Author: nicotine

The moment I recognized it, my heart started pounding like crazy. It felt like my heart was about to break through my chest with the speed and intensity of its beats. At the same time, I couldn’t erase the overwhelming sense of anticipation filling my chest.

Perhaps something was really changing. Even though I knew I shouldn’t have any expectations about Jung Yiyeon, I couldn’t help but feel excited and thrilled. The desire for him was as strong as the painful times I had experienced. That feeling was still ongoing.

It might be just my imagination again. Despite repeating that to myself over and over, I couldn’t shake off the excited and fluttering feeling. The subtle changes in his actions gave hope to the part of me that yearned for Jung Yiyeon.


Jung Yiyeon’s feelings are now leaning toward me. That seemed to be the only hypothesis explaining his words and actions that soothed me when I cried, came to my house, and promised a meal next time.

People are truly cunning creatures. Lately, it felt like there was always a big bruise on my heart. Or as if a big hole had opened, making me feel empty and helpless to endure myself.

But Jung Yiyeon being just a bit kinder seemed to have improved my situation as if something significant had changed. I used to be unable to stand being alone, resorting to contacting acquaintances to have a drink, but now I didn’t feel like having a sip of beer. Instead, I wanted to spend time waiting for him alone.

But I was frustrated.

He suggested having a meal, but when should we eat? Was it okay for me to contact him first and suggest a place to eat, or should I wait for him to message me about his daily routine, like whether he arrived well at work? I couldn’t figure out the right approach. All I could do was wait for Jung Yiyeon’s message, and this made me feel restless.

Maybe I should just drink and pretend I couldn’t resist the alcohol, then contact Jung Yiyeon.

Even though it had been only a day since he visited my house, I felt like dying because of my obsession.

Previously, I didn’t have such an anxious feeling, as I thought he would never be mine. However, now that Jung Yiyeon hinted at something, I was incredibly curious about his thoughts. The sudden visit to my workplace from the office might mean he missed me. Just like how I pretended not to know by saying I didn’t understand, maybe Jung Yiyeon was gradually realizing his feelings for me.

Well, whatever. Jung Yiyeon is not a lunatic. If he didn’t like me, he wouldn’t have treated me so kindly. Even after suggesting to break up, he came out whenever I contacted him, and the only explanation was that he had feelings for me. Thinking about it that way, the misery I felt at that time seemed like nothing.

Jung Yiyeon, who wrapped his hands around my cheeks and kissed me, licking my eyes along the trails of tears. Jung Yiyeon, who was deeply buried between my legs, excitedly drinking my tears even more. …

…As I thought about it, the space between my legs tightened. I wanted to touch Jung Yiyeon’s bare skin. I wanted to do all sorts of naughty things with him. I had never liked penetrative sex like this before, but it felt so good with Jung Yiyeon. It seemed like I wanted to feel that satisfaction again, connected with him.

Should I contact him?

I hesitated, picking up and putting down my phone repeatedly. However, it felt a bit awkward to contact him after just one day. It was not about preserving my pride; I was genuinely confused about whether it was okay or not. I felt impatient, yet I lacked the courage in my current state.

I was acutely aware of the relative length of time. There used to be days when I was so busy that, after blinking once, the morning sun had risen, and it felt like I was constantly in a hurry. But now, with nothing to do all day, time passed so slowly. It was incredibly challenging to endure the long and slow hours, filled with excitement, nervousness, impatience, and restlessness.

Then, around seven in the evening.

At the sound of the doorbell, I bounced off the bed like a spring. There had been a visitor during lunch, a parcel sent by my brother. Except for that parcel, there was no one else who would visit me at home, so it must be Jung Yiyeon this time. If he didn’t want to go out, maybe we could just grill some meat at home. Thinking that way, I swung the door open.

“…Lee Nan.”

At the sight of the large man standing in front of the door, I froze for a moment.

Damn it. I guess I need to install a visible intercom at the door. Living in an old apartment with two men, I never thought that not replacing the outdated intercom would lead to this regret.

The visitor wasn’t Jung Yiyeon. Standing in front of my door was Seo Jaeoh, who I had never expected. I hesitated for a moment, stiffening at the sight of his tearful face.


Despite irritation building on his face, there was undoubtedly a heaviness in a corner of Seo Jaeoh’s heart toward me. It was probably because Seo Jaeoh was somewhat special to me, unlike other guys. Setting aside our sexual relationship, he was someone I cherished and liked quite a bit. Moreover, he had tried to help me when I was wandering after quitting the company, and there was a certain gratitude towards him.

Come to think of it, I had forgotten about you. There were still unresolved matters between us. I thought that I had rejected a drunken Seo Jaeoh, and that was the end of it. His unexpected visit caught me off guard.

…Of course, Seo Jaeoh always made efforts to reconnect with me like this.

“I… I want to apologize.”

Seo Jaeoh struggled to open his mouth with a strained voice.

“…That day, I, under the influence of alcohol… No, that shouldn’t have happened. I have no excuse. I’m sorry.”

I pondered for a moment about what I should say to him, seeing his head bowed deeply and his gaze avoiding mine. Should I comfort him or say something to break the silence? I hesitated for a while.

It wasn’t that I was angry with Jaeoh. It was just burdensome to deal with his emotions. Rather than feeling angry or unpleasant, I felt grateful and sorry for him.

…Besides, didn’t I also know the painful feeling of unrequited love?

If I had loved you, it would have been really nice. If I had warmly accepted your affection and reciprocated it, we both would have been truly happy. Why did the direction of our affections always seem to be mismatched?

“…Come in, for now.”

I invited him into my house out of sympathy.

Perhaps it was because things were gradually resolving with Jung Yiyeon that I felt more relaxed than before.

He seemed surprised when I told him to come in, as if he hadn’t expected it.

“Because mosquitoes might come in. Come in and talk. It’s a bit awkward for two men to have this kind of conversation in the hallway.”

“Ah… Sure…”

When I stepped back, Jaeoh entered the house. As he came inside, his gaze wandered around the house, and it seemed like he noticed that I had tidied up. Jaeoh must have also realized that there were no traces of his belongings.

“Have a seat.”

I motioned for Jaeoh to sit and poured him a glass of water.

“…I’m sorry.”

Sitting across from each other at the dining table, Jaeoh lowered his head again.

“I made a mistake. I’m sorry.”

“…It’s fine. I mean, it wasn’t that scary, and it wasn’t something that really happened. You left when I told you to leave. So, it’s fine.”


“I got angry because of your emotions.”


Jaeoh bit his lip, looking miserable. But I knew that I had to remain more composed in this situation.

In the past, I might have acted more rudely, but at least now I knew that I shouldn’t inflict further pain.

“Seo Jaeoh, I don’t love you.”


“Because those feelings don’t change at my will, and I can’t make an effort, nor do I want to.”


Jaeoh suddenly interrupted me. After blocking my words, he ran his fingers through his hair, and his face, washing off the dry tears, looked painfully vulnerable. I felt stifled and uncomfortable in the face of his expression that couldn’t hide his turmoil.

“…We’ve known each other for several years. Of course, I like you. But…”

Jaeoh let out a deep sigh and continued speaking.

“I know what kind of person you are, I… Ha, Lee Nan.”

“Seo Jaeoh.”

“I can be satisfied with just being friends.”

It was an absurd statement. Jaeoh himself had revealed the desire for more than friendship while under the influence of alcohol. However, Jaeoh continued to mutter to himself, as if brainwashing himself.

“Being friends is enough. Just occasionally seeing each other, helping you when you’re struggling… We’ve known each other for a long time. I don’t want to invalidate those times.”

Our perspectives on our relationship were so different. Even if I found joy in each moment spent with Jaeoh, he wanted to continue the connection, deeming those times as valuable. Now, with one side’s emotions weighing heavily, the past moments seemed meaningless. Yet he spoke as if there were a future worth continuing the connection for.

“I was too drunk that day, and I made a mistake. It was a mistake. So… don’t push me away. Don’t act like you won’t see me again.”

…Why was Jaeoh pleading so earnestly?

“I’m not asking for anything from you. I just, I just want to do it because I want to.”

What was I supposed to say to Jaeoh, who was clinging to me like this?

I could easily say that I don’t like him, that it was enjoyable and dirty until now, so let’s never see each other again. Didn’t Jaeoh have his pride too?

It felt like a thorn was stuck in my throat. The most reasonable path would be not to accept even the friendship offered.

But I also questioned whether I really wanted to sever ties with Jaeoh like that. His willingness to maintain our connection, even just as friends, was appreciable. I had selfishly thought it was fortunate that Jaeoh was there for me during difficult times. Without Jaeoh, I might feel a sense of loss in moments of yearning.

Ultimately, Jaeoh wanted something. What should I say to him?

I wanted to reject him without causing any hurt. However, rejecting someone without causing pain was inherently contradictory. Even if I covered it with honey and sugar, rejection itself was a wound.

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