Irresponsibility Chapter 6.1

The rainy season had begun. My whole body felt heavy and sank, like waterlogged earth.

Lately, a persistent pain had clung to my fingers. Yeoun cradled his throbbing right hand with his left and fixed his gaze out the window. Outside, it was overcast and dark, even during the day.

Watching the rain wet the windowpane kept bringing up emotions I had deliberately buried. Worry for my family, and the overwhelming helplessness and fear that nothing had been resolved.

Every now and then, when the sun shone a little, I would try to bring out better thoughts.

That perhaps their interest in me would naturally fade now that I was missing.

They might even assume my disappearance was a suicide. Even if my family didn’t know, they knew well enough why I might kill myself.

Or maybe the organization Baek Geonhyuk belonged to would find them and send them to prison or somewhere else. If that happened, their interest in me would naturally disappear as well.

What exactly was Baek Geonhyuk planning to do when he found them?

…The memory of clenching my jaw, trying so hard to keep my mouth shut without even knowing that, was drawn over the falling rain.

The torture had truly, completely eaten away at my mind. The threats and fear I had experienced before couldn’t compare.

At first, I had been firmly resolved not to say anything. I couldn’t carelessly run my mouth to a group whose exact objective I didn’t even know. Just because they seemed hostile to them didn’t mean I could gamble with my family’s lives. No matter how scared or pained I was, I had to protect my family.

But…

Each time I was left alone in that dark space after hell had swept through, a change gradually began.

Was my choice the right one? Wasn’t it the wrong answer?

I started to doubt.

Why, for what reason, am I enduring this pain?

I grew confused.

And when most of me had been eaten away by the intensified torture, I regretted it.

I should have talked. When that door opens next time, let’s just tell them everything. I can’t take it anymore. You stupid bastard. All you had to do was talk, what were you doing all this time.

“……”

Joo Yeoun truly wanted to protect his family. He could have staked everything on it. As long as his loved ones were safe, he could have lived in a nightmare.

But the torture took everything away. The things he had held important were no longer important. All that remained was himself, the pain, and the fear, and there was only one thing he wanted.

An end.

If Baek Geonhyuk had arrived just a little later, if just one more of my fingers had been broken. The situation would have been different.

With his eyes on the wet windowpane, Joo Yeoun clasped his throbbing hands together.

The truth was, even now, a faint regret remained at his core, shaking him from time to time. Hadn’t he been too foolish? Hadn’t he brought the pain upon himself with his own stubbornness, without even knowing anything properly? In the end, it was his own fault that he was broken.

When the thought that nothing would have happened to him and his family even if he had talked about them gained strength, he felt helplessly stupid.

Still, I had to get up. I have to protect my family again.

After staring at the rain for a long time, Yeoun glanced at the clock. Baek Geonhyuk might be here soon. So he got up from the sofa and headed to his room.

I am keeping my distance from Baek Geonhyuk. I only leave my room to eat dinner, and when he talked about games, I answered evasively.

I had nothing but things to feel sorry to him for. I could only hope that he would quickly let go of a relationship that was growing distant for reasons he didn’t even know.

But…

“Yeoun, I’m home.”

“……”

“Aren’t you hot?”

Baek Geonhyuk was as kind as ever.

When I shook my head, he bent down. His hand approached my disheveled hair on the pillow.

Joo Yeoun immediately turned his head and sat up. The large, lost hand paused in mid-air for a moment before fiddling idly with the blanket.

“Is the blanket too thick? Should I buy a summer one?”

“Ah, no.”

Is that so? Baek Geonhyuk asked again, looking at Joo Yeoun’s head. His gaze lingered on the strands of hair that had softly fallen and stuck to my cheek, then he straightened up.

“It’ll take a little while to make dinner.”

“Okay…”

“Come out and wait.”

Joo Yeoun shook his head. At that, Baek Geonhyuk watched him for a moment before saying, “I’ll call you when it’s ready,” and left.

Thump. The door, not fully closed, hit the frame and opened wider. Joo Yeoun silently got up and pushed the door shut. As the space was cut off from the outside, the tension in his rigid shoulders drained away.

The guilt I should have felt long ago grew even larger. Baek Geonhyuk had really, truly done nothing wrong. Not from the very beginning.

His chest felt tight, so Joo Yeoun tapped his head against the door. Thump. A deep sigh escaped his lips.

“Haaah… Aack!”

And it suddenly turned into a scream.

It was because the door had been flung open. Not only did he hit his forehead hard enough on the inwardly-opening door to make a thud, but he also fell flat on his butt.

Joo Yeoun clutched his stinging head and shot his head up. The person who had opened the door had what looked to me like a rather nonchalant expression. I glared at him, flaring up, and Baek Geonhyuk, who had been standing silently at the doorway, knelt down in front of me.

“Move your hand.”

Baek Geonhyuk gently pushed Joo Yeoun’s hand away and examined his forehead. After confirming the faintly reddened skin, he clicked his tongue.

“W-why would you s-suddenly o-open the door like that.”

“Does it hurt?”

“O-of course it hurts. I hit my head on the d-door…”

“I heard a noise.”

Baek Geonhyuk seemed to avoid my gaze, looking into the air. But his eyes soon returned to rest on my face, which was clearly revealed with my bangs swept up.

“Stop o-opening the d-door without knocking. I k-know… I know you open it without k-knocking in the middle of the night.”

Joo Yeoun huffed, looking up at Baek Geonhyuk. His smooth brows were furrowed, and a red mark was stamped right in the center of his round forehead.

“I’ve been caught.”

At the nonchalant mumble, Joo Yeoun’s eyes narrowed fiercely. But when Baek Geonhyuk suddenly let out a laugh, it was only natural for him to get more annoyed.

“Y-you’re laughing?”

“No. Sorry.”

He composed his expression and seriously examined Yeoun’s forehead, but the slight curve of his eyes and the way his lips spread sideways made it obvious he was holding back a laugh.

Joo Yeoun clamped his mouth shut and shook his head forcefully, flicking his hand away. The hair he had pushed back from his forehead fell messily over his face again. At that, Baek Geonhyuk gently swept his hair back and poked his sullen, puffed-out cheek with a finger. Tap.

“I won’t get caught from now on.”

Then he leisurely walked out.

Click. Yeoun, who had been staring blankly at the closed door, belatedly scrunched up his face.

How could he be so brazen while secretly opening someone else’s door? Of course, it wasn’t my house, but still, it was my room for the time being.

Hissing in annoyance while touching his stinging forehead, Joo Yeoun got to his feet. Pat, pat. He was dusting off his bottom when his hand suddenly froze.

A moment ago, he had been too casual with Baek Geonhyuk. When he acted so nonchalantly and joked around, there were times I, too, would get swept along as if bewitched.

Get a grip, Joo Yeoun told himself firmly.

He maintained a blank expression even when he saw the dinner table. But his mind was busy.

“You need to eat some chicken ginseng soup and nourish your body.”

…A chicken? That thing? Did he buy a turkey by mistake? The enormous thing steaming on the large platter was, no matter how I looked at it, not a chicken.

“It’s a rooster, so it’s a bit big.”

Baek Geonhyuk spoke as if he had read my mind, which startled me a little, but I didn’t let it show. Joo Yeoun carefully controlled his expression.

“You’re supposed to eat a whole one to really nourish your body…”

He clicked his tongue as if it were a shame. Then, he adjusted the soup bowl that was placed slightly askew at Joo Yeoun’s seat.

“At least finish all the broth.”

“……”

Joo Yeoun stared down at the soup bowl. The broth’s color was much darker than that of regular chicken ginseng soup, and it smelled of herbal medicine. In fact, in my room, I had thought that maybe the doctor next door was brewing some herbal medicine.

As I picked up my spoon, a piece of meat fell into the soup bowl. Yeoun surreptitiously rolled his eyes. Baek Geonhyuk, holding a pair of tongs, was tearing meat from a leg and placing it in my bowl.

“Here’s the salt.”

As I watched blankly, a small dish of salt was pushed toward me.

“I followed the recipe, so it should be edible.”

Though I did add some medicinal herbs, I heard him add. Joo Yeoun took a sip of the broth. I didn’t know how much he’d added, but I didn’t think he could say he’d followed a recipe. It tasted like I couldn’t tell if I was drinking herbal medicine or chicken ginseng soup.

“Is it edible?”

“Yeah…”

It seemed like it would be good for my body.

Joo Yeoun stirred the soup with his spoon. The chicken was so big that even with just the leg meat shredded, the bowl was now full of ingredients. As Yeoun added rice to his soup bowl, he shot a sideways glance. Baek Geonhyuk had picked up the other leg and was shredding meat from it.

I wanted to say, You eat too, but I hesitated, wondering if it was okay for me to say such a thing. In the meantime, the tongs went back and forth again. My soup bowl now had more meat than broth.

Joo Yeoun watched Baek Geonhyuk continue to shred the meat for a moment before lowering his head deep. Wanting to eat quickly and go back to his room, he moved his spoon busily, but he put down his utensils at about the same time as Baek Geonhyuk, who had started eating later.

“Wanna play a game?”

When I shook my head, Baek Geonhyuk propped his arms on the table.

“You don’t like games anymore?”

Joo Yeoun nodded.

“Then should we try something like a board game?”

At the words Baek Geonhyuk uttered as if he were thinking, Joo Yeoun clenched his fists tightly under the table. His heart tightened, but he lifted his chin and forced his voice to sound as indifferent as possible.

“Why would I d-do s-something like th-that with you.”

Even though he managed to form the words, his expression was difficult to control. So Joo Yeoun drank some water, hiding his face with the cup.

“I’m not suggesting we do anything weird.”

The voice that came back was calm.

Baek Geonhyuk was propping his chin on his hand, staring at me intently. His pensive expression made my hands turn cold.