Cold City Romance Chapter 13.1

In the deep blue darkness, eyes opened. The Cha Dokyung who had opened his eyes could not know what time it was now or how much time had passed. He could not know at all how he had been moved to this place or why he had been left here alone.

A large piece of clothing that was perfectly fine had been put on him, and a faint scent of that person emanated from the clothes. Borrowing the familiar scenery of the Han River, he could precisely know that the place where he had opened his eyes was his own home bed.

As soon as Cha Dokyung raised his body, he clutched his throbbing heart. His chest hurt so much that he could not endure it. It felt as if blood had pooled there and hardened into something rigid.

He had dreamed of that person crying.

The face of the man shedding tears desperately was as vivid as reality. The sensation of the tears falling on his cheek was chillingly clear. The restrained face distorted by tears was so heartbreaking and sad that it felt as if the fragile heart inside his chest was being torn to shreds.

That was clearly a dream in which he himself was dying. Yet, the fact of dying did not frighten him at all. Until the very last moment of drawing his final breath, it was just that person’s crying face that was so sad.

I am okay. I endure pain well, it does not hurt at all. So.

‘Jaehwi, do not cry. Seeing you cry makes my heart feel like it is tearing apart.’

The dream in which he drew his last breath seemed to foreshadow a perfect farewell with that person. No one had explained or told him, but intuitively, he felt that it was truly a complete end with that person.

To him, who had lived as a lead actor, the heavy aftertaste and emptiness felt at the moment of closing the final chapter of a work were extremely familiar sensations. When he, the protagonist, closed that final chapter, the story came to an end.

In the bed left alone, Cha Dokyung lay back down again, clutching his heart and closing his weary eyes.

He just needed to endure a little longer.

I endure pain well. So, no one needs to know about things like this.

He knew well that if he opened his eyes and stood in front of the camera to act as another person again, he could smile as if nothing had happened. After all, there had never been even a single time when he had lived as the real him.

The omega Cha Dokyung had deceived people and lived as an alpha for nearly ten years, and from his early twenties, he had always lived by acting as characters other than himself. He knew no other way of life besides that.

He had debuted luckily without knowing at all what the entertainment industry was like. In that year when he was twenty-three, ignorant and pure, there were many people who said they would make him a star and wanted to sleep with him. They did not distinguish between alphas, omegas, or betas.

The agency representative did not protect him. Rather, in order to raise his value, he encouraged competition as if receiving bids. Then, saying that in order not to let rumors spread, he needed to manage himself thoroughly, from one day on, he said he had to check if I had slept with other guys.

When the disturbance came, he absolutely did not admit it obediently. He was only frantic to hide that fact. He even lied to himself. So, he did not know what he wanted. Since it got better when he had sex, he simply did that. It was the fastest and easiest method. He absolutely could not cause scandals or problems, so living as a fake and concealing the truth became much more natural than living as the real him.

Having lived as a fake for a long time, whenever he faced the real him, it instead became unbearably repulsive and uncomfortable.

Representative Yeom had confined the delinquent me in Messiah and told him to learn how to resolve things on his own. However, if he violated the contract, he would have to pay the penalty and compensation, and each time, he added clauses one by one and made him sign.

His father and mother, who were doctors, were always extremely busy. His father was rumored externally to be kind and of good character, but he extremely disliked and valued the surrounding reputation, so he always emphasized to his child not to cause problems, not to do anything that stands out, and to live as a model student.

His parents, who valued others’ gazes and face more than any other worth, were kind and generous to others but strangely strict only to their child. His parents, who had walked only the straight path, receiving respect from students and patients in a smooth manner, above all, could not endure social disgrace or shame.

The family attached to the position of doctor and the hospital were all busy with their respective affairs, and from childhood, our family was excessively stingy in expressing emotions to each other. Excluding me, the family members of the doctor’s household, who had lived as model students and the highest elites, had long been displeased with the fact that their son was an entertainer until he became a top star.

The family members, who pursued a stable and cultured life, worried less about the situation their son faced and more about the fact that if it was revealed that he was an omega, the fact that he had deceived the public would come out, and the entire family would face social disgrace or condemnation.

Because they were such people, he was even more anxious about whether the fact that he was an omega would be revealed, whether he would be embroiled in scandals, or whether he would cause harm to the family, always conscious of people’s gazes and constantly uneasy. Fearing that he might transmit that obsession and anxiety, from some point on, keeping his mouth shut in front of the family became a habit.

From childhood, that damn face, face, face.

The face of his mother, a medical school professor, and the face of his father, the hospital director. The face of his older sister, who never missed first place in the entire school as an honor student. In trying to save their faces, he realized that his own existence had disappeared. It felt as if he breathed and existed for the prestige and face of his mother and father.

However, his mother and father acted out the happiest and most harmonious family externally more than anyone. Especially in front of the current chairman. He had to willingly participate in that acting. Those things were the suffocating manners, duties, and virtues as a human that he had learned and grown up with.

If he expressed his life in one word, it was close to ‘fake’. From a childhood so young that he could not remember, Cha Dokyung had been a hypocritical child who closed his heart and deliberately did not reveal his emotions.

The reason might have been the misunderstandings or misconceptions of people due to his appearance, the delusional expectations of people who did not match, or others’ lecherous gazes or intentional contacts, or it might have been due to the educational philosophy or values of his respected doctor professor parents who extremely valued face.

From the time when manifestation and debut overlapped, he began to live a fake life deceiving the world in earnest. Ironically, the profession of actor was also a job of acting a fake who lives someone else’s life.

Choosing to be an actor was by no means a coincidence.

From childhood, he had talent in acting other people, not the real himself, with a fake heart and fake face in front of others.

He had never revealed his pain or sadness even once in front of anyone. In living, he did not like anything too much or rejoice, nor did he even feel sad. Revealing emotions was uncomfortable. The emotions themselves were repulsive and unpleasant. No matter how tormented and sad he was, he had to endure it alone without revealing it to others.

Then, standing in front of the camera again, he would act the fake with a face as if nothing had happened, like a lie, and smile elegantly. After finishing one work like that, time would have flown by before he knew it. That was the familiar way of handling the pain that Cha Dokyung had known over the past ten years.

The only times when he could freely express his emotions were when acting or having sex.

And with only one person, in front of Hyun Jaehwi, he felt the emotions that had been strangely suppressed and restrained boiling over uncontrollably and becoming agitated.

I am angry.

I miss you.

I hate you, I hate you so much.

I am sad.

I am jealous.

My heart is fluttering.

I want to have you.

I want to have sex.

Because I like you, because I like you so much that I cannot endure it.

I want to kiss you.

So, kiss me.

It felt as if he had returned to his puberty days as a child. In front of that person, uncomfortable emotions that he absolutely did not want to face came trailing one after another. The excessive and repulsive emotions burst out like a dam breaking without his knowledge. He could not hide even one of those emotions. Facing the real Cha Dokyung, not the fake, at every moment was the most uncomfortable and unpleasant experience.

He knew well himself why he liked that person’s smiling face. It was because he could never smile as pretty and brightly as that person. The fake human who could only make contrived smiles was inevitably drawn instinctively to the boy’s smile that was the most pure and refreshing.

In front of that person, he could not endure it. He absolutely could not hold back. However, for Cha Dokyung, the fact that he had to be honest with his own emotions was the scariest and most hated among them.

You remind me every time what the real thing is.

Perhaps rejecting that person was an act of denying all the fake glass castle that he had solidly built up over more than thirty years and smashing it.

If he admitted it, there would really be nothing left for him. There would be nothing but the real feeling of liking you……. But what on earth could that become?

For the hypocritical top star Cha Dokyung, who at thirty-two, no, soon to be thirty-three, had to fake a smile for acting and disguise as an alpha, all those things were completely unnecessary.

The gazes of countless people who easily criticize like spectators and pass by with indifferent faces, that fake glass castle he had built resembled this cold and harsh city.

But now it was all over. Everything would return to its place. Whether it was the damn disturbance or whatever, pheromones or nonsense, even without that person, he had somehow endured until now and lived suppressing it…… yes, somehow it would work out in life.

Rather, Cha Dokyung felt more uncomfortable with the fact that he had to entrust himself to Hyun Jaehwi under the pretext of the disturbance like a terminal illness. He had never had the desire to lean on or depend on others from the beginning. That was exactly the human called Cha Dokyung.

So, rather, it was good that it turned out this way. The time that person had entered his life was less than a year.

Trapped in an invisible fake glass castle, he had lived as a closed-off and thoroughly personal human, hiding the real him and living hypocritically and cowardly. For such a self to suddenly be swayed by such an unexpected guy in such a short time and smash that castle would be the stranger thing.

However, even if he tried to consider it no big deal, even if he quietly closed his eyes to fall asleep in the darkness. The image of that person desperately restraining himself and shedding tears rose clearly in the pitch-black darkness.

Even though it was a dream, he had seen for the first time in his life a man crying so heartbreakingly sadly. That person knew how to smile so prettily, but apparently, he also knew how to cry so heartbreakingly and sadly.

In the darkness, he clutched his genitals.

It was not in his right mind, damn it. He wanted to stroke that person’s face while moving his body inside himself. He knew no other way. The fact that he could only express the sensation of being alive, the real alive emotions of himself, in such a way, was truly lamentable.