The Bad Life – Chapter 15.1 – The Solidarity of Hatred

Author: nicotine

I crawled out of the swimming pool with my wet body and picked up the shoes and bag that I had thrown down in the garden. I tied the shoelaces of the shoes together and slung them over my shoulder, and with the duffel bag roughly slung over me, I left the house barefoot with splashing steps. I had no idea where this place was. That was natural, of course. I had gotten blackout drunk and been carried here all the way home. I stood blankly in front of the house and looked up at the sky. It was an afternoon where the early autumn sun was beating down mercilessly. The sky was so clear and blue that it hurt my eyes.

<Ah… it’s hot.>

My wet face began to dry quickly. After staring at the sky for a moment, I started walking barefoot along the road. Water dripped from my entire body, and footprints were left on the hot ground that had been exposed to the sunlight. Although I was moving my feet aimlessly, I had nowhere else to go anymore. I could not think of anything about what I should do or how I should proceed from here. I just wanted to get blackout drunk on alcohol like this and fall asleep mindlessly.

I walked down the hill along the road with thudding steps, then suddenly stopped my feet. Why should I not do that? Even if I drank until my nose was crooked starting from broad daylight, there was no one to point fingers at me. I had no one.

I caught a bus along that road and left the neighborhood. It did not take long to escape from the small village on the outskirts of Portsmouth where Cristine’s house was. I came out to the city center and flowed into New Contan starting from broad daylight. New Contan under the bright sunlight was silent. Since this neighborhood was a red-light district and a den of prostitution, it was natural for it to be quiet without any shops open during the daytime. I did not know why I had come here. But in Portsmouth, the only place I knew was this street. I walked along the empty street and turned into the back alley.

In New Contan, there was only one house of someone I knew. I passed by the quiet alley where thick blackout curtains were drawn over every house window and stopped in front of a shabby door. I had no intention of pressing the doorbell from the beginning. I tilted my head back and looked at the window, but because of the intense sunlight, I could not make out anything beyond the glass window.

I went around to the back of the building, jumped up, and pulled down the fire escape stairs. The iron stairs were rusted and made an unpleasant metallic screech. With the bag slung over me, I lightly climbed up the stairs. I pulled the stairs back up, then strode up to the third floor and pushed up the glass window with a swipe. The window, which was not latched, opened far too easily.

<Wh, who is it!>

Ignoring the screeching voice from inside, I thrust my body through the window.

<Hello, Teddy.>

Teddy yelled with a face that had turned pale.

I sat on the windowsill and replied nonchalantly. Teddy exploded in frustration.

Teddy, whose face was turning red and blue, threw a piece of pizza he was eating. I snatched the piece of pizza with one hand and annoyingly took a bite.

<Hey, do you not have any beer?>

New Contan was a place I had frequented often since before to track Christopher’s whereabouts. The attempted rape incident with Teddy had happened because I came and went there every day like that. Because of that incident, I had found out where Teddy lived to threaten him. Back then, it was to blackmail him, but now… well, what did it matter.

Teddy was what people commonly called a damn bastard. Not only did he work as a manager at a strip club where prostitution openly took place, but it seemed like he also extorted tips from the kids working at the club, and from the beginning, he was a rotten bad guy who accepted a commission to rape someone. Yet, in a sprawling neighborhood like Portsmouth, I did not have anyone I knew as well as Teddy. To be precise, there was no one else I could go to besides Teddy.

It was always like that. Whenever, the people I knew the best were always those entangled in grudges with me. People I still had revenge left against, or people I had already taken revenge on…. Ridiculously, Teddy was the best among them. The best among dogs, that is. A trash that was somewhat salvageable among the bastards. And on such a fine weather afternoon, the only person I could go to was a vermin-like bastard who lived by cheating kids in a den of prostitution.

On top of that, even that vermin-like bastard rejected me, and that was my life. It was truly a wonderful life.

Teddy brought out canned beers from the refrigerator and gave me a full armful. When I set them down on the sofa just like that, Teddy openly frowned. Without caring, I rummaged through my pockets and looked up at Teddy.

He, who had been trying to placate me to send me away, finally flew into a rage and pointed at me accusingly. Ignoring whether the guy got angry or not, I settled down on the sofa and opened a beer.

I threw a can of beer to Teddy, who was stomping his feet in anger.

Teddy caught the beer by reflex, then got angry and threw the can back. I quietly caught the can and kept it, and did not offer him any more alcohol. Instead, while drinking the beer, I rummaged through the table in front of the sofa. Even after searching under the newspaper and the pizza box, no cigarettes were visible. There was an ashtray, so there must be cigarettes somewhere.

As I started wandering around rummaging like it was my own house while drinking, Teddy got angry again and jumped up and down. He followed closely behind me, yelling that there were no cigarettes there, please get out of my house, and so on. Without pretending to listen, I opened the kitchen cabinets one by one. In the end, Teddy gave up and went back to the living room.

A moment later, he let out a screech.

<Hey, the sofa is wet! What is this, fuck! I told you the sofa cannot get wet!>

<Uh….>

I only peeked my head out from the kitchen.

I tilted my head back, gulped down the beer until the last drop, and crumpled the empty can before throwing it at Teddy.

Teddy, who had been accurately hit in the middle of his forehead with the can, shouted with an indignant face.

<…….>

Soon, I found cigarettes next to the gas stove. I lit the cigarette using the gas flame and returned to the sofa puffing away. Teddy seemed half-resigned. I stood in front of him, smoking the cigarette, and asked.

<No.>

After that, Teddy spent about 30 minutes getting angry, yelling, and even begging, but in the end, he failed to chase me out. He pouted his lips and sat at the edge of the sofa with only his butt barely perched, with a sullen face. He still seemed scared of me, as he did not dare to put his hand on me casually or sit next to me. He was a ridiculous guy.

He frantically changed the television channels and tried his best to ignore me. He pretended to focus on the television without giving me even a single glance, but I could clearly tell that all of the guy’s nerves were focused on me. I stared piercingly at him while sipping the whiskey. Thanks to the alcohol and the ridiculous sight of Teddy, who was at a loss because he was angry, my mood had improved a bit.

That thug-like guy was, on the surface, just an ordinary young man who looked fine. He did not look like a villain who arranged prostitution and extorted tips. Was he one or two years older than me? Anyway, befitting a man in his thirties, he had no frivolous or sloppy parts in his tastes. Even though he was wearing a stretched-out Portsmouth FC jersey right now, the inside of the apartment was impeccably neat.

A clean rug was laid on the floor, and frames hanging on the walls had somewhat refined taste in paintings. Whether he had a personality that liked things clean, there was not a speck of dust in the display cabinet, and the curtains or sofa seemed to smell good. It was a taste that was appropriate and dignified without any shortcomings. In truth, the person who did not fit this house the most was me. Even more than that irredeemable trash-like man, it was me.

My mood was strange. While refilling the empty glass with only ice left with whiskey, I spilled a little (I seemed a bit drunk). Anyone who saw it would think Teddy looked much more decent than me. I had never owned a house, and I had never worked at a proper job. I had lived my whole life going from one lover’s house to another and wandering the streets. On the other hand, what about Teddy. He lived a life where he prepared ice for whiskey in the refrigerator and wiped the dust accumulating on top of the television.

Anyone who saw it would think Teddy’s life was much more plausible. He had something that I did not have, something I could never have. Everyday life.

Teddy, who had been changing channels to some unremarkable afternoon sports news, turned to look at me. He let out a hollow laugh as if it was absurd.

<No, I mean….>

The alcohol had risen, and my throat was dry. I turned my body to sit facing Teddy.

My head was dizzy.

Teddy asked back indifferently.

I draped my arm over the back of the sofa and leaned my body. My body felt heavier and heavier.

Both of us shut our mouths. On the television, the sports announcer was reviewing the Premier League which had entered its fifth week of the season.

Teddy mumbled with a expression that was half annoyed and half perplexed. I stared at him blankly and asked again.

<Ah, fuck, you are really annoying as hell.>

Teddy asked back irritably.

<…….>

I stared fixedly at him and then just drank the alcohol. I turned my gaze to the television. Teddy silently started changing channels again. Suddenly, on a stopped channel, there was a preview broadcast for the talk show that would be on tonight. It was an amazing timing. Julia was appearing in the preview. She had elegantly pinned up her brown hair and was wearing a apricot-colored mini dress that revealed her white neck and shoulders. Her appearance, laughing while making jokes about the movie, burying her face in her hands and shaking her shoulders, flowed for a few seconds. After the preview broadcast ended, a Hugh phone advertisement came on. I stared blankly at the television screen and muttered.

I was bored. It was tedious and irritating. I had never thought like this even once, but today, as I poured alcohol down, I felt like I wanted to just die like that. Every time I took a sip of alcohol, the scenery entering my vision seemed to move a little farther away. Even the television seemed to have stepped back one stride. Julia’s laughter, which had disappeared a long time ago, kept lingering in my ears. Julia’s laughter was beautiful. My mood was strange. Even though I had aged, she and I looked very similar in our faces. I wondered if our laughter sounded similar to the extent that our faces resembled each other. But I could not even remember when it was that I had laughed out loud, when it was that I had burst into laughter out of joy.

What if Julia had not taken me with her from the beginning? What if she had continued to pretend not to know me even after Dad died? As I got older, such thoughts came to me often. If that had been the case, my life would have been completely different in every way from now. I would have just regarded Julia, who resembled me in a bizarre way, as something amazing to look at. And without the chance to meet any of the boys from the top floor, I would have lived as just an ordinary orphan living as much as others live. Julia’s bright and joyful laughter still echoed in my ears. Everything was tedious. Every time I encountered her face on the television or on advertising billboards on the streets, my life, which inevitably led me to such pathetic thoughts, was suffocating and irritating.

I knew I should stop drinking alcohol now, but I poured alcohol into the emptied glass until it overflowed. I had snapped at Teddy asking why he lived like that, but in fact, the person who should receive that question was me. Why do I live like this? I am already over thirty. What have I been doing all this time? The only traces of the life I have lived so far were the scars on my body. I did not have a swimming pool like Cristine, I did not buy a sofa like Teddy’s that would make him irritated and regretful if it got wet, and I did not even have a cabinet to place a bottle of alcohol.

Every time the alcohol went down, my throat burned intensely. Because I was thirsty, I kept drinking alcohol. I put a cigarette in my mouth and looked for a lighter, but then I remembered that I had lit it using the gas stove earlier. I staggered to my feet and barely lit the cigarette in the kitchen. I leaned my back against the wall and sat down, blinking blankly.

After losing James and leaving Leverham, I had wandered here and there for 8 years living like a vagrant. I had lived like a vagrant solely to make them pay the price. Whether they did that to others, to plunge their lives into unbearable pain as well… to make them repent with their lives in front of the lives they killed. But because of that, nothing was left for me. Tears welled up suddenly. I chewed on my lips to not cry, but because I was drunk, there was no pain. It felt like chewing on squishy jelly. Rather, I was no different from living for Jerome and Simon. My life was a commemoration for them and merely a trace of glory. There is no end in sight. I cannot see the end at all. Can all of this really come to an end? In fact, am I not just trapped in a treadmill running endlessly? Why could I not live like Cristine?

I threw the cigarette butt into the sink and sat blankly. The tears stopped quickly. The alcohol was rising, and my body had no strength. It was suffocating. Everything was suffocating. I thought how nice it would be if I fell asleep like this and never woke up again. I thought about how sweet death could be. Now, I could no longer know what I should do or how I should do it. I might have to go to Simon or Jerome recklessly and beg them to end it now. Whether you kill me or I kill you, let us put a period to this now.

But… if <only> I was living like this? If Simon and Jerome had forgotten me long ago and were now living ordinary lives like Cristine, like the boys such as Watson who had belonged to the <club>? If I was the only one struggling bound by the past? It felt like someone was strangling my throat, making it hard to breathe. Ridiculously, when I recalled Simon’s face saying , it felt like all the blood in my body was draining out. Simon who does not love me? Jerome who no longer has any interest in me? Then I… from now on I…

What should I do?

I heard the sound of slippers dragging on the floor. In an instant, I was pulled back to reality. This was still Teddy’s apartment. He appeared in front of me, who was sitting with my legs stretched out.

Teddy stood with his arms crossed, looking down at me collapsed in a drunken stupor. What that gaze was like was unclear. Because I was drunk, my body was limp, and my senses were numb. Teddy slyly slipped one foot between my ankles. He lightly pushed my ankle to slightly spread my legs. With my arms dangling on the floor, I silently looked up at Teddy. Teddy spread my legs exactly to the width of his shoulders and squatted down between my ankles.

Teddy said suddenly. Without answering, I just looked at Teddy quietly.

We stared at each other blankly. Teddy let out a sigh. He grabbed my arm firmly and pulled me hard. He made me drape my arm over his shoulder and barely lifted me up. I looked down at Teddy, who was a head shorter than me, in a daze. With a face full of irritation, he dragged his feet into the bedroom. Because Teddy pushed me, I fell onto the neatly made bed.

Lying stretched out on the bed, I blinked and just looked at Teddy silently. Teddy irritably rolled my body to lie in the middle of the bed. Teddy, who crawled onto the bed, put a pillow under my head. Then he grinned slyly.

My head was not turning well because I was drunk. Looking at Teddy grinning lewdly, I just felt sorry for him.

At my response, the sly expression disappeared from Teddy’s face. Instead, like a moment ago, he got irritated and even covered me with the sheet.

Teddy snapped without even breathing.

He got up from the bed and drew the blackout curtains over the window. The room became pitch black. Teddy said nothing more and closed the door as he left. In the silence, I looked at the ceiling and then closed my eyes.

My lips hurt so much that I woke up. My throat was dry too. Unlike when I opened my eyes at Cristine’s house, this time, as soon as I got up, I realized it was Teddy’s bedroom. There was still some intoxication left. There was no hangover, but my head was a bit dizzy. I waved my hand to open the curtains. Outside the window, it was already a pitch-black night. I groped along the wall and barely left the bedroom.

There was no one in the house. I went into the bathroom. As soon as I looked in the mirror, I was startled because of my lips covered in blood. There was a reason my lips hurt. I washed my face and rinsed off the bloodstains. My lips stung. Come to think of it, while drinking alcohol, I had chewed on my lips wildly, so it seemed like the wound had formed then. I looked at my lips with a red scab and then laughed.

With a face like this, I told Teddy to grab the opportunity and such. No wonder that bastard freaked out and hated it. I wiped the moisture from my face, rummaged through the bathroom drawer and took out a new toothbrush without permission to brush my teeth, took out new clothes from the duffel bag to change clothes, and only then did I leave the apartment. I left the bag as it was in Teddy’s apartment.

After drinking a lot of alcohol, crying a little, and making a fool of myself in someone else’s house for two days in a row, my mood was extremely refreshed. From there, I headed straight to New Contan. It was close to midnight. I went into the strip club Moulin Rouge where Teddy worked. Instead of looking for Teddy, I took a seat next to the stage where half-naked dancers were flirting.

I called the waiter and ordered alcohol, and watched the men dancing on the stage or doing walk-arounds. One among them approached me. I looked up at the dancer shaking his hips right in front of my nose and tucked a few bills into the string panties he was wearing. Whether the amount pleased him, the dancer touched my cheek and grinned.

Instead of answering, I just drank the alcohol. The man pinched my cheek and left. After that, I kept drinking alcohol. A little later, singers came out and performed. They danced and sang, went to the customers to flirt and act cute, got drinks from them and drank, received tips…. I kept sitting in front of the stage, drinking alcohol profusely, and finally toppled over. I felt like I was going to die of sleepiness.

I thought I heard a voice calling the manager, and soon Teddy appeared. As soon as Teddy saw me, he stepped back one step with an absurd expression.

<Hey, Teddy! Teddy!>

I reached out my hand to him with a wide smile.

In the end, Teddy, with a horrified face, took care of me. Until Teddy got off work, I lay in the staff lounge and dozed. It was almost 6 a.m. when Teddy finally appeared. Although he vented all sorts of irritations, he had no choice but to get in the taxi with me. With intoxication remaining, I kept leaning on his shoulder. Teddy kept pushing me away but gave up and had no choice but to hold my head.

As soon as we returned to the apartment, Teddy took me to the bedroom. Lying long on the bed, I patted the spot next to me with my palm.

Teddy said not to talk crazy and slammed the door as he left.

When I woke up around lunchtime, Teddy was not home again. My stomach was a bit queasy, but it was bearable. After taking a shower and coming out, I put on only shorts and took out a beer from the refrigerator to drink. When I had drunk about half, I heard the front door opening. I peeked out. Teddy, holding a shopping basket, was just changing into slippers. As soon as he saw me, he frowned just like that.

<Hey. If you are awake, at least put on some clothes like a human and go.>

He discovered the beer in my hand and his face twisted even more.

I asked while drinking the beer. Instead of replying, Teddy hit my shoulder hard as he passed by. It did not hurt at all. How cute. I grinned and followed behind him closely.

He laid out the groceries on the dining table and started cooking. His skill in chopping vegetables was better than I thought. When I followed him around watching, Teddy suddenly yelled <Do not bother me!> and got angry. I obediently squatted in the corner of the kitchen. Although Teddy had a very dissatisfied expression, he did not nitpick anymore. He quickly made a pot of New England-style clam chowder. He set the pot and bowls on the dining table and then turned around. While crumpling the cleanly emptied can, my eyes met his.

Teddy said curtly. I obediently sat in the seat across from him. I was a bit tipsy from being drunk. Teddy pushed over a bowl filled with soup. After taking one bite and suddenly lifting my head, he was looking at me with a slightly expectant expression. I took another bite and looked at him.

As soon as I said it, Teddy’s face crumpled. I took another spoonful and said.

Teddy reached for the bowl. I quickly lifted the bowl to avoid his hand.

Because Teddy got up from the chair, I had to run to the living room holding the bowl and eat the soup. When I slurped down about half, he gave up.

After eating and drinking one can of beer, I got sleepy again. Because my stomach was queasy and uncomfortable, I naturally crawled into the bed. Teddy got angry saying why are you getting into bed again without going home. Instead of replying, I lay down with my head on the pillow and patted the spot next to me. This time, Teddy, as if telling me to fuck off too, quickly crawled into the side. I did not expect him to actually lie down next to me, but once we lay side by side, the mood was good. The feeling of the bed springs being pressed with similar weight right next to me was nice.

Taking advantage, I tried pulling him into a hug. His warm and appropriately firm body pleased me. Teddy roughly swatted my arm away saying where are you clinging. But since he was weaker than me, when I deliberately tied down his arms and legs, he could not move at all. I hugged him tightly like hugging a teddy bear and fell asleep with my nose buried in Teddy’s nape.

When I opened my eyes, Teddy had already gone to work. As soon as I washed up, I borrowed one of Teddy’s shirts and left the apartment. This time too, I headed straight to the strip club where he worked. I sat in the same seat as yesterday and ordered alcohol. Even watching the men on the stage brought no feelings at all, but sitting in front of the stage where people came and went felt better than sitting at a table or the bar.

I got drunk much faster than yesterday. As soon as I toppled over, this time the staff called Teddy on their own. Teddy gritted his teeth in irritation as soon as he spotted me, but for some reason, he did not leave me alone. He might have known that if he left me, I would crawl in through the apartment window again. I obediently followed him and curled up to sleep in the staff lounge. When it was time for him to get off work, Teddy woke me up and took me back to the apartment.

Even at the apartment, I fell asleep with Teddy tightly squeezed against my side. Still, when I opened my eyes, he had slipped out of the bed at some point. This time, as soon as I opened my eyes, nausea surged up. I threw up everything in the bathroom and gulped down beer to rinse my mouth. Teddy leaned against the refrigerator and looked at me with a pathetic expression.

<Anyway, half of the tips the kids receive goes into your pocket. So is that not the same thing?>

Teddy grumbled.

I do not know how many days passed like that. I cannot remember. Every day was soaked in alcohol, and since I only wandered around at night, my sense of dates had disappeared. At some point, I barely realized that it was getting a bit chilly to wear just a short-sleeved shirt.

From some day on, an unfamiliar man sat next to the seat where I sat every day. He threw around frivolous jokes, ignoring the men on the stage. If it had been before, I would not have even glanced at him, but as days passed and the man’s face became familiar, I listened without saying anything. He giggled seeing my eyes glazed over from alcohol and said he would give me some drugs because he was in a good mood.

It was cocaine. If it was drugs, I was an expert too. Simon had given me injections. From the time at Bluebell. I sat head to head with the man and inhaled the cocaine. My head became numb. We slammed our foreheads on the table together and giggled. When we, drunk on alcohol and drugs, finally broke the alcohol glass, the staff called Teddy as expected. Teddy dragged me and shoved me into the staff lounge. Even rolling off the cot onto the floor, I was still high on the drugs, so laughter kept coming out.

I went back to the apartment with Teddy after he got off work and as always lay side by side on the bed to sleep. My whole body was languid and heavy, so I was about to fall into sleep just like that, but Teddy squirmed in my arms. I held him tight, putting strength into it so he could not move. Teddy quickly became obedient. When I opened my eyes, he was staring fixedly at me from within my arms. Without asking why, I just looked back at him. Finally, Teddy opened his mouth.

Teddy whispered in a low voice.

<…….>

I examined every corner of the thug bastard’s face that I held tightly in my arms. He was a man who was smooth without any rough edges, ordinarily average, and had some cute aspects. If ordinary, then one of those bad guys commonly scattered throughout the world that could be seen as ordinary. In a movie, he would be the villain extra number 6, scurrying around without a single line of dialogue and dying ridiculously. I looked at him silently and then grinned. Teddy raised one eyebrow. While fiddling with his hair, I said.

At those words, Teddy looked up at me in disbelief.

<Hey, are you even listening to….>

I lowered my voice and said as if whispering.

Teddy clamped his mouth shut and glared. He seemed in a bad mood. It was cute. I pressed my lips firmly to his and closed my eyes.

Within my arms, Teddy lay still. I fell asleep before he did.

I met the man who gave me the cocaine as if we had an appointment, always at that spot. As Teddy predicted, the man started selling drugs to me. I bought the cocaine without hesitation. The bills I used to give to the dancers went into the man’s pocket. After the man started selling drugs, he no longer drank alcohol with me. It did not matter anyway.

Drinking alcohol in front of the stage, doing drugs, and falling asleep slumped over the table became my daily routine. Teddy took me back to the apartment every time. He did not interfere at all with me drinking alcohol or doing drugs. Instead, occasionally, the cocaine I had put in my pocket would disappear completely. I too had never questioned Teddy about it.

That day too, just like any other time, I was sitting in front of the stage drinking alcohol. The cocaine had run out, so I was waiting for the man to come to the club. I did not give even a glance to the stage. Because of that, I realized only much later that the dancer on the stage had stopped in front of me.

The dancer clicked his high heels on the floor to make a sound to catch my attention. I tilted my head sideways and looked up at the drag man. The man squatted down in front of me. The inside of his skirt was fully visible. The drag man with a youthful face did not care and stared fixedly at me, then asked bluntly.

<You, you are that stalker, right? You looked fine, so why did you suddenly become a full druggie?>

The man with a golden wig cascading down to his waist had a somewhat familiar face, but it did not come to mind at all. The man looked at me with his eyes wide open like cow dung eyes and then suddenly got down from the stage. I just watched what he did, leaning my back languidly against the armchair. No thoughts came to mind. My body was too languid and heavy to react to anything. I was sleepy but could not fall asleep. I had to meet the man and buy cocaine.

With my eyes forced open, I just looked silently at the drag man right in front of my nose. The man suddenly climbed onto my lap and sat, then pulled out a bundle of bills from my pants pocket. There was no gap to stop him, nor the strength to stop him. The man sitting on my lap pretended to flirt while blatantly examining me.

The man said.

<…….>

At that name, my eyes widened for a moment, then soon slumped powerlessly against the backrest.

I threw out a word indifferently. The man said dryly, despite pretending to flirt.

While placing my hand on the man’s thigh, I said.

<Yeah. People live and sometimes get ditched, what can you do. Cheer up.>

The man brushed off the hand on his thigh and replied dryly. I looked up at the man quietly, then placed my hand on his thigh again. I gripped the thigh with force and shoved the man off my lap. The man got up reflexively and looked at me with a flustered expression.

<Thanks. I have someone waiting for me, so make some space.>

The man looked at me silently and then turned his body and disappeared.

That day, in the end, I could not meet the cocaine dealer. It would be a common trick. He probably timed it so that the drugs would run out just right, then hid for a few days, and when he reappeared, he would subtly raise the price and sell the drugs. Although I understood with my head, I felt empty. With an empty alcohol glass in front of me, I slumped in the chair like a corpse. As time got late, the staff left me there and handled the closing among themselves. As soon as work ended, Teddy lifted me from the chair and got in a taxi.

Even after lying on the bed back at the apartment, sleep did not come. Due to the side effects of the drugs, the sleeping time was drastically decreasing. Before, the side effects of the drugs had made me sleep like a dead person. I wondered if this changed because I got older. As always, I lay on the bed hugging Teddy. Since I did not sleep, he could not sleep either. With my nose buried in his head, I waited endlessly for sleep to come, then suddenly lifted my head and asked.

<Teddy. Later, if I run out of all money and become a complete druggie, what will you do?>

Teddy replied without hesitation. While touching Teddy’s cheek, I asked.

Teddy did not answer. Much later, just as I was about to fall asleep at last, a belated answer came to my ear.

<No.>

The next day, I could not even make it to New Contan. After leaving Teddy’s apartment, I wandered here and there, and in the end, with my strength drained, I lay down on the street and fell asleep. I woke up only when the police shook me awake. The fortunate thing was that I did not stupidly name the strip club in New Contan.

I gave Teddy’s apartment address and curled up lying in front of that place waiting for Teddy. Teddy came home much later than usual. It was long after the morning sun had risen. He got angry when he saw me sprawled in front of the apartment door. While kicking my stomach and thighs wildly, Teddy yelled.

Teddy even sat on my waist and punched. My head turned from the slap on the cheek. Teddy kept yelling. I just got grabbed by the collar and kept being shaken. Teddy kept getting angry until the person living next door yelled to shut up.

Teddy, who dragged me inside the apartment, kissed me as soon as he closed the front door. A faint sweat smell wafted from his roughened breath. We rolled around collapsing in the entrance and mixed our tongues. The hot flesh rubbed inside the mouth and bit and sucked the lips roughly. The man scratched my nape and forearms with his nails and pressed me so I could not even breathe properly. The lips and tongue were hot. If I turned my jaw to catch a breath even for a moment, he bit my lips sharply. If I pushed his shoulder away, my wrist was grabbed and pushed back. Teddy rubbed and mixed his tongue until he was satisfied, bit and sucked the lips, and sometimes bit really hard as if annoyed.

While kissing, he rubbed his hardened lower part against me. With our lower parts pressed tightly together, we finally separated from each other and pressed our foreheads together to exhale. During the hurried unbuckling of pants and pulling down the zipper, even without mixing tongues, our breathing sounds grew rougher and rougher. We panted at the hot breaths touching each other’s cheeks while rubbing noses. As soon as we fumbled to undo and shove down the pants, we rubbed each other’s hardened genitals. I groaned lowly while rubbing my genital against the rough and thick palm. I thrust my waist tightly and moved my hand frantically. We reached climax almost similarly and barely caught our breath with our heads buried in each other’s shoulders.

I felt like I could fall asleep just like that from exhaustion. I had been lying on the hard ground all day long and was exhausted, and Teddy seemed exhausted in his own way for some reason. Even so, the guy, with anger making his face all distorted, met my eyes. Looking at his flushed face, I kissed the tip of his nose. Teddy immediately furrowed his brows.

<Bastard.>

I looked at him quietly and then tapped his head. Teddy grumbled while rubbing his head.

Instead of answering, while lying in the entrance, I pulled him and hugged him. Teddy came into my arms obediently but still got irritated.

<Yes.>

I kissed Teddy deeply, and buried my nose in his head that smelled of sweet sweat. Teddy seemed to try to lift my body, but before I could do anything, I fell asleep.

When I got up the next day, there were bruises on my stomach and thighs from getting beaten. After showering and coming out in just underwear, I showed it to Teddy who was preparing breakfast. Teddy glanced at it and calmly took out the shepherd’s pie from the oven. When I clung to him and acted bothersome, he curtly pushed my head away.

I tugged at the guy’s ear gently so it would not hurt.

Teddy carried me on his back and cut the pie to place it on the dining table. With my chin on his shoulder, I slipped my hand inside his shirt.

Teddy suddenly turned his body and poked my bruised stomach with his finger wildly. When I screamed, he grinned slyly and wrapped his arm around my waist.

The fingertips that had been poking my stomach slowly traced my abs and stroked my thigh. He lowered his head to kiss my shoulder and chest, then suddenly stopped his movements. Following Teddy’s gaze curiously, I flinched. Teddy was looking at George’s tattoo remaining between my thighs.

Silence flowed. Teddy stepped back one step from me. I also stepped back one step and leaned against the sink. He pointed at the space between my legs with his chin and asked. His voice was stiff as if displeased.

I scratched my head and replied. Teddy reacted sharply.

Teddy asked back as if it was absurd and shook his head.

<No, whatever, erase that kind of tattoo. It makes me lose appetite even if I want to do it.>

<Yeah. I should.>

I approached Teddy and kissed him briefly.

Ignoring Teddy getting angry saying if that is the case do not eat it, I sat in front of the dining table. We ate while exchanging curses. After the meal ended, we naturally drank alcohol. Teddy did not particularly stop me but got a bit nervous.

That day, Teddy woke me up from the beginning of his way to work and took me with him. While preparing for opening, he kept me by his side the whole time. Following closely behind him, I exchanged greetings with the bartenders and waiters who I had now become familiar with, and the dancers going up on stage. After opening the club, Teddy sat me in a spot where the bartenders could watch and gave me one bottle of beer to hold.

Teddy said stiffly.

Instead of replying, Teddy rummaged through my pockets and took out all the money.

Teddy made an expression as if he desperately wanted to hit me, but admirably did not raise his hand. Instead, he snapped.

Teddy left without even listening to the end of my reply.

Regardless of whether I liked it or not, I had no choice but to act according to what Teddy said. Because none of the staff gave me any alcohol. Hugging the empty beer bottle that I had already finished drinking long ago, I sat curled up in the chair because it was getting a bit cold and my body was trembling. My mind came and went. I fell asleep right in the chair, then suddenly woke up startled by the music sound, and fell asleep again without realizing. Then, when I suddenly opened my eyes, someone was sitting in the chair opposite.

<Darling, are you protesting to me right now?>

The way of speaking, raising his voice one tone higher than his original voice, was familiar. Especially when hearing it without being drunk, the memory came back much more clearly. It was Cristine, whom I was meeting after several weeks. Cristine was sitting with his legs crossed, wearing a black maxi dress that came down to his ankles. Today too, he was prettily groomed from head to toe. Looking at him, I grinned.

Cristine snorted.

He crossed his arms stubbornly. A waiter passing behind Cristine glanced at me. I slightly shook my head at the curious look and turned my gaze back to Cristine.

<…Yeah. I hate it too.>

When I replied belatedly, he snorted. Today, Cristine had a golden bob that swayed at his chin.

I placed the empty beer bottle down on the table with a clink.

Cristine narrowed his eyes and reproached.

I wanted to drink alcohol. I shoved my trembling hand into my pocket.

<Friend?>

Cristine snorted. Because of the air conditioner wind, or for some reason, it was cold.

<Well, since he feeds me, puts me to sleep, and takes care of me… it is closer to lover than friend.>

<So? Should I have sex with him for money too?>

I leaned my back against the chair and replied nonchalantly. Cristine looked at me silently without saying anything. The silence was not long. Soon, he picked up the handbag on his lap and stood up. I looked up at him, who was very tall. Cristine glared at me with a cold gaze. A chilly voice pierced my ear.

The light sound of strap heels moved away behind me. Listening quietly to the crisp clacking of the shoes, I suddenly stood up. Cristine walked without looking back once, with his skirt hem swaying. I hurriedly tried to chase him but almost tripped because my feet got tangled. Staggering, I followed Cristine. Although I was wobbling, my steps were a bit faster than Cristine’s who was wearing heels.

I gripped Cristine’s shoulder hard. He turned around. As soon as he turned, I swung my fist at his cheek. Perhaps because he did not expect it, Cristine staggered as if he would fall from the hit on the cheek and stepped back several steps. Grinding my teeth, I approached him.

Because of anger or because of the cold, my body trembled.

I swung my fist once more. However, Cristine lightly grabbed my wrist.

Cristine whispered in a voice without falsetto. It was a voice so low that it sent chills down my nape.

I brought my face close to Cristine’s and pulled the corner of my mouth slyly.

At that moment, Cristine no longer held back. He did not hesitate and struck my cheek with his firmly gripped fist. My head turned so much that I almost fell to the floor, but Cristine grabbed my collar so I could not. I could neither dodge nor resist. The body that had been soaked in alcohol and drugs for several weeks did not move as I thought.

Cristine seemed to know that point well too. He did not show mercy and struck my cheek a few more times with his fist. As soon as he let go of the collar, I rolled on the floor. When he placed his heeled foot on me who had fallen, the staff clung on and stopped the fight. On my side, I had already been hit squarely in the side with Cristine’s solid elbow, so I was on the verge of passing out.

Through my vision of collapsing on the floor and panting, I vaguely saw Teddy hurriedly running over. Unable to endure the pain, I finally lost consciousness.

I looked up at the now familiar ceiling. It was Teddy’s bedroom. The ceiling painted in deep navy blue spread the afternoon sunlight languidly. As soon as I woke from sleep, I groaned at the headache that struck my head like a blow. Whether it should be called waking from sleep or regaining consciousness. Anyway, it had been a long time since I passed out from getting beaten.

While lying down, I roughly pushed aside the blanket and checked my side. It throbbed, and there was a large purple bruise. It was sore and painful, but it was fortunate that my ribs did not break even after getting hit like this. I pulled the blanket up to my chest. The pillow was fluffy and the bed was cozy, so I wanted to sleep a bit more just like this. I did not want to get up because I wanted to act spoiled in the comfortable bed. However, without closing my eyes or getting out of the bed, I just lay there looking up at the ceiling.

Author's Thoughts

There are numerous stimulating scenes involving rape, gang rape, violence, abuse, and drugs. Please practice discretion as you proceed.

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