Struggle Chapter 28

“Surely you do not think I would kill my own nephew?”

“…”

There was no way that would happen, but heaven forbid, what if such a thing really did occur? Sim Eung held a very low degree of trust regarding Taerok. It was only after the eunuch, his lips jutting out in a pout, left the room that Taerok stirred the thin rice gruel with the spoon. It was close to scorched-rice water, but milkier than scorched-rice water.

“Now that I look, Nephew, the color of your face is the color of this gruel.”

In the meantime, Nanyoung was on the verge of dozing off again.

Taerok clicked his tongue and climbed onto the bed. Only after gathering Nanyoung into his arms and leaning him against his propped-up legs did he retrieve the bowl of gruel he had briefly placed on the chair.

“You must eat to take the medicine.”

“I don’t want to eat… I’m not sick.”

“That is a claim I cannot believe until you say it while springing up and scampering about. Having learned nothing but lies all this time, it seems.”

“…”

“How could peeping at your uncle’s lovemaking be a dream.”

At those frank words, Nanyoung’s eyes snapped open. Even as Nanyoung glared at him resentfully, Taerok did not so much as blink an eye, for he was not the least bit frightening. Nanyoung appeared already convinced that Taerok had committed infidelity. Feeling no need to correct that misunderstanding, Taerok merely pressed the moist spoon insistently against Nanyoung’s lips.

“I’m going to say it was a dream.”

“Stubborn.”

Taking advantage of the gap when Nanyoung’s lips parted, Taerok slipped the spoon in.

The thin gruel was practically water that slid down without needing to be chewed, so it entered past Nanyoung’s throat in an instant, leaving no room for refusal. Once he had taken one mouthful, the following spoonfuls went swiftly and smoothly. Taerok accomplished the task of feeding the gruel as if handling a routine matter. In the midst of his daze, the bowl was empty. Nanyoung, who had little appetite and no interest in eating, was bewildered that the bowl was finished even while his tongue was still rough. Moreover, he had not detected any strange flavor; it had simply been comfortable.

Having placed the bowl back on the chair where he had been sitting, Taerok asked.

“That junior brother who came with you… what was his name. Are you close with the son of the Commander of the Capital Garrison?”

As soon as Nanyoung regained his senses a little, Taerok was treating him just as before. This was why Taerok was like a dream to Nanyoung. Not a nightmare, not a bad dream, nor a dream he had awaited. Merely an uncanny one.

“Just… we are close.”

Taerok thought about the Commander of the Capital Garrison. His assessment was that while the man knew his place, his true intentions were unreadable, making him still a sly old fox. What mattered was where he stood at the crucial moment. The Commander of the Capital Garrison was worth at least that much, but his son held no value whatsoever to Taerok.

“Do not be close with him.”

“Pardon?!”

Startled by words that sounded like an absurdly childish complaint, Nanyoung spun around. He was still held in Taerok’s embrace, so his chin and forehead nearly collided with Taerok’s. Taerok pushed away Nanyoung’s round forehead, which was pressed close, with his fingertips and drank some water.

“Because he does not seem like he would make a particularly good friend.”

“As you and Saon are, Uncle?”

“Why bring me and him up all of a sudden? Do we not appear to be good friends?”

Frowning as if to ask how they appeared, Taerok listened as Nanyoung, somewhat revived, chattered on.

“Do you not berate Saon every time, Uncle? Saying he’ll die early at this rate, to mind that tongue of his. Things like that.”

Speaking of tongues, Taerok caught a glimpse of the tip of Nanyoung’s tongue as it briefly showed itself before retreating. It was small and bright red. A tongue that knew its place, unlikely to grow long enough to wrap around its own neck like Saon’s.

“That is because he really does such things.”

“Junior Brother Suhwan is similar.”

“So he crosses the line with that mouth of his, I see.”

“…”

Unable to bring himself to deny it, Nanyoung merely substituted silence for an answer.

“…Uncle, you are a little strange.”

“In what way.”

At the indifferent reply, Nanyoung was about to say, “Exactly that,” but instead spoke more clearly.

“Perhaps because I am seeing you in a foreign land… you are unfamiliar. You seem somewhat more free-spirited… somewhat more…”

“More raw?”

“…”

“If anything, I would rather say it is being more myself.”

“Then in front of me, were you behaving unlike yourself?”

Then that would be a little saddening. Nanyoung cast his gaze down despondently.

At that question, Taerok thought it over carefully. Had he been unlike himself in front of Nanyoung?

But the answer that came after his deliberation was no. If he had been forced to feign a different appearance, teaching Nanyoung would not have lasted beyond a fortnight at most. Because there was no need to endure wearing clothes that were uncomfortable.

If so, then in the end, the image he showed in front of Nanyoung, though it was a little unfamiliar to himself and a puzzling sight to those who knew him, still meant that it was Lee Taerok himself. It was a somewhat unexpected conclusion. It was also something he had never troubled himself to consider.

“I behaved like an uncle in front of you, Nephew. Even if that may not be the image of myself.”

Taerok answered with his eyes gently closed.

“Do you not become unlike yourself when you stand before me, Nephew?”

Nanyoung was about to shake his head, but stopped.

At first, he had certainly been himself. But at some point, he became nervous and uncomfortable in front of Taerok. He became conscious of his every action. It was because, as Nanyoung grew, Taerok began to be perceived not as the guardian he admired and identified with, but as another person.

“The more I grow, the more difficult you become, Uncle. When I was young, I didn’t even know to be afraid of you…”

“But now I am frightening?”

“…I don’t know. Is it because I finally realized that, though I still admire you, I can never become a man like you, Uncle?”

Nanyoung murmured sorrowfully.

No matter how hard he tried, he could not become a man like Lee Taerok. He was a completely different being, and within Nanyoung’s world, he was unrivaled and unique. Seeing Suhwan and Taerok together made that feel even more palpable. There was no one who could replace Lee Taerok. Even Suhwan, whom he had considered similar, was nothing more than a pale imitation beside his real uncle.

“Uncle, how did you grow up to be like that? I cannot believe we are the same family.”

Nanyoung unconsciously acted spoiled. It was a petulant complaint that anyone else would have flatly pushed away rather than indulged, but Taerok accepted it with a laugh. What reason was there to be displeased when the nephew he was, in his own way, fond of was indirectly saying that he seemed far too impressive?

“Nephew, you are most suited just remaining as you are. The thought of a nephew who is similar to me—I would rather not even imagine it.”

“Everyone says that, but how many people truly like themselves just as they are?”

“…”

Though he could not say he liked himself, Taerok, who also had no particular feeling of dislike, wondered why this child was thinking such thoughts. They were utterly useless thoughts.

“Why do you live while thinking such things?”

Taerok asked without any ill intent.

“Is it because of the eyes of others? Don’t mind such things. In any case, apart from a few of your elders, there is no one in this country who can say anything to you, Nephew.”

“…It must be nice for you, Uncle. Such things must be easy for you.”

“Then what do you want me to do? Is there someone saying things? Shall I go rough them up a bit?”

Startled by Taerok’s unguarded words, Nanyoung turned around. “No, how can you say such a thing?” As Nanyoung asked with that gaze, his eyes rounded, Taerok looked at him with his temple propped on his index and middle fingers.

“A Grand Prince… shouldn’t go about beating others like that, should he.”

“Then my nephew should not go about cowering when he is a Grand Prince himself.”

Taerok retorted, mimicking Nanyoung’s manner of speech.

He had long known that Nanyoung was a lonely child. At first, he had not expected him to live long. And after he surpassed five, then ten years old, surviving each crisis, by then everyone around him was too busy growing up to understand his heart. Moreover, because he had become a nearly fully grown royal kinsman while still immature, Taerok had been able to perceive at a glance that Nanyoung was struggling to serve as a royal kinsman in his soft state.

“I just wish I were a somewhat praiseworthy man, rather than merely myself. If possible, a man you would be proud of, Uncle.”

“That would be difficult, wouldn’t it. Rather than being sick from overexerting yourself, my nephew living comfortably at ease would make me prouder.”

Nanyoung resented Taerok for not understanding his heart. But Taerok, too, was sincere. It was fine if Lee Nanyoung easily collapsed and took to his bed, so he could simply remain as Lee Nanyoung was. And that was neither displeasing, nor disappointing, nor irritating to him.