Irresponsibility Chapter 6.4

“Good night, Yeoun.”

I didn’t answer the gentle good-night greeting.

Keeping my distance from Baek Geonhyuk became even more difficult.

Before, he would withdraw his hand if I avoided him, but now he reached out for me regardless of my avoidance. He would insist on stroking my hair and patting my back.

‘You can’t just think on your own and come to a conclusion.’

He was right. A relationship is something two people build, and it was wrong for me to act unilaterally.

But it was impossible for me, who was hiding things from him, to think with him and find a conclusion for this relationship.

‘I’ll do it.’

Joo Yeoun would habitually say to Baek Geonhyuk. He was afraid he would get used to his warm touch.

I can’t get any weaker. I had made that resolution many times and was prepared for it.

But in the predawn hours when it was raining very heavily, when I had a nightmare along with the pain in my hand. When Baek Geonhyuk, his face covered by a pillow, woke me up.

My heart crumbled again.

Was the power of the word ‘lifelong’ so strong? Or was I just weak? I was desperate for his warm touch.

Joo Yeoun grabbed the pillow Baek Geonhyuk was holding and threw it to the floor. Poof. His gaze, which had followed the light sound to the floor, quickly returned to my face as I lay there. Looking at me cautiously, he slowly reached out his hand. The rough tip of his finger touched my forehead.

I felt like I could live.

At the same time, I felt a sense of self-loathing. I was frustrated and felt like a fool for being unable to let go of Baek Geonhyuk’s kindness. How could I be so selfish? I was back and forth, dragging another person around with my confused mind.

“I’m s-strange, aren’t I.”

A voice mixed with deep self-blame came out like a whisper.

“No.”

Baek Geonhyuk replied in a low voice and stroked my hair. The sound of the rain continued, and the dawn was dark.

I’m sorry. As I mumbled, he gently touched Yeoun’s forehead and bent down. His face came a little closer. I felt like I could see his kind eyes even in the darkness.

“It’s because you’re in pain.”

“……”

“You should have received counseling for a long time and gotten treatment, but you couldn’t. You’re just in a little pain right now.”

he said slowly.

“I’m sorry, Yeoun.”

The tip of my nose stung, so Joo Yeoun just shook his head. Tears that had welled up without him noticing flowed down his temples. At that, his rough fingertips gently wiped away the tear track that ran from the corner of his eye to his ear.

Should I use the darkest and quietest time as an excuse? Should I try using the nightmare as an excuse? Should I give the reason that his hand is warm? The resolve I had barely held onto crumbled.

“My h-hand has been hurting constantly lately…”

At my whispered words, Baek Geonhyuk’s gaze fell on the white hand lying limply on the bed. He immediately took that hand. And as he gently touched it, he whispered, “I’ll keep massaging it for you.”

Joo Yeoun bit his lip and asked.

“Is it r-really because I’m in pain?”

The feeling of sinking into a sudden depression lately, the cruel and terrible thoughts. Weren’t they realistic and inevitable? Weren’t they thoughts and resolutions that absolutely had to be made?

“Yes. It’s probably worse because it’s raining and your hand hurts.”

Could my mind have become sick for such a trivial reason?

But I wanted to believe his words.

“I told you to leave it to me when things are tough.”

I had heard those words before. The words, which had become a temptation even harder to resist than before, echoed in my ears.

Joo Yeoun squeezed his eyes shut and then opened them. Between his wet eyelashes, reality, his own mistakes, and the future where he would disappoint him flashed by quickly.

“If you start to d-dislike me because of this…”

Baek Geonhyuk said nothing to the small utterance. I thought he might be thinking of that possibility too, but suddenly the hand he was holding trembled slightly. The bed seemed to shake too, so I turned my head and saw Baek Geonhyuk laughing, his broad shoulders shaking.

“You shouldn’t say things like that.”

His voice was full of laughter.

“…Why?”

At the blank question, Baek Geonhyuk rumbled with laughter. The low sound of his laughter tickled my ear. His large hand clasped mine, pressing down firmly on the back of my hand before slipping out from between my fingers.

“Because I’ll get greedy.”

Those words brought back the confession I had heard before. As I rolled my lips into my mouth and turned to face the ceiling, he let out a short laugh and touched Yeoun’s forehead.

“I’m your guardian. You don’t need to worry about things like that.”

he said as he swept my hair back. His tone was cool, but the words he added were a little slower.

That’s my emotion.

“……”

Joo Yeoun slowly turned his head. Baek Geonhyuk was kneeling on the floor, stroking my hair. It felt truly awful to be receiving so much affection without responding to his feelings. Joo Yeoun sat up and opened his mouth.

“N-now that I think about it…”

“Yeah, don’t think.”

But a large hand gently pressed on his forehead. The back of his head fell onto the pillow with a poof, but Yeoun lifted his head again.

“No, I’m j-just so…”

“So sleepy?”

You can sleep. Baek Geonhyuk pressed his forehead again.

“I shouldn’t be doing this…”

His head, which had lifted, fell back onto the pillow at his touch. He also pushed away the elbow I had placed on the bed to try to sit up. Thump. Joo Yeoun frowned.

“Why won’t you let m-me talk.”

“Sorry. I thought you were talking in your sleep.”

“……”

I was a little choked up that he was treating my words as sleep-talking.

“Good night.”

Baek Geonhyuk smiled faintly and patted his chest.

Joo Yeoun slowly moved his hand and gripped the hem of his clothes tightly. It was a shame they were his pajamas. It would have been nice if they were his outdoor clothes, so he would have to go out with them all wrinkled.

“I won’t go.”

a low voice said then. He must have misunderstood; I hadn’t grabbed his clothes because I wanted him not to leave.

But I wanted to ask.

If he really wouldn’t go.

The sound of birds could be heard. The sound of rain that had filled the night was gone.

Is it morning? I thought as I shifted a little, then slowly blinked my eyes. And then my eyes shot wide open.

Wasn’t there a wall blocking the side of the bed? Only after rubbing my eyes did I see the large curve, and I realized it wasn’t a wall but a huge back. Why is Baek Geonhyuk here…

“You’re awake?”

When I didn’t answer his question, Baek Geonhyuk slowly turned his head. As I stared at him blankly, he turned to sit facing me completely.

What? Joo Yeoun blinked and looked around.

“Morning.”

Baek Geonhyuk said, as if he thought I was curious about the time.

“Why are you h-here…?”

I was bewildered that he was still in my room in the morning, and a casual reply came back.

“I must have dozed off.”

For that to be the case, his voice didn’t sound like he had just woken up. His face was also clean-shaven. Besides, there was no way he could have slept sitting on the floor.

“It seemed like you didn’t have any nightmares.”

At Baek Geonhyuk’s subtle words, Joo Yeoun, who had been darting his eyes around in confusion, blinked and then nodded.

At that, the corners of his mouth lifted. With a satisfied smile, he lightly swept Joo Yeoun’s hair back and got up.

“Let’s have breakfast.”

Baek Geonhyuk disappeared with wide strides, as if he hadn’t stayed there all night. Joo Yeoun, who had been staring blankly at the open door, got up with a rustle.

He rubbed his eyes and threw his gaze out the window. The sun was out. I thought it wasn’t glaring because it was overcast outside, but it seems Baek Geonhyuk’s shoulders had created a shadow.

Joo Yeoun bit his lip hard and put his feet down on the floor. Now that the rain had stopped and the sun was up, he regretted last night. On top of that, hadn’t Baek Geonhyuk stayed by his side all night? Not even sleeping together, but sitting wide awake on the cold floor.

I couldn’t look Baek Geonhyuk properly in the face.

But Baek Geonhyuk didn’t mention a single thing about last night and was as indifferent as usual. Which meant he was being kind.

He really didn’t give me any room. He hadn’t moved away when I tried to distance myself, and with words like he liked me, and the word ‘lifelong’, and the sentences that filled last night… I was completely mesmerized.

“Didn’t you play any games yesterday afternoon?”

Joo Yeoun glanced at Baek Geonhyuk, who was massaging his hand.

A little while ago, when he said he would give me a massage, I had mumbled my words and tried to sneak away to my room. At that, he had raised the corner of his mouth in a smirk and said, ‘The sofa is this way,’ and grabbed my shoulders from behind to turn me around. It wasn’t a strong grip, but by the time I came to my senses, I was sitting on the sofa, holding out my hand to him.

“I h-haven’t been lately.”

Joo Yeoun said awkwardly because of the memories of last night and glanced at Baek Geonhyuk from the corner of his eye. His gaze was a little downcast. It was probably out of worry for me. The fact that he stayed by my bed all night, and the smile he had when I said I hadn’t had any nightmares.

Flinch. As I curled my fingers, Baek Geonhyuk lifted his head.

“It tickles…”

Joo Yeoun said, feeling a pang of guilt at the eyes that were examining his expression. Baek Geonhyuk kept his eyes on his face for a moment before looking down again.

And he touched my hand even more gently than before. At the sensation of his fingertips barely brushing between my fingers, Joo Yeoun squeezed his eyes shut and then opened them. He was barely holding back the urge to squirm when the touch on his fingers became even more ticklish. In the end, his tense toes slid straight across the floor.

A sound like a stifled laugh could be heard. Whip. Joo Yeoun lifted his head and looked at Baek Geonhyuk. When he discovered the mischief in his eyes, his brow furrowed.

“Y-you did that on purpose.”

“Did what?”