Struggle Chapter 90

Sim Eung did not answer, recalling the physician’s words. A member of the royal family who had left the palace could not return to the palace simply because he was ill. Those who could fall ill and those who could die within the palace were predetermined, and Nanyoung fell under neither category. Thus, Nanyoung had to endure it alone, without even a home. He was not to know the circumstances of his own household.

When Taerok returned to the palace with the Sunwibu, dragging the traitors, the palace was turned upside down on top of the national mourning. The opinion that no blood should be shed while still in mourning was a minority one. The evidence of their crimes was that clear.

“Then what is to become of things?”

This was the phrase spoken whenever those who knew the palace’s inner affairs gathered.

What is to become of the world, then.

Sim Eung kept his mouth firmly shut.

Of course, he had heard things. It was said that during the interrogations—the torture—conducted by the Sunwibu, confessions had emerged that they had intended to serve Grand Prince Baegan. But because the king had declared otherwise, those words, though troubling, had become nonsense to be quietly buried.

‘Grand Prince Baegan acted upon my command to seize the treasonous mob that harbored rebellious intent; he himself harbored not the slightest such thought.’

Some maligned Lee Taerok as a despicable man who would stoop to any means for his goal, utterly unfit to serve as a model, worse than a scoundrel. Others, having never imagined the king could devise such a scheme, began to see him in a new light, and conducted themselves with caution and humility.

Even by the time Nanyoung could barely manage to rise from his sickbed, Taerok was said to be so busy that he could scarcely visit his own palace once every three or four days. No one explained this matter to Nanyoung in detail. Even without explanation, Nanyoung could roughly surmise the full story from the context before and after, but what he needed was not the situation. What he needed was Taerok’s thoughts.

What thoughts had led him to begin this, what his heart was like….

And then, to Nanyoung in this state, Sim Suhwan came calling.

“When you sent me to that place, you should have steeled yourself, knowing full well what you were telling me to do and what you were letting me hear.”

Autumn was now in full spread, so the world was ripening into sunset hues, yet the wind alone was cold as a block of ice. The outer robe draped over his shoulders swelled and collapsed violently with the wind. Kneeling before him, Sim Suhwan’s face, too, was as haggard as if he had been as ill as Nanyoung.

“Be grateful that the flames did not spread to the Supreme Commissioner as well, and lie low for a while—that is the only advice I can offer you.”

At those words, Suhwan jerked his head up. His bloodshot eyes looked as though he were cornered.

“He is like an uncle to me as well.”

“…”

“Do you not know full well how my heart, my guilt, would be if you spoke so? I know, and the earth knows, how exceptionally dear my uncle is to you, young master…!”

Nanyoung stepped down barefoot and struck Suhwan’s cheek.

He lacked the strength, so it did not hurt, but because his cheek was somewhat frozen from the cold wind, it stung more than the blow warranted. Wiping his cheek, Suhwan glared back at Nanyoung.

“Save me. I beg you, save me.”

“…”

“Do I not possess knowledge of things?”

Nanyoung dismissed everyone around them. Once Sim Eung and all the others had withdrawn, Nanyoung spoke in a low, suppressed voice.

“Though my heart is not the same as the Grand Prince’s, you are as precious to me as my uncle is.”

Suhwan laughed bitterly. He looked like a madman.

“You are a precious person to me. And the young master is also precious to me, so do not force me to speak of what I know.”

“Do you dare threaten the Grand Prince?”

“Does it sound to you like a threat?”

“…Even if you spoke, who would believe such insane ravings?”

‘You must set your mind at ease….’

The physician’s voice merely passed through Nanyoung’s mind like a phantom. His insides throbbed dully…. Pretending to clutch his robe, Nanyoung pressed his arm firmly against his own chest and murmured, forcing coldness into his voice.

“Is it not truly insane raving. It is foul, filthy, unbelievable, and worse than a beast, so even if you were to speak, you alone would suffer torment for the crime of defiling and insulting a royal kinsman.”

Foul, filthy, unbelievable, and worse than a beast—insane raving.

Just as his skin stung and froze in the cold wind, Nanyoung’s mind, too, stiffened coldly at his own words. And starkly, he witnessed the truth. What sort of relationship lay between his uncle and himself, and how it would sound to the world.

“So… so do not waste your efforts….”

Foul, filthy, unbelievable, and worse than a beast—insane raving.

His stomach felt as if it would tear apart. His chest, too, felt as if a wildcat kitten were clawing and scratching at it. Nanyoung turned his body. He staggered, then clutched his chest.

“I told you to leave….”

At his fading voice, Suhwan rose, bracing his knee.

“Young master…?”

Nanyoung covered his mouth against the retching. But he had eaten nothing, and moreover, this was different from ordinary nausea. His chest was hot, his head spun. With a heave, he vomited. Something hot and wet poured over his hand. When he dazedly pulled away the hand covering his mouth, his palm was soaked with blood.

“Ah….”

A wretched body. What use was a noble birth? He could not properly swing a single sword, fell ill every season, and could not even govern his own internal fire. Whom could he protect, whom could he save? What was loyalty, and what was mutual punishment, when he could not even save himself?

The ground heaved. Unable to withstand it, Nanyoung collapsed as the wind pushed him.

∞ ∞ ∞

To collapse twice. Nanyoung was disgusted with himself. When he awoke, it was dawn, and outside, a scops owl—still not having departed, as if desperately clinging to what little remained of summer—was crying out.

“What is it waiting for, to keep holding on until it leaves like that.”

Not wanting to hear it, Nanyoung pulled the blanket over his head.

His mind was in turmoil. Surely it was because the political situation was so unsettled. Yet what was astonishing was that the world beyond the palace remained unchanged. Morning still came, the sun still set, and people went on living as before. The affairs inside the palace and the affairs outside were like two different worlds.

It was as if… everything was changing except for him. The kind of change that, once realized, would already be too late.

Was this the cold sense of futility his uncle had so often shown? Was that why his uncle had been so cynical?

Nanyoung could not stop thinking of Taerok. Because he could not know, he had no choice but to fill the unknown void solely with his own imagination. Imagination knew no limits, and within it, there was only Taerok.

With things as they were, there was no way sleep, once broken, would come again. Fainting would have served Nanyoung better. In the end, Nanyoung rose from his bed. Wishing to get some air, he threw on an outer robe, roughly tied his hair back with a single ribbon, and opened the door.

“Young master!”

Sim Eung, who had just been stepping onto the wooden veranda, opened his eyes wide in surprise.

“Are you well enough now?”

“I’ve been lying down so much my head is aching terribly.”

Nanyoung exaggerated his complaints out of embarrassment. But having just vomited blood, to Sim Eung it did not sound like an exaggeration but a gravely serious problem.

“Even so, it will not do. I shall brew a separate remedy for the headache, so please lie back down.”

“Ah, no. It was a jest, a jest. I came out because I wanted some fresh air.”

Awkwardly, Nanyoung pulled at his collar and adjusted it, muttering.

“And I was ashamed to have collapsed again, as well….”

“Ah….”

Sim Eung smoothed down his chest.

“It was I who was startled. You even received every visitor, even those you need not have met.”

In truth, the list of visitors one need not have met did not include only Sim Suhwan. To Sim Eung, Taerok had already become someone he did not wish to keep near Nanyoung, beyond simply being a royal kinsman.

Once he had met Yu Bongsu and learned that what he had only guessed at was true, everything fit together perfectly. How Grand Prince Heonui had been on edge after returning from the summer retreat at Sim Suhwan’s villa, unable to sleep at all and growing gaunt. How he had strangely carried a subtle, provocative air that had never been there before.

And this latest collapse—had it not happened after receiving Lee Taerok’s letter and departing on that hunt with him?

“I’m sorry. I know I must have startled you.”

Nanyoung apologized to Sim Eung, whose inner thoughts were so complicated. It would be good if he could declare that such a thing would never happen again, but since it was not something he could promise with certainty, he found it difficult to bring himself to say it.

Sim Eung fidgeted with his clasped hands and averted his eyes. His mind, too, was in equal turmoil.

“Young master.”

Sim Eung shut his eyes tight and opened his mouth.

“Yes?”

But… but….