Author: nicotine


“Ouch?! Hyung! Hyung! Ahh!!”

My brother ran towards me. He threw the pillow over me, pushed it, and buried me under the pillow.

I am a patient! Your brother is dying, you gorilla bastard…! That cry was muffled by the pillow that pressed my face. My younger brother only let me go and regained his composure only when I felt nauseous.

“You fucking kid! Are you going to wallow over it alone? You have to hold on to and talk to him or lose him altogether, why the fuck are you all by yourself?”

Won spit out an extremely angry sound with a look full of irritation. I zipped up my mouth because I knew it wasn’t the right time to speak up.

“It wasn’t the right time to shut up.”

Won pressed the pillow again and pressed me under it again. Fuck! Fuck! Don’t hit me, it hurts.


After smothering me with a pillow and blanket for a while, my brother sat down on the bed and turned his head to catch his breath. I was the one who was out of breath after being suffocated by the blanket, but here I was, looking like I was a wife beaten up by her husband and crying. Fuck you, you ignorant bastard. Psycholike bastard.

“It’s awkward as you said so I have nothing to say.”

Fuck, you mean you beat me up to hide your embarrassment? However, I was groaning alone in the duvet for fear that my older brother with filthy hair would hurt me more. After wielding violence, his older brother sighed and got up, perhaps calming down a little.

“I called your company and told them you’ll be taking a day off and that the doctor was here to give you a shot. The medicine is here so have them. Fuck, I thought you were trying to bury a dead body or something.”

Did I get a shot? I was a little surprised because it meant that I slept without knowing that. I drank too much and smoked cigarettes, given that I hadn’t smoked for a long time.

But it was even more astonishing to me that Won went to the doctor. My older brother could not possibly have a doctor as a friend, so how did he get the doctor to come to our house? Was my older brother more powerful than I imagined? No, if he knew a doctor, why the hell didn’t he treat the bruises on his face?

“But what’s wrong with your face?”

“I got beaten up. I won’t be home for a while. I came home to tell you that. Remember the number I gave you, call Hansoo if you need anything.”

Hansoo was the only person who was close to my brother, whom he told me about before. I had never contacted him, so I wondered if the number was still on my phone, but I nodded. I, too, was a strong man, and it was unlikely that I would feel any threat in the future that I had never felt in my life.

If there was a problem with me, now and in the future, it was only Jung Yiyeon. However, the heartbreak was a problem that no one could help with.

“Now that you’ve woken up, I’m leaving.”

“Ah…When are you coming?”

“I don’t know. Take some medicine.”

He stroked my hair briefly and left the house. After I saw my brother leave, I rubbed the corners of my throbbing eyes and closed them.

Fuck, fuck, suck. When I was alone, what came out of the roar that was worse than before was not nausea, but swearing.

Lee Nan, how stupid are you to delve into cigarettes and smoking again? I even let my brother find out about it. Pulling the blanket over my head, I struggled in agony. But when I moved my body a little, it felt like my whole body had been beaten, and a moaning sound came out of my mouth.

In the meantime, I was a little worried about the office. I wanted to turn on my cell phone and check if there was any call. But I couldn’t go to get my phone because I was hurting and tired so it was hard to get out of bed. I should have told hyung to bring it to me before leaving. I only regretted it later.

In the end, I struggled to suppress my desire to check my calls, saying that it would be better not to check my phone for the sake of my mental health. I’d rather think I was lucky because my body hurt.

It was about lunchtime on a Friday. I had to go to work anyway. I was able to rest for two more days. During that time, I had to push myself somehow. My body had become a mess, and my mind had become tattered.

I crouched down in the duvet, moving slowly. Jung Yiyeon came to mind again and I tried to ignore my throbbing heart. I closed my eyes, repeating over and over again that everything would be fine.

Resting at home from doing nothing might help with physical fatigue. But it didn’t take long before I realized that it wasn’t very helpful mentally.

Except for a few hours of taking medicine and falling asleep on the weak energy, when I was awake, I was in a lot of pain. I kept thinking of Jung Yiyeon and I felt depressed, and I remembered that I made a scene in front of Seo Jaeoh yesterday, so I kicked the blanket over in embarrassment. Of course, the one that bothered me the most was Jung Yiyeon. He fucked up the relationship between us.

What the hell was he thinking about having a relationship like this with me? Is it simply because of the satisfaction of desires? But I was sure he had feelings for me at times for a relationship rather than just sex. Why can’t you just close your eyes and try to make love?

… is it not? Is it all my misunderstanding? There were times when it was not bad to just live in this state, but was there any reason to cross a dangerous bridge? Even if it pained me like this sometimes, I should get used to it. As I got used to the pain, my feelings for him would gradually become dull.

However, it appeared to be terrible. Even though it didn’t happen very often, it broke my heart as a human being. I didn’t like his meeting other people, and Jung Yiyeon, who gave me a ride when I stated I was meeting other people, was even worse.

It felt like I was alone in the corner of the room and going crazy. Without knowing anything about the other person’s feelings, I was pushing, pulling, and making riots by myself, making vain imaginations and assumptions.

Would I ask him to date me or go crazy first?

It was at this time that I began to worry that doing this might harm my mental health because my thoughts couldn’t be changed and I was shaking.


With one brief vibration, the phone screen flickered.

Saturday afternoon. It was my phone, which had been quiet since my brother contacted the office. I glanced at the screen, and there were three syllables engraved on the screen. At those syllables, my heart plunges into a pit.

Jung Yiyeon, of course, usually asked me whether I ate my lunch or had a good weekend. So he wanted to contact his employee who took a sick day. It was the first time I took sick leave, so it could have been more than to greet me casually.

Rather, he could have been looking for me because he needed something. After all, I was a capable secretary who was very competent…

I didn’t know what to expect. What else do you expect and are you worried that those expectations will be broken? So I didn’t dare to check his messages even while holding my phone. The sound of my heart beating gradually grew louder.


When the cell phone in my hand began vibrating one after the other to alert me to an impending call, I let out an uncontrollable scream. I was astonished to find myself shouting all by myself, and I thought I was going insane.

I grabbed my phone and floundered. What should I do? Should I receive it? Hang up? I had never trembled so much when he called, but now my body felt like it was trembling more than the vibration of my phone. Meanwhile, the vibration continued uninterrupted. Before the cell phone vibrated more than three or four times, I was the one who received it unconditionally. But it already rang six or seven times.


… In times of crisis, action is always faster than expected. I was already on the phone.

 – Were you asleep?

“… Oh no. I was awake.”

– Are you home?

“Yes, home.”

 – Did you not see the message I sent you?

“Ah…Did you text me?”

– Yes.

“Anything wrong with the company…?”

The phone call became a little unstable. Perhaps he went downstairs or got into the elevator.

I asked about it, but he didn’t answer. In Jung Yiyeon’s silence, I also had nothing to say. My heart was pounding and I couldn’t speak. It didn’t seem like he was calling to greet me. There wasn’t even a question asking if I was okay or if I was in a lot of pain.

“Um… I’ll check your message in a moment.”

I said, tired of the silence. I thought I should check his message, which I had not yet confirmed. But over the receiver, Jung Yiyeon stopped me.

 – No, don’t take the trouble. Alright, come out for a while.

“… Yes?”

– I am ringing the bell right now?

I couldn’t quite follow what he was saying. If I had drawn this situation in a cartoon, four or five question marks would have been drawn above my head.

But in that moment,

Ding dong Ding dong

The old apartment doorbell rang out. At the same time, Jung Yiyeon’s voice dug into my ears.

– What are you doing? Open the door.

I suddenly realized that the thoughts in this man’s head would not be expected even if I died.

I got up from the blanket and opened the door. I doubted my eyes.

Am I dreaming right now? Should I start drinking less and smoking less?

Jeans, t-shirt, hooded jumper. Jung Yiyeon in sneakers was standing there. Unwaxed hair was running down his forehead naturally. We had been on business trips and I hadn’t seen him in comfy clothes before, but it was the first time I had seen him in jeans. It was something I had never imagined…him coming to my house like that.

“… Boss… ”

My voice comes out dryly. Jung Yiyeon glanced at me briefly, clicking his tongue, and only then did I realize that I was acting sickly.

I woke up in the morning to shower and brush my teeth, but I did not dry my hair properly and lay in bed again, so my hair turned into a bird’s nest. I didn’t apply any lotion, so my face looked as if I had experienced solitary confinement. My lips were dry and cracked. I hurriedly rubbed my face and washed my face, but it didn’t look better, I couldn’t even erase my embarrassment.

“Are you alone?”

“Ah… yes.”

“Did you have your meal?”

“…Not yet…”

Yesterday I wasn’t feeling very well, so I just ate on an empty stomach. Thanks to this, I stopped drinking and my condition improved, but my stomach was very sore. But it wasn’t that I didn’t eat but I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep properly, and I didn’t have any motivation, so I just laid down on the bed all day.

“I bought porridge. I bought a lot, but your hyung isn’t here?”


Are you crazy? What kind of boss comes into the house with porridge because his secretary is sick? But what happened next was even worse.

“Should we eat together?”


I didn’t understand, but Jung Yiyeon interrupted me and came in before I could say anything.

“Aren’t you going to tell me to come in?”


I heard my heart fall to the depths and be crushed.

Jung Yiyeon in my house. In my house, Jung Yiyeon.

No, maybe right now… Did he come to my house because he was worried that I was absent from work? Did he miss me?

I knew I shouldn’t expect that, but I couldn’t help but feel my heart swell. Of course, there might be reasons other than worry. For example, he wanted to check if I could satisfy his needs.

There was a palpable desire to devour me in Jung Yiyeon’s eyes as he stared at me.

It was his desire for me.

His desire to want me anyway, be it my body or whatever.


Lee Nan, you can’t get rid of this sick bastard.

“… Come on in.”

But I can’t refuse him.

My heart trembled just by looking at the black eyes sunken with desire, how could I reject him? I was so glad that that desire was directed towards me. The embers of the body, which had no energy, were ignited in an instant.

I took a few steps back as I watched him enter the house, and then I stretched out my arms towards him. He seemed to pause for a moment in his grasp, but then my arm wrapped around my waist.

I pulled the man into my arms a little more, hugged him, and poured a kiss on him. His breath on my lips was sweet. All the emotions that had mixed in his breath that permeated my chest melted in an instant.

The cure for severe chest pain, which I thought was non-existent, was right here. The dagger that cut through the heart healed my wound. This was an unbelievable situation like no other in the world. But I had no choice but to cling to this man.

The love I experienced for the first time couldn’t be this sweet and miserable.



Suddenly, a sharp sound pierced my consciousness, my mind sprung up, and my eyes lit up. I was shocked and my whole body was trembling. But at that moment, my back… My back hurt like it was broken.

Even if it wasn’t, the waist, which had been weakened by lying down, seemed to have broken down due to the intense exercise that followed. Maybe it was because Won had broken my bones before that.

Even while moaning, I kept my head long and looked at Jung Yiyeon. To be honest, I couldn’t help but look at him. It was like a dream to see Jung Yiyeon coming into my house wearing a T-shirt and sweatpants. Even the convenience store bag in his hand was too unrealistic.

“I borrowed some clothes. I wanted to stretch a little.”

… No… this is not a dream

For a moment, I wondered if I was in Jung Yiyeon’s house, not mine. As he was sitting comfortably on my bed as if he were at home, I wondered if this person had common sense.

However, the slight dissatisfaction disappeared as soon as he sat down on the bed and bowed his head toward me.

“Sleep more. I will wash up quietly.”

Whispering a low soft voice, he pressed his lips to my forehead. My head was dazed, and my chest tickled. Jung Yiyeon, who was looking at my blank face, smiled and kissed my lips lightly this time.

…No…Wait, time out. He was treating me like this lover… It’s so heartbreaking. Or Is it too sweet?

Why on earth was this man who didn’t like sharing a bed with anyone else to sleep on the same bed with me to wake up in the morning? I couldn’t believe that a man like him suddenly came into my house, and even slept in this small house, which was insignificant compared to his house. Even then, he didn’t go home and wore my clothes…

While I was immersed in confusion, Jung Yiyeon just finished taking a shower and came out. Jung Yiyeon came over to me as he wiped her hair with a towel while he was wearing only the jeans he had been wearing the day before.

At that moment, my heart was pounding again and it was hard to breathe. It was because the smell of the body wash he was using wafted from his body every time I took a breath. Of course, Won used the product I use for washing in this house, so it was no wonder that he smelled like me, but my heart was pounding like it was going to explode. Maybe it was because Jung Yiyeon, who was wet, was so sexy.

But instead of drying his hair, Jung Yiyeon frowned slightly and asked.

“Do you smoke?”

“…Ah, sometimes.”


It was then that I realized that I had not yet removed the makeshift ashtrays which were filled to the brim with cigarette butts. As I was spending such leisurely time with Jung Yiyeon, the moment I smoked because of Jung Yiyeon was so painful that I felt even more stupid.

On the other hand, I became sick after doing that, and my hyung was worried, but it was absurd to accept Jung Yiyeon, who came to me again because he was hungry for sex. I was content at this moment since I didn’t care what happened, but I was pitiful because I was so easily misled by my feelings.

“… Just a little, sometimes, I tend to drive and smoke.”

After being told, Jung Yiyeon looked at the plastic bag from the convenience store he had brought when he came in, so I wasn’t sure if he heard me out or not. As he sat down on the bed and I watched what he was doing, he ended up taking out a lunch box from a convenience store.


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