Chapter 69
“I’m not trying to speak of some grand cause.”
That was the truth. Not even for a single moment had I ever tried to speak of a grand cause. To begin with, I didn’t even know what that truly meant. I was far too weak to define something like that.
“I don’t have any talent, and I don’t have luck either. If I want to learn even one thing, I have to put in countless efforts.”
That was everything about the life I had lived. There was nothing particularly outstanding about me. An ordinary person. Just an ordinary person who barely managed to stay in the middle.
No, actually…
‘A dullard who struggles desperately just to barely make it into the middle.’
I already knew my limits. No one needed to step in and enlighten me about them… I already knew. Because no one had watched me for as long as I had watched myself. The one who endured and lived through my entire life was me.
Only I knew myself completely. The life I had lived, and the reasons I made the choices I did.
“But do you absolutely need talent to have a dream?”
I had no talent. I had nothing. No family, no friends, nothing to my name. No money, no house, no car, not even a proper job.
So does that mean I shouldn’t dream of anything? Does that mean I shouldn’t hope to become something?
It was the same now. I couldn’t run well, couldn’t land precise strikes, and lacked strength. Even so, was I not allowed to try to live, to try to change my world?
Because it would be a nuisance? Because having lofty ideals without the ability to back them up is a burden on others? Then… couldn’t I just live as a bit of a nuisance? If I truly became a burden, I’d die while trying. And if it wasn’t a burden but a conviction, then someday I’d achieve it. Because I wouldn’t let go.
Do the untalented, the ordinary, have to just accept reality and live quietly? Why? Why must it be that way?
There’s no reason you have to die just because you’re not the best.
What even makes the “best” the best? If everyone were the best, then no one would be. The top 1%, the top 10%… if you don’t belong there, does that mean your life is a failure? Should the remaining 90% all be wiped out?
“This is my life. You’ve only seen me for a few days… you don’t get to demand that I prove my worth to you like that. I have nothing to prove.”
What did I have to prove to Leon Wolf? If you really thought about it, nothing. If I lost control while learning magic, I’d be the only one reduced to ashes.
If I chased after my ideals and ended up collapsing, then I’d be the only one left sitting in a pile of dust. That was all.
“It means I don’t need any persuasion or proof to walk my path.”
I walk my own path. No one needs to follow. It doesn’t matter if I’m the only one walking it. I’ve always been alone anyway. I was abandoned the moment I was born.
“If I have to persuade and prove my path to you, then you should have to prove something to me as well. Why is my path wrong? Why I shouldn’t walk it.”
If you want persuasion, then you must provide proof too.
Because I truly… honestly… could not see how this path was wrong. Not even a little. Just because it was hard, just because I might die, wasn’t enough to call it wrong.
‘This world is already a place where death is much closer.’
Leon Wolf looked at me. Not with hostility, but with an expression that had lost words.
“…Ha, you damned brat…”
The old man covered his face for a moment as he thought, then spoke.
“Do you truly… truly believe the path you walk is right?”
“Whether it’s right or wrong is secondary. I do it because it must be done.”
“And those who care about you? If you walk that path and die, what happens to those left behind?”
Leon Wolf still covered his mouth as he looked at me. In his gaze, he was projecting someone else onto me. Would that person have answered the same way I did?
Probably not. Ludwig Hermann was a far more noble person than I was.
“I don’t know about people who care about me. But the ones I’m responsible for…”
People who care about me? I wasn’t sure such people even existed. But there were those I was responsible for.
“They already know. That I’m walking a path where I might die without hesitation.”
They already knew.
They already knew I was heading toward death.
“They also know they can’t stop me.”
Lee Hoin, Cha Hyeongseo… they all knew. If you spent even a little time with me, it was obvious. That I lived recklessly. That I lived more prepared for death than anyone else.
“So before I die, I’ll do everything I can for them. Every moment, sincerely.”
Walking alongside someone who could die at any moment is the fastest way to develop anxiety. So until the very moment I die, I will manage their mental state, support them, and show them a path forward.
That was the atonement I could offer them.
—
[How noble.]
[And yet you’re just elaborating, at great length, on your selfishness.]
[It would be better not to make companions at all.]
[Struggling to survive while hurting others… is that truly so noble?]
—
Everything the narrator said was true. I was hurting Lee Hoin just to survive. At first, he had been horrified, but now he had simply accepted it.
Of course, I knew it was a necessary evil for him, too. If he broke down at every death, every near-death experience, he wouldn’t survive in this world.
But at the same time, I knew I was doing something I shouldn’t be doing as a counselor, as his counselor. This is why dual relationships are bad. This is why.
The old man let out a sigh.
“Why is it that people like you… never look back…?”
There was a deep sense of regret in that sigh.
“When everything is nothing more than a mere farce… why…?”
“…Because we have to step off the stage.”
You can’t keep dancing on a trap forever, playing along to the rhythm.
“I hate eyes like yours. No, ever since I realized that he was dying, I came to hate them. And yet, absurdly enough, I find them noble. I find myself relying on them. I hate that.”
His voice was filled with self-loathing.
“It’s right not to rely on anyone anymore. This world is finished. Ever since we lost him, it’s completely broken… This is a colorless, odorless, dying world.”
He covered his face. Every breath he took seemed to barely hold back overwhelming emotions.
“So don’t stir me up… Don’t walk around this world with those eyes.”
“Don’t act like you’re going to give this world hope. Let it wither and die as it is. Because even just having those eyes makes this world greedy again. So…”
“Don’t plant hope in this world anymore.”
“…I have no intention of staying here.”
“I know. You’ll return to your world to turn everything back. That’s why…”
“That’s why you provoke the world even more. If something becomes classified as something it cannot have, yet must have…”
“You damned brat… If this world recognizes you as ‘a seed that could become a new hero,’ it will do anything to raise your synchronization. Truly, anything.”
“….”
“This is a desperate world. A world that devours anything to survive. So be careful. The world hears everything. Perhaps even this very moment.”
I glanced to the side and looked at the synchronization.
[Sync: 40%]
It was hard to tell if that was high or low.
As I stared at the window in silence, I heard a click… as if something was being counted, and the synchronization rose.
42%.
“…You’re someone running toward death.”
Leon said quietly. Someone running toward death. A moth flying into a flame. Icarus soaring toward the sun, drawn by its beauty. Orpheus turning back at the gates of the underworld.
Foolish actions. Instinctive actions.
“I’ll help you. So that damned death of yours can be as brilliant as possible. So you can reach the highest place possible. So that even your fall… can become an example to others.”
The old warrior spoke.
“It will be ugly. There will come a day when everything is so ugly you can’t bear it. The world will, of course, demand sacrifice from you.”
I answered.
“I don’t care. As long as I achieve my goal.”
The warrior said:
“Even if you say you’re nothing, the world will naturally expect things of you. It will lean on you. Many things will pile onto your shoulders. Your life will always be placed on a scale against something called the greater cause of the world.”
I answered:
“Then I’ll remove the scale. I’ll break it and throw it away so nothing can ever be placed on it again.”
The warrior asked:
“Are you saying you’ll turn your back on the world?”
“If necessary.”
“Are you prepared for that?”
I answered:
“Yes. From the very beginning.”
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After all, this world wasn’t his in the first place
True