Desires Chapter 8.5 - The Losing Game

The white sunlight seeping in from outside the window was breaking into fine pieces. The warm light dug into the corners of his red, raw eyes. The fiery red corners of his eyes, as if they would crumble away, convulsed. When he woke from a particularly long sleep, what was watching over Song Yeongin was Aiden’s guilt-ridden face.

The laceration from the glass shards had, like a lie, missed the nerves, he was told. There was a lot of bleeding, but the arterial damage was not as deep as they had thought. Rather, the shock from excessive blood loss had been a greater concern.

However, because the crudely shattered glass fragments had dug deep into his delicate skin, the scar would likely remain for quite a long time, he was told. He was also told that a deep wound might remain for the rest of his life.

Song Yeongin’s expression held nothing. There was no pain, no resentment, no sadness, no anger. He just looked strangely serene. Conversely, Aiden had a devastated look on his face, as if he were the one who had slit his own wrist.

“…Because I couldn’t stop him… I’m really… sorry….”

“To Aiden, he is the boss…. I know you had no other choice….”

Song Yeongin’s gaze did not rest on Aiden. He was blankly staring out the window of this luxurious private hospital room.

The sky is so blue. Just as he was thinking how mercilessly blue it was, the name that suddenly flowed from Aiden’s lips stole the quiet peace from Song Yeongin.

“Cha Woojin….”

Only then did Song Yeongin, who had been blinking slowly, gradually fix his eyes and look up at Aiden.

“Do you still love him very much?”

It was a truth that everyone already knew but had not spoken aloud, as if it were a taboo.

“…Don’t… say strange things… to me….”

Song Yeongin’s face twitched.

“Why… say such… pointless things….”

“While you were being transported unconscious, you kept calling Cha Woojin’s name.”

“Hah…!”

Song Yeongin’s bloodless, pale, self-mocking laugh scattered emptily in the air. He must have been crazy.

No, it had been a long time since he went crazy.

“You can’t sleep because of Cha Woojin. That’s why you drink… and every time you get dead drunk and ramble, you ramble on looking for that man, asking him to hold you.”

“That’s… because I’m not in my right mind….”

“I don’t want you to get drunk anymore. I’m worried about you relying on alcohol. I lost my parents, who were junkies mired in alcohol and drugs, on the streets. That’s why I know very well how addicts completely hit rock bottom.”

Whenever Song Yeongin lost consciousness and got terribly drunk, James Han would visit the grand villa in Montauk with ETDR, a sleeping drug.

Aiden was afraid of the fact that he could not protect Song Yeongin from that immoral act. Unconditionally obeying and following the orders of his boss, James, was the reason for his existence here. However, at some point, the moral guilt and helpless self-reproach pressing down on Aiden had been constantly tormenting him.

If, by any chance, Song Yeongin were to find out that James had used drugs, his suicide attempt would not end as just an attempt. The next time, he would surely hang himself by the neck and truly end his life.

Therefore, Aiden had to implore that kid. That he must not get drunk to the point of losing consciousness anymore.

“It’s only been a year… but I’ve grown so fond of you.”

This was the reason Aiden felt a guilt and a painful pang of conscience from that kid, something he had never felt before while handling James’s dirty work.

“Sometimes, I really feel like you’re my real little brother… You know, right? That I have a little brother. I practically raised him.”

Aiden had said he was born and raised in a slum in the northern Bronx in his childhood and lost his mother and father, who were addicted to alcohol and drugs, on the streets. As the head of the family, Aiden had been supporting his younger brother, Chase, all this time.

“For a year, you completed your paintings and held an exhibition, and I was so proud, really, so proud of you…. The first day you drew me on Montauk beach… I almost cried because I was so touched, you know?”

Song Yeongin replied in a weak, small voice.

“That was just… a small croquis to practice movement.”

“……”

“Aiden is always dynamic, so it’s good practice for drawing movement.”

From a young age, Song Yeongin had always needed a single, true friend with whom he could share his heart. Aiden was his only friend, one he had gained in an unexpected situation.

Though strict at times, he was always warm like family. Occasionally, he even felt like his own brother. If his deceased hyung, Song Yeongho, had grown into a good adult, protected his younger self, and stayed by his side to strictly discipline and encourage him, wouldn’t he have been just like Aiden? Song Yeongin often had such poignant thoughts.

“In my entire life, only two people have ever drawn me… one was Chloe, and the other is you.”

Aiden’s voice wavered.

“I couldn’t stop Chloe’s death from happening at my side… If something were to happen to you too, I feel like everything would really feel like my fault. I’m sorry.”

Aiden was a strong, but warm and affectionate person. That is why he was suffering right now, out of guilt for not being able to stop James Han. Song Yeongin comforted Aiden with a softened, gentle face.

“Aiden is my only friend. If it weren’t for Aiden, I… wouldn’t have been alive or endured until now.”

A deep sadness was ingrained in Aiden’s awkwardly smiling face. For the first time, Aiden spoke tearfully in fluent and fast English that he could not understand, and Song Yeongin could not understand a single word of it because it was too fast.

Aiden just muttered unintelligible words with a guilty face. With a face that was asking him for a sincere apology.

On Song Yeongin’s left wrist, exactly where he had cut it with the glass shard, a deep wound in the shape of a long cross was etched, as if it were a lie. Its shape resembled the stigmata of a cross.

James Han, after the treatment was finished and the bandages were being re-wrapped, bowed his head like a sinner in front of Song Yeongin.

The doctor and nurse left the hospital room.

From the moment this man entered the room until now, Song Yeongin had not given him a single glance. He did not even tell him to leave. He was thoroughly ignoring him.

He remembered the kisses that man had showered on him as he rushed to rape him. It was not simple lust. The nauseating romantic feelings he had shown toward him made him feel sick all over again.

It was different from a wicked and greedy lust. The memory of the sensation of his tongue moving affectionately, begging for affection as if handling a beloved lover, made Song Yeongin barely hold back the rising nausea.

A dry, beautiful voice flowed from his pale lips.

“You laid a hand on me, so I will terminate our contract.”

“…I am sorry.”

“I told them I did not want to see you, yet you insisted on coming into my room.”

Song Yeongin was showering the man before him with contempt through his frost-like, cold eyes.

“Please leave. I hope we never have to face each other again.”

For the first time, a desperate sense of loss flickered in the eyes of that inscrutable, sly man.

“Karen Saltzman highly praised your paintings.”

“……”

“Are you saying you will give up when success as a world-renowned artist is right before your eyes…? Is that what you are saying right now?!”

The lifeless, pale, and gaunt face exuded a chillingly beautiful and sorrowful sneer.

James Han did not stop pleading.

“New York’s top critic and legendary artist, Karen Saltzman, said she wants to own your painting!”

“……”

“Do you know what that means?! Mr. Song Yeongin, you can become the best.”

The small, bloodless face and transcendent eyes stared coldly at James Han.

“The one who wants fame or success is not me, but you. I have no need for such things.”

James Han scoffed in futility.

“Ha…! Yes. What a sublime and noble saint we have here.”

“……”

“Then, think about Mr. Song Yeongin’s sister-in-law and nephew. What about the two of them, who will have to give up the affluent life they have enjoyed until now and be thrown out onto the streets right away if I do not look after them.”

Song Yeongin smiled faintly. It was because he knew he would say such a thing.

“I will return to Korea. I will go back and support them myself.”

“……”

“Now that Cha Woojin no longer looks for me… there is no need for me to be under your shadow. There is no reason to endure this kind of dirty and filthy act either.”

“Are you serious….”

Song Yeongin, who had been blinking his slow eyes, spoke calmly with a face as still as water.

“From the very beginning, you wanted my paintings.”

“……”

“If what you need are my paintings….”

“……”

“All the paintings I have drawn until now… I will give them all to you.”

Song Yeongin was, by nature, a person with strangely little greed. However, what lay before him now was an empty shell, a mere facade. With no will to live, there was nothing he hoped for or wanted. There was nothing to hesitate or waver about. That is why he had slit his wrist on the spot without a second thought.

The pitiful and wretched deer that had desperately pleaded to be hidden from James Han, wanting to live, was no longer there. For Song Yeongin, the one and only reason for living… which he had held onto under the pretext of escape, had disappeared. Therefore, he was saying he would give up everything, even the paintings into which he had poured all his blood, sweat, and soul.

James Han found that unbearably frightening. As he viscerally realized that he could no longer control and threaten Song Yeongin, James Han sensed the end and had to beg that kid.

Without hesitation, James Han desperately knelt before Song Yeongin’s hospital bed.

“I will even get on my knees. I am sorry…! I have committed an unforgivable sin against Mr. Song Yeongin. Please, just please give me one more chance.”

Song Yeongin looked down with a horrified gaze at the middle-aged man kneeling before him.

“I will promise. From now on, I will not lay a single finger on Mr. Song Yeongin’s body. I will call the legal team and revise the contract terms entirely, just as Mr. Song Yeongin wishes. So, please do not act like my daughter and slit your wrist in front of me… do not attempt suicide again.”

Song Yeongin knew that James Han, who was begging him for forgiveness, was not in his right mind. It seemed he was not the only one who was crazy.

“To me… why, why on earth are you going this far?”

“Mr. Song Yeongin, please…!”

“Do you really think of me as your child, Chloe?! If you did, then you should not have shown such filthy lust towards me at the very least…! You tried to rape me, did you not?!”

“Please just give me one chance. I am the only person who can make you the greatest artist not just in New York, but in the world. I want to be your strong patron.”

“…Stop…! Please leave…. This is distressing. I do not want to hear any more.”

Song Yeongin coldly turned his back on him. When his desperate pleading did not work, the kneeling James Han fiercely brushed off his knees, stood up, and suddenly changed his attitude again.

“You’re going back to Korea?!”

“……”

“Do you really think Cha Woojin has given up on Mr. Song Yeongin?”

“……”

“He must be pretending to.”

Song Yeongin replied with a vacant, detached face.

“I confirmed it with my own two eyes. Mr. Cha Woojin no longer wants me. Our relationship is now truly over.”

Song Yeongin was filled with the conviction that Cha Woojin had completely erased him.

He no longer wants me.

“As soon as Mr. Song Yeongin returns to Korea, he will start scheming to get his hands on you. It is clearly a maneuver by Cha Woojin. It is also suspicious that Representative Shin Hwa-cheol, who was doing so well, is suddenly on the verge of withdrawing from the presidential candidacy.”

“I do not care. You tried to rape me… and with that, our contract is over.”

James Han narrowed his slick eyes.

“Surely, you are not pulling this stunt to break the contract with me because you want to go back to the now single again Cha Woojin, are you?”

“Hah….”

Song Yeongin was so dumbfounded by his shameless audacity that he scoffed. He could not even muster a reply. He should no longer associate with this sly snake at all.

“Do you not want to find out for yourself?”

“……”

“Whether Cha Woojin has really given up on you… whether he no longer has any lingering feelings for you.”

James Han was an excellent businessman and an executive skilled in machinations and lobbying.

Through those artless eyes that reacted to every little thing, he determined that only Cha Woojin was the sole means to move the now empty shell that was Song Yeongin. He decided to change his strategy to one of provoking Song Yeongin.

“This Friday night. I plan to attend the biggest event in New York, where all the American and global CEOs gather in one place. Director Cha Woojin, the representative of Woosung, is scheduled to attend, and I want to attend that event with you.”

Song Yeongin thought this man must be genuinely insane.

“Are you crazy?! Stop talking nonsense!”

“It will be a three-way confrontation. We can meet Cha Woojin there in person and confirm it.”

Song Yeongin was at a loss for words.

“Ha…! Why should I go there with you?”

“Cha Woojin declared an official truce to me, saying he would give up on Mr. Song Yeongin.”

A noticeably large wave of agitation swept across Song Yeongin’s pale face, which had been pouring out contempt and disillusionment.

“However, I cannot believe his words unless I see it with my own two eyes. I do not know what other schemes Cha Woojin is plotting….”

“……”

“Mr. Song Yeongin, did you say that Cha Woojin no longer wants you?”

“……”

“I will confirm it with my own eyes. If what you say is true… then, I will truly understand and accept your return to Korea.”

I cannot figure out what that sly snake of a man is thinking.

“So… let us find out together.”

Song Yeongin coldly ignored James Han.

“I do not want to meet Mr. Cha Woojin. And terminating the contract with you, who tried to rape me… has nothing to do with that man! It is my own legitimate will!”

James Han abruptly turned resolute and declared in a firm tone.

“Mr. Song Yeongin has an obligation to cooperate with me.”

“……What kind of obligation?”

“I am talking about the obligation for the enormous security costs I have spent over the past year mobilizing the armed forces of the Mexican cartel to guard and relocate you, and the lobbying funds I had to pour into agencies to defend against Cha Woojin’s political, diplomatic, and business attacks.”

“……”

“An astronomical amount of money, incomparable to the price of your paintings, was spent to protect Mr. Song Yeongin. Just to hide one person, you, from Woosung’s heir, Cha Woojin, I made an enemy of Woosung and ended up in a situation where my life is threatened on Korean soil.”

His neat eyes held a chilling sneer.

“Are you threatening me now?”

“Yes, that is right. It is too late. I have taken on an enormous risk because of you.”

“……”

“Do you understand?! I am saying that now, even if Mr. Song Yeongin wants to go back, I cannot send you back!”

“……”

“Mr. Song Yeongin started this game first. I hope you never forget that you came to me yourself and boldly proposed a deal.”

“……”

“The one who needed me… was not me, but you.”

“……”

“Fine…. Then how about this. If, Mr. Song Yeongin, you leave me and go back to Cha Woojin, I intend to bring Cha Woojin down in any way I can.”

“……”

“Even if I cannot ruin Woosung, I can trip him up at every turn and interfere with the future path and prospects of the heir, Cha Woojin.”

James Han’s venomous eyes took on a merciless, cunning madness. At his threat, his thin body began to tremble like an aspen tree with fear.

James Han knew exactly what Song Yeongin feared the most. That was also the real reason Song Yeongin had run away from Cha Woojin.

“Listen to me carefully. Here in America, not on Korean soil…. I can disguise it as an armed terrorist organization and have that bastard terrorized and killed without anyone knowing.”

The pale, delicate face, which had held a detached light, fell into a long abyss. Song Yeongin was trapped in a mire. A sharp, long darkness pierced through Song Yeongin’s chest like a longsword.

If Cha Woojin was threatened and killed, everything would be for nothing. Leaving that man so coldly, his own wish for him to live a smooth and successful life… all of it would be meaningless.

He had been seeing hallucinations since long ago, when he was with Cha Woojin. He left that man so as not to commit suicide like his mother. However, Song Yeongin let out a hollow laugh at the thought that he was on the verge of suicide even now.

His only thought was that he must not become an obstacle in his life. He was a person who had to have everything he wanted… marrying a suitable partner as his father wished, having children, and becoming the heir of Woosung. He must not give up anything because of me.

Song Yeongin repeated the reason he left Cha Woojin like a mantra, as if reciting a memorized, obvious answer sheet. It was a ridiculous self-brainwashing.

In truth, it had been a long time since he could not remember why he was doing this.

Song Yeongin recalled Cha Woojin’s face, which had turned away coldly even after seeing the crumbling plea in his eyes not long ago.

‘Do you know me?!’

In Cha Woojin’s cooled eyes, which pretended not to know him, there was no longer any craving or desire for him. Empty eyes, an empty voice, a heartless turning away… he really thought it was all over.

Everything had gone as he wished. There was no place for him to return to now. No, the very thought of going back to him was insane.

Song Yeongin answered with detached eyes that had emptied their heart, like a person who had let go of everything.

“Cha Woojin no longer wants me.”

“……”

“Even if he were to want me… there is no way I would go back to Cha Woojin now.”

James Han approached like a thunderbolt and knelt again before Song Yeongin, who had become an empty shell once more.

“Mr. Song Yeongin, just give me one more chance…! If I desire Mr. Song Yeongin again, I will shoot myself in the head with a pistol. No, I will give you the gun. You shoot me.”

“……”

“I am begging you. Please do not take Chloe away from me.”

‘Crazy person, crazy bastard…….’

Song Yeongin let out a hollow laugh into the air, utterly dumbfounded. He was a crazy man. He was not in his right mind. The regret and remorse for his lost daughter had driven that man to this state.

Furthermore, Song Yeongin had an intuition. Even though James Han was on his knees, begging and pleading like this, he had absolutely no intention of letting him go. As long as he saw Chloe within him, the man would never let him go willingly.

He was right. Song Yeongin had come and proposed this foolish game on his own two feet. He had only been thinking of leaving Cha Woojin, even if it meant his own ruin.

When the man, who was proceeding with the engagement ceremony without hesitation, urged him to stay confined and watch, he could see no other way.

If I could turn back time, would I have remained by Cha Woojin’s side as his concubine? As his mistress?

No, even if I went back, I probably would have made the same choice, and the only way would have been to find this man, the only person with the power to stand against Cha Woojin.

Song Yeongin spoke with eyes of resignation.

“If I prove that Cha Woojin’s heart has left me, that he no longer wants me….”

“……”

“Then will you terminate the contract and send me back to Korea?”

“I promise.”

At Song Yeongin’s words, James Han nodded without hesitation.

‘Song Yeongin! You stop this foolish act right now!’

‘Yeongin-ah…. If I throw everything away. Then will you, will you quit this idiotic act?!’

Back then, should he have listened to Cha Woojin’s words telling him to stop this idiotic act? However, his thoughts were still the same, then and now.

‘If it can end with just me, then all I have to do is disappear.’

In any case, Song Yeongin no longer had a reason to live. Song Yeongin mocked himself. What use was a contract anyway? To that man, it was all just a hollow pretext.

Song Yeongin calmly uttered with a shattered, desireless face.

“Swear it. That you will never touch Mr. Cha Woojin.”

“……”

“If you touch that man… then, I will really slit my throat in front of you, not my wrist.”