Author: nicotine

“Is Yiyeon hyung in?”

Because of a man who suddenly appeared.

“Yes… Ah, just a moment. Wait-”

A man in a light jade-colored thin knit sweater rolled up his sleeves, revealing his wrists. It was Min Seowon. Before I could alert Jung Yiyeon, I couldn’t stop him from opening the office door and entering. When I followed him in shock, Jung Yiyeon was already looking at us, his eyes wide with surprise. Almost instantly grasping the situation, he sighed heavily with a stiff face.

“That’s enough, go out, Secretary.”

“I apologize, sir.”

“It’s okay.”

If only I had asked Min Seowon to leave, I wouldn’t have felt so bleak. No… If only I hadn’t looked at his wrist.

The sound of my heartbeat felt like it was tearing through my ears. My chest hurt from the force of my heartbeat. I couldn’t think of anything else.

After closing the office door and sitting back at my desk, I sent a message to Secretary Park. I didn’t want to believe what I had seen with my own eyes. I hoped it was just an illusion that the bracelet on his wrist matched the one I had seen multiple times on the jewelry brand’s website.

– Secretary Park. Have you ever delivered a bracelet that the boss asked for before?

I hoped it wasn’t true. If it was as famous among celebrities as I heard, maybe Min Seowon having it was just a coincidence. I hoped and hoped.

– Yes, he called me yesterday evening. He asked me to deliver it to a long-term guest in the Sweet Suite. Didn’t you know?

Secretary Park’s message was brutally cruel to my heart. In that moment, it felt like my heart stopped beating.

A long-term guest in the Sweet Suite.

Those words wouldn’t leave my mind. I searched the company network as if possessed. Guest list. Even though I told myself not to check, my fingers moved involuntarily. The hand controlling the mouse was shaking, but I couldn’t stop.

Sometimes in life, there are moments that leave no room for doubt.

The guest list contained the name of a man who had been staying in one of the suites for over a month. No matter how many times I looked, the name didn’t change. I didn’t want to believe it, but I had no choice but to believe it. Perhaps I had seen it wrong. It was just my eyes playing tricks on me, an illusion. I wiped and adjusted my glasses, hoping against hope.

Min Seowon. The name occupying the Sweet Suite had never changed.


It was time to leave. Jung Yiyeon sat in the backseat, his face full of fatigue, splashing water on his face for a quick wash. As I glanced at him through the rearview mirror, a deep sense of shame swept over me.

At lunchtime, when Min Seowon appeared, Jung Yiyeon had lunch with him.

“I thought you forgot my birthday. It’s so touching, hyung.”

With an affectionate look in his eyes and a continuous smile, Min Seowon revealed that the bracelet I hoped was for me was actually a birthday present for him.

In that moment of realization, I couldn’t help but mock myself. It was embarrassing. A sharp voice in my head scolded me.

Ah, you idiot. Did you really think Jung Yiyeon liked you? Did you think a man who doesn’t even love you would give you a gift?

My reason mocked me so mercilessly. No one would know about my expectations, yet I felt utterly ashamed as if everyone knew.

Simultaneously, my mind sought to rationalize.

But it wasn’t directly from him. It was through Secretary Park. We were always together, so there was no time to meet Min Seowon separately. He must have come to the office on his own.

But the truth was… If the French restaurant that took me was originally meant for Min Seowon, and I was just a substitute because the plan went awry…

At the end of my rationalization was a despairing forecast. I tried to reassure myself that it was all an exaggeration, but everything I thought seemed like a delusion.

Upon careful consideration, it wasn’t yet the worst. Jung Yiyeon’s attitude toward Min Seowon still retained a certain distance. It wasn’t my imagination. Unfortunately, Min Seowon clung while Jung Yiyeon pushed away.

I cannot assume that this is evidence of Jung Yiyeon liking me. Even though I read his affection for me in his behavior, now I doubted everything. It was just a guess, a mirage.

I didn’t want to think about it, but the recurring thought troubled my chest. It felt both sharp and blunt, piercing and striking.

It hurt. It was tormenting to oscillate between heaven and hell over mere emotions. I tried to turn the positive circuits to avoid pain, but I feared that might not be the reality. Anxiety gripped my heart. The emotion of despair pained me.

Jung Yiyeon, who had gone out for lunch with Min Seowon, returned after just an hour. It was a short time for something significant. Yet, I couldn’t be sure that nothing happened.

I wanted to check if there were any marks on his body left by removing his shirt. Resisting the urge to suddenly lift my head was immensely difficult.

Lost in endless thoughts, my mind sank into the abyss like a shipwreck in the open sea. There was no end, just a deep, unfathomable void. There were moments of rage, but it always ended in agony. Breathing felt burdensome. I couldn’t grasp how this afternoon had passed.

And when it was six o’clock, what were my emotions when Jung Yiyeon said he was leaving for home?

Damn it, there were still faint marks of my fingernails on Jung Yiyeon’s back. Is it your preference to carry traces left by one man while meeting another, you bastard? My anger was uncontrollably growing.

But soon, I felt unworthy even of my anger. Damn it, what kind of relationship do I have with Jung Yiyeon? What right do I have to be mad about him giving Min Seowon a gift for being something to him?

We decided from the start to exclude emotions.

“We’ve arrived.”

I parked in front of his apartment and spoke. Thankfully, my voice sounded as usual. I had long tried not to show any liking for him.

“Hmm? Aren’t you coming in?”

He asked as I stopped on the ground floor entrance without entering the parking lot. Though his face showed exhaustion, there was no sign of desire. Maybe it’s alright to be relieved that nothing happened between him and Min Seowon during lunch.

No, damn it, what’s the point of that now?

“Have a good rest tonight. It seems like you need some rest.”

I prayed for my voice to be just like usual. Just the misconception that he might gift me made my heart ache, but I didn’t want him to know that I was hurt by him giving the gift to someone else.

“I sleep better alone. Just go inside.”

Jung Yiyeon was persistent in certain aspects. If this stemmed from affection for me, how wonderful would that have been?

“Or is it that you’re tired?”

“…It’s not that.”

There were moments when I felt glad that Jung Yiyeon felt desire towards me. Just this morning, I willingly gave him oral in the office to console him.

But now, being with Jung Yiyeon was simply impossible.

“I have an appointment.”

I had reached my limit.

Although it was me who hinted at sex tonight by suggesting an early leave, I refused him by citing an appointment.


Jung Yiyeon nodded as if he finally understood. I got out of the car and opened the door for him to step out. It was rare to have such a standoff at his doorstep, as we often parked and got out together.

Jung Yiyeon extended his long legs as he stepped out of the car. My gaze fell on his firm legs enclosed in slacks. I vividly remembered the moment I pleasured him orally. Even after tasting his ejaculation, I felt joy and pleasure.

“I’ll come to pick you up in the morning.”

Now, I was profoundly sad. My pride was wounded, and I wanted to bury my head somewhere. Was it because I performed oral sex on you in the office today that I felt these emotions? The thought of cooling down my flushed face in the restroom and removing traces of semen from my face and hair made me even more miserable.

Yet, I also had the desire to grab his hand and enter his home. I had decided not to push and pull. There had been times when I resolved to be pulled along whenever he’d pull because I didn’t want to lose him.

“Let’s meet tomorrow, Secretary Lee.”

However, right now, I couldn’t face Jung Yiyeon under any circumstance.

It didn’t seem possible to maintain composure in front of a man who told me not to expect love from someone who didn’t love me. I couldn’t muster the courage to say, “I actually love you, please accept my feelings, and don’t look at anyone else.” I wanted to question why he gave a gift to Min Seowon and had a meal with him.

Jealousy and possessiveness were pushing me over the edge.

I thought even just having a sexual relationship would be fine. When I believed he only had eyes for me, I could delude myself into thinking he was mine alone. I could be content.

But now? Just by having lunch with another man, I felt like I was going insane.

At least I needed time. I needed time to compose myself. If Jung Yiyeon were to touch me now, I’d collapse and break down.

But because Jung Yiyeon was still my superior, in my position as a secretary, I intended to wait until he entered. Normally, he would have left without hesitation.

During that moment I expected him to act as usual, Jung Yiyeon suddenly turned. It seemed he hesitated a bit.

“Secretary Lee.”

“Yes, sir.”

After suddenly calling me, he seemed to hesitate for sure. He appeared to be contemplating whether to say something to me. What did he want to tell me?

However, after a slight pause, the words that flowed from his lips were as follows:

“…Um, let’s meet tomorrow.”

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