Struggle Chapter 138

Seeing Taerok in a disheveled state of dress he would never normally be caught in, sprawled out on the floor, Nanyoung looked at him and Taerok rubbed his chin.

“…You sleep there?”

“As if I would!”

Nanyoung snapped back fiercely.

Taerok gave an “Hm,” and swung his long legs out of bed. Then he walked over to Nanyoung, and as if pulling out a radish, he scooped him straight up. Taerok draped his own gown over Nanyoung and, carrying him just like that, dangling, headed for the dining room. Unlike before, he hadn’t even supported the crook of his knees or the back of his neck; he really carried him like a radish, and Nanyoung was dumbfounded. But he didn’t even have the strength to wriggle free or get down, either.

“What should I give you? Water? Ice cream? Ramyeon?”

“…Ramyeon and water.”

Now that he heard it, he felt a bit hungry too, so Nanyoung mumbled.

Taerok set a pot on the stove and handed Nanyoung a full glass of water.

Yawning, he tore open the ramyeon packet, and his back and arms were a mess of fingernail marks. At least with that, Nanyoung took some comfort in his heart.

“Shall I drop an egg in?”

Instead of answering, Nanyoung shook his head, but somehow Taerok caught on anyway and only sliced in some green onions before serving it.

“Aren’t you eating too, Uncle?”

“I’m hungry too.”

No wonder the portion was very large.

“You eat ramyeon too?”

At the innocent question, Taerok looked at Nanyoung as if in disbelief.

“I’m a person too. What do you take me for?”

Grumbling, he ladled it into Nanyoung’s bowl first, then served his own.

The ramyeon was a little less spicy. Had he added a lot of water? But thanks to that, his throat, raw from all the crying, hurt less. This kind of consideration, this kind of tenderness…. Nanyoung felt that learning to adjust to Lee Taerok’s temperature would remain a distant prospect forever.

After putting the empty bowls into the dishwasher, Taerok even squeezed toothpaste onto a toothbrush and provided the full service.

“You’re being nice because you tormented me too much, right?”

Nanyoung’s voice still carried the remnants of tears. That made him seem even more like a child.

“No. I’m being nice because you’re my lover.”

This kind of consideration, this kind of tenderness….

In an instant, it gently tamed Nanyoung, who had been prickly just moments before. The quills he had raised like a hedgehog lay meekly down. Brushing his teeth dazedly, Nanyoung felt a gaze on him and looked at Taerok.

“…”

For a split second, the look in his eyes was enough to stop his breath.

Had he been looking at me with such eyes? Since when? Had he always been like that?

It was bashful. Nanyoung curled up.

He’s my first lover.

And probably my last, and that’s how it should be.

Taerok had said they would go to hell together, and Nanyoung hadn’t answered. But the moment Taerok said that, he had felt relief. Because he thought that was right.

After finishing brushing his teeth, Taerok naturally took Nanyoung back to his room. To the question of whether they were going to do it again, he answered, let’s just sleep. Meaning they would sleep in the same room together, even without sex.

Passing by his own room, Nanyoung thought, there would be little use for that room now. It was strangely natural. As if it had been destined to be this way from the start.

∞ ∞ ∞

The first month of the semester is very busy. Seniors buy meals for the freshmen, and the freshmen are frantic trying to adjust to university life, so vastly different from high school, while being strangely buoyant. Perhaps it’s due to the nature of the spring season.

Nanyoung was deliberating between the tennis club and the swimming club. He hadn’t exactly asked Taerok to choose for him, but Taerok said right away that tennis would be better. However, instead of forcing it, he only said this:

‘I’m going to keep leaving marks on your body. I’m not going to stop coming to pick you up, either. Whether others see or you show them, I don’t care.’

After hearing those words, how could he stubbornly insist on swimming?

Instead, Taerok said he would teach him swimming himself. And he smiled mischievously as he said it.

‘I’ll teach you so you’ll never be in danger of drowning anywhere.’

At that moment, how boyish he looked—for an instant, Nanyoung felt as if the two of them were just any other pair of lovers of the same age.

He always wears the ring. To the question of whether he has a lover, he’s flustered every time, but in the end, he answers, “Yeah….” Since many people are curious about his lover, he just says the person is older and mature, but a bit mean. Then some people meddle, asking if he’s okay, saying they’re worried, but Nanyoung replies that the two of them have no occasion to break up. People thought it was terribly saccharine and that he must really like the person, but there wasn’t a shred of lie in Nanyoung’s words. There is no occasion to break up. Because they were tied together by that kind of relationship from birth.

His parents ask if he’s really not lonely and say it’s okay to come anytime. The number of phone calls has been gradually decreasing, and with no word of when they’ll return, the hunch that they’ll live out the rest of their lives there deepens, but Nanyoung is neither regretful nor lonely. Wondering if this is independence, yet feeling relieved thinking that his family won’t ever find out—seeing this in himself, he really does seem bound for hell. Still, Nanyoung had no intention of leaving this place.

As for whether Lee Taerok is a lover who gives that much assurance, surprisingly, he is. He is indifferent, at times mean, and like his hands, mostly cold, but he is always affectionate in his own way. Especially when they sit close together reading, and Nanyoung happens to look up absentmindedly and sees in the mirror how Taerok is looking at him; or when he hears him call “Lee Nanyoung” while he’s asleep—at those moments, Nanyoung realizes it beyond doubt.

Lee Taerok loves me. And very much so.

When he feels that, for some reason, he wants to cry.

Lee Taerok makes me cry and at the same time makes me want to cry; he isn’t a lover who makes me laugh, so why is it that I like him this much?

Asking himself was a meaningless act.

Lee Taerok

I’m in the parking lot

His first-ever course registration was half a failure and half a success. Though he couldn’t manage to keep Fridays free, he was able to arrange his schedule mainly around afternoon classes on weekdays. It meant that except for his Monday and Wednesday morning major classes, he could wake up in the afternoon. That was good news for Lee Taerok more than for Nanyoung, and Taerok held Nanyoung steadily, every single day. Except for weekends, there were no days when he was as relentless as the first time, but he always did it at least once or twice a day without fail. Because of that, Nanyoung had to go about his days with the phantom sensation that his insides were pried open as if they belonged to Taerok.

Lee Taerok

Don’t run like before, come slowly

Even at Taerok’s characteristically curt texts, Nanyoung couldn’t help but quicken his steps. On the downward-sloping path to the parking lot, the number of people had dropped off sharply. Nanyoung walked as if flying among the fully bloomed spring flowers, which looked like a freeze-frame of the moment fireworks burst.

“Oh? Nanyoung. Where are you going!”

Just then, one of the seniors who was particularly fond of Nanyoung called out to him. To Nanyoung, who gave a bow in greeting, the senior asked in rapid succession.

“Coming from the library? Have you eaten dinner? We’re going to eat in a bit, want to come along?”

Nanyoung nodded his head, then immediately shook it.

“Yes. I just came from the library. I don’t think I can make dinner. I have a prior engagement….”

“Why. Who are you going to meet.”

The senior, cheerful and on good terms with everyone in the department and highly esteemed by the professors as well, grinned and asked playfully.

“Don’t tell me, that older lover of yours?”

Nanyoung paused for a moment, then smiled softly.

“Yes. I’m going to meet my lover.”

It still pricks him, and he feels guilty. He is afraid of the relationship that will inevitably be discovered by someone someday, since he can’t hide it forever. Even if Taerok shields him from the public gaze, the sense of sin will come flying like a pebble every day. Inevitably, Nanyoung makes a resolution each day, but at the same time, he grows weak each day too.

Nevertheless, what remains unchanged is that even if it hurts and torments him, Lee Nanyoung has decided not to leave.

“You’re in a good time. Eat something good and have a great date!”

Nanyoung bowed his head again and, with light steps, headed toward the parking lot. Almost running, but when the rear of Taerok’s car came into view, he stopped, smoothed his hair and clothes. Then letting out a hoo, he caught his breath and approached slowly. Just as he had the first time Lee Taerok had come to pick him up from high school to live with him.

Lee Taerok gazes silently at that Nanyoung through the side mirror, rubbing his cheek with his chin propped on his hand. He saw him come running, but he intends to pretend he didn’t. Then, he too tidies his hair and shirt collar in the rearview mirror.

Always like the first time, always forever.

“Hi, Lee Nanyoung.”

“Hello.”

My companion to hell, my lover.