Formless Chapter 55

The final thought, like a conclusion, was that he had to listen well to Gangwoo.

🧸

Heewoon stayed home for several days. Not only could he no longer go to the academy, but it also seemed that Seo Gangwoo didn’t particularly like him going out. Yesterday, he had called to ask if he could go to the library, but was told, ‘It’s cold, so how about you just stay home?’

It was phrased as a suggestion, but when Heewoon said he would, the reply came back, ‘Good thinking.’ The voice sounded satisfied.

Starting in February, he began taking online classes. He even made a plan of his own. Wake up at 8 AM, have breakfast, listen to one lecture before lunch, and then listen to another one after lunch. Even though it was a very easy plan, he didn’t want to move a muscle from under his blanket, and when he became aware of himself gradually slacking off, the situation suddenly felt unfamiliar.

Heewoon’s cell phone, who was curled up under the covers, lit up. A message had come from Jihwan.

[Hey, Woo Heewoon. Why did you leave the group chat?]

He was talking about him leaving the study group chat.

I’m not going to the academy anymore, Heewoon typed and then yawned. He had gotten back under the covers after breakfast, and he was sleepy again. It was 9:30 now, so maybe he should lie down for just 30 more minutes and then listen to the lecture.

Just then, another message came. Heewoon, who was lazily looking at the screen out of annoyance, saw his eyes go wide.

[The group leader hyung was hospitalized, so I’m going to visit him. Don’t you want to come with me?]

Why was he hospitalized?

[He got into a car accident a few days ago. You didn’t know because you left the group chat.]

Heewoon stared at the message. A car accident… Heewoon felt a sense of urgency and quickly sent a message.

Was he hurt badly?

[I think he’ll be in the hospital for about another week before being discharged. Some crazy bastard apparently just came out of nowhere and hit him.]

Heewoon typed ‘Could it be…’ and then deleted it all. Then he sat up and stared at Jihwan’s message. The blanket that had been covering his shoulders slipped down, and he felt a little chilly.

“Are you going to study?”

“Ah… yeah.”

Heewoon nodded at his mom’s question as she turned to look at him. His mom turned down the TV volume. Heewoon stared at the phone screen again. Jihwan kept sending messages.

[It wasn’t a drunk driver, but he said he didn’t see the group leader hyung’s car. Does that even make sense?]

[He said his daughter was suddenly sick and he had to go, so he just gave him a business card and left right away]

A daughter. Then it wasn’t Seo Gangwoo. Heewoon thought.

He recalled the time Seo Gangwoo had suddenly assaulted Lee Hyukjin. That indifferent face that had asked, ‘Are there other bastards like that?’ And the words he had added.

‘Fucking bastards, I mean.’

Not long ago, when he was drunk and complaining about the group leader, Seo Gangwoo had fiddled with his hair and said in a low voice.

‘He did? What a fucking bastard.’

Heewoon squeezed his eyes shut and then opened them. And he thought. He must have just been agreeing with me. Logically, there was no reason for Seo Gangwoo to go out of his way to harm the group leader. The group leader was just the kind of condescending type you find anywhere, and he hadn’t even bullied Heewoon that much.

Then what about Lee Hyukjin? Was there enough reason to hit Lee Hyukjin?

“…”

Heewoon’s eyes wavered, unable to find a place to rest. If, if Seo Gangwoo really did that to the group leader, could it be because he said the group leader bullied him…

[What are you going to do? Are you going? Let’s go togetherㅠㅠ]

Jihwan urged him. Heewoon replied that he would think about it and put his phone down. A dizzying memory suddenly surfaced.

‘I want to kill all the bastards who were with you. Should I still let them off?’

Even in his blurry vision, Seo Gangwoo’s eyes had gleamed. And to those words, he had… nodded. His heart sank. Then, a bad habit that popped up whenever he felt anxious or weak suddenly emerged.

There’s no way he would cause a car accident over something so trivial. Even if it really was Seo Gangwoo’s doing, it wasn’t his fault. It’s not like he told him to do it, and the one who committed the act was Seo Gangwoo. Seo Gangwoo being crazy had nothing to do with him.

No, that’s not right. Thinking about it again, it seems certain that it wasn’t his doing. Fender benders are common, and the person who hit the group leader’s car wasn’t Seo Gangwoo, for starters. And also… also…

Heewoon tried hard, but he couldn’t think of any other reasons.

In any case, he concluded that the group leader’s accident had nothing to do with Gangwoo or himself. It was just that his imagination had become too vivid from seeing so many violent things. He was definitely getting a little too sensitive.

So that evening, when he met Gangwoo, he didn’t even think to ask. It was probably unrelated, and asking about it for no reason might get on Gangwoo’s nerves, and also…

“Sunbae, I think you got something.”

Gangwoo said, glancing at the cell phone Heewoon was holding in his hand. Heewoon looked at Gangwoo, who was looking in the side mirror to park, and then turned his eyes to his phone. It was Jihwan, pestering him to go visit the group leader in the hospital. He thought Jihwan disliked the group leader, but it seems they had gotten close despite the dislike.

“Ah. The study group leader was hospitalized.”

“So?”

Gangwoo asked as he unbuckled his seatbelt. His face was simply indifferent.

“Ah. Jihwan keeps bugging me to go with him.”

Heewoon also clicked, unbuckling his belt and answering naturally. It was warm in the car, so he had taken off his padded jacket, just slipping his arms out, so the belt and clothes got tangled, and he briefly untangled them. During that time, Gangwoo said nothing. When he untangled the mess and turned his head, their eyes met. Gangwoo, who had been watching Heewoon the whole time, smiled brightly.

“Does Jihwan sunbae keep bothering you?”

“No, it’s just…”

Heewoon trailed off, and Gangwoo said nonchalantly.

“Jihwan sunbae should have gotten into the accident instead of the group leader.”

Heewoon’s hand, which was zipping up his jacket, paused. He had never said there was an accident.

Heewoon raised his head and looked at Gangwoo.

“What a shame.”

Gangwoo, whose eyes met his, said as if seeking agreement. Heewoon couldn’t take his eyes off the faint smile that appeared on Gangwoo’s face. A cool air slowly wrapped around his neck. His mind raced. But so many thoughts and emotions were tangled up in a complicated mess that he himself didn’t know what he was thinking.

“Are you going to visit him? You’re not even that close.”

“We’re not close at all. I’m not going.”

Heewoon answered, as if panting.

Could it be, was it really Seo Gangwoo’s doing?

“It seems sunbae had to suffer for no reason because of someone you’re not even close to.”

Gangwoo said, examining the remaining bruise on his cheek. As Heewoon’s gaze followed him, Gangwoo’s eyes curved in a smile. As if he knew nothing.

In that moment, the tangled thoughts barely unraveled.

If he caused the accident for the reason that he had bullied Heewoon, then not hiding it and revealing it implicitly was a warning directed at Heewoon himself.

Gangwoo gazed at Heewoon’s face, where complex emotions were flickering, and then said.

“I like it when you’re like this, sunbae.”

“…”

Gangwoo’s fingers moved slowly, as if tracing over the bruise. Heewoon remained perfectly still, watching Gangwoo’s lips. As if afraid of the words that would flow out.

“You think it’s a relief that it was the group leader who got into the car accident, don’t you?”

It wasn’t a major accident, anyway. Gangwoo added, playfully tapping Heewoon’s chin. Heewoon’s eyes widened. And a little late, he shook his head.

“No.”

“You’re good at pretending you don’t know. You only think about what’s convenient for you.”

The look in his eyes, as if he knew everything, made Heewoon feel wronged. The one who only thinks about what’s convenient for him is Seo Gangwoo. There was no need to feel relieved that the one who got into the car accident was the group leader and not someone else. If something like that had happened to Jihwan, his guilt would have been much greater and he would have been more afraid, but he would never have thought it was a relief. He just… thought he would have to be more careful from now on.

So that no harm would come to the people he was close to.

“This… should I just tell him I’m not going and then ignore him?”

Heewoon fiddled with his phone and said cautiously. Gangwoo, who glanced at the phone, smiled and stroked Heewoon’s head.

“I’ll send it now.”

Heewoon sent a rough reply and stealthily watched Gangwoo’s reaction. Hmm? Gangwoo, who had raised one eyebrow, nodded his head.

“Good job.”

Gangwoo pulled Heewoon into a hug and patted the side of his thigh.

“I should praise you right away for a job well done. I forgot.”

“…You don’t have to.”

“What?”

“Nothing.”

Gangwoo asked again, so Heewoon answered timidly.

As soon as they got out of the car, a biting wind lashed their faces. Perhaps because it was by the river, it felt even colder. Gangwoo wrapped his arm around the shoulders of Heewoon, who was shrinking from the cold, and entered the restaurant.

Seo Gangwoo seemed nonchalant the whole time. To the point where Heewoon wondered if he was overreacting to Gangwoo’s words and misunderstanding things on his own.

The Han River could be seen outside the wide window. Gangwoo, who was admiring the night view, suddenly turned his head and asked.

“Would you like some wine?”

“Ah, no.”

Heewoon shook his head, his face pale. The mere thought of alcohol was horrifying. Gangwoo looked at Heewoon, who was shuddering, and smiled slightly.

“Alright, then.”

After that, they ate in silence. Heewoon kept glancing at Gangwoo. His mind was a mess. Whether the group leader’s accident was related to Gangwoo, and whether it was really because of him.

And if so, how much guilt he should feel.

“Um… Gangwoo.”

“Yes.”

When Gangwoo answered calmly, Heewoon started to speak with a very uncomfortable expression.

“By any chance, to other people too…”

“Other people what?”

Gangwoo asked while drinking water. Heewoon opened and closed his mouth a few times before shutting it tightly. It was difficult to bring it up first to Gangwoo, who was pretending not to know. And he didn’t know what he should say.

He didn’t dare to ask what the group leader had done so wrong or argue that this was going too far. If he upset Gangwoo even a little, he didn’t know who else might get hurt. The same went for asking why he was hurting other people when he was the one who had done wrong. After all, he was the one who had bad-mouthed the group leader. And he was the one who had nodded when Gangwoo said he wanted to kill everyone else.

“…”

The truth was.

They were all things he couldn’t say for fear of what Seo Gangwoo would do to him.

Heewoon lowered his head. He saw his own hands, placed on his thighs. He tried clenching his fists, but they didn’t look very strong.

“What is it.”

Gangwoo urged him gently, propping his chin on his hand.

“I thought it was over that day, so why again…”