Actually, It’s a Messy Melodrama Chapter 63

He had never felt so useless for not knowing how to comfort someone. If only he had paid more attention to others’ emotions. If only he had studied what words to use to care for a heart experiencing unbearable sorrow.

Taejun found himself utterly foolish and pathetic, unable to do anything but sit beside Haeshin.

“Representative Sir, I truly wanted to live.”

“I know. Yes.”

“I struggled desperately to live. No one else would have strained themselves as much as I did.”

With just those words, Taejun could vividly sense the days of Haeshin’s life he hadn’t known. Cha Haeshin was a person who didn’t give up, unlike Han Taejun-

Taejun had become increasingly listless going through meaningless regressions. He felt weariness. There were times when he actually wanted to let go of everything, and he had done so.

So, he knew better than anyone else how earnest the desperate effort Haeshin, who likely experienced the same time, was talking about. It truly wasn’t easy to hold onto the will to live through such powerless days.

“But… if the end of such a hard effort is here, if this is the conclusion…”

“…”

“Representative Sir… I just want to die now.”

I just want to die.

Haeshin’s confession-like words became a sharp blade that stabbed Taejun’s heart. Taejun too had often thought he would rather just die. Any outcome was fine if only he could break this repeating regression.

“Please, just let me die.”

But the moment those words came out of Haeshin’s mouth, it felt as if the world was collapsing. Since when had Haeshin’s life become so crucially important to him?

Taejun unconsciously cradled Haeshin’s cheek, making him look at him. The moment he saw his own reflection in the eyes that had been wandering in the air, Taejun felt a single, sole yearning fill his soul.

He wanted to save Cha Haeshin. He wanted to save his soul, not just his body. He wanted to dedicate everything he had to the decent life, happiness, and future that Haeshin wished for. It was a desire so intense that it was almost too much for him to bear.

“It’s okay, Cha Haeshin. It will be okay. I promise. I will make it happen.”

Taejun said, looking directly into Haeshin’s eyes. It wasn’t just words of comfort. For the first time, Taejun liked this hell that allowed for regression.

All it took was for the regression to be triggered, it didn’t have to be now, just that the day would come. Although the grief Haeshin felt now wouldn’t be undone, death could be reversed. Regression was a power that could have been a blessing to someone because of that.

“I promise you. We just need to go back to a better day than now… That’s all we need to do.”

Taejun whispered like a spell and kissed Haeshin’s forehead. Haeshin showed no surprise even at the sudden kiss. He seemed unable to properly hear even Taejun’s words. Considering he didn’t react to the words about going back, that is.

“Everything will be fine. From now on, I… I will always be by your side.”

Taejun didn’t care though. It was fine if he didn’t hear it, or remember it. Still, Taejun wanted to comfort Haeshin with all his might and embrace his exhausted soul.

“Haeshin-ah…”

The name, always called ‘Cha Haeshin’ as if without any personal feeling, flowed softly from Taejun’s mouth for the first time. Haeshin-ah. The moment that desperate call reached him, Haeshin’s eyes finally focused on Taejun.

“You didn’t do anything wrong, and we… we will eventually be okay.”

Taejun’s lips, continuing his words, slowly moved down from the forehead. They gently touched the corner of Haeshin’s eyes, where traces of tears and swelling still remained, and only pulled back briefly after sliding down the bridge of his nose.

“…”

“…”

Their gazes briefly intertwined in the air. Their breaths poured out at each other’s nose tips, and all the noise in the world faded away into the distance.

Only the two of them. This place was a castle where only the two of them existed, built solely by their shared misfortune.

Standing on the ashes left behind by countless burned-out times, Taejun pulled Haeshin closer and kissed him deeply.

“Gasp…!”

Haeshin reflexively inhaled and closed his mouth. Taejun gently licked his lips with his tongue, as if soothing the startled Haeshin. As he carefully sucked and nibbled at the dry lips, Haeshin’s shoulder trembled slightly.

Taejun gently stroked Haeshin’s back, as if comforting him, and slightly released his lips. They breathed heavily at a distance so close that their lips almost brushed again. Heat rose in their bodies, and an unknown heartbeat constantly pounded in their ears.

A silence, seemingly an eternity, flowed. Just as Taejun was about to pull away, thinking that Haeshin might have been displeased because it was too sudden, Haeshin lifted both arms and hugged Taejun’s neck.

“Ah…”

Taejun burrowed into Haeshin’s lips more fiercely than before. As he playfully tickled the cracked gap between his lips with his tongue, as if asking for permission, Haeshin hurriedly opened his mouth, and Taejun pushed his tongue deep inside as if he had been waiting.

Hot, soft flesh rubbed against each other starkly. They strongly explored each other’s breath, their noses almost touching. It wasn’t a romantic kiss. It was closer to a desperate struggle for salvation.

Taejun tilted his head to fit their mouths together even more seamlessly, savoring all the tender flesh inside Haeshin’s mouth and pulling and sucking his tongue.

The soft flesh touching each other was hot. It was the body temperature of the living. Those trapped in a curse where both life and death became meaningless were desperately shouting, feeling each other’s body temperature.

That here, even in this hellish time, there was a life struggling to survive.

“Hic…!”

The moment they reached the limit of breathlessness, practically biting their lips together and mixing their tongues again, Haeshin burst into tears. Taejun held him even tighter, regardless, swallowing every breath he exhaled.

Tears streaming down his face seeped through their joined lips. Taejun wanted to suck and swallow all the self-blame and despair of Haeshin that he felt on the tip of his tongue.

Taejun knew everything now. So, it was okay even if the regression suddenly came now. Since the only being Taejun desired would no longer disappear, Han Taejun didn’t have to wander anymore.

Cha Haeshin would know it too. Once he knew he could go back, he could overcome this sadness more quickly. Thus, Taejun held Cha Haeshin close to his chest and comforted his life, which would never be forgotten. He earnestly wished that his heart could reach him.

☂️

“Uh…?”

Taejun suddenly opened his eyes wide due to a subtle cold sensation. Did I fall asleep? With a bewildered feeling, he looked out the window and saw the faint light of dawn.

Haeshin, who finally burst into tears in Taejun’s arms, cried for a long time and then fell asleep. Judging that a deep sleep would help calm his emotions in a situation like this, Taejun lay down in the bed with Haeshin in his arms.

He seemed to have inadvertently drifted off, after stroking Haeshin’s back for a long time, who was occasionally gasping with grief even in his sleep. Judging by the time, he hadn’t been asleep for very long.

“Cha Haeshin…?”

Taejun, whose memory had fully returned, sat up in bed, realizing Haeshin was not in his arms. Haeshin was nowhere to be seen in the bedroom.

“What is it.”

Taejun muttered in a sharp voice, looking around. He might have just gone to the bathroom after waking up, but he felt strangely uneasy. It was an instinctive feeling.

Taejun turned on the light in the bedroom and confirmed that the bathroom was empty. Just as he was about to rush out to the living room, a piece of paper on the bedside table caught his eye.

Taejun stood rooted to the spot for a moment, staring at the paper. His mind told him to move quickly, but his body wouldn’t obey. He felt nauseous for no reason, even though he hadn’t confirmed what the paper was.

Taejun finally managed to move his feet, which felt glued to the floor, and grabbed the paper on the table. The neatly written words in an unfamiliar handwriting were a letter from Haeshin left for Taejun.

“No, no… No, no, no, please Haeshin-ah…!”

And Taejun, who read the not-so-long letter, almost screamed as he bolted out of the room. Haeshin’s letter fell silently in the room where no one remained.

☂️

“Cha Haeshin! Cha Haeshin!!!”

Taejun ran out of the house, calling Haeshin’s name like a scream. He hadn’t even put on a coat, but he didn’t feel the cold.

After reading the letter and going out to the living room, Taejun discovered that the old sneakers Haeshin always wore were missing from the front door, and he literally felt like he was losing his mind. He knew what Cha Haeshin was thinking when he left without being told.

‘Representative Sir, if you see this letter, you probably won’t understand anything I’m saying. But it’s okay. This is just… a letter I’m leaving for my own satisfaction.’

Haeshin’s letter, which began like that, was practically a suicide note. In a world where no one could remember his death, what feelings did Cha Haeshin have as he wrote each line of that letter?