The Way to Love in the Place of Dead Chapter 31

The reason Kay couldn’t push away the hand slowly rubbing his back, even though it was cold, was because this act of his, unlike his usual teasing, felt like it held consolation. Don’t be sad. It felt like he was conveying that.

“It’s his nature as a soldier. Though as a human being, he’s defective.”

“…Isn’t it the opposite?”

“Opposite?”

“It could be a defect because he’s human.”

Or maybe even this is simply because he’s never loved anyone. Or perhaps, after a military life, he ended up embodying loss before love.

But even so, ultimately, the irony that imperfection completes a human.

“Kay.”

A faint laugh lingered in the sound of his voice calling the name.

“What.”

“…I won’t die.”

Perhaps the reason his heart dropped every time they talked wasn’t solely because he resembled El, Kay thought. Even though he goes out to fight every single day, and comes back exhausted. Even though he must know better than anyone that no one who dies on the battlefield wants to lose their life, Aran states it with certainty.

“So you don’t die either.”

Everyone fights for something. Struggles fiercely for survival. We, in this era, defer death in a way that costs us too greatly, just for the act of living and breathing.

“Because I think I like you.”

“…Why is it a guess?”

“Because I’ve never liked someone before?”

“Your words and actions don’t match.”

The hand grasping his back grew increasingly rough, turning into pressure.

“Yeah. They don’t.”

“Don’t just answer, get off me now.”

The quickened breath subsided and was warm before he knew it. When Kay lowered his gaze to Aran, whose entangled fingers didn’t easily let go even as he relaxed them, their eyes met.

“If you promise.”

“…”

“I knew it.”

By the time he belatedly closed his heart and pulled his body away, it was already after his inner thoughts had been read, just like the force spreading from the point of contact couldn’t be stopped.

“You’re thinking of dying, aren’t you?”

Confirming it through the silence, Aran opened his mouth.

“After this war ends.”

He was supposedly quite smart. He had lived with pride, believing he was quick-witted and confident in survival, at least. He lamented the stupidity that left him defenseless in front of this guy.

∞ ∞ ∞

Desire makes humans live.

For Kay, life was just that single wish, and if he confirmed El was dead through Aran’s proof, that alone was enough to be the final note of this life. That’s how it was, but.

“Is there nothing else?”

Since when had this guy started reading his mind like that?

“Even after confirming that person’s death, something that would make you live.”

“…There isn’t.”

“What about the people who would be sad if you died?”

“They’ll understand.”

“Then what about me?”

The hand that approached stealthily caressed Kay’s cheek, then toyed with the tip of his ear.

“I would be sad if you died, and I wouldn’t be able to understand your death either.”

“You seem to be misunderstanding something, so let me be clear. You’re not my person.”

“So?”

“That your sadness is none of my business.”

Even when he wanted to put distance between them, his back was against the wall, and even when he tried to avoid the hand, it persistently followed.

The resonance of guiding transmitted from the point of contact seeped into the gaps like words that rummaged through his inner thoughts.

“Liar.”

“It’s not a lie….”

Twitch. Unknowingly, Kay closed his eyes at the chills running down his spine.

After the war started in Limpus, usable guides in Willamere became even fewer.

So Kay always clung to even the faintest guide, to the point where rating them was difficult. It was only enough to wet the throat of a human dying of dehydration with a few drops of water, but the fact that it was the water of life nonetheless remained unchanged.

And as a creature of adaptation, as an Esper, he had always lived in a state of thirst, a state of restraint.

“…”

Until that kiss given by Aran.

“Open your mouth.”

Someone once said that the unrefined wavelength of an Esper resembles pent-up frustration. Kay, who had until now thought, ‘Is it to that extent?’, refused to let the hand touching his lips, starting from the skin that was being tinglingly swept over, continue to the mucous membrane.

“It’s just guiding.”

Kay glared, looking for an escape route. Inside the vast quarters, trapped between the wall and Aran, his strength drained from his body due to the one-sidedly suppressed wavelength.

“Don’t run away.”

He couldn’t escape this situation without using force, but he didn’t want to meekly accept guiding that felt like it had ulterior motives either.

“I think I’m starting to understand a bit how guides feel when they obsess over someone under the pretext of guiding.”

“…”

“You know, don’t you? That you’re in a state where you need to receive it. I don’t mind. Whether it takes touching you for three hours, or finishing in thirty minutes.”

Kay, who usually maintained his wavelength well despite being in a constant state of thirst, was half in doubt whether Aran had really noticed his condition teetering on the limit since the last battle, or if he was just trying his luck.

“I have to go out again, so just receive it before then.”

Of course, Kay also preferred finishing quickly rather than dragging it out long….

“I’m better than someone else, aren’t I? No?”

Come to think of it, it was something that didn’t necessarily have to be Aran. But without giving him time to think further or mull it over, the guy asked.

“You know what?”

“?”

“That the eyes are also a mucous membrane.”

His head rang. He tried to block the approaching hand, but even blocking it, he was pushed back by force, causing his head to hit the wall. It might have been because he had lost strength due to the subtly spreading guiding, but even after snapping his mind to full alertness, he couldn’t shake off Aran’s arm. Every time he tried to use his ability, a tingling sensation spread through his body from the tongue licking his eyeball, making his knees buckle.

“Ah.”

Aran’s arm supported Kay’s armpit so he wouldn’t collapse. The tongue moved from the eyeball to the cheek, and from the cheek to the lips where a moan escaped. No matter how he thought about it, it was an entangled, clingy mess too much to be called simple guiding.

“Stubborn.”

The tone, as if scolding him, left him speechless. The same face as that person, the same voice, saying the same words. No matter how hard he tried not to be conscious of it.

His very existence is both consolation and a wound.

One of the commonly accepted pieces of common sense about Espers, though not proven, is that the magnitude of the power manifested depends on the user’s will. Therefore, the higher the rank, the more strong-willed people were considered to be, and in fact, there were statistical results showing that higher ranks had greater tolerance for pain and suffering.

Whether that’s true, or if it’s a causal relationship from something else, no one knows, but one thing is certain right now.

No matter how strong someone’s will is, they wouldn’t be able to resist this feeling.

“Uhp, euh….”

He realized for the first time that the tongue and brain were connected this directly. A sensation that pounded the brain more intensely than tasting any extremely powerful food, a feeling as if all the strength in his body was melting away on its own. The irony of strength simultaneously entering his fingertips and toes involuntarily.

“Just… a mo… ment….”

Knowing it was a meaningless resistance, Kay still raised his hand and pushed Aran’s shoulder. Even at the light touch, Aran generously retreated. Licking the long string of saliva stretched across his lips.

“How far are you going to go?”

He had to draw a line now, while he still had some reason left. Even if this pleasure continued, it might become useless in the end, but it was better than nothing.

“If I say I want to go all the way, will you let me?”

Eye level lowered far below its usual. A voice laced with heat. A cool scent emanating from up close.

What Aran showed him. No, what he revealed. Every single thing was so stimulating it made his head spin. Unbearably so.

“If you’re going to do it, finish it quickly. Don’t do anything pointless.”

Aran laughed. Dazzlingly. In this world, Aran Rapperd is probably the only one so beautiful it makes him terrifying.

“Why are you laughing like that?”

“I just became sure of it right now.”

“Of what?”

“That you’ve never received guiding all the way to the end.”

Kay flinched, hit on a sore spot. It wasn’t like he had done something wrong. Nor was it something he was particularly trying to hide. He didn’t know why he felt like a weakness had been exposed for no reason. No, how did he even become certain of that from the conversation just now?

“Euh.”