Simmering Heat Chapter 13.1

I first met Lee Taeun at the beginning of third grade.

The sun mixed evenly with the frozen ground, making for a lukewarm day. The chaotic classroom was filled with kids chattering in small groups and others sitting alone, nervously observing. Jinhyun belonged to the latter category, technically speaking. He wasn’t nervous, but he didn’t really belong to any particular group either. Having transferred at the end of second grade, he still didn’t have anyone he could call a close friend.

Even the kids he’d somewhat hung out with had all been split into different classes. He didn’t feel particularly sad about it. They weren’t close enough to warrant any lingering feelings. Still, sitting alone like this was… embarrassing, and a little lonely. Trying to hide his true feelings, he turned his head towards the window and stared at the bare branches of the trees.

“Want this?”

A hazy voice from beside him made Jinhyun turn his gaze.

Lines that sounded memorized, a curt greeting, and a clueless face with a wool scarf wrapped tightly up to his nose.

That was Lee Taeun.

“Do… do you not like strawberry? Want cola flavor?”

“…No.”

The boy offered him the candy and then quietly sat down next to him. He was slightly shorter than Jinhyun. Jinhyun just stared, and from the other boy’s hurried attempts at conversation, he guessed, This kid doesn’t have any friends either. Feeling a strange sense of camaraderie, Jinhyun peeled the candy wrapper and popped the candy in his mouth. The boy next to him, seemingly relieved, gave a goofy, hehe, and looked kind of innocent. Jinhyun rolled the candy around in his mouth.

“What’s your name?”

“I’m Lee Taeun. You? Oh, all my friends are in different classes, so I don’t know anyone. Do you know anyone? If not, wanna be partners? If you do… if you do… if you do, you don’t have to…”

He answered excitedly, then became dejected all by himself, which was strangely funny. Unsure what to answer first, Jinhyun simply said his name. Only then did Taeun give a belated greeting, “Hi, Jinhyun.” That, too, was strangely amusing. Crunch, crunch. Jinhyun chewed and swallowed the sweet and sour strawberry candy and playfully replied,

“Give me another candy, and I’ll be your partner.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

Because I don’t have any friends either. He was too embarrassed to say that out loud.

“I have tons. My mom packed them for me to share with my friends. Wait a sec.”

Lee Taeun pulled out a bag of candy from his backpack – a bag almost as big as himself – and plopped it on the desk.

“You can have them all.”

And he smiled again. He smiles a lot. Jinhyun thought idly, taking a candy and handing it to Taeun. Even though it was originally his, Lee Taeun acted as if he’d received an incredible gift, asking, “For me?” in surprise. Slightly embarrassed, Jinhyun just nodded.

That day, walking home with the giant bag of candy, Jinhyun smiled goofily, much like his new partner.

“What’s this? Did you buy all this?”

“My friend gave it to me. We’re gonna be partners.”

When his surprised mother asked about the sudden appearance of the enormous candy bag, Jinhyun answered proudly, as if he’d been waiting for the question.

Idiot. Weirdo. Candy salesman.

Still, he didn’t dislike him.

The two quickly became close. The sociable Taeun easily made friends and brought them into the fold, and a decent-sized group formed, including Jinhyun.

Still, he’s my best friend.

Jinhyun would repeat this childishly possessive thought to himself as he watched Taeun running around the classroom, laughing.

As time passed, they began visiting each other’s houses. When they realized their houses were closer than they thought, Jinhyun felt inexplicably happy. Lee Taeun, who had only ever lived in apartments, seemed fascinated by Jinhyun’s house with a yard, and would ask, “Can I come over to your place?” whenever he got the chance. Jinhyun never refused. Lee Taeun was the first friend he’d ever brought home.

And that’s how he met Lee Taeun’s mother. It was the second semester of third grade. The woman who came to pick up Taeun, long past his usual time to go home, had the same face and similar personality as Taeun. Jinhyun’s and Taeun’s mothers, who had already been in casual contact by phone, became much closer after that day and soon started hanging out like friends. They got along incredibly well, as if they had known each other forever. At the end of the year, their families even got together. Jinhyun liked that a lot. It felt like they had a special bond, exclusive to the two of them, that other kids couldn’t intrude on.

“Are you really that dumb? How can you get this wrong?”

“Are you really that smart? How did you get this right?”

It was during their middle school third year, when they were studying together for midterms. Or, to be more accurate, Jinhyun was diligently fulfilling the role of tutor, helping Lee Taeun with his studies.

Lee Taeun was particularly bad at math. So bad that he’d spend ages drawing diagrams to solve pyramid-shaped problems and then collapse, groaning, “That was so fucking hard…” Whenever she saw Jinhyun, Taeun’s mother would joke about Taeun’s test scores, which never exceeded 30 points, and ask Jinhyun to tutor him.

It was just a joke, but the young Jinhyun started tutoring Taeun out of a strange sense of obligation. To do so, he had to be perfect himself. At some point, he became the last student to leave the cram school.

“I’m an only child so I don’t really know, but if I had an older brother, he’d probably be just like you.”

Taeun, slumped over the thick math textbook, looked up at Jinhyun and said that. His mind, unable to factor polynomials, had seemingly factored itself into pieces, and he was listlessly doodling on his notebook. In this state, scolding him to study would be pointless.

“Call me ‘hyung.’ I’ll make you ramen.”

Jinhyun playfully responded, figuring it was time for a break.

“Hyung-nim!”

Taeun sat up abruptly, raised his shoulders, bowed his head, and gave him a mock gangster’s salute. Jinhyun found it funny and continued the joke a few more times, and Taeun readily called him “hyung-nim” and got his ramen.

Lee Taeun had a habit of stuffing his cheeks full when he ate something he liked. He also wore his heart on his sleeve. Watching his puffy cheeks, Jinhyun suddenly had a thought similar to Taeun’s.

If I had a younger brother, would he be like Lee Taeun?

As these days repeated, Jinhyun fell into the habit of looking after Taeun. The clumsy boy was a lot of work, but that was okay. That’s what older brothers do.

“It’s too formal. Just call me ‘hyung’.”

“H-hyung…”

So, when he heard Lee Taeun’s shy voice, the kick was involuntary. It was a childish surge of protectiveness, of a strange sense of loss.

The role of “friend” was blurring with this sudden confession, and the thought that even the role of “hyung” could be replaced by anyone filled him with a prickly resentment. He knew it was an overreaction, that it was just a title. Yet, he felt irritated.

Now there was only one role left that Lee Taeun could fill for him. But he couldn’t accept it.

Lover. A finite, imperfect, and utterly futile relationship.

Jinhyun regretted it a little. He’d never dwelled on his choices before. Mulling over the past was a waste of time. The past doesn’t return. Yet lately, he’d been repeating that very waste of time without realizing it.

Was there another way he could have kept Lee Taeun by his side? If he’d rejected him more firmly, would Taeun have gotten over it quickly? The small ruminations turned into self-reproach. Kissing Lee Taeun had been a fatal mistake.

After that night, he’d wandered around, racking his brains for a hundred days trying to find a reason. The answers he came up with were “sexual frustration” or “pity,” or perhaps both. It hadn’t been intentional, but it had been ages since he’d relieved himself.

Yeah, but unless it was extreme sexual frustration, there’s no explanation for kissing Lee Taeun and getting hard… He concluded it was a kind of physiological phenomenon. And Jinhyun came to a realization he hadn’t known before. I can get hard even when kissing a guy. It was a mystery of the human body he’d rather not have learned.

Should I just jerk off? But he wasn’t keen on the idea. If he went home, Lee Taeun would be there. Every time he saw Taeun’s face, the heavy feeling in his lower abdomen returned vividly, which was extremely unpleasant. He consciously suppressed the sudden surge of desire. He felt like he was being dragged into an unknown abyss. Nothing was going his way, and he was constantly irritated. It was a mess.

“H-hyung… Do you maybe like this…?”

And yet the source of all this chaos was chattering away. Whenever a whimper escaped Taeun’s annoying mouth, Jinhyun kicked the seat in front of him. It was a petty way to vent his frustration. The fact that the person sitting next to Taeun was the teacher he’d been so desperately looking for also annoyed him.

He was an eyesore, an earache, and a pain in the ass. Jinhyun wished he would just disappear somewhere else.

Finally, unable to stand it anymore, Taeun got up. Jinhyun waited, expecting him to say something more, but Taeun simply switched seats with the person next to him. Taken aback by this unexpected move, Jinhyun could only stare at Taeun in surprise.

Lee Taeun is avoiding me. It was absurd.

He probably asked the teacher to switch seats. The thought of the two of them chatting and laughing behind his back twisted his insides. Jinhyun let out a sarcastic laugh, hoping Taeun would hear. Taeun didn’t react. That irritated him even more. A lot. Immensely. Fucking immensely.

🔥

By the time they arrived, unpacked, and gathered, the simmering rage inside him had grown endlessly. Jinhyun suddenly felt exhausted. Don’t mind him. He told himself, but even without realizing it, his gaze followed Taeun.

The way Taeun walked with his head down infuriated him. And then he felt a perverse satisfaction knowing he was the cause. But seeing Taeun laughing and talking with the teacher made him think he’d rather stew in his misery. Is it really worth this much attention? Jinhyun wondered, then diagnosed his own condition. It seemed the shock of kissing a guy wasn’t wearing off easily.

He figured teasing Taeun would make him feel better. Without hesitation, Jinhyun shot him with a water gun. Chasing after the sputtering, fleeing Taeun made him feel good. It felt like they were back to their old days, playing together. Unsurprisingly, he lost the game, but he didn’t care. Lee Taeun was the only one who would be upset about losing a silly game like this. A petty sense of pleasure stirred within him at the sight of Taeun’s sullen face.

After helping the operations team carry luggage and taking a quick shower to wash off the seawater, the sky had turned dark. Taeun, who had showered first, was kneeling in the corner of the room, scribbling something on a piece of paper. Jinhyun slowly approached him, crouched down, and sat. Taeun’s hand, busily moving the pen, was restless.

“What are you doing?”

The frigid air between them had thawed somewhat thanks to the unexpected water fight. Jinhyun casually spoke, looking down at his still-damp hair. …Is he going to ignore me again? A faint worry accompanied his question. But Lee Taeun wasn’t that cruel to him.

“…Sketching a draft for the assignment.”

Just as he thought. Taeun’s sullen voice was monotonous. He lifted his head slightly. With the movement, his wet hair swayed gently, revealing his dark eyes, which stared calmly at Jinhyun. Jinhyun inhaled sharply, feeling a deep satisfaction spreading below his chest.

“Why are you doing that now?”

“I couldn’t do anything last week because I was pissed at you.”

“…Excuses.”

Cha Jinhyun sat down properly. The lines drawn on the paper were messy, as if things weren’t going well. He’d been teasing Taeun all day, so he thought he should cut him some slack. He was about to offer a compliment, scanning the meaningless lines, when—

“…Want me to draw you?”

Taeun, who had been twirling the long pencil between his fingers, suddenly offered to be his portraitist. Ever since he started attending art school, Taeun had been drawing ridiculous portraits. Jinhyun had been the most frequent victim of these bizarre drawings, clearly intended to tease him. He scoffed.

“How badly are you going to butcher it this time?”

“What? I can’t draw you badly after I started liking you.”

“…….”

Jinhyun was speechless. His closed lips felt parched.

This is what’s so annoying. After that kiss, he couldn’t laugh off remarks like this. Should he tell him to stop talking nonsense? What should he say? His agonizing deliberation led to a pregnant silence. Taeun’s eyes drooped downwards, seemingly discouraged.

“I’m saying you don’t have to worry because I can’t make you look bad even if I tried…”

Taeun mumbled discontentedly in the awkward silence. His tone was apologetic. Those words were strange. It sounded as if he’d been drawing Jinhyun all along.

“…Pack up and come out. We’re having barbecue.”

Jinhyun stood up abruptly. His plan to tease Taeun with silly jokes had vanished. He didn’t want to see the image of himself being drawn by Lee Taeun’s hand right now. He shouldn’t see it. He felt uncomfortable facing himself reflected in Taeun’s eyes.

His heart churned nauseously. A sudden, anxious unease pierced him. If he continued to indulge Taeun out of some misplaced pity, he felt like there would be no turning back.

Jinhyun reminded himself of the purpose of this strained relationship. Lee Taeun was his friend. Someone he would always be with. The oldest and closest person in each other’s lives. Were close. Should be close… He would do anything to go back, and he hoped Taeun would bear any wounds that might result.

Because I was hurt too. But I accepted you again.

He didn’t expect much from Taeun. Just like Taeun hadn’t expected much from him. He wanted just that much. Pain fades with time, and what ultimately remains is not the transient emotion, but the towering edifice of accumulated time.

He didn’t want to let go. Jinhyun gave a bleak smile.

🔥

It’s better to have too much than not enough. True to operations team leader Ko Gijeong’s mindset, they had a lavish barbecue party. Taeun patted his full belly. With the soju and beer they’d had throughout, the satisfying meal had eased his gloomy mood.

Throughout the meal, Jinhyun stayed away from Taeun and silently grilled the meat. His gloved hands moved busily, and the person sitting next to him occasionally placed a wrap in his mouth. Witnessing this scene, Taeun felt a brief pang of jealousy, along with deep admiration.

So there was such a natural and effective method.

It was a skill on a completely different level than his own clumsy attempt at a kiss. Taeun briefly regretted his complacency in failing to secure the seat next to Jinhyun, distracted by the food.

He realized anew how fickle the human heart is. Until this morning, he’d felt like collapsing in despair, yet he’d been foolishly happy running around the beach shooting each other with water guns. The insignificant spray of water from Jinhyun had effortlessly peeled away the scab that had hardened on his chest. It was frustrating to Taeun that he’d struggled for days to tear off that very scab. Beneath his awkwardly healed, tender heart, only a lingering ache remained.

We can’t keep avoiding each other forever… And I was in the wrong too… Cha Jinhyun spoke to me first, didn’t he? That bastard wants to make up with me too.

Taeun, in a much better mood, quickly rationalized the situation. What’s good is good. This sentence perfectly encapsulated his nature.

As the bottles of alcohol waiting in the fridge beckoned, the meal began to wind down. While clearing away the scattered dishes and trash, Taeun kept an eye on Jinhyun’s movements. This time, I’m definitely sitting next to him. His heart pounded with impatience. And then he realized.

There’s no need to hide it. He already knows everything.

Impulsive and decisive, Taeun quickly walked towards Jinhyun. He poked him in the side with his finger. The face that slowly turned to look at him widened in surprise.

He was grilling meat the whole time, did he even eat properly? He was also worried about Jinhyun’s hands, which had been hovering over the hot grill.

“Hey, let’s sit together when we drink.”

I’ll ask him later. Taeun swallowed the endless questions sprouting in his mind and confidently made his demand.

“Why?”

Having expected a simple reply like “Sure” or “Okay,” Taeun was taken aback by the unexpected question. Why? Is he seriously asking me why…

“Because I want to be with you.”

“…….”

So he kindly provided a reason. But the one who asked remained strangely silent. Taeun grew uneasy at Jinhyun’s firmly closed lips.

“You don’t want to?”

A light sheen of sweat formed beneath his lightly clenched fist. Was he wrong about the atmosphere thawing? He was about to press him again, unsure of what he was thinking, when—

“Yeah. Don’t sit with me.”

He truly didn’t expect to be rejected.

Is he serious? Or is this another joke? No, Cha Jinhyun wouldn’t joke with that kind of expression. Taeun’s face froze, stunned by the inexplicable coldness. Jinhyun turned his back and walked away. By the time Taeun came to his senses, it was too awkward to say anything more. He just stood there, dumbfounded, watching Jinhyun’s retreating back.

The spring sea air, now devoid of the hot sun, felt chilly. Jinhyun’s arms, exposed below his short sleeves, caught his eye.

…Isn’t he cold? He couldn’t bring himself to voice the pathetic concern.

🔥

Half the group ran out to the beach, yelling about fireworks. Everyone else moved inside the pension. It was inevitable that a drinking session would follow the barbecue. The group, initially sitting in a large circle, gradually dispersed into smaller groups.

Don’t sit with me. He wasn’t shameless enough to push after such a blunt rejection. Taeun subtly joined Cha Jinhyun’s group, but didn’t approach him directly. Even riding a rollercoaster wouldn’t cause his emotions to swing this wildly. He endlessly pondered the reason for the heartless rejection. He even wondered if Jinhyun was just grumpy from not eating enough.

But that didn’t seem to be it. Jinhyun casually sipped his drink, chatting and occasionally laughing with the others. He’s definitely upset with me about something. The conclusion he drew from the meager clues wasn’t good. Taeun carefully retraced the day’s events. Even thinking back to their last conversation, he couldn’t figure out what he’d done to upset Jinhyun.

…Was he really that bothered by my offer to draw him?

Since he’d had no intention of teasing him, it felt incredibly unfair if that was the reason.

Taeun mechanically munched on snacks, casually scanning his surroundings. The only other member of their group present was Kim Sunghyun.

“Shall I go first?”

The idle chatter eventually led to a drinking game. The person sitting across from him raised his hand with an excited voice. Since everyone had already had a drink or two during dinner, no one was entirely sober. Taeun, following suit, raised his right hand and spread his fingers.

The game they chose was the “finger-folding game,” also known as the “image game.” Taeun glanced sideways. Cha Jinhyun, with a bored expression, casually raised his hand.

“Fold if you’re a guy.”

Taeun quietly folded his thumb. This is the best part of the finger game. Taking out as many people as possible in one go, except for yourself.

“Fold if you’re in group 5.”

“Fold if you’re in the business administration department at D University.”

…Or, if that doesn’t work, focusing on one person and taking them down. Jinhyun’s fingers were already bent down to three.

“Fold if you’re wearing a wristwatch.”

Anyone with a modicum of social awareness could tell where this was going.

“Is there even a point in continuing this?”

Jinhyun, left with only his pinky finger, chuckled. He added a lighthearted joke to the targeted attack.

“Let’s fold for Cha Jinhyun!”

And the fifth one, of all people, was Kim Sunghyun. Jinhyun put his hand down. Cheers erupted around them at the game going exactly as planned. A brutal mixed drink of soju and beer, half and half, was delivered to him. Jinhyun accepted it without complaint.

“One shot!”

Encouraging voices, fueled by alcohol, filled the air. Taeun watched Jinhyun’s bobbing Adam’s apple with a worried gaze.

He can’t really hold his liquor. A small worry pricked at him. After downing the entire glass, Jinhyun carelessly pushed the empty glass to the floor and reached for water. Ooooh. People cheered noisily at the sight of the empty glass. It was now Cha Jinhyun’s turn, as the penalized player, to continue the game.

“I’m gonna take a break.”

“Aw, come on!”

The cheers turned into boos at the sudden declaration of a break. Jinhyun, unfazed, leaned back slightly. His unwavering refusal began to transform the group’s disappointment into gentle coercion.

“Then have a break shot!”

Someone refilled the empty glass with the same soju-beer mixture and offered it to Jinhyun. Excitedly swirling the glass, they were too caught up in the mood to notice Jinhyun’s hardening expression. Among them, only Taeun observed his mood through sidelong glances.

That bastard hates this kind of thing…

Taeun suddenly bit his lip, remembering an incident from a few years ago.

It was a high school reunion, a drinking party with a mix of close friends and a fair number of people he didn’t really know. While Cha Jinhyun was out for a smoke, a game started without him. Teams were divided based on the long table, and the losing team had to drink a penalty drink from a massive 2000cc beer glass. The method was a “friendship shot.” The last person had to drink all the remaining alcohol. Cha Jinhyun, who had just returned to the table, was pushed forward as the sacrificial lamb due to this brutal rule.

He was sitting at the end, and he arrived late, so he had to be last. This flimsy reasoning gained traction because of the alcohol. Just like now, everyone was slightly tipsy, so their judgment was clouded. When Cha Jinhyun was handed the beer pitcher, which must have held at least a bottle’s worth of alcohol, he immediately cursed, “What the fuck.” He drank only one glass and put down the bucket-like glass. It would have been fine if it had ended there, but someone he wasn’t close to started nagging him to drink it all. People tried to intervene, sensing the stiffening atmosphere, but the drunk guy wasn’t listening.

“Is this all your friendship amounts to, asshole?”

When the guy started shaking the glass in front of Jinhyun’s face, threatening to pour it over him, some of the alcohol sloshed out and splashed onto Jinhyun’s clothes. Jinhyun, who had been silently watching, wordlessly picked up the giant glass again. Until then, Taeun thought he was just playing along with the drunk guy.

Jinhyun poured the alcohol directly into the bowl of hwachae (fruit punch) that had been served as an appetizer. The noisy table instantly froze. Taeun, too, was speechless at the completely unexpected action.

“You seem really eager to become close with me.”

The culprit, having filled the hwachae bowl to the brim with alcohol, nonchalantly spoke.

“Drink half of it, buddy. You wanted a friendship shot, didn’t you?”

Cha Jinhyun jerked his chin at the food waste he had created. The guy who had been forcing the drink on him finally realized he was being mocked, his face turning red and then blue. The tense silence felt like the calm before a storm, as if a fistfight was about to break out. Watching this, Taeun quickly stood up. He had to intervene, even if it was nosy of him.

“Oh, man, what a waste of hwachae!”

Taeun pulled Jinhyun out of the table, making light of the situation. If he’d left things as they were, a brawl would have definitely broken out. Even as he was leaving, Jinhyun threw the menu at the guy and said, “Buddy, order more appetizers. I’ll pay,” rubbing salt in the wound.

Knowing his temper all too well, Taeun hurried over and snatched Jinhyun’s glass before anyone could say anything. If things escalated here, his club activities wouldn’t be smooth sailing. He quickly emptied the glass before anyone could react. As he put down the empty glass, people complained, asking what he thought he was doing.

“Knight in shining armor, knight in shining armor.”

He’d gulped it down too quickly, and his throat felt like it was clogged. Just as Taeun was pounding his chest and about to sit back down—

“I didn’t ask you to.”

A displeased voice cut through the air. Startled, Taeun turned his head to find the source of the voice. He met Jinhyun’s indifferent gaze, missing the chance to respond lightheartedly.

Another rejection.

This was the second time. The method was different from the times he’d been ignored like a ghost, but the sting was the same. The strange tension between them caused those sitting nearby to exchange glances.

“Hey, uh, Jinhyun, do you have a girlfriend? You do, right?”

People quickly changed the subject, trying to avoid the awkward silence. Dating, girlfriends, boyfriends. It was an appropriate topic to lighten the mood.

“No. I broke up a while ago.”

Jinhyun, who had been silently watching Taeun, answered casually.

“Whoa, really? I always thought you had a long-term girlfriend, oppa.”

“When did you break up?”

Their surprised reactions were genuine. They were sincerely curious about the unexpected answer.

“About three months ago…”

“Wow, that’s right around the time you’d still be thinking about her.”

Not really. Jinhyun leaned back slightly, placing his hand on the floor. As if to make a point, he fixed his gaze on Taeun. Taeun avoided his insistent stare and gulped down water. He had no interest in Cha Jinhyun’s dating life.

“If you’re not seeing anyone, should I set you up? A sunbae from my department saw your picture in the club album and kept asking who you were.”

Taeun was also feeling hurt by the repeated rejections, so he’d remained silent, not participating in the conversation. He was patiently waiting for the topic to change when the situation took a strange turn.

No way. Unable to put down his empty water glass, Taeun waited anxiously for Jinhyun’s rejection. His crossed legs fidgeted nervously.

I’m not asking for much. Just treat her like you treat me. You can do that much, can’t you? You can, right?

Reject her. Reject her. You have to reject her.

“Sure.”

“Really? Give me your number?”

“How old is she?”

Clang.

The stainless steel water glass hit the floor with an unpleasant sound. Startled by the sharp noise, Taeun, who had dropped the glass, held his breath.

Taeun was momentarily confused. He thought, for a second, that he’d actually heard the sound of his own heart shattering.

The attention that had been focused on Jinhyun suddenly shifted to Taeun. Several pairs of eyes stared at him questioningly, but he simply stared back, offering no explanation. The quick-witted Kim Sunghyun hurried to Taeun’s side, acting nonchalant.

“Whoa, Taeun, are you drunk?”

Sunghyun had been glancing at Taeun since the conversation about girlfriends had started. Of course, he didn’t know about the things that had transpired between the two, so he didn’t blame Jinhyun.

“Sorry, my hand slipped…”

Taeun apologized belatedly and stood up. A few drops of water had splashed from the empty glass, but the sound had been far more dramatic than the mess.

“Hey.”

Taeun stopped beside Jinhyun and lightly nudged his broad shoulder with his knee. Cha Jinhyun slowly raised his head and looked at Taeun.

“…Let’s go out for a smoke. Just you and me.”

Jinhyun, as if expecting this, stood up without protest. Sunghyun, who had grasped the situation, pulled the others back, loudly offering them drinks.

🔥

Taeun had no intention of actually smoking, so he walked for a while. Searching for a secluded, inconspicuous spot, he ended up leaving the pension and reaching the dark seashore. Jinhyun followed silently a few steps behind. The cold air was damp.

“What’s your problem?”

Stopping abruptly, Taeun turned and asked the question point-blank. The thorns he couldn’t quite conceal were sharp and pointed.

“Problem?”

“Yeah. Why are you being such a jerk? You’re taking it out on me.”

Despite trying to speak calmly, he couldn’t stop the resentment from seeping into his voice. Taeun scoffed inwardly. What was the point of lashing out, no matter how harshly? He couldn’t even scratch that impenetrable wall. The futile worry was laughable, and he pursed his lips.

Jinhyun didn’t answer immediately, instead taking out a cigarette and putting it in his mouth. Click, click. The sound of the lighter’s flint wheel stopped, and a puff of grey smoke dispersed into the air.

“I have a lot of problems.”

He casually answered with his second exhale.

“When are you going to stop?”

It was a vague statement. And yet, clear. Taeun’s heart constricted.

“…Stop what?”

“You know what I mean. Haven’t you done enough?”

Big mistakes are like thick ropes made of many small fibers.

A famous quote suddenly flashed through Taeun’s mind. The first emotion that hit him, as he was cruelly trampled by those words, was, ironically, regret. If he had known he would hear this, he wouldn’t have tried to talk. He hadn’t realized the repeated rejections since dinner were a warning sign. He’d foolishly taken the bait.

“…You were the one who told me… to try seducing you.”

That was all he could manage to say. Taeun felt wronged, even though he wasn’t sure why. That feeling was so overwhelming that everything else faded into the background.

“I did, didn’t I?”

“…….”

“You must have felt it too. That it won’t work between us.”

“…….”

“So let’s stop this. I don’t want to drift apart from you. If it’s too hard…”

Jinhyun, who had been speaking fluently, suddenly closed his mouth.

If it’s too hard, try seeing someone else. He hesitated, searching for the right words to follow, unable to bring himself to say that.

“Jinhyun. I think you’re mistaken about something.”

Taeun’s sudden interruption was as cold as ice.

“We can’t be friends anymore.”

And yet, at the same time, it was as fragile as melting snow under the sun.

Jinhyun’s gaze, fixed on the dark sea, snapped towards Taeun.

“Why?”

The instinctive question escaped him without hesitation. Jinhyun roughly tossed away his half-smoked cigarette. He took a large step forward, closing the distance between them. Taeun’s gaze followed his rising eye level.

“Why not? Everyone else around you is your friend, but I can’t be?”

The words tangled within him poured out without passing through his brain. Jinhyun was drawn into a momentary unease by the unfamiliar firmness in Taeun’s eyes.

“Yeah, whatever it is, it won’t be friendship.”

To Jinhyun’s dismay, Lee Taeun was sincere.

He couldn’t date a guy, and he didn’t want to let go of their connection either. Taeun’s words stirred up a violent storm within him.

“So make up your mind. I’m not saying you have to accept me right now, but if there’s no chance at all, tell me now.”

But Taeun couldn’t understand his agitated reaction. Cha Jinhyun was condemning him to eternal suffering. He wanted Taeun to be chained to a cliff, like Prometheus, having his liver eaten out without being able to die. So he wanted to ask, he wanted to beg, since he couldn’t dare impose his affections, to please just tell him the truth. Anything. Taeun wasn’t strong enough to endure this uncertain feeling indefinitely.

“And if I do?”

“…….”

“If I say yes, then what?”

It was a hypothetical question, but it was no different from admitting the truth. His feelings, exactly as Taeun had expected, pricked at his chest like thorns.

“If we’re not friends, then what are we?”

“…….”

Taeun couldn’t answer readily and scoffed faintly. He opened his mouth, the strange twist of his lips unchanged.

“…Just.”

“Just what?”

“Just… acquaintances.”

At the monotonous answer, Jinhyun let out a long breath. A dizzying rage, enough to make his vision flicker, shook his whole body. Taeun simply stared blankly at the cigarette butt Jinhyun had thrown away, saying nothing more.

Jinhyun took several deep breaths, scanning the empty space filled only with black darkness. If he didn’t calm himself down, he felt like he would grab Taeun by the collar. Acquaintances. He repeated the word in his head. A bitter laugh escaped him. A throbbing sensation from his fingertips to somewhere around his solar plexus was extremely unpleasant and painful.

“I told you to try your best. You did.”

“…….”

Like a mirage, the perfect form in front of Jinhyun distorted grotesquely. It contained time. Time he hadn’t wanted to let go of, and had hoped Lee Taeun wouldn’t let go of either.

“Introduce me to a guy.”

Jinhyun muttered in a flat voice.

“…What?”

“You said I should try. Dating isn’t just about kissing.”

A single impulse remained after the crimson wave of anger receded. He wanted to hurt Taeun. So much so that Taeun would give up, even now. Jinhyun, in his disarray, couldn’t think straight. Acquaintances. The end of the relationship he’d desperately tried to hold onto was so absurdly empty. He didn’t want to accept it. Unable to suppress his surging anger, Jinhyun lashed out.

“I should fucking see how far I can go with a guy too. I can’t even imagine it. It’s fucking disgusting.”

Taeun’s gaze, fixed like a nail, suddenly wavered. Fucking disgusting. Taeun rolled the words around in his mouth. They were like sharp daggers.

Taeun stepped back as Jinhyun approached. As the distance between them widened, Jinhyun’s cold face came into view. He knew those words were merely weapons meant to inflict pain.

“…Do you really need to look elsewhere? Use me.”

That’s why he didn’t want to be swayed. He showed a crude defiance. If he were to die and disappear from such a cheap weapon, he wouldn’t have come this far. Even though the situation was spiraling out of control, he had no intention of stopping it.

“Use me. I’m a guy too.”

“Are you seriously doing this so you don’t have to see me?”

Jinhyun’s loud, angry voice filled the alley. It was ridiculous. Taeun glared at the man in front of him, his face filled with sorrow. I’m the one who wants him more than anyone, who wants to be by his side. I’m the one who wants to scream more than anyone right now.

“I’m doing this because I want to see you, asshole.”

Enough to sincerely wish for even a meaningless relationship devoid of affection or love. Enough to inflate the futile hope that maybe, just maybe, if they slept together, the sliver of possibility would grow a little.

Although his damp face was tearless, Taeun’s voice trembled like a rain-soaked leaf. He didn’t know if it was from anger or fear.

“You think I can’t do it?”

Taeun suddenly lunged forward. Jinhyun’s hand, grabbing and pulling his arm threateningly, felt as though it was urging him to stop. He didn’t want to. Taeun’s head and heart had long been in disarray. Their gazes, devoid of reason, tangled messily.

“If that’s your best effort, then try it. I’ll play along.”

Taeun threw Jinhyun’s words right back at him. He felt the grip on his arm tighten immensely. The sharp pain made him feel like the bones beneath his thin skin would shatter.

A precarious silence rushed in like the tide and receded. Under the dim yellow light, Jinhyun couldn’t bring himself to let go of Taeun’s arm. It was the last moment he could turn back.

“Follow me.”

The words, bitten out through gritted teeth, scattered into the darkness.

🔥

They walked away from the sea.

The destination was unknown. Taeun followed Jinhyun, trudging along like a criminal, or a prisoner of war, stepping on his shadow. He rubbed his exposed arms against the chilly wind. He wasn’t sure if the goosebumps on his skin were from the cold. He huddled, regretting not bringing a jacket. It couldn’t be helped. He hadn’t expected to be wandering outside for so long.

The shadow he’d been following suddenly changed direction. Taeun subtly raised his head. They’d arrived at a place that seemed utterly inappropriate for what they were about to do.

“…Hey, where are we going?”

“To buy condoms.”

A concise answer came back after Taeun managed to ask the question, hiding his trembling.

“…Oh…”

Taeun let out a stunned sigh. Leaving him standing there dumbfounded, Jinhyun pushed open the convenience store door without hesitation. Reality crashed down on Taeun like a waterfall.

Right. If we’re going to do that, we need that. That…

He’d bravadoed about playing along, but the word “condoms” made his mind go blank. It had been a bluff, born out of the inability to tear apart his own blabbering mouth. Half a desire to do something, half a spiteful urge to make Jinhyun feel as fucking disgusted as he felt.

Thump, thump, thump.

His tattered heart beat like a drum. It wasn’t a pleasant excitement. It was closer to terror. The thing he’d imagined hundreds of times was right in front of him, and yet he wasn’t happy at all. Taeun paced around a small table, clutching his head, filled with a bitter tension.

This is… this is… This isn’t what I wanted. He stammered, licking his lips, unable to sort out the tangled mess in his head. Just then—

The chime of the convenience store door startled him, and Taeun quickly lowered his hand, standing at attention. Cha Jinhyun walked out, holding a pack of condoms as if to show him. His indifferent gaze swept over Taeun. The emotionless look hurt more than any harsh words, leaving a bitter taste in his mouth. Jinhyun started walking again. Like iron filings drawn to a magnet, Taeun helplessly followed.

He’d told Jinhyun to use him, but he hadn’t actually wanted him to. He’d wanted to become his lover, not a disposable test subject.

But at the same time, a twisted hope, reeking of decay, crept up Taeun’s body. If we sleep together, will he see me differently? Will this imperfect feeling at least sprout a small bud? He was already wallowing in the mud; there was no way for him to stop his self-destructive thoughts. Taeun finally understood the feeling of clutching at straws just before drowning in the vast ocean.

Jinhyun entered a random motel among the many lining the street. Dim lighting, a cramped counter, and a bunch of room keys. It was as if he’d deliberately chosen such a place. It was a shabby motel, the complete opposite of the romantic places Taeun had sometimes imagined. The short ride up in the unreliable elevator felt like an eternity.

“I’m showering first.”

Jinhyun tossed the key onto the desk as he entered the room. He headed straight for the bathroom without waiting for a reply, and Taeun didn’t bother saying anything more. He walked slowly to the bed and sat down. The old mattress sagged deeply, and Taeun’s pride plummeted further into the abyss. He felt utterly disgusted. He was used to being hurt by harsh words, but he had no immunity to this. He looked around the room with blank eyes.

The only remaining room was filled with a damp, musty air, like a basement room during the rainy season. The stale smell of cigarettes seeped from the sparse furniture, and the cramped space felt even smaller because of the large bed that dominated the room. To Taeun, this room, this wide bed, felt like a bathroom. A shabby bathroom where you briefly stop to relieve yourself, a place that existed solely for the purpose of discharging desires… And he and Cha Jinhyun were in such a place.

It was more horrifying than pathetic. He even felt a faint pang of guilt, as if this situation was his fault. Taeun let out a breath that felt like a gag, bent over, and buried his face in his arms. His back, small and rounded, curled up like a startled pill bug.

Every moment they’d spent together had become love at some point. That’s why he’d run away, overwhelmed by the endlessly growing feeling. But not now. For the first time, it wasn’t. This was the first place and time he felt disgusted to be with Jinhyun.

Was there any place that suited his words, fucking disgusting, better than this?

It was ridiculous to even bother showering in such a place. It wasn’t his body that was dirty, but his heart. Taeun suppressed a rising sob and walked towards the bathroom door. Lumps of emotion dripped from his dragging footsteps. He grabbed the old doorknob with a force that seemed like he would break it, then abruptly stopped. He was momentarily taken aback when the door, which should have been locked, opened easily.

“…What are you doing?”

The sight that unfolded before him was more absurd than anything.

Cha Jinhyun, who had said he was going to shower, was leaning against the wall, staring into space. He hadn’t taken off any of his clothes, and the floor was dry. Why hadn’t he noticed something was strange? He hadn’t heard the sound of water, even after all this time. Taeun scanned the shabby bathroom from one end to the other. An unopened pack of condoms lay discarded in the dirty trash can next to the toilet.

Ha. A sigh, like a cough, escaped him. …If we sleep together. The thought he’d been agonizing over felt so ridiculous that he almost laughed.

“Get out.”

A cold dismissal was directed at Taeun, standing at the doorway. He ignored the chilly rebuke and walked towards Jinhyun.

“Why did you throw away the condoms? Oh, you don’t need them because you’re a guy?”

“I said get out.”

Taeun stepped onto the cold tiles with bare feet. The chill that crept up his skin was particularly sharp, but he quickly got used to it. Adaptation was quick.

“Fine, if that’s what you want, let’s do it without.”

Taeun acted as if he were deaf. Before Jinhyun could say anything, he grabbed the hem of his T-shirt and pulled it up. As his pale torso was revealed, he reached for the waistband of his pants, about to pull them down, when a strong grip forcibly stopped his movement.

“Lee Taeun, what the hell are you…”

“Take your clothes off too. You said you wanted to see how far we could go.”

Taeun twisted his arm free and faced Jinhyun’s fierce expression. The deep bite marks on Jinhyun’s lips, from how much he’d been chewing on them, were clear. It all felt like a struggle to push him away, so Taeun stubbornly bent his knees.

“Or should I just suck you off? Close your eyes. A mouth is a mouth.”

Submerged in his emotions, he reached for Jinhyun’s crotch without hesitation. Crude and dirty. A wanton touch that perfectly matched the abyss Jinhyun had pushed him into. Startled, Jinhyun grabbed both of Taeun’s wrists. He pulled Taeun up, but his swaying body stubbornly sank back down. Jinhyun yelled roughly.

“Fuck, stop it!”

“Let go of me!”

Taeun struggled to free his captured arms. The tightening grip, the more he struggled, was agonizing.

“I didn’t come here to do this!”

A desperate cry echoed through the bathroom.

Taeun took short, ragged breaths, trying to calm his panting, but it didn’t help. Sob. Whimpers kept escaping his lips. He was crying. His arms, which had been tensely resisting, fell limply like withered leaves. His shoulders shook uncontrollably. His trembling lips soon broke into heavy sobs. Unable to bear the sight, Jinhyun covered his face and looked down at the floor. The suppressed sorrow burst forth, and his cries grew louder.

Jinhyun pulled Taeun’s arm and led him out of the bathroom. He sat the limp Taeun on the bed and brought a gown from the hanger, wrapping it around his bare torso. He sat on a worn chair next to the nightstand, Taeun’s tear-streaked face filling his vision. The steady drip of tears made his chest ache, as if it were blocked.

“…I can’t do it.”

It was a voice filled with agonizing deliberation. You think I can’t do it? Jinhyun recalled his own words. The words he’d spat out in anger boomeranged back and struck him.

“Why?”

“…….”

“Because it’s… fucking disgusting?”

Jinhyun couldn’t readily answer the trembling voice.

A burning sense of betrayal filled him at Taeun’s easy surrender. He’d wanted to hurt Taeun, and Taeun had been hurt, just as he’d intended. The tears streaming down his pale cheeks were proof.

But he didn’t feel any sense of triumph. Seeing Taeun meekly following him into this dirty motel had cooled his anger.

Lee Taeun’s desires were crystal clear, and he’d made it clear that he wouldn’t see Jinhyun unless they were in a relationship. So, even if they continued this ambiguous relationship indefinitely, nothing would change. Jinhyun had hoped Taeun’s love would fade, unable to endure the stagnant time. He’d deliberately spoken harsh words.

But at some point, his purpose began to wander, losing its way. For example, it was natural to be angry at Lee Taeun for avoiding him. But feeling his insides boil at the mention of the teacher Taeun had run into was a bit strange.

Jinhyun had become defensive, plagued by an unknown sense of unease. Nothing was going his way, and he felt suffocated by the unanswered questions. The more this happened, the more his resentment tilted towards Taeun. He even felt a sense of urgency to return to being friends, to end the torment that had begun with Taeun’s confession.

That impatience had ruined their relationship. The moment he’d entered the bathroom, he’d thrown the condoms in the trash. He didn’t even know what he wanted anymore.

“…No. You’re not disgusting.”

But one thing was certain. He hadn’t wanted things to end up like this.

“You said it was… fucking disgusting.”

Taeun’s voice broke with his gasping breaths. His words, choked with tears, were as jumbled as his feelings.

“I was angry… I just said whatever came to mind. I’m sorry.”

Taeun flinched at the sincere apology, then raised his head. His reddened eyes glistened with tears.

“…We’re not just acquaintances, are we?”

“…….”

“I’m sorry about what I did at the party too…”

Saying, I was angry that you liked me, felt somehow wrong. After pushing aside the complicated emotions he couldn’t explain, a simple apology was all he could manage.

“Taeun.”

Taeun’s eyes widened like a startled rabbit at the incredibly gentle tone. When Jinhyun called him so affectionately, he couldn’t help but anticipate what he was about to say.

“I’ve never considered dating a guy in my life. Honestly, I can’t even imagine it. Even now.”

Jinhyun laid down a foundation of truth and added a layer of lies on top. After grabbing Lee Taeun’s head and kissing him, he’d imagined it exactly three times. Each time, his mouth had gone dry. It was easier to dismiss the unnamed, suffocating feeling as discomfort.

“…Why… Why are you saying that now?”

“Taeun. Now…”

“You said you had to check. Just fucking do it. Do it, then. I’m not asking you to date me…”

“You don’t have to seduce me anymore.”

The moment he completely drew the line, Lee Taeun would leave him. Having experienced the separation once, his certainty deepened, and he’d been avoiding it out of fear. But seeing Taeun’s tears, again and again, had clarified things. He didn’t want to lose Taeun, but he also didn’t want to see that tearful face next to him.

“Let’s stop this.”

So, amidst the endless confusion, Jinhyun had reached a single answer. He had to stop. It had been presumptuous of him to think he could wait for the unknown end of Taeun’s feelings. Their relationship was twisting in an unforeseen direction. So he had to end it.

At the vague but firm suggestion, Taeun silently lowered his head. Tears dripped onto his knees, forming round, wet marks. Jinhyun, unable to bring himself to place a hand on Taeun’s shoulder, just repeatedly clenched and unclenched his fists. Right now, he was being deceitful. Taeun’s lips, which had been trembling for a while, finally parted slowly.

“If I…”

“…….”

“If I were a girl, would you have dated me?”

The question, uttered after a long hesitation, was pointless. Faced with such a meaningless question, Jinhyun entertained the futile hypothetical.

The thought that he wouldn’t have dated Taeun flitted through his mind. Why? There would be nothing to hold him back. He just didn’t want to force Taeun into a relationship with a high probability of ending.

But, if I had still met you…

“…I don’t know.”

If Lee Taeun were a girl… would we have gotten married?

Silence followed the ambiguous answer. Taeun took a deep breath and laboriously lifted his head. It was time to ask the question he didn’t want to ask.

“…Is this… really… a rejection?”

“Yes.”

It was the first straightforward, resolute answer in three years. Taeun’s round head dropped again. His chin, wrinkled like a walnut beneath his pursed lips, trembled slightly. Jinhyun took a short breath and continued.

“If it’s hard for you to see me, I’ll stay at my parents’ place for a while.”

It was the conclusion he’d reached after much deliberation. Taking a step back.

“Are you going to avoid me forever?”

“…….”

“I… don’t want that. That’s why I said I wanted to live with you.”

“…….”

“Let’s not drift apart. Please.”

If they could be together, he could endure a temporary separation. He had to endure it. They’d spent years just exchanging updates about their lives. This wouldn’t even register on the timeline of their relationship.

“…I’ll… try.”

Taeun reluctantly replied.

He swallowed a bitter curse. He felt like Jinhyun knew he couldn’t refuse such an earnest plea in that voice, and he felt stupid for being unable to refuse, and he felt incredibly frustrated and utterly wronged. Jinhyun let out a large breath, as if relieved. Even that hurt Taeun.

“But you stay at our place. If one of us has to leave… it should be me.”

“Where…”

“I have somewhere to go.”

Taeun cut him off and answered firmly. He had to figure out where to go from here. But it wasn’t the house he shared with Cha Jinhyun. It couldn’t be.

“…Can I still contact you?”

“…….”

“We’re not going to completely stop seeing each other, are we?”

“…….”

After a long pause, Taeun’s head bobbed up and down. Jinhyun suppressed the urge to ask where he was going, and when he would be back. Instead of pressing him, he said, “Thank you.”

He could wait. He hoped he wasn’t wrong this time. Jinhyun muttered to himself as if trying to hypnotize himself.

🔥

The walk back was more awkward than he’d expected. Taeun gradually slowed his pace, trying to put some distance between them. But Jinhyun matched his pace, rendering his efforts useless. As they arrived back at the pension, the noise from the still-ongoing party leaked through the cracks of the door. Taeun stopped abruptly, leaving Jinhyun to head for the entrance.

“Aren’t you coming in?”

Jinhyun turned around and asked.

“I need to… sort out my thoughts. You go in first.”

“…Okay. Come in soon, it’s cold.”

He didn’t like the idea of Taeun being alone outside at this hour, but he had no excuse to drag him inside. Jinhyun expressed his brief concern and turned away.

Only after confirming that Jinhyun had disappeared inside did Taeun collapse and sit down. The damp earth clung messily to his worn slippers and pant legs. The tears he’d managed to stop started flowing again, like a broken dam. He buried his head between his knees, trying to muffle the sound. A dim light flickered in his darkened vision.

There’s a saying that your life flashes before your eyes when you die. The times he’d loved so dearly, the man he’d loved so dearly, flashed through Taeun’s mind like a zoetrope.

Jinhyun’s eyes crinkling when he smiled, the corners of his lips turning upwards, his wrist with the black watch, his large hand, his low voice calling his name, his habit of leaning on Taeun’s shoulder, the faint scent that would waft over him… Everything that made up Jinhyun was dazzling like light, and sometimes Taeun would close his eyes, overwhelmed. In those moments, Taeun realized he could never escape. Jinhyun was even behind his eyelids.

“Sob…呜…”

His long-held love was dying.

Uncontrollable sobs burst forth. The seasons they’d spent together washed over him, soaking his cheeks. He wanted to carve out the memories. If he could, he would bash his head against anything until his brain was mush.

He was alone in mourning the end of a love that had begun alone. Only the blowing wind patted his lonely, pathetic back and disappeared.

🔥

Empty alcohol bottles were scattered haphazardly around the room. The noise that had filled the space was gone, replaced by complete silence after all the lights had been turned off. The deepest part of the night, just before dawn, was utterly still. Amidst the quiet, Jinhyun lay with his eyes closed, his hearing heightened. The only sounds were the soft snores and shallow breaths of the people who had fallen asleep drunk.

He picked up his phone, the brightness turned down to the minimum, and checked the time occasionally. He couldn’t sleep. Even as the night deepened, a nagging worry clung to him. Lee Taeun hadn’t returned.

Separate from his uneasy and restless heart, as the night grew darker, a subtle worry grew. It was one thing if he were at home. But he was in an unfamiliar place, late at night, after drinking, and near the sea. Despite his best efforts, worst-case scenarios crept in like fog.

Lee Taeun was prone to being swayed by emotions, and most of his actions were impulsive. And his impulsiveness intensified when he drank. The moment the image of Taeun, sobbing as he walked towards the dark sea, flashed through his mind, Jinhyun’s eyes snapped open. Worry turned into anxiety that began to suffocate him. His anxious unease tended to push his thoughts to extremes.

“…….”

He closed his eyes again, but unable to escape the swirling thoughts, he opened them once more. I should have just brought him inside instead of trying to sort out my thoughts. The anxiety, once amplified, spread through his body, pounding at every part of him. He clenched and unclenched his fists, trying to release the tension in his fingertips. Just as he was about to sit up, wondering where and how he should start looking for Taeun—

Creak. The faint sound of the heavy front door dragging against the floor dispersed into the air. Jinhyun, hearing the sound he’d been waiting for, laid his head back on the pillow and turned over his phone. The room was so dark that it made no difference whether his eyes were open or closed. He focused on the cautious footsteps that followed.

Sniffle, sniffle. Whimper…

The soft sobs faded as Taeun stealthily slipped into the bathroom. Drip, drip, drip. Hearing the faint sound of water, Cha Jinhyun sighed and rubbed his face.

He’d known Taeun would cry, but he hadn’t expected him to wander outside for so long, returning unable to stop his tears. His chest felt heavy, as if a boulder were pressing down on it.

The sound of water stopped, and the bathroom door opened cautiously. Taeun reached out and turned off the light before stepping out. He tiptoed towards a corner near the window, as if worried about waking the others, and lay down awkwardly. Jinhyun watched every single one of his movements, intently, as if counting them. He was already sitting up. He consciously held his breath, so Taeun wouldn’t notice his gaze.

He waited patiently for the occasional sobs to turn into quiet breaths. How much time had passed? Taeun’s wet breaths evaporated and mingled with the air. Similar breaths filled the room, but strangely, only Taeun’s soft breaths stood out, shimmering in the darkness. Jinhyun carefully got up and followed the sound. He stopped in front of Taeun and looked down. Taeun’s tear-streaked face was faintly visible in the dim light of the night.

Blankets and pillows were a luxury for latecomers. Taeun was lying next to someone he didn’t even know, clinging to the edge of a soft blanket, his arm as his pillow.

“…Ha…”

A deep sigh escaped Jinhyun at the sight of Taeun curled up as if trying to ward off the cold. Jinhyun glanced around, relying on the faint ambient light, and then picked up Kim Sunghyun’s blanket and pillow. Sunghyun, suddenly deprived of his pillow, simply mumbled in his sleep and rolled over, not waking up.

Jinhyun turned and carefully covered Taeun with the blanket. His movements were slow and cautious as he pulled the large blanket up to Taeun’s neck, as if afraid to wake him.

He slipped his hand under Taeun’s messy hair and placed the pillow beneath his head. Taeun’s tightly curled body relaxed. His tightly closed lips parted slightly, and he began to breathe evenly. Jinhyun stared blankly as Taeun, his face returning to its usual innocent expression, drifted off to sleep. His complicated feelings, tangled like a ball of yarn, eased slightly.

He really can’t stand the cold. Even though it was spring, the night air was still chilly. Jinhyun, leaning against the opposite wall, slowly reached out to Taeun’s cheek, then stopped just above his skin. He felt the faint coolness emanating from Taeun’s skin and withdrew his hand.

If he touched him with his much warmer hand, he might wake him. He wanted Taeun to sleep well. Instead of returning to his spot, Jinhyun quietly lay down next to Taeun. As he drew closer, Taeun’s face, previously blurred like ink in water, came into sharp focus. Similar memories of lying next to each other surfaced naturally, like smoke rising from a kindled fire.

The day after he’d confessed and run away, and Jinhyun had caught him and held him back. The morning Taeun had come to his room and shaken him awake, they had been lying face to face like this.

“Are you seducing me?”

“Yes. I’ve started.”

The image of Taeun confidently nodding and his resolute voice echoed in his ears. The corners of Jinhyun’s lips curved upwards in a faint smile. He’s such a weirdo. There was never a dull moment with him around.

He just hadn’t wanted to lose that simple fact. He’d thought that if he kept Taeun by his side, even by force, things would eventually go back to normal. This was less a conviction and more a blind faith, like a shepherd’s belief in God. Because there was nothing else he could do but vaguely hope for it.

Jinhyun moved his supporting arm forward, drawing closer to Taeun. Has he lost weight? His gaze, tracing Taeun’s sharp jawline, naturally drifted to his dry lips.

The slightly parted lips and soft breaths superimposed a similar memory fragment onto reality. The damp air, the quiet darkness, the faint blue light, and Lee Taeun lying next to him. It was a scene strikingly similar to that night they’d kissed. Even the hazy smell of alcohol on each other’s lips was a perfect match. As if mocking his struggles to suppress the memory, Jinhyun naturally recalled the breaths he’d shared with Taeun.

“…He doesn’t even know how to do it properly.”

A small laugh escaped him as he remembered Taeun clumsily sucking on his lips like a young animal searching for milk. Lee Taeun, barely able to catch his breath, had clung to him, wrapping his arms around his neck. There was nothing skillful about his movements. It was obvious, without asking, that it was his first time. A trivial question suddenly popped into Jinhyun’s head. Did he not see anyone because he liked me…?

The lingering thought brought up a belated question.

Since when did he like me? What about me, and how much does he like me? Why did he have to come back without stopping his tears?

Taeun’s face, tinged blue in the dim light, was unchanged, and yet somehow different. Jinhyun’s hand twitched involuntarily towards his pale face.

It was an independent movement, as if his hand had a separate will of its own. The aimless impulse wandered through the air for a moment, losing its direction. Like a flickering, faulty lightbulb, a strange vision flashed through Jinhyun’s gaze as it drifted through the darkness. An image of himself cupping Taeun’s dry cheeks, offering clumsy comfort. He blinked, trying to shake off the mirage created by his subconscious. His lost hand wandered through the air and then landed on Taeun’s temple.

“You’ll… be okay soon.”

Jinhyun brushed away the hair tangled in Taeun’s lowered eyelashes and whispered. He let out a shallow breath, ignoring the burning sensation in his throat.

“This is the right thing to do.”

Who he was saying that to was also unclear.

In the deep hours of the night, when everyone was asleep, the tide slowly, slowly, crept in, covering the shore. Amidst the subtle encroachment, Cha Jinhyun returned to his spot and closed his eyes.

Soon, dawn would break over the overflowing tide.

🔥

Taeun, who had cried all night in the cold darkness, woke up earlier than usual. As soon as he woke up, a slight muscle ache throbbed throughout his body. A lingering cough, a stuffy nose, and a stinging throat as he swallowed followed. Lee Taeun let out a short, choked breath, as if he were submerged in boiling water.

“…Ugh.”

A disagreeable sound escaped as he cleared his scratchy throat. This is just great, he thought. Aware of his less-than-ideal physical condition, Taeun covered his forehead with his hand, feeling a headache coming on. I think I might have a fever… It was hard to tell. Both his forehead and his hand were part of his body, so taking his temperature felt unreliable. I’ll feel better after I wash up. He dragged his sluggish body towards the bathroom.

When he came out after brushing his teeth and washing his face, a few people were already awake, clumsily tidying up their bedding. Taeun glanced at Jinhyun, who was brushing his teeth in the distance, then looked away. The memories of just a few hours ago clung to him.

It had been a wise decision not to go into the motel room with Cha Jinhyun. If he’d gone back in that state, he probably would have ruined the party, unable to contain his bursting sorrow.

Because it’s over. Completely over. Taeun had intended to cry a little and then go back. But his simple plan had been thwarted by the storm of emotions. His grief-stricken body, beyond his control, had leaked tears like a broken faucet. Later, afraid of being heard sobbing, he’d dragged his dirty slippers to the beach.

A heartbroken guy on the beach at night. It was a cliché straight out of a third-rate drama, but Taeun embraced the melodrama. He hadn’t even looked at his phone, which had been buzzing intermittently. After briefly recalling the messy memories, Taeun cleared his throat and pulled down his cap.

Plop. He sat down in a corner and reached for his phone. There was a reply to the message he’d sent earlier.

[Mom: Why?] 9:33

Whether his love succeeded or failed, the world remained unchanged, and time flowed relentlessly. As long as he was breathing, he had to live, and the realities he had to endure were piling up. Unable to blame the sadly mundane truths of life, Taeun had to deal with the problems at hand one by one. Staring at the chat window, he groaned and slowly moved his thumb.

[Mom, what if, hypothetically, I wanted to find a room, would you be able to help me? I’m not saying I’m going to, but you never know what might happen, so I’m just asking, just in case, and if you can’t, then I was just wondering, what if I took a leave of absence and went to you]

He was adding hypothetical upon hypothetical to his message, worried that his mother might sense something was wrong, when a new message arrived, lengthening the scroll.

[Mom: Did you eat, son?] 9:46

[Mom: Send me a picture. A pretty one~^^] 9:46

Taeun’s rapidly moving fingers slowed to a stop. Maybe it’s because I just got dumped. It was just a normal message from his mom, but strangely, his nose started to sting. Taeun deleted the long message he’d been writing.

Yeah… Even if I have nowhere to go, this isn’t it. Taeun turned on the camera and took a few selfies, cautiously glancing around.

His eyes, partially hidden by the black cap, thankfully weren’t too swollen, but they were noticeably red and raw. His skin, chapped from the cold night wind, and his unkempt face didn’t look healthy at all. If he sent this, it would be like announcing, Your son got properly dumped last night. Taeun deleted all the pictures he’d taken, scrolled through his photo album, and picked a decent one to send.