World Chapter 2.4

I want to get closer. I want to touch him.

My body stirred with that impulse.

“Let’s not do this, us.”

Hyungjo said.

That’s not it, if you don’t like me, just say so! That’s not what I want to hear!

I wanted to press him like that. I stared at Hyungjo with aggrieved eyes, wondering why he would say such a thing. Hyungjo didn’t take back his words. Unable to bear it any longer, I opened my mouth again.

“If you don’t like me, just say so. I’m prepared to get hurt. You being so indecisive is more hurtful to me, Hyungjo.”

“……”

Are you going to clam up again? Is it that hard to say you don’t like me? Is that it? You can’t bring yourself to say such cruel words, so you want me to figure it out and accept it on my own?

I bit my lip and glared at him. Hyungjo didn’t glare back, nor did he look at me with dislike or affection; he just watched me quietly. Exhausted from all this emotional turmoil, I said.

“I don’t know what to do when you’re like this. I’ve never liked someone with romantic feelings before. Don’t make me so confused.”

“……It’s me who’s confused when you’re like this. We don’t suit each other.”

“Whether we suit each other or not doesn’t matter.”

“Don’t do this. Don’t make things hard for me.”

I couldn’t take it anymore and shot to my feet. I walked over to Hyungjo, grabbed him by the collar, and pulled him up. Though he could have easily pushed me away, Hyungjo let himself be pulled up by my hand.

I didn’t intend to take out my petty frustration on Hyungjo for rejecting me. I wanted him to say he didn’t like me, to clearly state his refusal. I couldn’t stand him shaking me up with ambiguous words.

“Are you playing with me? If you don’t like me, tell me clearly!”

“……”

“If you like me, say you like me; if you don’t, say you don’t! Answer me clearly!”

“……I like you. That’s why we can’t.”

“……”

The strength seeped out of the hand gripping his collar. The collar I had been holding tightly wrinkled into a swirl.

“You……, like me? That’s why we can’t? What does that mean? What does it mean you can’t because you like me?”

“……”

“Is it because I’m a guy?”

“……No, it’s not that.”

“Are you really messing with me?”

“It’s because we’re different! We’re different! Different!”

Hyungjo shouted. It was the first time I had ever heard or seen such a human side of him. A living expression, not a hardened one. He wasn’t smiling; he was shouting, glaring at me as if he could kill me, but I loved it like crazy.

I wrapped my arms around the neck of his furiously scowling face and kissed him. Hyungjo didn’t push me away, but he was bewildered. He was probably hesitating on that boundary line. I forced his lips open. The moment my tongue swept inside his mouth, Hyungjo let out a groan as if he were collapsing and pulled my waist in tightly. With our chests and lower abdomens pressed completely together, we showered each other with fiery kisses.

It felt as if reason and emotion were becoming paralyzed. An irresistible energy was sweeping over us.

We broke the kiss, panting raggedly. Hyungjo didn’t let go of my waist. His expression was distorted with pain and anguish. He seemed to be submerged in the same state of elation as I was.

“……What do you want me to do? I really like you.”

As I spoke in a whisper, Hyungjo, as if he couldn’t stand it any longer, pressed his lips to mine again before my words were even finished. His heart, pressed against mine, was beating as if it were dancing. I was about to wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him more fervently. Just then, Hyungjo pushed me. My body was sent staggering back.

“……”

As if shocked by his own actions, Hyungjo stumbled backward as if he had committed some great wrong, then pressed his forehead against the wall and leaned there.

I stood frozen in the exact position I had been pushed into. I was frustrated with Hyungjo, who kept hesitating, unable to do one thing or another.

Hyungjo barely managed to suppress his breathing and said.

“Get out.”

“No.”

“……”

“I like you. I feel like I’m going crazy. I like you, Kim Hyungjo!”

“Get out, quickly.”

Suppressing his feelings of affection, suppressing his feelings of desire, Hyungjo barely managed to reject me.

“I like you and you like me, so why is that a problem?”

“……”

“Hyungjo, look at me. I don’t know what you’re thinking, but please don’t think it.”

His averted gaze met mine. His eyes were a dizzying tangle.

“Hyungjo……”

When I called his name, Hyungjo approached as if a fuse had blown. He then grabbed my arm, pulled me in, and held me to his chest.

Right, don’t think. Don’t think about anything.

I couldn’t know his inner thoughts, but it was clear he was confused because of me. Ironically, I loved seeing him suffer and crumble because of me, to a breathtaking degree.

We shared a deep kiss, as if swept up in an uncontrollable flame. Hyungjo’s kiss, wrapping around me, was fluid, gentle, and passionate.

“I don’t know anymore either.”

Hyungjo said, as if telling me to take responsibility. It seemed Hyungjo could no longer bear the weight of that responsibility and duty. Not knowing what he meant, I just nodded and pressed my lips fervently against his.

From the shock and guilt of having driven his friend to a place of peril, Sungjoon grew gaunt and haggard. His bloodless face looked almost ghastly. Even Heo Seok had not returned home.

What happened to Taewan?

I couldn’t ask anyone. The world they lived in was different from mine. Was this what Hyungjo meant?

My reality and their reality are different. The boundary was close yet distant, like glimpsing the far-off underworld while looking at the moon in the sky; it was distinct, yet at the same time, blurry.

Sungjoon’s face was as pale as a corpse as he walked down the stairs. Oil paints were stuck thickly to his clothes.

“Hyung, are you okay? You look very pale.”

“Yeah……, I’m just tired. I’m okay.”

“You have to cheer up. What would Taewan-hyung say if he saw you?”

I don’t know why Taewan’s name came out instead of Heo Seok’s. Sungjoon smiled faintly, nodded, and muttered quietly.

“Yeah, I shouldn’t be like this……”

Seeing Sungjoon’s state, Hyungjo said nothing. I, for my part, felt sorry for Sungjoon. Taewan had gone to the front lines of the movement with his life on the line, and his friend was so tormented by that fact that he had stopped eating and drinking, yet I was happy.

In one house, someone was happy, someone was unhappy, and someone was sad. The concept of a community felt extremely selfish. Hyungjo must have known that too, which is why he ignored Sungjoon.

Sungjoon picked up a glass of water and went back to his room. Watching his retreating back, I asked, as if to myself.

“He must be painting, right?”

“……I don’t know.”

Hyungjo answered lukewarmly and lowered his gaze to his book.

Hyungjo and I were studying for exams. Knowing that my worrying wouldn’t solve the problem, I too turned my gaze to my book.

“For something I’m learning for the first time, everything feels strangely familiar.”

“What, are you bragging that you’ve memorized everything?”

When I chided Hyungjo for his words, he tilted his head ambiguously, saying that wasn’t what he meant.

As he said, Hyungjo was strangely erudite. In a word, there was nothing he didn’t know. He especially knew Korean and world history so well he could reel them off by year, so that if I asked him what happened in a certain year, the historical events of that year would come pouring out. I checked how accurate he was by opening a book and asking.

“Tell me what happened in 1941, month by month.”

When I asked this, Hyungjo would look into the air and speak, haltingly, as if he were reading something.

“March 11th, U.S. Lend-Lease Act enacted. April 13th, Soviet–Japanese Neutrality Pact signed. May 6th, Stalin appointed premier of the Soviet Union. June 22nd, German forces invade the Soviet Union. July 28th, Japanese forces advance into southern Indochina.”

The U.S. oil embargo against Japan, the announcement of the Atlantic Charter, the formation of the Tojo cabinet, the Soviet Union’s full-scale counteroffensive in Moscow, the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor, the outbreak of the Pacific War, Germany and Italy’s declarations of war on the U.S., and so on.

I was so dumbfounded I was speechless. Even if it was his major, this was too much. It wasn’t just for one specific year either. It seemed like he had the entire modern world history in his head.

“You have all of this memorized?”

“No……, they just come to mind. In my head.”

“That’s fascinating. How do you do it? Teach me, too.”

“……I told you, I don’t know.”

“No way.”

I clicked my tongue and shook my head. Hyungjo looked around. When I saw Hyungjo looking around as if he were seeing something invisible to me, I felt a shiver run down my spine. Why, is there something there? When I asked that, Hyungjo turned to me with a look that said, What are you talking about?

“Why? Is there something there again?”

“What do you mean, is there something there.”

Hyungjo said dismissively and cautiously came closer, placing his arm on the sofa I was leaning against. I naturally rested my head on Hyungjo’s shoulder.

Hyungjo’s hand caressed my face. It’s embarrassing and awkward, but at the same time, my heart flutters and it feels good.

Was it because I was so lonely from alienation and solitude after coming up from another province? I was falling for Hyungjo at a frightening pace. Hyungjo, too, was staring at me as if in a daze.

If you were going to be like this, why did you push me away and avoid me, saying all those hateful things? I wanted to ask why he had done that, but I didn’t want to bring back to the surface what he was trying so hard to ignore, so I stopped myself.

I carefully kissed him.

I liked him. I liked him to a strange degree. I liked him so much it felt like my head was spinning.

Hyungjo’s hand slipped under my shirt, onto my bare skin, and caressed my back.

A cool, cold hand. It felt as if my mind would go numb. He pulled his lips away and stared intently at my flushed cheeks. My reason languidly sank. As if sinking into the atmosphere, we continued our conversation in hushed tones.

“I liked you from the first time I saw you.”

Hyungjo made the blush-inducing confession and pressed his lips to mine again. Does Hyungjo know what his eyes look like when he says things like that? It feels like they could tear my heart apart.

How long had we been rubbing our lips together……?

It’s not enough. It’s far from enough. My heart aches for more.

I want more. I want to become something together.

As if feeling the same way, Hyungjo hugs me tightly. In our fervent affection for each other, we craved each other as if falling into an abyss.

Just then, the door flew open with a bang.

Startled, I pushed him away, but Hyungjo’s mind and reason had already evaporated and disappeared. I struggled to get Hyungjo off me as he closed in.

The person who opened the door was Taewan.

“Taewan-hyung!”

At my words, Hyungjo flinched and slowly turned his head. He wasn’t particularly surprised to see Taewan. He lunged at me again. It was a gesture as if to forget everything.

“Hyung, what happened?”

I pushed Hyungjo away and stood up. Taewan smiled and walked toward us.

“What’s the story with you? You two, huh?”

“Well, it just sort of happened. I don’t really know either.”

I mumbled, evading his question, and when I glanced back, Hyungjo was frowning.

“Anyway, hyung, what happened? Has everything been okay?”

A faint, pungent smell came from Taewan. It was like pepper, or maybe gunpowder.

Looking closely, I saw he was a mess. His clothes and face were covered in dust and full of scratches, as if he had been rolling in the dirt. He looked like he had just been in a violent fight.

“Are you okay? Did something happen outside?”

“Don’t even ask, the smell of tear gas is awful, isn’t it? My eyes and nose are killing me. Where are Seok and Sungjoon?”

Taewan, who had been coughing and rubbing his face with his forearm, turned his gaze to the stairs. Sungjoon was just as grimy. His face and hands were smudged with paint, making him look dirty.

“Hey! Lee Taewan!”

“Sungjoon, what’s with your appearance?”

“What happened?! You didn’t even contact us! You said you’d contact us first!”

“I was leading a protest and ran away. It was too acrid.”

Sungjoon’s face contorted with resentment, joy, and overwhelming emotion for him. Taewan looked at him with a soft smile.

“I was worried! I thought something had happened to you! You jerk!”

Sungjoon ran over and threw his arms around Taewan, who was covered in tear gas. As if he had no choice, Taewan patted the back of the trembling Sungjoon.

“I’m sorry. I thought you’d worry more if I contacted you, so I deliberately didn’t.”

“You jerk! You jerk!”

For some reason, the tip of my nose tingled at the sight of Sungjoon, relieved as he touched the unharmed Taewan. I thought to myself that Heo Seok, who held a subtle sense of rivalry toward Taewan, wouldn’t like seeing the two of them like this.

Taewan gently broke free from Sungjoon’s embrace, who was clinging to him pitifully, and ruffled his hair.

In an instant, they, who had looked like lovers who hadn’t seen each other for a long time, transformed back into friends.

Sungjoon’s trembling, tear-filled eyes were resentfully fixed on Taewan.

“How are things going?”

“Once we secure the democratization policy soon, our position will solidify, even if it’s only semi-legal. We just have to hold on a little longer.”

“Everyone’s been talking. Ever since you took over as chairman of the Sammin-tu, Seok has been.”

“Ignore that guy. He’s greedy. I shouldn’t say this to you, but he’s using ideology to incite people.”

“Taewan!”

“……It’s the truth. You wouldn’t know, since you’re just cooped up in a room painting every day. If I had known he was that kind of person, I wouldn’t have introduced him to you.”

Sungjoon glared at him. He didn’t seem to be hurt by the remark about him just painting in a room, oblivious to how the world works. It was a complex expression tinged with self-loathing for understanding Taewan, who could only speak of Heo Seok in such a way, even while understanding him.

As if to change the mood, Taewan said brightly.

“Anyway, what’s with this state you’re in? Your face, your clothes, even your fingernails are caked with paint. What on earth are you painting?”

“……I haven’t finished it yet. Want to see?”

“……”

Taewan looked at him without a word. Sungjoon grabbed his wrist and led him toward his room. They looked distant, like people ascending a stairway to heaven. Or perhaps, to hell.

“It’s the first time Sungjoon-hyung has offered to show his painting first.”

Hyungjo, who had read my gaze, spoke up as if surprised. I turned to Hyungjo and said.

“I’ve seen it.”

“Hyung showed you his painting first?”

“Yeah, Sungjoon-hyung seems to be a very talented person.”

I recalled the painting I had seen then. An intact Lee Taewan, and a distorted Heo Seok. As I stared blankly at the stairs Taewan and Sungjoon had climbed, Hyungjo came up to me and said.

“Watch carefully. Please.”

“Watch what?”

“……Various things.”

Hyungjo muttered, burying his head in my shoulder.

What am I supposed to watch carefully?

Hyungjo’s words were puzzling, but the sight of him leaning his head on me made my mind tingle again.

∞ ∞ ∞

A few days later, I collapsed while taking a major exam. Even as I collapsed, I couldn’t understand why I had to collapse. I was filling in the answer sheet diligently when the text on the page suddenly warped. My mind went blank, and a feeling of lethargy washed over me, as if my brain were floating around. My consciousness was fine, but my body apparently wasn’t.

I slipped from my chair and collapsed onto the classroom floor. Even after collapsing, my consciousness was intact. I could hear a commotion. There was no strength left in my body.

Slap, slap.

Someone was slapping my cheek, not hard enough to hurt. I opened my blurry eyes at the touch meant to bring me to my senses. I felt nauseous. My stomach was empty, my esophagus felt as dry as straw, and I regained consciousness with a twisting pain as my insides crumbled dryly.

It was the professor’s office. An elderly professor was looking down at me.

Ah, in my embarrassment, I tried to sit up in a hurry, but my body wouldn’t listen. I staggered and fell back onto the sofa.

“Are you feeling a bit better now?”

“……I’m sorry. I was dizzy.”

“You’re Jung Hyunwoo, aren’t you? Jung Chungnam’s son.”

“You know my father?”

“I’m your father’s classmate.”