Author: nicotine

Since when had I attached such meaning to sex? Touching, getting excited, mutually exploring each other more passionately, and then climaxing in the pleasure of release—that was the only enjoyment I sought in sex. So, what was sex to me now?

“Let go, you son of a bitch!”

Why were these words so unpleasant and disliked?

Yelling, I forcefully pushed away Jaeoh, who was pressing down on me haphazardly. It felt like he had kicked me with his foot. Unexpectedly, either due to not anticipating my strong resistance or being unable to control his body in his intoxicated state, Jaeoh stumbled backward.

I was angry. Was I angry because Jaeoh touched me forcibly? No. It was just annoying. And Jaeoh was someone who, if he wished, I could willingly accommodate at times. He was undoubtedly that kind of person to me.

But now, it was unbearable. The hand touching me was not Jung Yiyeon. The fact that it wasn’t the hand of Jung Yiyeon, and the realization that I felt not even 1 gram of excitement in another man’s touch, was infuriating.

It was incredibly frustrating and annoying. My anger towards Jaeoh exploded.

“Get out.”

“…Lee… Lee Nan… I…”

Jaeoh’s face, looking at me, was severely distorted.

I could understand the act of trying to touch someone you liked due to losing control under the influence, even though it was an act that should not have been done. Wanting to touch someone you care about might be considered an instinctive desire. Since I, too, was someone who couldn’t escape from that desire, I could understand.

But damn it. It annoyed me even to acknowledge that I understood that desire. Because I, who liked Jung Yiyeon, kept wanting to touch him. Because I knew the miserable pain of unrequited love. Damn it, I couldn’t stand even the fact that I understood the pain of unrequited love.

“Aren’t you leaving? Should I leave, then?”

I didn’t want to be angry with Jaeoh. But the only one causing my anger was Seo Jaeoh. His emotions were burdensome and unpleasant. Even recalling my own love’s pain was distasteful.

Could my feelings toward Jung Yiyeon be like this, by any chance? No, it would be even more dreadful. While the clinging Jaeoh seemed pitiful on one side, Yiyeon would simply find me repulsive.


Jaeoh lowered his head and mumbled. However, I didn’t want to accept his apology.

“Get out.”

All I could do was clear Jaeoh from my sight. Even though I knew it would cause Jaeoh significant pain, I was too distressed to care for him.

Eventually, Jaeoh staggered but got up from his place. Holding his clothes, he left my house. As if hoping I would hold him back, he glanced back at me once, but I didn’t even look at him.

I heard the sound of him leaving. The sound of the door closing followed. I hugged my knees and bowed my head deeply. I wanted to stay crumpled like this, wedged into a dark and narrow space.

I couldn’t understand why I felt so dirty. It was sad and painful. The emotions I felt when Jaeoh touched me. My persistent and petty attachment to Jung Yiyeon, which didn’t break, hurt too much.

Jung Yiyeon. I thought of Jung Yiyeon. No, I tried not to.

Jung Yiyeon. But that name would never be erased from my mind.

I rejected Jaeoh, who wanted me. But you, who claims not to have feelings for me…

Since I hadn’t drunk much, my consciousness was clear. Still, I couldn’t stop the impulses bubbling inside.

I called Jung Yiyeon. Despite knowing I would regret it, those emotions that couldn’t stop me from acting on my urges tempted me. I couldn’t bear the feeling without seeing Jung Yiyeon right now. Perhaps, I wanted some confirmation.

The signal sound was cut off.


The person who answered the call didn’t say anything. I felt like crying for a moment. I should have just not called. I should have hung up without even answering. Why torture people like this?

“…I want to see you now.”

Since your words were so ambiguous, I couldn’t help but blurt that out.

“I miss you….”

I end up being so clingy like this. I should have just not answered the phone. Because when I answer, I find myself leaning on you again.

I was sure you would come to pick me up today, just like you did every day for the past two months. However, unlike usual, there was a brief moment of silence from Jung Yiyeon.

After a while, I heard a long exhale.

– Can’t do it today.


It was a rejection. Perhaps an unexpected rejection that I didn’t hope for.

I wanted Jung Yiyeon to reject, refuse, and ignore my contact. I thought that if he could cut off the emotions that I couldn’t sever from my side, I would be able to sort things out as well.

Therefore, I felt that Jung Yiyeon should cut me off. I felt a mix of joy and misery when he responded to my contacts and came to pick me up. I hated myself for having to contact him, and I also despised Jung Yiyeon for treating me like an object, coming to me, and having sex.

…But now that I’ve truly been rejected.


My mind went blank. Thump, thump, thump. My heart was beating too strongly, to the point where my chest hurt.

So, once again, my mouth blurted out on its own.

“I’ll wait at the residence.”


“I’ll wait. It’s okay if you’re late. I’ll be waiting.”

My emotions begged him on their own. Without pride, without shame. Even though I hated and despised him so much. It felt worse than what Jaeoh did. Knowing that my emotions were begging for him, despite being aware of that.

I felt like I would go crazy if I didn’t see him right now. Even though I wasn’t drunk, I couldn’t control myself. It felt like I had already lost my mind.

-…Okay, then.

Permission was granted. Jung Yiyeon provided instructions on how to enter the residence and then hung up. My heart pounded as if it were about to burst. Regret flooded me as I ended the call. I couldn’t understand how I could act like that while sober.

Nevertheless, my feet were still heading towards Jung Yiyeon’s residence. I thought I had already fallen apart, considered the ground as the bottom, but it turned out there was still a deeper fall waiting for me. However, it didn’t matter.

The time Jung Yiyeon arrived at the residence was close to one in the morning. I had spent hours alone, feeling like I was going crazy. There were moments when I entered the residence, waited, and then almost left again. I wanted to run away because it felt insane to be doing this, wearing only a bathrobe. Shame and humiliation mixed with self-loathing, creating a tumultuous mess.

Despite everything, all I could do was quietly wait for Jung Yiyeon. I couldn’t leave the residence. The truth was, I missed Jung Yiyeon so much.

I wished that if I endured waiting all night and faced the wind, my mind might calm down a bit. At the same time, I hoped Jung Yiyeon wouldn’t come. Yet, I also wished desperately for him to come.

It would have been better if I could at least fall asleep. However, in the midst of anxiety and sadness, sleep eluded me. Time seemed to stretch endlessly in the silent space.

When I heard Jung Yiyeon entering, it felt like my heart stopped. It was strange. Even though my mind had been so cluttered, the moment I realized Jung Yiyeon had come, all rational thoughts flew away.

I missed him. Only longing remained.


Did he come out from work? I moaned, looking at the man in a suit. Jung Yiyeon’s gaze turned towards me. I awkwardly stood there, gazing at him.


Jung Yiyeon sighed. Taking a step back, he swept his hand through his hair. Strands falling back and revealing his forehead, his tired face was noticeable.


I, who had been silently watching, moved towards him as if possessed.

The fact that he came to see me even though he had said it wouldn’t happen today was touching. Despite knowing that all Jung Yiyeon wanted from me was sex, the fact that he came meant the unyielding affection I felt for him surged up.

But why do you look so tired today of all days? Despite my own chaotic state, I couldn’t help but worry. Seeing him looking weary from work momentarily made my heart ache.

I wanted to embrace him, kiss him. How did I end up loving a man who doesn’t love me in return?


However, what stopped my attempt to embrace him was his cold voice.

“Let’s stop here.”


“No sex. I’ll be leaving now.”

I couldn’t grasp Jung Yiyeon’s words for a moment.

After coming all the way here. Why on earth?

Even if he saw me as merely a tool to satisfy his desires, I didn’t mind. If that meant feeling Jung Yiyeon’s warmth, I didn’t care about my own misery right now. He seemed so desperate. It was also a desire to comfort him in his exhaustion.


But he refused. If that’s the case, then why did he come all the way here? He could have just rejected me outright on the phone. My question ‘why’ carried that meaning.

“Because you seem too emotional right now.”

However, it seemed Jung Yiyeon thought I was asking why he didn’t want to have sex with me.

“In this state, it would be better not to do it.”

His response left me utterly dumbfounded. It was an absurd excuse.

When was there a time I wasn’t emotional? After rejecting his confession, I couldn’t cut off my lingering affection and called him after drinking. When was I ever purely rational?

I was hoping for rejection from Jung Yiyeon. It seemed like if he rejected me and turned away, I could sort out my feelings. I expected it to be incredibly painful, but after the initial sharp pain, I had a vague hope that things would get better.

“Secretary Lee.”

However, I didn’t anticipate that the man who had been fulfilling his desires using my emotions would now express his intention to reject me. Anger surged within me. It was different from the desperate feeling when I heard he couldn’t come over the phone.

The words of rejection coming from his face, once again, were shockingly devastating. It felt as if it were that day again, the day he confessed his feelings and then coldly rejected me.

Jung Yiyeon drove a wedge in here.

“I don’t have the luxury to entertain the emotions of Secretary Lee right now.”

…Ha. What a ridiculous statement. When have you ever acknowledged my emotions?

Without waiting for my response, Jung Yiyeon turned away.

He was a person without even basic courtesy. An individual who used to overflow with manners now treated me as if I were nothing. Even while enduring such treatment, why did I love you and cling to you? Why does my heart not follow my own wishes?

I grabbed Jung Yiyeon’s arm. I couldn’t bear the things exploding within me any longer.


“Has boss ever cared about my feelings or my mood?”


“When did I ask boss to be in a relationship? Have I ever asked for anything other than sex?”

Because all you want from me is outside of my body. So, I didn’t speak to you.

I just contacted you to come over, and I opened up to you when you came to meet me. I endured your crude affection and selfish penetration with my legs spread wide, because that’s what you wanted. Only that sex was an excuse for us to meet.

I knew all too well that only that was allowed for me.

So, when did I ask you to understand my feelings? When did I ask you to comfort me? Damn it. Damn it, Jung Yiyeon, you bastard.

“I called because I wanted to. I contacted you because there’s nothing else in my head except for what satisfies my desires.”

I couldn’t stop my mouth from speaking.

“…Secretary Lee.”

Stop it. Don’t call me as if you’re exhausted like that.

My heart ached intensely. My head throbbed loudly. A severe headache tormented me to the point where the corners of my eyes twitched. There wasn’t a part of my body that didn’t hurt. Of course, the most painful thing was my heart.

“You came because boss feels like it too, right?”


“So if you came, shut up and let’s just have sex.”

Don’t whine about my emotions like it’s something disgusting.

Just like how you always treated me as a convenient sex partner, do it the same way today. Because I need you even if it’s just like that right now.

In reality, I want to get angry and question you. If you were coming to pick me up in response to my call, why did you reject me? What exactly do you see emotions and feelings as?

But if I bring that up, knowing you, you’d leave without any hesitation, so I chose to keep my mouth shut even though my insides were a mess. I couldn’t express it to you, even though it stained my insides.

But now, rejecting me while complaining about my emotions, what do you expect me to do? Damn it, if you were going to reject even sex in the end, you should’ve just rejected me from the moment we first met on that street…!


I don’t know how I looked to Jung Yiyeon. But he let out a short, irritated breath filled with annoyance. He pulled away my hand that was still holding onto his arm.

“Fine. Let’s do it then.”

His voice was cold and rigid, echoing with a chill. The handsome face that had captivated me at first sight was now filled with disdain towards me.

He pulled off his tie with a fierce attitude. The arrogant jawline pointed to the bed.

“Alright, get up there and lie down.”

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