Only Good To Me Chapter 19.1 - #Twenty-Five, Lee Won

At the beginning of this year, I moved into a studio apartment near the back gate of my university. The rent at my previous place was too expensive, so I had to get financial help from my mom, and my weekend part-time job alone wasn’t enough to cover my living expenses, so I moved to a cheaper room.

It is easy to break a 500,000 won bank account, but it is not easy to break a 50,000,000 won bank account. This is even more so if it is the money of someone who is not here. My mom is of the opinion that one should practice being independent upon becoming an adult, and I think the same way, so during my freshman year, I worked a weekend part-time job at a convenience store. After returning to school, I have been working as a work-study student at an institution within the university. This is thanks to having maintained good grades.

Now, my daily routine has more or less settled. I wake up according to my morning classes and work-study schedule, take coding classes at the university’s Center for Information and Computing, and kill time at the library during my free hours. For dinner, I prepare a simple meal in my room. After eating, I go for a few laps around the university’s public sports field, and by the time I return, it is night.

“Hey, kitty.”

Taking care of the neighborhood cat’s food at the playground before heading to school is also part of my routine. The best thing about moving is being able to see this neighborhood cat every day. It must be the reigning boss of this neighborhood, as it is very friendly with people and quite chubby. It is a white cat with yellow stripes on its face and back. I heard that cats with this pattern are called cheese tabbies.

“Where are the kittens?”

Early May is supposedly the time when kittens are born in droves. A lady from a nearby restaurant told me this.

“She must have hidden them away reaaal good somewhere. When I put out food, right, she waits until I go back inside, and only then does she bring her kittens out, you know?”

“Ah.”

“Look, look. Even now, she’s not eating it all and leaving some, waiting for you to leave, see? She’s planning to bring the kittens out when there’s no one around.”

“Then I should probably put it in the corner from now on.”

“Yes, you should.”

I moved the plate of wet food to a corner of the playground. The cheese tabby cat followed me slowly and cried, meow, meow. I wanted to play with it more, but when I looked at my wristwatch, it was 9:30.

As soon as I entered the College of Business Administration office, the department chief looked for me.

“Oh, oh, Lee Won! Did you take over the scholarship document entry from Cheolgi?”

“No, I only spoke to him on the phone. I’ll look for it now.”

“That Cheolgi guy is diligent and all, but his drinking is the problem.”

The person named Park Cheolgi, my senior in the work-study program at the College of Business Administration office, often asks me to cover his shifts. The problem is that he asks on the morning of or in the wee hours of the day before, but I like it because I can earn a little extra money. So I accept most of the time. Today, too, I received a call in the morning and came in to cover his 10 o’clock shift.

[Thx~ I’ll head over to pass the baton once I’m sober, lol]

He does not need to pass the baton. I did not reply. I found the documents, showed them to the department chief, and received my tasks for the day. It was work related to scholarships within the College of Business Administration undergraduate program. While comparing the computerized data with the submitted documents, I found a Post-it note on the desk.

A bright yellow Post-it note with the university’s name and phone number printed on it. I cannot just crumple up this Post-it note. If I have to use and throw one away, I carefully place it inside the trash can without crumpling it. With the thought that I am placing it, not throwing it away.

Like that, there are Post-it notes that cannot be easily crumpled and tossed, or the Busker Busker songs that I cannot listen to. Or the black motorcycle that makes my eyes ache when I look at it. Except for such trivial things, everything is serene, and my false front to the world is all prepared.

“Didn’t you say student Won-i’s father is a doctor?”

“Yes. He’s in Busan.”

“How did you end up coming all the way here to this university from Busan?”

“Haha… I had to get into a national university, but I didn’t do well on the college entrance exam….”

“You should’ve retaken the exam, why didn’t you?”

“Retaking the exam was a bit….”

“That’s right, why would ya retake it? It costs more than a year’s tuition, I tell ya. Unless you’re gonna get into Seoul National University or med school by retaking it, there’s no need to.”

Like that, all my defense mechanisms are natural. Even if I do not participate in department events, I can manage group projects just fine. Even if I do not know my classmates’ names or faces well, I can get good grades. The campus is green and lush even without a group of friends to hang out with. A cup of coffee is enough to set my mind at ease.

I am comfortable being alone. It is also my innate disposition. However, if there is one downside to being alone, it is that thoughts of Seo Hangeon come to mind often. All our plans and contact have become nothing, and everything that happened between us feels like someone else’s story, yet I keep thinking of him. Even though I feel that we have completely split and are now living different lives.

It does not feel like something from the past, but like someone else’s story. Everything.

Park Cheolgi entered the administration office with an sheepish grin. Cheolgi-sidae loudly endured the rebukes from the administration office staff, and then he followed me as I was leaving after finishing my shift.

“Thanks so much, really. I always contact you right at the last minute, don’t I? Yesterday was really because of the athletic meet after-party!”

I have no idea how many athletic meet after-parties he has had. Cheolgi-sidae is a fellow business administration student, but his major is different from mine. He is the student council president of his department, and he also had a girlfriend. They had even shown up at the administration office together a few times. Though that was two or three months ago.

“I’m so grateful that I have to buy you a meal today. Not from the school cafeteria! Let’s go.”

His voice is loud, he often wears a cap, and he has a frank and boisterous personality. So at first, I wondered if he was similar to Seo Hangeon.

“What do you want to eat? I’m an expert on all the good places at the back gate, you know? Sausage stew, gimbap, braised chicken. Take your pick.”

I thought he might be similar, but he is different.

“I’m fine, really.”

“It’s lunchtime anyway! I have free time too. Let’s go, let’s go!”

The menu was decided as sausage stew, per his strong recommendation. I was so uncomfortable that I could barely eat. Park Cheolgi, who chattered on excitedly by himself, seemingly finding an endless supply of things to talk about, saw that I had left about half my food and said this.

“Should we have gotten something else? You don’t like sausage stew much?”

“I’m not very hungry.”

“You should have said so earlier then!”

He feels sorry and regretful, but he is different.

“What are you doing this afternoon? Wanna go see a movie? I don’t have any classes.”

He knows I do not have classes today. He must have seen it when they were making the work-study schedule. It does not matter whether he is bi or not. I just feel that he is different.

“Just say you’ll go, please. C’mon? C’mon, c’mon?”

“Uh….”

“Hey. If you don’t want to, then never mind. I’m a busy guy, you know? It’s not like I’m just hanging out all the time, right? I’ve got a ton of stuff to do this afternoon, I’m telling you, hyung is. So let’s just go.”

He seems similar, but I just think that he is completely different.

A pressuring attitude is hidden within his fast-paced speech. On top of that, everything about him is so transparent that it is not interesting. I wanted to know if this thought stemmed from my own arrogance, or from something else. I stood up from my seat first and said.

“…Let’s go, I guess.”

On the way to the movie theater, Park Cheolgi threw many questions at me. Where is your hometown, what is your favorite food, what is your favorite movie. Among the various questions and topics of conversation, the rumor about a certain professor was the most interesting. It was a rumor that he has sexual relations with a fortune teller. Even after bringing up such a provocative topic, when the conversational void was not filled, Park Cheolgi said.

“You’re a really quiet type, huh. Or is it that you don’t even want to spend energy on guys? There are guys like that sometimes, the ones who only hang out with girls.”

I figured it was a way of probing my preferences. Since he was asking something he already knew, I answered honestly.

“That’s not it.”

Before we ate the seafood stew, we walked along the Suyeong riverside for over an hour, and it was not boring at all. Was that because I liked Seo Hangeon, or because Seo Hangeon’s conversational skills were that good? Even then, before he became my boyfriend, I felt as comfortable as a territorial animal in the seat next to him. We knew nothing about each other and had not a single hobby in common, yet the words flowed effortlessly. I could speak without any sense of being blocked. Without needing to figure out his intentions or calculate how to protect myself. I could just speak as I was.

I concluded that it might have been because I was young and innocent back then.

“I’m not really into guys taller than me. But you’re an exception. Because your looks are my type.”

Reassured by my answer, Park Cheolgi revealed his true colors. I felt like this was the moment my heart was supposed to pound, but instead, I felt a strange sense of defiance. He’s the one who’s short. He seems to be about 1 to 2 centimeters shorter than me, so he must be around 176 centimeters tall.

“Such a shame. If you were just in the early 170s, you’d fit right in my arms like this, so perfectly.”

He tried to casually put his arm on my shoulder, so I raised my arm to block it.

“Ah, it’s uncomfortable.”

“Okay, the type that’s picky about physical contact. Okay.”

He seems similar, but he is different. Just because his words and actions are playful does not make them the same. The reason is obvious. It is because Park Cheolgi has a short-term goal. Because the vessel of his short-term goal that he wants from me is shallow, all the sounds that echo from within it are only light.

However, I thought. Everyone else dates and lives like this.

They just meet casually, and sometimes they are physically attracted and get involved thinking about having sex once, and then they start dating, and they break up, and so on.

Who am I to be ignoring such shallow feelings? When everyone else lives by bumping up against each other like that.

Could it be that there is something wrong with me? Isn’t it excessive greed to wish again for that summer day, so full of moss, that will never come again in my life?

I was lost in such thoughts throughout the movie. The sound of someone chewing popcorn in the back seat was incessant. That sound was louder than the booming volume of the Dolby surround sound system. The screen was disconnected from my eyes, and the speakers just chattered noisily among themselves.

I did not even properly understand what the movie was about. I had a bad case of indigestion from the sausage stew I ate for lunch, and as soon as the movie ended, I came back to my studio apartment as if I were escaping.

Kkyong! Kkyong!

A kitten was crying continuously outside.

These days, I do not even have the pleasure of secretly looking at Seo Hangeon’s Instagram. I turned on Instagram, lying down with a throbbing head. Seo Hangeon’s account was gone, just as it had been. Seo Hangeon had opened a handmade hamburger shop called <DAYDREAM> in November of last year. Many pictures had been uploaded until the beginning of this year, but a while ago, both the shop’s account and Seo Hangeon’s personal account had disappeared.

I was worried that something might have happened. I had not followed Seo Hangeon’s close friend, Park Kangmin, so it was hard to find his account. I finally found it through a tag search. There were no pictures of the hamburger shop, and there was one recent picture he had taken with Seo Hangeon at the Yeongdo Jeoryeong Coastal Trail. It was a picture of their backs, so their faces were not clearly visible.

Thankfully, it seemed like nothing major had happened. I stared at the dark expanse of his back for a long while, then opened my photo album app and scrolled through the pictures I had screenshotted.

“Ah, did I not screenshot the charcoal-colored suit picture….”

I ruffled my bangs and buried my face in the pillow. I must have only saved pictures of him smiling. The dark gray suit looked so good on him.

Actually, there was someone next to him in that picture, which is why I was more reluctant to screenshot it. Even if I cropped and saved only Seo Hangeon, I felt like the woman who was next to him would automatically come to mind, so I did not do it. Seeing them posing closely together at a Christmas party, I thought she must be his girlfriend.

He said he liked sexy women who have their own unique vibe. But he is dating a very petite and cute girl. Though she might not be his girlfriend. That is what I thought.

On the day I had that thought, I could not do anything. The crimson spray paint, the shattered glass door, were the only things that floated in my mind. What kind of expression did Seo Hangeon have when he picked up a brick to smash the door of my father’s clinic?

I rubbed my eyes and shifted the flow of my thoughts. The counseling teacher had said that when distressing thoughts do not leave my head, I need to practice consciously chasing them away. If he deleted his account, could it be that they broke up? I held onto that hope for a moment, but then I became gloomy again, concluding that there would be no need to delete the hamburger shop’s account as well if that were the case. The room was so quiet it made my ears ache. I have to do something, this will not do. I turned on my computer and opened my web programming textbook to practice some examples.

Kkyong! Kkyong!

The kitten was still crying.

A week passed, and I had another meal with Park Cheolgi. Another week passed, and we saw another movie. On the evening of the day we saw the second movie, we went to a bar near the university. It was a noisy bar specializing in rice wine. He relentlessly urged me to drink, but I drank very little.

The university students inside the bar were drinking to death and talking to death. It was a warm and pleasant season for having fun. It was hot, so I rolled up my shirt sleeves and drank some water, which seemed to have been some kind of ‘signal’ to Cheolgi-sidae. About an hour after we sat down, he started to subtly cast his bait with stories of his past relationships.

“You, you said you’ve been in one relationship?”

“Yes.”

“Why only one? Seems like you would have had a lot of opportunities.”

His gaze swept over my arm, past my wristwatch, as he licked his lips. Even then, I did not think he was going to bring up sex.

“Because I dated one person for a long time. About three years….”

“When, so you were dating even when you were in the military?”

I answered, mixing in an appropriate defensive barrier.

“Yes, well. We met when I was twenty, twenty-one, around that time.”

“Why did you break up?”

“We just weren’t a good match personality-wise.”

It was a thoroughly ambiguous answer, but Park Cheolgi did not ask again. He was not interested in the reason we broke up.

“You’ve had sex, right?”

He sent a strong gaze from under his baseball cap. That gaze did not leave much of an impression on me. I put on an indifferent face, and he came to his own conclusion.

“You must have, obviously. If you dated for three years.”

To be honest, from that point on, I was openly showing my displeasure. It was dissatisfaction with him suddenly bringing up sex. However, he seemed to think my dissatisfaction was about something else and offered an absurd excuse.

“No, I don’t mean it like, you’re all worn out and experienced. I was just going to ask how it was. Don’t take it the wrong way!”

“Asking how it was… to do what with that information?”

I asked, keeping my eyes fixed on the table. He sneered as if he had been waiting for it.

“If it was bad, I’ll make it good for you, and if it was okay, I’ll make it even better.”

I let out a sneer. However, because I was resting my chin on my hand, it seemed Park Cheolgi did not notice. He took out his phone and said.

“Let’s go if you’re up for it. I’ll book a motel.”

I felt I could understand a little how he could bring up something like this so easily. It is because I am a man that it is lighter and easier. If he were to wrongly ask a woman to go to a motel, all hell would break loose, but since I am a man. Since he thinks I must have a similar philosophy on sex as him.

I organized my response in my head for a long time. I put more emphasis on conveying my intentions clearly rather than on being considerate.

“I have never considered the order of going to a motel and then dating. In my opinion… it seems like you’ve got the cart before the horse.”

Park Cheolgi took his eyes off his phone screen and lifted his head. I did not look at him properly, but his expression could not have been good. Still, I drove the point home. As I spoke, another sneer escaped me.

“The person I dated before… never carelessly asked me to go to a motel like this. It’s a bit bewildering.”

“If you don’t want to, then don’t. You’re a real buzzkill.”

If you don’t want to, then don’t. This is the second time I have heard those words from this person. I am quite sensitive myself to remember something like this.

“Fine if you don’t want to, but what’s with comparing me to your ex?”

My heart sank at his instantaneous change in attitude. Seeing someone’s aggressive demeanor is always something I am not used to.

“It’s not a comparison. It’s just that it’s very different from my way of thinking….”

“Give me a break. Did you come from the Joseon Dynasty? Whatever, I get that you don’t want to. But it’s a bit much for me too, the way you’re rejecting me with a smirk and making me feel bad. Did I beg you to sleep with me or something? You should also consider that maybe your way of thinking is the weird one, not mine.”

Feeling that there was no more value in continuing the conversation, I stood up from my seat. I left the bar right away without even saying goodbye. I felt a sense of relief, as if I had at least told him off before leaving.

Why did I feel so unburdened after confirming that the guy hitting on me was a dud? Was it because I had subconsciously already decided that it had to be this way? Even I found it difficult to grasp my own complex psychology accurately. One thing was certain, my heart felt light.

With a light step, I entered a convenience store. I wanted to cleanse the taste of rice wine lingering in my mouth with a refreshing drink. I wandered around the dairy section, but nothing particularly appealed to me. I went over to the beverage refrigerator. As my gaze moved from the fruit drink section to the carbonated drink section, my eyes met with my reflection in the refrigerator glass.

The man in the mirror had a pained expression. Like a clown, his mouth, unable to either laugh or cry, was right in front of me.

The man’s eyebrows drooped, and his gaze shifted down to the bottom of the dairy section. Looking at several one-liter cartons of milk, he thought. Some things tear time to shreds and are carved into the body and mind, never to be forgotten.

Sometimes, you wish it had never existed from the beginning. When you are in excruciating pain, you come to wish for that.

I left the convenience store without buying anything. Walking through the alley with empty hands and an empty heart, I felt something surging up in my throat. I wanted to say something. I felt like I would go crazy if I did not say something, anything. A faint question escaped me.

“Were you that angry?”

After confirming there was no one in the lamplit alley, I continued walking and asked again.

“At me and my dad… were you that….”

My words broke off. I trudged all the way to the playground. Slumping down on a bench, I clasped my hands together and hung my head low.

“How could you… really not. Not at all.”

Contact me, knowing I would not be able to do it first. Were you that angry?

I asked in my heart. Heat gathered around my eyes, but I shook it off with a deep breath.

I wanted so badly to speak. I wanted to confide this feeling to someone. I wanted to tell anyone, anyone at all, that I was in this much pain. I wanted to ask, is it possible for something to be this unforgettable, is it like this for everyone, is there something wrong with me, how can I get better. I wanted to ask.

But in my phone, there was no one I could do that with. To the counseling teacher, to Kangho, to my mom. I could not say any of those words.

The moment I realized that, the emotion that had been surging in my throat subsided. It went back down into the depths below my neck. After the intense emotion was abruptly cut off, with a dazed look, I muttered.

“Like that… is everything just gone? How could you so….”

For a long time, I chewed over the words that had no one to listen. With eyes that did not know where they were looking, I muttered… muttered… talking to myself. As time passed, and when the dark scenery of the playground came into proper view, I uttered my final words.

“You were hurt a lot too, weren’t you.”

Those words were buried by the cry of a kitten. I shot my head up towards the direction of the sound. It was the middle of the playground. Next to a small rock, a kitten was sitting and crying its heart out.

Kkyong! Kkyong!

It sounded identical to the cry I had heard well over a week ago.

“Why are you out here all by yourself instead of hiding in a corner.”

The answer came back as a cry. A short laugh escaped me at the thought that the noisy kitten had listened to my monologue. I got up from the bench and went back to the convenience store. This time, I bought a drink, and also a can of tuna. When I returned to the playground, the lady from the restaurant was sitting next to the kitten in her everyday clothes. It seemed to be the time she returned home late after finishing work. Seeing me about to open the tuna can, the lady shook her head.

“It’s a baby the mother abandoned.”

“What?”

“When it’s hard for the mother to take care of all her kittens, there are times she abandons the one she thinks is the weakest. It’s been a long time, since she started leaving just this one kitten behind.”

“Ah… really?”

“You think it can even eat that tuna, looking like this? My goodness!”

The lady left the playground, repeating how pitiful it was. When I got closer, I saw that the lump I had thought was a rock was a swollen eyeball. It had been crying so loudly in a state where its eyeball was protruding due to being severely swollen from inflammation. Even after being left alone, for nearly two weeks, it had cried noisily. To try and live.

I crouched down in front of the cat, which was smaller than the palm of my hand. The cat sensed my presence and cried even louder. When I placed my finger next to its good eye, the cat rubbed its nose against it. I felt a cool moisture. Soon, the cat waddled between my legs and leaned against my shoe to lie down. To the cat, who blinked its one eye and began preparing for sleep, purrrr, purrrr, I asked.

“What should your name be?”