Assistant Manager Kim Hates Idols Chapter 466 - True Feelings

The dorm on a day without practice always looked about the same.

 

In the living room, Jeong Seongbin was either watching the news or reading a book. Through the glass window, Park Joowoo could be seen watering his plants.

 

If I turned my head, I could see Lee Cheonghyeon sitting in front of his brand-new desktop wearing a headset, and through his wide-open door, Kang Kiyeon was sitting on his bed reading a manga. Choi Jeho was likely lying on his bed in his own room. Every single one of them looked like a typical man in his early twenties.

 

And I was supposed to complain about how hard life was to these kids when I’d lived long enough to see mountains and rivers change? I’d rather pull the covers over my head and cry alone.

 

‘Sigh…’

 

Swallowing a sigh, I went back to my room and changed clothes. Then I lay still on the bed, retracing the conversation I’d had with the seniors.

 

I lay there staring blankly into the air without moving a finger when I sensed someone nearby. The sound of rustling lasted for a moment before stopping, followed by the sound of pages turning.

 

“Kiyeon, is that you?”

 

“Yes.”

 

Even if I didn’t vent, these guys took turns keeping a constant watch by my side, afraid that the fully-grown Kim Iwol might fall into a swamp of depression alone. I didn’t want to burden kids like this any further.

 

“Kiyeon.”

 

“Yes?”

 

“Do you like a dependable hyung or a weak-hearted hyung better?”

 

“A dependable hyung, obviously.”

 

Who would like a weak-hearted hyung? Maybe a sensitive one, but definitely not weak-hearted. I completely agreed with Kang Kiyeon’s answer.

 

“What about between a diligent one and a lazy one?”

 

“A diligent one.”

 

“Between a responsible one and an irresponsible one, who’s better?”

 

“A responsible one, of course.”

 

See? A person should have a reliable side, live diligently, and be responsible for their own actions—

 

“Is the quiz over?”

 

“Huh?”

 

Kang Kiyeon snapped his manga shut. Then he dragged me toward the living room.

 

“Everyone, gather up. we need to have a talk.”

 

“Wait, what?”

 

Regardless of my confusion, Kang Kiyeon stood tall and waited for the members to gather. From various corners of the dorm, the Spark members came sauntering out.

 

***

 

“What is it?” 

 

Choi Jeho asked as he took a seat on the floor.

 

“I don’t know either. Kiyeon’s the one who called everyone.”

 

Even though this hearing had suddenly been convened out of nowhere, the attendance rate of Spark somehow hit 100%. My mental state had genuinely improved already, so honestly I wanted to shout at them to stop hovering around me and go outside to enjoy their break.

 

“Hyung, you have something to say to us, don’t you?” 

 

Kang Kiyeon asked. His expression was almost blank, but his eyes shone sharply.

 

“No, I don’t.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Well, I do, so I’ll say it. I think Iwol hyung’s self-esteem has gotten way too low lately. It looks like he needs active support from the people around him.”

 

My mouth fell open. That straight talk didn’t just hit me in the solar plexus; it pierced right through it.

 

“That’s not true!”

 

“It isn’t? Then why did you ask me what kind of hyung I liked?”

 

“…….”

 

“I don’t think you’re weak-hearted or pathetic, hyung, but still.”

 

The members’ gazes pinned me down. Each pair of eyes was clear, as if they were looking at me from inches away. It was so overwhelming I wanted to hide.

 

“…Do I really have to say everything?”

 

At my words, Kang Kiyeon crossed his arms and nodded. I told them I didn’t have the confidence to meet their eyes and asked if I could lie down; Park Joowoo offered me his lap.

 

I lay there for a long time, even pulling Jeong Seongbin’s blanket over me. No one rushed me. By the time I could hear the ticking of the living room clock, I finally forced myself to speak.

 

“…I’ve had a hard time lately.”

 

“…….”

 

“I was depressed. It’s similar to burnout, but a little different. I had no energy. It wasn’t because of you guys or the work… It’s a personal matter.”

 

I couldn’t imagine what kind of expressions they were wearing outside the blanket. So, I kept talking while cowardly hiding under the microfiber.

 

“I’ve recovered completely now, so you don’t have to worry.”

 

“…….”

 

“Though with your personalities, that’s impossible, right?”

 

The guys were silent. I had resolved my gloomy feelings during the trip, and all that remained was the awkwardness of facing them. I wanted to call Yur and Polo right now and ask them if this was really the right way to handle this.

 

“I’ve gotten this much better thanks to your help. If it weren’t for you, I’d still be digging a hole for myself. I’m really good at digging myself into a spiral. digging until I hit rock bottom. I couldn’t even act my age; it was pathetic. That’s why I didn’t want to tell you. Because it’s embarrassing.”

 

I tried to explain as calmly as possible. Fortunately, my voice didn’t tremble, and I didn’t choke up. I was just glad the blanket hid my flushed face.

 

“…I have a lot I need to do.”

 

The lawsuit, winning the Grand Prize. I had to repay the love I received from the fans before the synchronization rate hit its limit. The piling responsibilities kept making me anxious.

 

“I was impatient because things weren’t going well. And I felt a sense of helplessness because I found that side of myself pathetic.”

 

“…….”

 

“I’m not someone particularly special, you see.”

 

I wanted to repay the expectations and love I received. Even if I wasn’t truly capable of carrying them. I didn’t know how many things I had missed—things that overflowed and spilled to the floor even when I tried to catch them, prepared to get drenched.

 

“I know everyone is tired. I keep starting new projects, and when you’re told to rest, I say there’s no time. I just keep wanting things from everyone…”

 

My voice grew smaller and smaller. The more I talked, the more I shrank into myself. In front of Spark, all I could think about were my endless faults.

 

“I didn’t want to burden you guys with worries like this too.”

 

I meant it. Negative emotions spread far too easily. The darker the feelings, the more contagious they became. I didn’t want to stain these guys with the same feelings. It was enough that their past selves had already experienced almost losing a teammate from the world.

 

And yet, in the end, I still burdened them with anxiety. These kids who had lived far less than I had—kids I was supposed to be protecting.

 

My conscience stung.

 

At the same time, though, I found comfort in the warmth these young guys gave me. Humans really are contradictory creatures, aren’t they?

 

“I thought I should tell you that I’m all better now, and that it’s thanks to you guys…… but I couldn’t find the right timing.”

 

Someone let out a small sigh. An unknown hand patted my shoulder.

 

“So you’re saying there are no problems now?” 

 

Choi Jeho asked.

 

I answered honestly.

 

“I can’t say 100%. I decided not to judge my own condition alone anymore. But my counselor said I’m getting better. And I definitely feel much better than before.

 

“…….”

 

“I didn’t plan to say this much. It was an impulsive move, so feel free to ignore it. And I pulled the blanket over my head because I was embarrassed, not because I was being avoidant and trying to hide my depression, so ignore that too. So now, could everyone please go back to what they were doing?”

 

The guys stood up awkwardly. Lee Cheonghyeon let out a ‘Geez!’ and messed up my hair peeking out from the blanket before leaving.

 

I aplogized to Park Joowoo and started to sit up when I saw two legs standing stiffly. It was Kang Kiyeon.

 

He didn’t leave even after I neatly folded the blanket and placed it on the sofa. Instead, he followed me as I tried to escape to my room.

 

“What is it? I honestly told you everything.”

 

“There’s something I haven’t told you, hyung.”

 

“Should I use the blanket again?”

 

“No.”

 

Kang Kiyeon’s face turned serious. Without exaggeration, I was scared. His facial features already looked colder every year, and the temperature of his expression practically dropped exponentially over time.

 

Regardless of my trembling, Kang Kiyeon pulled out a chair and sat down. This time, he didn’t even pretend to bring a manga with him.

 

“Do you remember? A long time ago, when I said something harsh to you.”

 

“When?”

 

“When I was having panic attacks.”

 

I searched my memory, but I didn’t recall him ever saying anything particularly harsh.

 

“I don’t think you ever did that, Kiyeon.”

 

“I did. That’s why I apologized.”

 

Kang Kiyeon uncrossed his arms.

 

“Back then, I was upset that you didn’t rely on us. I thought it would be better if we comforted each other, but I couldn’t understand why you didn’t want help from others… I was also angry at myself because I knew my own mental state was too weak to be someone you could lean on.”

 

That really did sound like Kang Kiyeon, someone who valued group activity above all else. Quietly, I waited for him to continue.

 

“But after learning about your situation… I can only think that you had too much of a burden. Of course you couldn’t rely on us. With your personality, how could you say you were struggling to a kid who couldn’t even stand on stage?”

 

“I never thought of you guys as a burden.”

 

“I know that much. What I mean is that I wasn’t able to become a dependable support for you.”

 

Kang Kiyeon gave a bitter smile.

 

“But hyung, we grow up too. We mature.”

 

“Huh?”

 

“Just because you are going through a hard time doesn’t mean we’re going to lose our balance and fall apart.”

 

I pondered what his intention was in saying this. Seeing my confusion over whether I’d understood the implication correctly, he clarified it for me.

 

“We aren’t so weak that we can’t handle someone else’s hardships like in the past. So if you need to, lie down with your legs stretched out and complain to whoever’s around.”

 

“…….”

 

“Haven’t we all grown at least that much?”

 

It was absurd. You only aged a few years, what do you mean ‘grown up’? 

 

I’ve already lived about nine years longer than you, and even if I shouldn’t calculate based on that, even if I generously set that aside, I’m still three years older than you—

 

“Wait, did you grow?”

 

“Huh?”

 

“Stand up, Kiyeon.”

 

At my words, Kang Kiyeon stood up hesitantly. I grabbed his wrist and sprinted to the living room. Then I pinned him against the living room wall.

 

“Choi Jeho! Tape measure!”

 

“What?”

 

Choi Jeho slowly approached from his room with a tape measure. I stuck an index marker on top of Kiyeon’s head, snatched the tape measure, and measured the length with trembling hands.

 

The result was……

 

“It’s 180!”

 

“Really?!”

 

……180. It was exactly 180 cm.

 

“You really grew.”

 

“No, I didn’t mean I ‘grew’ in that sense.”

 

“You really grew…!”

 

Did Kang Kiyeon even realize how meaningful physical growth was? It wasn’t something that just happened with age; it was something that required luck on top of never being injured or overworked.

 

The reason I’d wanted to grant Kang Kiyeon’s wish so badly even if I’d been busy fulfilling the System’s demand, was because I wanted to lessen the burden of feeling like I was freeloading off everyone else. And now that his dream had come true, it felt like the guilt piled up inside me had grown lighter.

 

I excitedly massaged Kang Kiyeon’s shoulders. I even sat him on the floor and massaged his knees. Kang Kiyeon looked disgusted at first, but seeing how excited I was, he quietly accepted my congratulations.