How Lilies turn Black Chapter 116 - The Color of Love

Theodoro gently ran his fingers over the daffodils placed on the desk as he muttered.

 

“Wayne… Wayne Boyd….”

 

Strength flowed into his fingertips, crushing the delicate petals. He flinched and pulled his hand away belatedly, but a mark like a stamp remained in their place.

 

Frowning, he rubbed the petals, hoping the pressed traces would fade. Suddenly, the thought crossed his mind.

 

What meaning did any of this have?

 

Theodoro dropped his hands helplessly and let out a short, bitter laugh.

 

‘That’s right. What meaning could these damn flowers possibly have?’

 

He covered his face with both palms and let out a hollow laugh. At some point, the sound began to tremble, becoming indistinguishable from sobbing.

 

Only today did he finally understand. 

 

Why Liliana, even as she was helplessly drawn to him, kept pushing him away again and again. Why couldn’t she fully surrender herself and keep looking back?

 

At first, when Paul had given him the initial report, he had tried to convince himself that Liliana had no connection to Wayne whatsoever. 

 

That the bastard had approached her without her knowing anything.

 

But he couldn’t. Looking at it now, there was far more evidence suggesting she was connected than evidence that she wasn’t. 

 

The fact that she was working with the FBI made every puzzle piece fit together perfectly, as if it had been waiting for this.

 

So he could no longer turn a blind eye to the obvious truth.

 

Theodoro put yet another cigarette he had already lost count of how many between his lips. 

 

Leaning back in his chair, he stared blankly up at the ceiling.

 

Along with the drifting smoke, a memory from the distant past surfaced and then vanished. It was the day he had ordered Paul to investigate Liliana and first received the detailed report about her.

 

It wasn’t that he had never doubted her. When she had thrust evidence in front of him and Vincent that President Findel would be assassinated, he had thought it was impossible.

 

That operation had been treated as top secret, something a mere civilian like her could never have known about.

 

He had set aside his suspicions because the investigation revealed she had no ties to any agency or organization…

 

‘Should I have dug deeper back then? Should I have monitored her every move? Should I have eavesdropped on her calls, followed her everywhere, and investigated everyone she met?’

 

Thinking this, Theodoro gave a self-mocking smile. 

 

As if his complacency back then was the only problem. 

 

He could have suspected her much more. The way his relationship with his brother had completely fallen apart after Liliana appeared.

 

She claimed she had picked up clues about their plans from conversations she happened to overhear, but thinking about it now, she couldn’t possibly have been that “lucky” every single time.

 

And most decisively, Gasparo had glanced at her and whispered in Theodoro’s ear not to trust women.

 

“Ah… ugh…”

 

Theodoro clutched his head and bowed deeply. His hand, gripping his black hair, trembled uncontrollably with emotion.

 

That bastard had already known. 

 

He had even given Theodoro a chance to push her away himself, but Theodoro had kicked that chance aside.

 

‘I… I was the fucking idiot.’

 

He had wanted to believe her words, that she wasn’t hiding anything. He had let it slide so easily when he could have at least checked.

 

Perhaps, deep in his heart, there had been fear even then. The fear that if she really was deceiving him, he might have to cast her out with his own hands.

 

That was why, from that moment on, he probably didn’t have the confidence to push her away.

 

All strength drained from his body. His face, looking down at the desk, was steeped in bitterness. Theodoro weakly reached out and stubbed out the half-smoked cigarette in the ashtray.

 

If only abandoning Liliana could be as simple as extinguishing this cigarette butt. If only he could tidy it up with a single flick of his hand.

 

Staring at the dying ember, Theodoro suddenly lifted his head. 

 

The exhaustion on his face twisted violently in an instant.

 

“Ah… Fuck!”

 

He muttered a low curse and roughly swept his hair back. 

 

Footsteps were approaching from outside the door, light yet calm, her distinctive gait.

 

He hadn’t even steadied his heart yet. He hadn’t decided what to say or what expression to wear when he looked at her.

 

As he unconsciously rose from the chair and paced around the desk, Theodoro suddenly realized how foolish his worries were. 

 

Even if he steadied himself, even if he rehearsed every word and expression in advance, would it really go as planned?

 

And the moment he saw Liliana’s clear face as she opened the door and entered, he was certain his prediction had been right.

 

Even if he had been prepared to strangle her for deceiving him, he clearly wouldn’t have been able to do it. 

 

If tears welled up in her suffocating eyes… he had a feeling he would end up blaming himself, the one who had immersed himself in this underworld, rather than her for hiding her true allegiance.

 

‘Fuck…’

 

He didn’t even realize he was muttering vulgar words inside as he sank back into the chair. Liliana approached timidly, blinking like a fragile small animal.

 

“Theo? You called for me?”

 

When he looked up at her slightly hunched shoulders, a hot surge rose in his throat. Theodoro clenched his molars tightly and barely managed to speak.

 

“…You.”

 

“Yes?”

 

“Why are you so tense?”

 

“Me…? No, I’m not. What tension….”

 

Her lower lip was visibly trembling slightly. She lied so well. She had been deceiving him like this all along. And he had fallen for it like a blind fool.

 

Theodoro swallowed the bitter saliva and stood up from the chair. 

 

As his dark shadow fell over her, Liliana instinctively stepped backward toward the bookshelf behind her.

 

He looked down at her retreating figure and twisted his lips into a fierce sneer.

 

“This is what being tense looks like, Liliana.”

 

“…W-why are you suddenly acting like this—”

 

“I suddenly got curious. Why do you get so tense every time you see me?”

 

By now, Liliana’s back was pressed against the bookshelf with nowhere left to retreat. Her eyes darted anxiously. 

 

Theodoro placed both hands on the lower part of the bookshelf near her hips and gave a faint, mocking smile.

 

“I’ve never taken you by force. It’s not like you’re afraid I’ll do something I shouldn’t, right?”

 

“T-Theo.”

 

“Or… is there something you’re hiding from me?”

 

“What… what are you talking about? Suddenly saying such nonsense….”

 

Her face turned as pale as a sheet of paper as she denied it. Theodoro stared at her silently and bit his lip.

 

Nonsense? Out of everything he had said today, this seemed like the most sensible thing.

 

Suppressing the violent urge to bite into her neck, he buried his face in her slender shoulder. Beneath his lowered head, a more suppressed voice escaped.

 

“Then what? Are you trembling? Or are you excited?”

 

No answer came. He only saw her tightly clenched fist trembling faintly below his gaze.

 

Theodoro ground his teeth and desperately suppressed the hot surge rising in his throat once more.

 

‘I… fuck… I really am an idiot.’

 

Because he was hoping that her silence meant it was her true feelings.

 

And if it really was, then no matter if she was an FBI informant or whatever, she thought he could simply feel relieved.

 

Theodoro slowly raised his head and looked at her with deeply sunken eyes.

 

“…Liliana.”

 

“Why are you like this? You’re not usually like this…”

 

“If it’s not true, then say it’s not.”

 

If she just said it wasn’t true, he could stop holding onto this vain hope that her heart was directed at him. But Liliana’s tightly pressed lips showed no sign of opening.

 

He lifted his left hand from the bookshelf and cupped her pale, white cheek. 

 

Gently stroking her trembling cheek as if to soothe her, Theodoro slowly bent his waist.

 

Slowly enough that she could run or push him away as much as she wanted.

 

“…If you hate it, push me away.”

 

He had said it every time. If she didn’t want it, she should say so. He would cleanly let go.

 

Did he have to willingly accept this long silence that came again without fail? Should he despair at the thought of losing yet another chance to push her away?

 

Theodoro closed his eyes, feeling the soft lips touching the end of his dry breath.

 

It didn’t matter anymore. If this were such a brilliant despair.

 

He remembered Liliana, who had often shed tears when they kissed. It was impossible to fully understand her feelings, but somehow he thought he could grasp a little of it.

 

Was this what it felt like? 

 

Knowing you were sinking into an inescapable deep swamp, yet endlessly intoxicated by the sensation of sweet breath and intertwining tongues.

 

Theodoro turned her head and pushed his tongue deeper, silently swallowing his sobs.

 

Liliana, I told you. If it’s not true, say it’s not. If you hate it, push me away. When you allow and accept me like this, I end up pathetically relieved.

 

No matter what you do, no matter what goal you hold, I end up believing that at least your true feelings are reaching me, and I start hoping that maybe, in the end, you might abandon that damn FBI and come to me.

 

Because of that hope, I can’t even declare the end of this relationship.

 

Even though I know that if you ultimately choose the FBI, only ruin will be left for me…

 

Somehow, I can’t let go of that faint hope that you might still come to me.

 

Theodoro thought about it. When exactly had he come to love her this much? When had it all begun?

 

But even if he rewound the past half-year completely, he couldn’t find the answer. At first, he had only been bothered by how she threw herself into things without sparing her own body.

 

Then, despite her reckless approach, he realized she was surprisingly useful.

 

Later, he found her face somewhat pretty when he looked at her.

 

At some point, the woman who had been nothing more than a person became recognized as a member of the opposite sex.

 

So he wanted to touch her. So he hated it to death when others’ hands reached for her.

 

What did it matter when it started?

 

The important thing was that emotions built up so slowly, so steadily, without him even noticing, until they had become so solid that they could no longer be torn down.