wasn’t in the room. Lee Heejin only encountered Cha Hongjo, lying still, and Park Solchan.

“Oh, uh… Hello?”

Park Solchan greeted the unfamiliar visitor. Since visitors were strictly restricted here, he assumed she wasn’t just ‘anyone.’ The woman smiled warmly and bowed her head slightly. Bowing his head in return, he thought… he’d seen her somewhere before… Ah.

“Are you, by any chance, CEO Go’s mother?”

“Oh? Yes. Do we look alike?”

Lee Heejin replied with a brighter smile. Park Solchan thought, ‘I knew it,’ and was suddenly overwhelmed with emotion. Had he felt such a warm atmosphere recently? Since the day Cha Hongjo was found at the hotel, everyone around him had been living in darkness, as if dragged into a pit along with him. Park Solchan himself was no exception.

“Yes… Ah, I’m Mr. Hongjo’s manager, Park Solchan.”

“I see. Nice to meet you.”

“Yes, yes… Nice to meet you too.”

Lee Heejin had a friendly demeanor, but the time and place weren’t appropriate for smiling, so she spoke to Park Solchan, whose face was shadowed.

“I came to see my son and his friend, but my son isn’t here.”

Lee Heejin looked around again needlessly and finally put down the bundles she was carrying in both hands, which were heavy enough to make her shoulders droop. Park Solchan felt a pang of regret and moved the two bundles she had placed on the floor to a suitable place. Judging by the shape and the delicious smell emanating from the cloth, it was probably rice and side dishes.

It was fortunate that CEO Go was away at this moment. Park Solchan felt inwardly relieved. His mother’s heart would break seeing her noticeably haggard son throwing up immediately after eating.

“Here, please sit down.”

“Thank you.”

Park Solchan offered Lee Heejin the seat where he had been sitting in for Go Baekwoo. Lee Heejin sat down without hesitation. And immediately turned towards the hospital bed.

“…”

One might expect her to wonder where her son had gone, but Go Baekwoo’s mother checked the patient’s condition first.

“Oh dear, he’s so thin. He wasn’t like this the last time I saw him…”

Park Solchan suddenly felt his eyes well up as he watched Lee Heejin stroking Cha Hongjo’s cheek with the back of her hand and sighing deeply.

So many people are worried about you, Mr. Hongjo. Please wake up soon.

Swallowing his unspoken words along with his tears, Park Solchan moved a little closer to Lee Heejin.

“Mother, the CEO is…”

“Ah, yes. Where did Baekwoo go?”

“…He had something to do. He’ll probably be back by dawn… or tomorrow.”

Park Solchan stammered, unsure how much to explain to Go Baekwoo’s mother.

“I see…”

However, that was all Lee Heejin said in response.

Park Solchan pictured Go Baekwoo, driving with his eyes swollen from crying.

It was after he had told her everything he had seen and heard in Miyang City. CEO Go had cried for a long time, and then suddenly said he was going to Miyang City. Park Solchan couldn’t help but be surprised, as he hadn’t left Cha Hongjo’s side for ten days. However, instead of asking anything, he simply told Go Baekwoo to be careful and that he would keep a close watch on Cha Hongjo. CEO Go needed time away from the hospital to clear his head. This was the chance.

🔥

It wasn’t his first time here, but it was impossible to find the Cha family gravesite in this mountain village he’d only visited once. So Go Baekwoo walked around the village until he came across an elderly man and asked, “Is there a… a Cha family grave here?” He briefly worried about what he would do if it turned out to be a village where the Cha clan lived together, but it was an unnecessary worry.

“Cha family grave? It’s over there…”

The elderly man pointed in the four o’clock direction with his finger.

“There’s a red tiled house. Go straight up the path next to it.”

“Ah, I see. Thank you.”

Go Baekwoo bowed his head in thanks and was about to leave immediately.

“But what are you going there for?”

The elderly man, after scanning Go Baekwoo from head to toe, asked with a suspicious look. It was natural to be suspicious of a stranger asking about a gravesite. Go Baekwoo forced a smile and replied,

“My friend asked me a favor.”

“What kind of favor?”

“…He said he couldn’t visit the grave during the holidays, so he asked me to go for him.”

It was a lie, but he spoke smoothly without hesitation.

“Who’s your friend? Cha’s son?”

“Yes, that’s right.”

“Hmm… What brings him here after all this time?”

Despite his somewhat harsh words, the elderly man softened his expression. Go Baekwoo thanked him once again and headed towards where Cha Hongjo’s father was buried. He climbed the hill. The edge of Wonseon-dong, where he used to live, was just as steep, so he was used to the incline, but today, for some reason, it felt difficult. Even taking each step.

Were Cha Hongjo’s steps heavy or light when he climbed this hill? Did he climb it feeling like he was putting down his burdens? Or did it feel like jumping into a thorn bush again, getting pricked by the branches blocking his way?

Did Cha Hongjo wish for death from that moment on?

How… long a hill did Cha Hongjo climb to stand on the cliff?

Go Baekwoo was breathless. It was partly because he hadn’t moved his body for ten days, but also because his chest and whole body ached as he tried to understand Cha Hongjo’s feelings.

Where was the grave? Just as he was getting tired of the arduous climb, he found it. Go Baekwoo decided to rest for a moment, even though there was nowhere to sit, and lowered his body down anywhere. He thought he’d rest after passing the tree that seemed to be looking down at him, its branches bent downwards, so he bent his upper body low to pass under it. Then, unlike before, a flat area appeared. There were three graves. Side by side.

“…”

This is it.

Go Baekwoo was certain even before checking the tombstones.

He had to see which of the three graves was Cha Hongjo’s father’s. He came here to talk to him. Just as Cha Hongjo had.

‘…It was the furthest one…’

He arrived in front of the grave furthest in the corner, just as he had heard from Park Solchan.

Kneeling down on the light green field, Go Baekwoo took out soju, paper cups, and some snacks. He filled two paper cups in a row while glancing at the tombstone.

[Cha Inyoon 車刃潤]

That was the name of the man who was Cha Hongjo’s origin.

After filling the paper cups, Go Baekwoo stood up and bowed, then sat back down where the grass had been flattened by his weight.

“Hello… I’m…”

His throat tightened.

“My name is… Go Baekwoo. I’m… a friend of your son, Hongjo…”

What couldn’t he say in front of a dead man who couldn’t rebuke him? Go Baekwoo cleared his throat and continued.

“I love your son, Cha Hongjo.”

He spoke clearly.

“That’s why I came here.”

‘…There, Mr. Hongjo was very, different from usual. He seemed agitated… He was angry, and then he cried… And then he calmed down again… I think, maybe, from then on, he was already having those kinds of… thoughts.’

“To ask you a favor.”

‘…It was quite a while ago, and… I was a bit far from Mr. Hongjo at the time, so I couldn’t hear very well. Anyway… Mr. Hongjo talked a lot about death…’

Go Baekwoo spoke calmly, recalling Park Solchan’s words.

‘And, it seems like he didn’t have a good relationship with you when you were alive… Mr. Hongjo was angry and cursing, he was cursing…’

“Thank you for bringing Cha Hongjo into this world. I heard… that you weren’t a good father to Cha Hongjo. But still, thank you for letting me meet him.”

Go Baekwoo’s eyes welled up.

‘I think I also heard that you didn’t have a peaceful death. He said, Mr. Hongjo said that he would never die like you. But then suddenly… he said it was hard to wait until the day he died… And also… after that…’

His eyes and the skin around them were sore from crying so much lately.

‘There’s… someone who likes him, and… Mr. Hongjo likes that person too…’

But he couldn’t control his tears or his smiles.

‘He said he’s worried that… things would go wrong if he told that person…’

There was no way to stop the tears that fell lightly like spring rain and then poured down like monsoon rain.

‘Everyone abandoned Mr. Hongjo… and he said that that person would also abandon him someday… So he said Mr. Hongjo had to abandon everyone first…’

Go Baekwoo’s shoulders shook as he muttered in a trembling voice.

“…Now… Hongjo is, near you. That shouldn’t happen. You, you… hurt him. Cha Hongjo shouldn’t go there…”

Cha Hongjo must have left his sorrow here. Overwhelmed by an unbearable grief, Go Baekwoo couldn’t continue speaking and just prostrated himself, sobbing.

‘That person. The person Mr. Hongjo was talking about was you, CEO… I definitely heard that, clearly.’

A long time passed. Go Baekwoo lifted his tear-stained face and stared directly at the tombstone.

“I’m… asking you.”

His finely fringed eyelashes were glistening with tears. Wiping his heavy eyelids, Go Baekwoo spoke again.

“Please, I’m begging you.”

He prostrated himself in front of the tombstone.

“If Cha Hongjo… has come there, chase him away.”

He clutched the grass, damp with tears instead of dew.

“You don’t deserve to have Cha Hongjo.”

The grass was helplessly crushed in his tightly clenched fist.

“Only I, I can have Cha Hongjo.”

Go Baekwoo released his grip as he raised his prostrate body. The uprooted grass was carried away by the gentle spring breeze.

“Because I, Cha Hongjo loves me.”

His wheat-colored hair, like an autumn sunset, fluttered in the same direction. His eyes, of the same color, were moist but reflected a firm, unwavering light.

🔥

Lee Heejin smiled kindly at Park Solchan, who had fallen asleep. It had only been forty minutes since she had offered him a cot, saying, ‘You can sleep if you’re tired!’

He must be tired.

Lee Heejin covered Park Solchan, who was even snoring, with a blanket. Although they had only met today and exchanged a few words, he seemed like a good person. It was a blessing that such a trustworthy person was by her son and his friend’s side. That’s why they could breathe even in this harsh world.

Back at Cha Hongjo’s bedside, her son’s original spot, Lee Heejin pulled up the blanket, which only reached Cha Hongjo’s chest, and tucked it securely around him.

Darkness was falling outside the window, as she glanced out. Even though spring had arrived, the black evening and the white hospital felt chilly.

“Don’t inherit the pain…”

Lee Heejin murmured in a very low voice to Cha Hongjo, covering his hand with hers, words she wanted to say to her son. After sending Go Baekwoo to his father, she felt like every young man his age was her son. But since this was the young man her son had brought as a friend, her feelings were even stronger.

No.

“…”

Although he had been introduced as a friend, she had realized long ago that they were more than friends.

She had raised her son, feeding and clothing him for over ten years. She could tell where he was going just by his gait, and she could read his thoughts just by a glance at his eyes. A mother just pretended not to know. She wasn’t truly ignorant. If her son’s happiness depended on her ignorance, she would pretend not to know forever.

Lee Heejin easily made this unwavering resolution as she gently stroked Cha Hongjo’s hand.

“He’s really thin. I’ll have to make him a meal as soon as he wakes up.”

At the same time, she enveloped Cha Hongjo’s thin face with a warm gaze.

“Hongjo.”

Lee Heejin spoke to the sleeping young man. He looked like an angel, his eyes peacefully closed.

“Are you enduring? Or do you want to give up?”

Naturally, the young man didn’t answer.

“Don’t endure, and don’t give up.”

But Lee Heejin didn’t stop.

“You can live by sharing what you need to endure and what you need to give up. That’s why people meet other people.”

Lee Heejin took a deep breath and continued.

“Our Baekwoo, he was a child who endured. A child who tried to shoulder everything. That’s why my heart ached so much. It would have been better if he had thrown it all away and acted spoiled… But, that child changed.”

Lee Heejin, who had weathered all sorts of storms with her child in her arms, spoke in an almost indifferent tone.

“He stopped enduring, stopped shouldering everything, and chose what he needed. I was so curious about what made him change. It wasn’t like he suddenly matured or anything… But now that I see it, it seems like it’s all thanks to you.”

Lee Heejin gently tapped Cha Hongjo’s hand.

“Isn’t it much better to carry a single flower than an aging parent? For Baekwoo, and for me… Hongjo, thank you so much. Thank you for making Baekwoo light, for making him happy. So… you have to wake up soon, okay?”

At that moment, beneath the eyelids that had been closed for ten days, his eyes moved.

“The only thing Baekwoo desires is you, so you have to be here. Am I being too greedy?”

Lee Heejin didn’t notice, as her gaze was fixed on Cha Hongjo’s thin hand.

“That’s right. I’m a greedy old woman. That’s why I make too much food. I packed enough lunchboxes for two or three days today. So wake up quickly and eat them. It would be a waste to throw them away.”

“…”

“…Oh dear, what am I going to do with you?”

Lee Heejin finally sighed in exasperation at Cha Hongjo. And then it happened. Go Baekwoo burst through the door.

“…Mom.”

“…Son, you’re here?”

Lee Heejin, still holding Cha Hongjo’s hand, turned around and greeted her son with a smile.

🔥

At the same time. Suddenly, even in the sleeping man’s dream, Go Baekwoo opened the door and came in.

“Cha Hongjo.”

“…”

Cha Hongjo, who had been huddled in the dark space, raised his head and looked at Go Baekwoo. A red light was pouring in from the open rectangular shape behind him.

“Let’s go.”

Go Baekwoo strode towards him, grabbed his wrist, and said. Go Baekwoo’s grip was very strong. He had no choice but to straighten his huddled body and stand up.

“Where are we going?”

He asked, holding Go Baekwoo’s hand, which had slid down from his wrist to his hand. As he got closer to the door where the red light was spilling in, he could smell something.

“Heaven.”

It intensified.

“Fuck, where is heaven?”

“Right here, right now.”

As soon as Go Baekwoo answered, he stepped outside first and pulled Cha Hongjo along. Cha Hongjo, who had been buried in darkness for a long time, immediately squinted at the brilliant light that enveloped him.

“Here, where you and I are holding hands.”

A brilliant red filled his narrowed vision. It was truly a myriad of purples and reds, a riot of colors.