Irresponsibility Chapter 7.1

Yeoun hated the new house. A few days had passed, and furniture had been moved into his room, but it was hard to get attached.

His body was always slightly tense, and it was difficult to keep his gaze still. Even when he consciously tried to hold it back, it only followed Baek Geonhyuk.

It became a habit to turn his head straight and pretend not to be looking whenever Baek Geonhyuk showed any sign of turning around. At those times, Baek Geonhyuk would stare at him for a while before turning away without a word. Seeing as he said nothing, it seemed he hadn’t yet noticed his persistent gaze.

When Baek Geonhyuk wasn’t home, he would constantly glance out the window and at the front door. He also checked the clock often.

Was the problem that the house was too big? On quiet nights, it felt as though Baek Geonhyuk wasn’t there at all. So it was only natural that nightmares would torment him.

In this unfamiliar space, he felt a little more fragile.

But he couldn’t say he hated this house. Baek Geonhyuk had decided to move for his sake. This house only had CCTV cameras installed on the exterior, and the doors weren’t blocked. If he wanted to, it was possible for him to escape from the house.

Nevertheless, Baek Geonhyuk took the risk. For him. To soothe him while he was depressed.

How could a person be like that?

It was a thought he had often these days. How could he be so kind? And why were his hands so warm? And what about his embrace? It had been so comforting that he wanted to be held every time he saw that broad chest.

“…”

Joo Yeoun covered his eyes with both hands. He pressed down firmly on his eyelids as if telling himself to get a grip, and he also patted his cheeks before finally removing his hands.

To get his mind off Baek Geonhyuk, he looked out the window. Today, too, a pouring rain was soaking the lawn a vibrant green. While he was carefully observing the subtly different shades of the grass in patches, a thought abruptly cut in.

When will he come home today? Baek Geonhyuk had been coming home a little later than when they were at the villa. He hated that, too.

“Ah…”

Joo Yeoun let out a sigh.

It was truly difficult to stop thinking about Baek Geonhyuk. He had tried opening a book, watching TV, and even cleaning, but nothing worked. Even though vacuuming was more strenuous than before because the house was so large, he kept thinking of Baek Geonhyuk. It was even more persistent than his dark and gloomy thoughts.

How could a person be like that.

“…”

Letting out a deep sigh, Joo Yeoun glanced at the clock. It was a little past 3 PM. There was still quite some time before Baek Geonhyuk would arrive, and he couldn’t fill all that time with thoughts of him.

While putting away the vacuum cleaner, Yeoun massaged his stiff arm. He had used his left hand to vacuum because of the pain in his right, and it seemed to have strained the muscle.

Whoosh. Suddenly, the sound of rain, like being underwater, seeped into his ears. As the sound that had been buried by the noise of the vacuum cleaner filled the space around him, the tension suddenly drained from his entire body.

When will Baek Geonhyuk get here. At the thought that had popped into his head again, Joo Yeoun gently closed his eyes. He furrowed his brow, opened his eyes again, and walked toward his room.

The room was too far to drag his heavy body to. This house is full of things I hate.

No, that’s not it. I hate myself the most, for being so indecisive and unable to do anything.

Joo Yeoun slowly entered his room and lay down on the bed. Lying on his back and staring at the ceiling, he let his arms and legs go limp and blinked weakly.

This house is… so big that I can’t hear Baek Geonhyuk coming in very well, and it feels like he might not come at all…. Time filled with such absurd complaints passed slowly.

His body was so lethargic that he didn’t even want to nod his head, so he just rolled his eyes to look at the clock. But as it neared 5 PM, he turned onto his side and stared intently at the clock. After gazing fixedly at the long second hand moving, he finally stirred and got up. His arms and legs still felt limp and heavy, but he didn’t stop until he was sitting in front of the living room window.

Sitting on the cool wooden floor, Joo Yeoun looked far into the distance. The rain had since let up, and his view extended clearly to the far-off scenery. The place with the stairs leading up from the garage was also clearly visible.

He stared intently out the window, then glanced at the time and moved back a little. It seemed like he would be visible from across the yard if he stayed here.

Yeoun moved back until his back touched the sofa, then turned on the TV. Then he tilted his head slightly and looked out the window again.

In the summer, the sun sets slowly. The edge of the sky only turns red and yellow around 8 PM. But the completely overcast sky simply grew darker without any change in color. One would face the darkness without even realizing the sun had set.

Joo Yeoun, who had been looking at the dark navy sky, turned his head. The clock read 8:20. They had promised that if Baek Geonhyuk didn’t come by 7 o’clock, he would eat dinner first, but it was already this late.

Yeoun stood up from his spot. His legs, which had been in the same position for a long time, ached stiffly, so he patted his thighs in a half-crouched posture. Then, he slowly walked over and turned on the living room lights.

The surroundings became bright. Yeoun, who had squeezed his eyes shut and then opened them, briefly bowed his head before his gaze fell on the window out of habit.

Since the inside was brighter, the outside was completely invisible. The black windowpane only reflected his own figure, standing alone and forlorn in the spacious living room.

Step. Fear approached.

What if Baek Geonhyuk doesn’t come?

There was no logic to the fear. An absurd premonition that Baek Geonhyuk really might not come washed over him, and a foolish resolve to watch and see if he was coming took hold.

Joo Yeoun turned and sat back down in front of the window. He stared intently at the garage area as before, but the reflection of the living room in the glass made it hard to see. It seemed he would have to turn off the lights to see outside.

He looked behind him. The vast living room stretched endlessly behind his back.

Glance. Yeoun looked at the light switch and decided not to turn off the light. If it got dark with no lights on, it would feel like the dead of night. Quiet, with only the sound of the rain filling the air, as if he were left all alone in the world.

As he tried to see outside through the reflection in the glass, his face got closer and closer to the window. Only when the tip of his nose touched the cold pane did Yeoun pull his head back.

He was anxious. His gaze kept flicking to the areas obscured by the living room lights.

Joo Yeoun eventually got up and headed for the front door. It was his first time going outside the house. He hesitated a little when he put on the large slippers and grabbed the doorknob, but he bit his lip firmly and opened the door.

Whoosh. The sound of the falling rain became clearer, and the damp air seeped into his nose. It was bright near the eaves because of the light from inside the house, but the distance was pitch black.

He suddenly became conscious of his breathing. Joo Yeoun stood under the eaves, his chest heaving.

A gentle breeze blew, and fine droplets of water spattered on his face. Yeoun wiped his cheek with the back of his hand and fixed his gaze on the darkness far away.

There were lights along the path from the garage to the front door and in various spots in the yard, but they were all off today. It seemed they had to be operated manually, not automatically.

He didn’t know how to do it. If he turned on the yard lights, it would be easy to see from inside the house and from here.

Joo Yeoun stood with his back against the exterior wall, his gaze fixed beyond the falling rain. The surroundings were now pitch-black. Raindrops occasionally spattered on his face and arms, and the air was very humid.

Whenever he felt like he was underwater, he focused on the lights visible far in the distance. He kept reminding himself that he wasn’t sinking by looking at the lit-up houses at the foot of the mountain.

But as time passed, the lights went out, one by one.

Joo Yeoun let out an anxious breath. He clenched his fists and strained his eyes.

The person he was waiting for still hadn’t come. He knew there was no way he wouldn’t come since this was his home, but he still felt anxious.

It was because he was alone. Because Baek Geonhyuk was the only one who came for him. Because Baek Geonhyuk was the only one who would take his hand and pull him up from this place, he found himself waiting endlessly.

Biting his lip firmly, Yeoun thought about how foolish and powerless he was. The more he continued those thoughts, the more his gaze, fixed on the area beyond the yard, became even more intense.

How much time had passed? Now, not a single light was visible. In the dark, damp blackness, he was alone.

“Huu… ngh.”

His breathing became ragged. He reflexively clutched his throat, then noticed his hand was trembling and clenched it into a fist. He was pressing both fists to the sides of his thighs and squeezing his eyes shut and open when it happened.

“Joo Yeoun?”

The voice he had been waiting for seemed to drift faintly through the sound of the rain. Joo Yeoun’s eyes flew open, and he stared into the darkness.

A large figure was rapidly approaching him. Even in the dark, he recognized Baek Geonhyuk at a glance.

In that moment, his heart plummeted. And then it instantly revived, pumping with vitality and sending blood rushing violently through his body.

“Why are you out here.”

His voice, clear and distinct, reached his ears, which had felt muffled. Life returned to his hazy eyes.

He could see that Baek Geonhyuk’s hair and shoulders were slightly wet from cutting across the lawn. His face, half-illuminated by the light spilling from the window, was set hard, and his gaze was sharp.

“The yard lights… I, I don’t know how to t-turn them on….”

He was so busy taking him in with his eyes that Yeoun didn’t even know what he himself was saying.

The large feet that had run from a distance finally came to a stop in front of him. His hurried movements stirred up a wind strong enough to mess up his bangs. It felt as if it seeped deep into his own chest.

“Were you waiting for me?”

Baek Geonhyuk asked, cupping both his cheeks. His face filled his vision, which had been achingly empty all day.

“Ah…”

A sigh escaped from between his lips.

“Hm?” He smoothed back his disheveled hair and carefully studied his face. That gentle touch, voice, and gaze. It was his limit now.

Joo Yeoun finally surrendered. Following the impulse he had been holding back all along, he threw his arms around his neck in a somewhat rough motion.

The body he was touching tensed up, as if surprised by his action. So he stood on his tiptoes and tightened his arms around his neck even more.

“Yes… I, I was waiting.”

The whisper he uttered was wet with tears. The yard visible over the broad shoulder was still steeped in black, but warmth was quickly spreading through his body.

“…”

“A, a lot.”

Joo Yeoun added with a sniffle.

Baek Geonhyuk slowly lowered his hands, which had been frozen in midair. As he wrapped an arm around his back, Joo Yeoun made a sound like a whimpering wild animal and clung to him even more desperately.

“I…”

“Yes, Yeoun.”

At the gentle response, Joo Yeoun crumpled his face in sorrow and said.

“I h-hate it here.”

His tearful voice burrowed into Baek Geonhyuk’s ear. So close that his breath seeped in with it.

“It’s t-too big… and dark. A-and at night, it feels like you’re not here. I hate it….”

“…”

Baek Geonhyuk clenched his jaw tight. Veins popped on the backs of his scarred hands, but he soon relaxed his grip and carefully stroked his thin back.

“You felt that way?”

“Yes…”

To the question, Joo Yeoun choked out a sorrowful reply. He nodded, letting his tears fall onto Baek Geonhyuk’s nape.

“I thought you w-weren’t coming.”

“So you waited outside.”

When Joo Yeoun nodded, his soft hair tickled his chin. Baek Geonhyuk, who moved his Adam’s apple as if holding back a thirst, gently stroked the small back of his head.

“Why wouldn’t I come? Work just ended a little late today.”

“A, a little?”

When the tearful voice shot back sharply, a laugh escaped through his dry lips.