Madness Chapter 23.5

“Mr. Lee Joowon?”

Just as Park Noyoon came out from around the corner and reached his arm toward Joowow, a rough voice suddenly echoed in the hallway.

“I’m Detective Kang Jinsu from the Violent Crimes Unit 1 of the Seoul Mapo Police Station.”

“…”

“We’ve met before.”

A bluish tint spread across the face of Joowon, who was swaying, unable to keep his balance. Seeing the man who introduced himself as a ‘detective,’ his distant sense of reality came back into sharp focus. Unable to compose his face, which was smeared with miserable moisture, Joowon observed the men who were greeting him without any embellishment.

The men showed their police ID cards and came closer. His sneakers, which had barely been touching the floor, staggered. Thinking that Joowon looked like he would collapse just by looking at him, Park Noyoon tried to grab Joowon’s wrist and pull him toward him.

But Joowon slipped out of Park Noyoon’s hand like gold dust flowing through the cracks of his fingers.

“Where have you been all this time? For you to only come now when this has happened to your family is truly,”

Seeing Jinsu, who had narrowed the space between his eyebrows, Joowon felt the pain of the very center of his heart being torn apart. That’s right. Tucked away like an idiot. Not even knowing what was going on in the real world. Just like his brother, whom he had cherished with all his might, his father had also passed his time helplessly. A heavy guilt knotted up inside Joowon’s body.

“Kang Jinsu.”

The older detective patted Jinsu’s shoulder as if to tell him to stop and turned his head to meet Joowon’s gaze.

“About your father’s case… we just caught the culprit yesterday. There were a lot of CCTVs in the vicinity, so we were able to track him down quickly. He’s about to be sent to the prosecution right now, but I’d like to move to another location and discuss the details with you.”

Hearing the news that the culprit had been caught, Joowon’s eyes shook wildly.

“I understand how you feel, but please calm down.”

Joowon, who had hastily trampled on the flower bud that wore the mask of guilt and anger, strained so much that his wrist ached. The sight of him, who didn’t even have the energy to raise his voice but was hell-bent on struggling somehow, was pathetic. The detectives barely managed to support Joowon, who was crushed by excessive grief.

During that time, Park Noyoon tried to take Joowon’s hand, but the limp hand pushed Park Noyoon’s hand away. Once again, Joowon coldly rejected Park Noyoon. While revealing all sorts of sorrow.

The sound of several footsteps sullied the cold air that drifted through the hallway. The distance between Park Noyoon and Lee Joowon began to grow endlessly. Lee Joowon left, and Park Noyoon did not move. He just stood there blankly, fixing his gaze like someone observing the blood-red sunset falling over the horizon.

But the faint sunlight cannot be grasped by anyone. Darkness, having reached the end of its brightness, exploited the face that was as pure white and noble as freshly fallen snow.

🍑

Detectives tend not to rashly let the culprit and the bereaved family meet, considering the immense trauma that could occur. This was especially true for serious cases like murder. But Joowon asked the detectives. He asked them to let him face the person who had turned his father and brother into cold corpses.

It was difficult to ignore Joowon, who looked so wretched he seemed as if he would wither and die at any moment. After some deliberation, the two detectives explained the procedure and made arrangements for him to meet the culprit. Even after trying to dissuade him and advising him to reconsider several times, they could not break Joowon’s will.

In the end, Joowon followed the detectives like a slave of a defeated nation in shackles. After crossing the cold, heavy corridor and passing several offices, they arrived in front of a certain door. While the detectives opened the door, Joowon curled his trembling fingertips.

And as the gap in the door opened wide, a musty smell tickled his olfactory epithelium.

A space lit by only a single, bright blue fluorescent light. Under the pouring light, a man in handcuffs was sitting with his head bowed. His hair was greasy from not having washed for several days, and his shabby appearance made him look like a homeless person. The man, sensing a presence, slowly raised his head. A face with dead skin cells and purplish bruises. Rough skin. No matter how he racked his brain, it was someone he had never met before. At best, he could only guess that he was of a similar age to Kangjae. Without even thinking of sitting in the chair opposite him, Joowon watched the middle-aged man.

“Are you Lee Kangjae’s kid?”

The man raised his head, letting out a cackling sneer.

“He killed another man’s daughter and lets his own kid walk around perfectly fine? This is all because of Lee Kangjae, your father!”

The man, who had been sitting quietly, spotted Joowon and, unable to control his excitement, shouted. He suddenly stood up and even tried to choke Joowon with his handcuffed hands. The detectives, who discovered it late, tried to pull the man away, but it was no easy task.

“If I had my way, I’d kill you too! Lee Kangjae has to suffer as much as he made me cry tears of blood! The murderer is Lee Kangjae!”

“Mr. Lee Joowon, please get out.”

While the other detective subdued the man, the flustered detective took Joowon and turned away. Even after the door closed, the hate-filled voice did not disappear.

“The victim, no, Mr. Lee Kangjae, is said to have worked for a private lending company for a short time. That man was a debtor.”

“…”

“In order to collect the money, it seems he… went to the school the culprit’s daughter attended and applied pressure. Because of that, the daughter made an extreme choice, and he held a grudge. That’s why he murdered Mr. Lee Kangjae.”

Feeling his heart sink, Joowon stepped back. After that, he heard some futile consolation about how the culprit would be swiftly punished, but he didn’t respond. With a blank expression, Joowon slowly began to walk. What sin did his brother commit, why on earth to a kid who had just barely grasped onto hope. Unhappiness, like crystals of coarse salt, was flecked in Joowon’s empty eyes.

The automatic doors opened and closed smoothly. Stepping out onto the worn entrance floor, Joowon collapsed on the spot due to a lack of strength. It was late evening, so there was no one beside Joowon. No, was there anyone by his side in the first place?

A hollow laugh burst through his teeth. Joowon clawed at the floor with his scraped fingers and bowed his head. He had never wished for happiness, so why on earth was he being made to live a life like a punishment? He wanted to grab anyone and scream.

And a pair of slightly wrinkled white sneakers caught in Joowon’s field of vision. As Joowon, who was cast in a black shadow, raised his head, someone reached out a hand and pulled Joowon up.

“Don’t go anywhere alone. It makes me anxious.”

Why did a normal daily life, which repeated like a refrain for others, never come to Lee Joowon?

Unable to show any reaction of rejection because the merciless tragedy had robbed him of his reason, Joowon quietly stepped back. His face and lips were covered in wounds, as if to show he had been beaten, but he maintained his elegance.

He was still beautiful. Still, still, unchangingly.

The moment he realized that fact, his numbed five senses raised their thorns, and an anger too overwhelming to put into words created a storm. Lee Joowon’s world was decaying, giving off a rotten smell, but the world of Park Noyoon, who had ruined everything, had not even a tiny crack. The sky was serene, as if to say that this unfair situation was only natural.

“Park Noyoon… I have nothing left now…”

I have no reason to live anymore. Unable to finish his sentence completely, Joowon sobbed, avoiding Park Noyoon’s gaze. He clenched his fists so tightly his wrists ached. Did he even wail, begging to be killed here? He couldn’t remember. He just burst into tears, following his instincts.

Joowon, who had poured out his miserable sorrow, guilt, and resentment toward Park Noyoon for colluding in a lie until he had no strength left, unclenched his fists and slid down. Usually, when assuming one could turn back time, one would specify a certain point, but Joowon couldn’t do that. He couldn’t figure out where his relationship with Park Noyoon had gone wrong.

“How did I end up trapped in a prison like this? How long do I have to live like this?”

Joowon let out an uneven breath. He spoke in a tone that said he didn’t want to accept it, even though he knew he had no choice but to submit to his violent affection.

Like an answer, the pale yellow pupils, which had been only languid, were dyed a dark color. Unlike someone looking down at Lee Joowon, who was sitting on the cold, dirty floor, he exuded a complex, no, a pathetic atmosphere. How dare someone like Park Noyoon. As if to say that he was the one who was broken, instead.

“You entered the prison yourself, hyung.”

Grabbing the wrist of the collapsed Joowon and pulling him up, Park Noyoon whispered as he embraced Joowon tightly.

“Why do you say you have no one? I’m here. We’ve become each other’s everything. Yesterday, today, tomorrow, and in the future.”

“…”

“I love you.”

“…”

“So— hyung. Let’s be unhappy together. If I can be with you, I can wither away in a place where even light doesn’t reach.”

As the beautiful lips whispered love against his earlobe, his sharpened five senses were overpowered by the cool stimulus. A lovely, disgusting, affectionate, creepy confession touched his eardrums. No matter how much he pushed, Park Noyoon did not move away. The more he tried to escape, the more fiercely he applied pressure. The probability of winning against Park Noyoon with physical strength converged to zero.

However, Joowon realized. The only way to destroy Park Noyoon, who craved love.

‘It’s okay. What you’re thinking is right, hyung.’

Wonyoung’s voice, like a wave gently swaying in a sweet breeze, touched his ears. The world, which stood by and watched the misfortune he was experiencing, brought him a despair that would crumble even under the bright sunlight. Joowon quietly felt the tips of Park Noyoon’s fingers.

And he was certain. The fact that his own destiny was gradually heading toward its end.

The smell of something decaying vibrated and tickled his sense of smell. Was it Lee Joowon or Park Noyoon who was crushed by the curse of love? A sensation that the two people involved could not even know drifted in the bright blue sky.

What kind of melody would the requiem, which fed on a beautiful yet tragic destiny, have?

🍑

The tears that had flowed until his eyeballs felt hot no longer came out. Having returned home, Joowon just lay there in a daze.

A day passed quickly if he bathed, ate, and forced himself under the covers as Park Noyoon told him to. But none of that could crush Joowon’s resolve. Pain, tragedy, disaster, misfortune, trial, adversity. During the time when sour words poured out in succession, Joowon’s heart was burned black.

The abnormal expectation that he would soon be able to escape from the prison he and Park Noyoon had created would surge, but then the amount of guilt that had snowballed would rush in considerably. He himself couldn’t even judge what was right.

‘Won, when are you coming?’

‘We promised to be happy.’

‘You need to be at peace now too, hyung.’

When he knelt and stared at the floor, auditory hallucinations wearing the mask of his family swirled around. Right across from him, a pitch-black person was always grinning and beckoning with his hand. It was the same as urging him to come quickly, to put it into action right now.

“The hydrangeas outside have bloomed beautifully.”

Just as he was being swept away by a strange feeling, as if he would be sucked in by an irresistible gravity, Park Noyoon sat down facing him.

“Let’s go see them after we eat.”

Cruel and selfish to the very end. With unfocused eyes, Joowon stared at the soft-colored pupils.

His malfunctioning thought process didn’t work even on the face that had not a single small flaw. But strangely, every time he looked at the eyes that were looking at him, a certain impulse rushed in. For example, the despair of not wanting to live like this, the unfairness of being broken all by himself, the selfish desire to make him miserable too, all revealed themselves violently.

“…Later.”

Joowon only showed his fatigue and did not express a single piece of emotion. Replying shortly, he met Park Noyoon’s gaze. One second, two seconds, three seconds. The short moment continued like an immeasurable eon. Soon, Park Noyoon clasped Joowon’s cold hand, intertwining their fingers.

“Tell me if you need anything.”

“Okay.”

“Tell me if you’re in pain, too.”

Handling Park Noyoon was really simple. All he had to do was not say no. He felt a sense of emptiness, as if he had only just now realized this easy thing. Joowon responded to Park Noyoon, nodding his head like a doll with dead batteries.

“…Should we have some cake? You didn’t get to celebrate your birthday properly.”

Joowon, who had muttered in a voice drier than fallen leaves scattered in the winter wind, turned his head and met Park Noyoon’s gaze.

Park Noyoon, whom he had expected to be happy and pleased at the fact that he had thought of him first, did not smile even after hearing the sweet suggestion. He just stared with eyes whose feelings were impossible to fathom. As a strange silence continued, his white thumb gently stroked the back of Joowon’s hand.

The gently spreading body heat began to dye Joowon with despair. It was chilling, like a poisonous snake slithering up his body, and yet tearfully warm.

Suddenly, he had a feeling. A feeling that the position he was standing in now was somehow strange. An atmosphere followed, as if the one who held the reins in this relationship was Lee Joowon himself. Momentarily confused, just as Joowon was about to pull his hand away, the corners of Park Noyoon’s mouth curved.

“Let’s do that.”

Soon, a gentle breath touched his ears. As if pleading with his lover who couldn’t give any answer, Park Noyoon moved his hand and pulled Joowon’s waist into a tight embrace. The more their body heat tangled, the more something that could not be rashly judged poured down like a storm. His heart began to be dyed black. Joowon, who couldn’t easily open his mouth because the suffocating affection was agonizing, quietly listened to the sound of Park Noyoon’s breathing.

He who fights with monsters

should look to it that he himself does not become a monster.

And if you gaze long into an abyss,

the abyss also gazes into you.

– Friedrich Nietzsche