World Chapter 4.6

When he asked, “How old are you?”, his tone was just like an adult asking a child, “You cute little thing, how old are you?”, which immediately put me in a bad mood. Seeing my pouting lips, he laughed heartily and asked sarcastically.

“How old might you be?”

“I am an adult.”

“Ah, I see. An adult so young your head hasn’t even dried of blood yet.”

At those words, Hanse, who was stuffing pizza into his mouth, burst out laughing with a puaht. The chewed-up substance he was eating flew out.

“You eat like a slob.”

It seemed that sneering was a common trait among friends.

Hanse stood up as soon as he finished his meal. Eun Joohyuk also stood up, saying he was busy.

“Then I’ll contact you next week, Hyunwoo.”

“Yes, goodbye. Thank you.”

“You too, take it easy. Let’s have a drink when you’re free.”

Eun Joohyuk said, patting Hanse on the shoulder.

I got into Hanse’s car. Hanse paused in the middle of starting the engine and asked.

“By the way, what are you going to ask Assemblyman Heo? Is it related to my father?”

“There are people whose fates I’m curious about.”

“Hmm, if it’s something like that, I could look into it for you.”

“No…, the only person who knows properly is Heo Seok.”

“Right, that’s that. But you do know how to drive, right?”

Fortunately, I had gotten my license when I went to the town center while I was in my hometown.

When Youngwoo went to get his license for driving the tractor, I stubbornly insisted and got mine at the same time.

As I nodded my head, he got out of the car and opened the passenger seat door where I was sitting. It meant I should get out. When I looked up with a “why” expression, he forcefully pulled me out. He placed the car key in my hand.

“Let’s sleep for just thirty minutes. I’ve been up for three days straight, so I don’t even know if my eyes are open or closed right now. Wake me up when it’s time for you to get off.”

Hanse sat in the passenger seat, threw the seat all the way back, and closed his eyes.

I hesitated, holding the car key. I had a license, but I had never had any driving practice.

Hanse, as if by magic, started to snore lightly as soon as he closed his eyes. I couldn’t wake up someone who had fallen asleep as if they had fainted from exhaustion.

With the thought that it would somehow work out, I sat in the driver’s seat. This would be a good chance to get some practice. I started the engine. The vroom sound and feeling of the engine turning on shot through my whole body. First, I gripped the steering wheel tightly, shifted the gear, and reversed.

“If you want to go, step on the accelerator; if you want to stop, step on the brake. What’s so special about driving?”

I muttered to myself, changed the gear to drive, and stepped on the accelerator.

Hanse’s cell phone rang loudly. Waking from his sleep, he tossed and turned, sat up, set the almost-reclined seat back to its original position, and answered the phone.

“Hello. Yeah, right. Where? No way… I said I’m busy. Ah, alright. Hang up.”

He hung up the phone irritably, shoved his cell phone into his pocket, and pressed his eyes firmly. He asked, his face still drowsy with sleep.

“Where are we? What time is it, anyway?”

I was only looking ahead. Hanse looked around and asked again.

“I asked where we are.”

“…I don’t know.”

“What are you talking about.”

Hanse opened the window. Just then, he saw a sign passing by on the roadside and, startled, shouted.

“You got on the highway?!”

“I couldn’t change lanes, so what was I supposed to do!”

“So you just kept going straight?! Then you should have woken me up!”

“I did wake you up! But you didn’t get up!”

“Then you should have stopped!”

“I couldn’t stop! Am I the only one driving? Cars are driving next to me, behind me, and in front of me, so how am I supposed to stop the car? How do you stop here!”

I shouted as if I had a disease that prevented me from stepping on the brake.

We yelled at each other back and forth. He checked the lanes, forced the steering wheel, and managed to pull the car over to a rest area.

I let out a deep sigh and finally let go of the steering wheel. I had been driving like this continuously for two hours. I was a novice driver who could do nothing but drive forward.

My back was stiff. The tensed muscles all screamed in pain at once.

Hanse had a dumbfounded expression. Ignoring his gaze, I let out a sigh of relief, thinking I was finally safe, and even wiped the sweat from my forehead.

“Whew, we finally stopped.”

“Thanks to you, I got a nice long sleep.”

Stars were now visible in the sky, which had grown dark before I knew it.

Hanse didn’t say anything more and sat back, leaning against the seat, looking up at the sky beyond the car window. I, too, relaxed my tense body and looked up at the sky outside the window.

Hanse took out a cigarette and put it in his mouth. The hazy cigarette smoke scattered in the rustling wind. Unusually fast cars whizzed past us, creating a harsh wind and noise.

We both looked up at the sky, having completely erased from our minds the fact that we had been screaming and fighting just a moment ago.

In the black night sky, my mood, my heart, calmed down.

Hanse asked quietly.

“Were you really in love with my father?”

“…Yeah.”

“How? How did you two meet?”

“I was looking for a room to rent…, and Hyungjo was there.”

“Why was my father in a rented room?”

“…Back then, Hyungjo was also twenty years old.”

One of the countless stars embedded in the sky twinkled. I named that star the Hyungjo star. I reached my hand towards the sky.

He looks at me with a puzzled expression.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Are you saying you don’t age?”

“……”

“My twenty-year-old father and twenty-year-old you met and fell in love. You are still twenty, and my father has passed away…. I really don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Hyungjo, I love you.”

I whispered to the empty air. My hand was still stretched out towards the Hyungjo star outside the car window.

Along with Hanse’s frustrated sigh, cigarette smoke wafted over.

“Are you really crazy or what…”

“I’m not crazy.”

“……”

Hanse stared at me intently, then threw his cigarette out the car window. He got out of the car and opened the driver’s side door. He just looked down without a word. It meant we should switch places.

He’s just like his father in his brevity of words. With that thought, I moved to the passenger seat.

He gripped the steering wheel and said.

“It’s late. Today was a bust, I should just go to sleep. Do you need a ride?”

“…Just go to your place.”

“What do you mean?”

“Can you let me sleep over?”

“……”

The way back, taking the highway again, was as far as the distance we had driven forward.

We arrived at Hanse’s place after driving for over two hours.

His place was messy today as well. Books were piled up messily on one side, and papers were scattered untidily on the sofa and table, as if he brought his work home.

Hanse, saying it was too much trouble to cook dinner, ordered delivery, changed his clothes, and then sat on the sofa, organizing the papers. He said he was just organizing, but before long, he was engrossed in his work.

I sat on the bed, eating the food he had ordered for me and watching TV, then fell asleep.

A heavy weight pressed down on my body. My whole body was tightly constricted as if restrained. I managed to open my eyes.

The room was pitch-dark. The things pressing down on my body were Hanse’s arm and leg. The sound of his even breathing reached my ear. I carefully removed his arm and leg. I held my breath in the darkness and looked at Hanse’s face.

He looked so much like Hyungjo.

A face so identical to Hyungjo’s that I didn’t want to admit it.

Thick eyebrows, a straight nose, and lips.

I raised my hand and slowly traced his forehead, the bridge of his nose, down his philtrum, to his lips and chin.

I had never touched the physical form of Hyungjo. I only believed I had touched him, but the sensation was different from that illusion.

I had never been held in those arms either. The thought brought a wave of regret. Even though I was now looking at his son, I couldn’t believe it. I still wanted to believe it was a dream.

I missed Hyungjo so much it felt like a real illness. It was a longing I wanted to overcome, even if it meant dying.

He doesn’t even come to meet me in my dreams. As my longing grows, it turns into resentment.

Had I touched him even once, it would not have been this deeply ingrained.

I lowered my head and pressed my lips against Hanse’s. Craving Hyungjo’s lips, which I had never touched in their true form, not even once.

Knowing full well that I shouldn’t be doing this, there was simply no way to quench that thirst.

My actions were humiliating. The reality of not being able to meet Hyungjo became clearer the more I fumbled and touched Hanse. Tears streamed down and fell onto Hanse’s cheek.

At the same time, Hanse opened his eyes. I pulled my lips away and met his eyes in the silent darkness.

“…What are you doing. Are you crazy?”

“……”

Hanse looked at me with piercing eyes. It was as if a gleam was shooting out from his eyes. My throat, my heart, my entire body shriveled.

“Can’t you tell the difference between me and my father?”

“I’m sorry…, I think, I think I’ve gone mad. I suddenly…, I think I lost my mind.”

I apologized to him and slowly turned my body away, curling up. I made my body small.

Hanse’s hand gripped my shoulder tightly. A brutal force was in his hand. A sharp pain shot through me, but I couldn’t push him away. I curled up even more.

“I am not my father, Jung Hyunwoo. Don’t treat me as a substitute. There’s a limit to how much I can tolerate.”

Hanse shot up from the bed. He moved to the sofa and flopped down.

Silence filled the room.

It seemed neither he nor I would be able to sleep.

The next morning, Hanse drove me to school without a word and left. When I woke up in the morning, I couldn’t say a single word to him. It was brave of me not to have secretly gotten up and run away.

It seemed that he, who was actively helping me even though I only spoke crazy things, might understand. My secret wish was for him to understand.

Hanse, if it’s him, if it’s his son, wouldn’t he understand this feeling of mine? My love that I have never seen or met, that hollow longing, this empty and desolate heart, wouldn’t he understand?

I was even having the terrible thought that, if only for a brief moment, he, who looked so much like Hyungjo, could take on Hyungjo’s role. Facing my own blatant consciousness was enough to make me feel nauseous.

∞ ∞ ∞

A vacancy opened up in the dormitory. I moved out of my aunt’s house and went straight into the dorm. It was a two-person room, but since both had moved out, I was alone for the time being. I leisurely organized my belongings.

I placed Hyungjo’s notebook under my pillow. I felt that if I didn’t sleep on it at night, Hyungjo wouldn’t come to me.

I was all the more thirsty for Hyungjo because of the fact that I had never seen, touched, or spoken to him.

Hyungjo was dead. Because I had never seen him. My longing for the dead man was tinged with a terribly vivid color.

I bought a Maria Callas record and listened to it diligently. Thinking of Hyungjo…

I also bought Hyungjo’s books. Hyungjo had published three history books. I read those boring and uninteresting books to the point of memorizing them. Hyungjo’s scent was in the words he wrote.

The things he left behind after he died, I relentlessly pursued all of that legacy. In that way, I chased Hyungjo’s shadow and remembered him.

A while later, I met reporter Eun Joohyuk again in front of the National Assembly building. He gave me an ID card for an intern reporter. It was the day the provisional session of the National Assembly was opening, so many reporters were out.

The National Assembly press room was bustling with people. I sat inside the K Daily booth. Reporters from other newspapers and magazines who came to greet Eun Joohyuk sent me blatant glances of interest. Eun Joohyuk glossed it over by saying I was a university student intern.

There were over sixteen hundred reporters registered to cover the National Assembly. It was the largest single press corps in the country.

In this situation, it was highly unlikely that I would be able to approach Heo Seok.

Suddenly, people swarmed towards the entrance. Eun Joohyuk asked someone what was going on. It was news that Heo Seok was holding a press conference in the briefing room.

Heo Seok was the type to extremely refrain from media interviews. Some reporters said he was prudent, others said he was timid. Heo Seok rarely held press conferences himself, and because of that, he was able to maintain a certain charisma.

He had never been involved in a scandal and was a star of the National Assembly. Perhaps because of his handsome appearance and brilliant resume, he had many admirers.

The briefing room was packed with people. Someone cursed under their breath, jostling in the narrow space, saying that it wasn’t usually this crowded during briefings and that it was thanks to Assemblyman Heo.

I squeezed through the crowd and stood at the front. Other reporters had already taken their seats, so Eun Joohyuk and I stood and found a spot. Television broadcast cameras were filming the briefing room. It was exactly like what I had seen on TV.

“Assemblyman Heo is coming out.”

At someone’s words, camera flashes went off like crazy.

I craned my neck, watching Heo Seok walk in, dressed in a dark gray suit.

Heo Seok! He was the Heo Seok I remembered.

Without looking around at the reporters, he took the microphone and began to read the report he had brought with him. It was a briefing on the results of a high-level policy meeting. Eun Joohyuk, unable to take out his laptop in the cramped space, started recording with his cell phone.

The briefing was concise. After finishing the briefing, he looked at the reporters and said.

“Any questions?”

Hands shot up from all over. “Assemblyman-nim, Assemblyman-nim,” they called out to him. I also raised my hand.

“Assemblyman Heo-nim!”

I called out desperately, but he pointed to someone else.

“It seems like it’s been a while since you’ve been at a press conference. I hope to see you more often. Now for my question. I understand that you are currently in conflict with the Freedom Party over the enactment of the Act on the Prohibition of Discrimination against Persons with Disabilities. Have you held a conference with the representatives of the organizations?”

“If it’s a law worth enacting, the Freedom Party will persuade them on their own without me having to block it. I, too, am hearing for the first time that I am against the Act on the Prohibition of Discrimination against Persons with Disabilities. It seems there is another person named Heo Seok besides me.”

Low laughter was heard.

Reporters raised their hands to ask him questions. I also quickly raised my hand. This time too, he didn’t see me and gestured to someone else.

In response to a request for his opinion on the measures for the sale of a large corporation, Heo Seok scathingly expressed his opinion. He hadn’t changed at all from his younger days. An idealist. That’s how Taewan had described him. That he was bewitching people with that idealism.

Taewan was the type to see through the practical political situation and deal with it realistically. As a result, while people agreed with Taewan’s realistic side, they also grew tired of it at the same time. Because reality was bleak. In contrast, Heo Seok was an eloquent speaker of ideology and ideals. According to Taewan, he manipulated ignorant people with those ideals.

As soon as he finished his answer, I shot up my hand.

“Excuse me! Assemblyman-nim! Assemblyman Heo-nim!”

Besides me, everyone else was also calling him desperately. I was practically screaming his name. So much so that other reporters were looking at me. And Heo Seok also turned his gaze to me. I flinched as his gaze fell on me. He gestured to me. It meant I should ask my question.

“……”

“Please ask your question.”

“……”

Suddenly, I couldn’t think of anything to say. Eun Joohyuk poked me in the side. Heo Seok looked at me, then asked the audience formally, “Are there no more questions?” and turned to leave the podium.

“Assemblyman Heo-nim!”

I called him again. Heo Seok stopped in his tracks and looked at me. His eyes said to hurry up and speak.

I took a step forward. It was close enough for him to recognize me, but Heo Seok didn’t seem to.

He didn’t recognize me, who had been with them in their 80s. People started to murmur. Heo Seok didn’t wait and turned to leave.

It was then. That my mouth finally opened.

“Do you know Mr. Lee Taewan?”

“……”

“By any chance, do you know Mr. Lee Taewan, no, Mr. Ji Sungjoon?”

“……”

As the reporters murmured at the sight of Heo Seok looking at me silently, he left the podium without answering. Following him, another assemblyman went up to the podium and started a briefing.

Surrounded by people, I stared blankly at Heo Seok leaving the briefing room.

Disappointed, I lowered my head, and then, Heo Seok looked back at me. In that fleeting moment, our gazes met in mid-air.

He knows! He remembers!

My heart pounded violently, as if it were a pump.