Simmering Heat Chapter 13.2

[Mom: Make sure you eat well~ You seem to have lost weight~] 9:47

[Mom: Don’t you have any pictures taken with Jinhyun?] 9:47

[Mom: Send me one~ I miss Jinhyun^^] 9:48

Reading the messages that arrived one after another, he was deeply relieved that he hadn’t sent the rash text earlier.

[He doesn’t like taking pictures, so I’ll send you one later.] 9:50

Could he actually keep that promise? A sudden doubt arose, and Taeun answered himself, No.

He’d said he’d try, that he’d go back, but he couldn’t bring himself to see Jinhyun anymore. They were still entangled in the same reality, so they’d occasionally run into each other, and they might even exchange messages from time to time, but they could never go back to being friends. He was certain of it as he walked along the night beach. This is what an ending feels like. Taeun was simply going to wait. Wait for Cha Jinhyun to accept the end between them.

[I’m at an MT right now, and I have to go soon, so I’ll contact you again when I get home.] 9:51

Taeun hurriedly ended the conversation before his mother could reply. He wished he could become a snail. He desperately needed a place to hide from Cha Jinhyun, even if it meant carrying a container on his back.

🔥

Quickly find a place to live. Completely forget about him. Lee Taeun’s plan hit a snag from the very beginning, and even by late lunch, after checking out of the pension, he hadn’t made any progress.

[How long can you put me up for, by any chance?] 9:58

He’d also sent a message to Park Kiwon as a backup plan.

[Park Kiwon, Design: 8 hours] 12:48

And just now, he’d received a truly despairing reply. Taeun, who had barely touched his kalguksu, forcing himself to eat something, swallowed his deep frustration as he clutched his phone. It was back to square one.

“Something happened between you two, didn’t it?”

Kim Sunghyun stealthily approached Taeun. His words, accompanied by a nudge to Taeun’s shoulder, made his already parched mouth feel even drier, as if he’d swallowed sand.

“What are you talking about?”

When he pretended not to know, Sunghyun pressed on, “Between you and Cha Jinhyun.”

“Huh? What? Tell me. Yesterday too… Something’s definitely going on between you two.”

Kim Sunghyun was either incredibly perceptive or annoyingly observant.

“…Are you guys… dating?”

Sometimes… he wasn’t so sure.

“We’re not dating.”

“Right. That’d be ridiculous.”

Taeun wanted to clamp Sunghyun’s mouth shut with tongs. Well, it wasn’t wrong. There was no way Cha Jinhyun would date him… The faint hope he’d been clinging to had completely vanished yesterday, so there was no reason to argue.

“I’ve been really worried since I meddled in your business. Taeun, I can’t sleep these days. I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep soundly until you find a decent guy, you know?”

“…Why are you torturing yourself?”

“That’s just how I am. I can’t stand seeing someone suffer. I even donate monthly.”

Does he think I’m pathetic? It was a comment that could have easily offended him, but Taeun felt like it was an opportunity. In a capitalist society, pity was a lifeline for a lost lamb without a home. Shamelessly, he thought, Should I ask him? If Kim Sunghyun lived alone, it would be the perfect refuge, since it was close to school.

“Hey, then can I…”

“You?”

“…Just for a few days…”

“A few days?”

…Stay at your place…?

But when it came to actually asking for help, he couldn’t bring himself to say it. Seeing him stammering like a fish out of water, Sunghyun tilted his head questioningly. Taeun paused and mentally listed the people who knew his situation. Sojin noona. Kim Hyoju. Park Kiwon. And Kim Sunghyun.

Jung Sojin and Kim Hyoju were out of the question since they commuted and were girls. Park Kiwon was the easiest option, but his place was too small to stay at for more than a few days. And then there was his stingy “eight hours”…

Was Kim Sunghyun really his only option? He knew Sunghyun would pry if he asked out of the blue, so Taeun decided to take the initiative. It was a gamble, based on Sunghyun’s statement that he couldn’t stand seeing someone suffer.

“…I got…”

“Come on, what is it? Don’t keep me waiting…”

“…Dumped…”

He mumbled the words and looked away towards the vast horizon. This is so embarrassing. Remembering the time he’d bragged to Sunghyun about making Cha Jinhyun hard, Taeun’s face flushed.

“…Yesterday?”

Nod. Lee Taeun bobbed his head up and down.

“At night? When you two went out?”

Nod. He’d answered enough. He wished Sunghyun would stop asking…

“Cha Jinhyun? Dumped you?”

“Yes, that’s what I said. I got dumped!”

Unable to stand it anymore, Taeun yelled, his voice hoarse. His voice cracked at the end, and his eyebrows furrowed. His throat hurt. Maybe that’s why he felt like crying again. He quickly fixed his gaze on Kim Sunghyun’s piercings. Luckily, looking at them always made him giggle.

“Taeun…”

After a brief silence, Kim Sunghyun patted Taeun’s shoulder a few times. Then, with a face full of pity, he shook his head and suddenly pulled out his phone.

“Just tell me. Girl? Guy? Tell me your ideal type. I’ll make a list for you right away.”

“Ideal type…?”

Taeun mumbled quietly. He hadn’t even thought about his ideal type, having spent years clinging to a hopeless love. They say you get over someone by meeting someone new. But dating was out of the question for someone without a home.

“You can do that later, but first, I need a place to…”

“Ah…”

A short, sympathetic sigh escaped Sunghyun, as if he understood.

“Well, I live in a dorm… It’s a single room, but do you want to sneak in?”

“…Wouldn’t we get arrested if we’re caught?”

“Nah, it’s not that serious. I’d just get kicked out.”

Despite his casual tone, the content was quite serious. Taeun shook his head instead of answering.

“Don’t you have any friends who live alone?”

“I have one, but… his place is tiny.”

“Well, shit. Guess I’ll have to stick to that tiny place, then.”

“I want to stick to it, but the tiny place won’t let me.”

Besides, he already had a history of leeching off that tiny place for a few days. The more he searched for a solution, the clearer his desperate reality became.

“Then… how about a factory? They provide room and board.”

“How would I go to school?”

“Take a leave of absence… Fuck, no way, Taeun, why would you take a leave of absence just because of Cha Jinhyun?”

Ouch. Kim Sunghyun’s firm tone reminded him of the message he’d deleted before sending it to his mother.

He’s right, that was a crazy idea.

Lee Taeun mentally crossed out the words “leave of absence” from his limited options.

“…What am I going to do?”

He still had nowhere to go. At some point, the two of them had moved closer, their heads together.

“Taeun, it’s almost summer.”

Sunghyun, who had been frowning along with him, muttered in a serious voice.

“So?”

“You can rent a tent by the Han River for ten thousand won. Just steal it.”

“…That’s stealing.”

“You can just pay them back double when you’re successful later.”

That was absolutely ridiculous. If he actually did that, he’d really end up in jail. And yet, he was slowly being persuaded, probably because of his desperate situation. Lee Taeun started to entertain the idea of “tent,” which had replaced “leave of absence” as an option, and his imagination ran wild. If I set it up on the school rooftop, it’s only a minute to the classroom, I won’t be late, and it’s free…

“…How much does a tent cost…?”

No matter how desperate he was, he couldn’t steal, so Taeun slightly shifted his approach. Just as he, exhausted from repeated setbacks, was running his faulty happy circuits and seriously considering the idea—

“It’s still too cold for that.”

A third party intervened in their conversation. Startled, Taeun flinched and turned his head. Seo Jaeoh stood there, chuckling in disbelief. Taeun’s heart sank, not knowing how much he’d heard, or since when.

“Taeun, are you looking for a place? Weren’t you living on your own?”

“Well, about that…”

It seemed Jaeoh hadn’t heard about him being dumped. Taeun was relieved, but only briefly, as he racked his brains for an answer.

“He got dumped…”

Taeun stomped on Kim Sunghyun’s foot as he blabbered. People get dumped, but that doesn’t necessarily lead to running away from home. Sunghyun, realizing this belatedly, placed a hand over his mouth.

Haha… Taeun forced a smile, and Sunghyun mirrored him. Seo Jaeoh, watching their awkward exchange, gently smiled. Just then—

“Kim Sunghyun! Stop playing around and come help!”

The operation team leader’s shout reached them from afar. Kim Sunghyun, a club executive, let out a sigh of relief and started backing away.

“Taeun, I’ll look into it for you.”

Taeun decided to magnanimously forgive Sunghyun’s slip-up, since he’d at least tried to offer comfort.

“Where were you yesterday?”

“Huh?”

An unexpected question came from behind Taeun, who had been watching Kim Sunghyun walk away.

“I kept calling, but you didn’t answer, so I was worried.”

“Oh…”

We were supposed to drink together. Taeun belatedly remembered their promise. They’d been exchanging messages about when he would arrive, up until dinner time.

“Yesterday…”

I went to a motel with Cha Jinhyun to have sex, but I ended up getting dumped and cried my eyes out. He buried the truth, which he couldn’t reveal even at knifepoint, deep in his heart.

“I went out for some fresh air because I was drunk, and… I went out, and I think I fell asleep… Were you waiting for me, ssaem… I mean, hyung?”

He had no excuse. Taeun offered a rambling explanation, observing Seo Jaeoh’s expression.

“I waited. I was worried. Are you okay? You look really pale.”

“Oh… I’m really sorry. I was so drunk.”

“You seem to have a fever.”

Jaeoh’s hand lightly touched Taeun’s forehead as he apologized profusely.

“Take some medicine and get on the bus later.”

Seo Jaeoh declared, lowering his hand with a slightly stern tone. Taeun, feeling the clear difference in temperature, realized he did have a fever and nodded briefly.

“So, why are you moving out?”

“Well…”

Taeun’s eyes darted around beneath his messy bangs. His reluctant voice trailed off.

“I had a fight… with my friend.”

He couldn’t tell the truth, so he had to make up a plausible lie. He felt a bit embarrassed, as if he was always fighting with his friends.

“Ah…”

He’d expected a similar reprimand as before, “Why are you always fighting?”, but he was wrong. An unreadable sigh escaped Seo Jaeoh’s lips.

“You were living with a friend?”

“…Uh… yes.”

Come to think of it, he’d never mentioned having a roommate. Was the sigh-like sound an expression of his being hurt by this omission? Taeun could only guess.

“Was it your fault, Taeun? There probably aren’t any empty rooms during the semester.”

“…I guess you could say it was. My friend paid the entire deposit for our place… so I’m moving out for a while.”

It was complicated to assign blame. Taeun explained the situation briefly, omitting the important details.

“Was it the friend you were with yesterday?”

“Huh?”

“The one who kept kicking you from behind.”

“Uh… yeah. Him.”

Seo Jaeoh’s eyes scanned the surroundings, then stopped abruptly at a certain point.

“He seems to care. He keeps looking at you.”

A light smile touched his lips. His friendly face didn’t look particularly happy, even with the smile.

“Is he?”

Taeun replied casually, not knowing what else to say. In the past, he would have craned his neck to see where Jinhyun was, but now he just felt uneasy. The fact that Cha Jinhyun was watching him was actually uncomfortable.

“Do you have somewhere to go?”

“For now… the Han River…”

As soon as he said it, it sounded like he was going to commit suicide. It was too late to correct himself and say “tent,” so Taeun just closed his mouth.

“So, you want to move out, but you don’t have anywhere to go.”

“…You summarized it perfectly.”

Taeun lowered his head, embarrassed that his homelessness was so obvious. He felt like a lost child in a vast amusement park. It was too embarrassing to continue the conversation. Just as everyone was gathering to take a group picture, and Taeun was about to step back—

“How about here?”

Seo Jaeoh, who had been quietly fiddling with his phone, suddenly raised his arm as he approached Taeun. With each flick of his thumb, the pictures on the screen scrolled by. The interior of a neat studio apartment filled Taeun’s vision, a tantalizing image.

“It’s… really nice.”

“Really? Do you like it?”

It wasn’t like Taeun hadn’t looked at real estate apps. He’d been doing it since the day he’d confessed to Jinhyun and run away to Park Kiwon’s house, spending two days scrolling through listings until his fingerprints wore off.

“But I don’t really have… money right now. My budget is really… small.”

But rent in Seoul wasn’t cheap. Lee Taeun recalled the 370,000 won in his bank account and spoke in a wistful voice. It was barely enough for monthly rent, let alone a deposit.

“The rent here is really cheap.”

“…How much is it?”

He knew the definition of “cheap” would be vastly different for a working adult and a college student… But he couldn’t ignore Jaeoh’s kindness in looking for a place for him, so he asked the meaningless question.

“0 won.”

“Huh?”

…Is he joking? Taeun’s voice rose strangely at the end of his question. Seo Jaeoh, whom he looked up at, had a serious expression on his face. If he wasn’t joking…

“Oh… is it… a jeonse (lump-sum deposit)?”

“It is a jeonse. It’s my place.”

This time, he couldn’t even ask a question. He had no idea if Jaeoh was serious or teasing him. Taeun just stared blankly at him. Seo Jaeoh, reading the confusion on Taeun’s face, let out a chuckle and spoke.

“It’s better than a tent by the Han River, isn’t it?”

And then Taeun finally understood Seo Jaeoh’s intention.

“Uh…”

A long, drawn-out sound, like a fool, escaped him reflexively. His extremely limited options had just increased by one. A new roommate.

“…Huh?”

It was an unexpected offer.

🔥

It wasn’t easy to readily accept the lifeline Seo Jaeoh had extended.

Even for a short period, having someone move into a place you’ve been living alone in meant considerable inconvenience. He wasn’t brazen enough to immediately say yes, but since he had nowhere else to go, he’d postponed his decision, saying he’d think about it.

Lost in thought, Taeun gathered his friends to get their opinions. He used the “eight hours” bestowed upon him by Park Kiwon and chose his place as the meeting spot. The members were the usual suspects.

“What’s the problem? Just move in. What if he changes his mind? Are you really going to live in a tent?”

Crack. Kim Hyoju opened her third beer can and bombarded him with questions in her boisterous voice. Taeun lightly clinked his can against hers and took a sip of the fizzy drink. His throat still stung.

“Does he know you moved out?”

Sojin, sitting on the bed, asked an unexpected question. “He” referred to Cha Jinhyun.

“He does. I told him.”

“Whoa, he just let you leave? He’s cold-hearted.”

“…Well…”

That wasn’t entirely true…

Taeun trailed off, recalling the previous day.

As soon as he arrived home, he’d roughly stuffed his clothes into a large suitcase. The medicine he’d taken before getting on the bus had lasted until the evening. While packing his things, fighting off drowsiness, he heard a soft knock from behind. The door was already wide open, so it was just a formality. Taeun awkwardly turned around to see Cha Jinhyun leaning against the doorframe, looking at him askance.

‘Where are you going?’

Taeun didn’t answer immediately and looked towards the unmade bed. He hadn’t decided on anything yet. But he knew. He knew exactly where he’d be eight hours later. So the destination was set. There was no reason not to tell him.

‘…Do I have to tell you?’

Yet a strange resistance arose. It was a complicated mix of will and lack thereof. He shouldn’t like Cha Jinhyun anymore. They’d been so close that they needed to create some distance. Moreover, he didn’t want to act like an idiot, reporting where he was going and when he’d be back, after being so thoroughly dumped.

‘You don’t have to.’

‘…….’

‘Why, are you running away again?’

His flat voice sounded somewhat angry. Taeun wanted to say yes. What was the point of forcefully prolonging a relationship that was already over?

If there came a day when he could see Cha Jinhyun without feeling anything, that was all Taeun wished for. But not now, not for a while, and maybe never.

‘…If I wasn’t going to see you again, I would have told you then.’

But instead of being firm, Taeun changed the subject. He still felt a slight pang of guilt for the way he’d treated Cha Jinhyun.

‘Tell me where you’re going, and I’ll help you move. I won’t follow you.’

‘I can do it myself.’

Even so, Cha Jinhyun’s attitude only confused him. Annoyed by his persistent questioning, Taeun snapped back. He was startled by the coldness in his own voice and glanced behind him.

‘Just… leave me alone. I’m trying really hard to grant your wish.’

He offered an excuse, turning his gaze away so he wouldn’t have to see Jinhyun’s surprised and seemingly flustered face. Taeun resumed packing. An exhausted sigh came from behind him. Cha Jinhyun turned and left. The next day, as soon as the sun rose, Taeun shouldered his meager belongings and headed to school. After his morning classes, they gathered at Park Kiwon’s place, and now here they were.

“That crazy bastard… He kissed you and then said he couldn’t date you? Wow, seriously. Bring him here. That bastard’s out of his mind. I’ll shove a soju bottle up his ass to make him come to his senses.”

Taeun briefly summarized why he had to move out and how he’d found a new place to live. Of course, he couldn’t bring himself to mention what had happened at the MT. I confessed, and he rejected me. We kissed, and he rejected me again. He wants to be friends. The fragmented story, when strung together, formed a single, sorrowful sentence. Kim Hyoju, having heard the whole story, started cursing at Cha Jinhyun.

“And then what? He wants to stay friends? Is there such a thing as a friend you make out with?”

“…Right? There isn’t, right?”

Lee Taeun readily agreed. He felt particularly wronged about the “kiss.”

“Of course not! If he didn’t like it, he should have fucking called the cops. He happily accepted it and then wants to be friends? Seriously.”

“Right? That’s not right, is it?”

“Hell no. Not even if the East Sea dries up and Mount Baekdu wears away.”

Taeun nodded vigorously like a devout follower, captivated by Kim Hyoju’s eloquent rage.

Even after their passionate kiss, Cha Jinhyun had acted as if making out was no big deal. So Taeun had been incredibly confused. He’d even blamed himself, wondering if this was nothing to people with dating experience, if he was just being old-fashioned.

“What’s the point of talking about it now that it’s over? Taeun, you’ve done enough. Just move on. What can you do if he says he can’t date a guy?”

Sojin, munching on snacks, offered some realistic advice.

“I will. It’s really over…”

Taeun slowly nodded. His mouth felt unusually bitter as he spoke.

“Yeah, so just move into that teacher’s place for now. Out of sight, out of mind. You said it’s only a 20-minute subway ride to school.”

“And he’s not even charging you rent?”

“Wow. A studio apartment cheaper than shoes.”

Kim Hyoju and Jung Sojin bantered, patting Taeun on the shoulder. They didn’t understand how he felt. If Jaeoh had at least charged him rent, he might have readily accepted the offer.

“…Isn’t it too… shameless? Living there for free…”

“Hey, take it while you can. Think of it as good karma.”

“Or you could work for him instead of paying rent. There’s a lot to do when you live alone.”

Taeun’s head shot up at Sojin’s casual remark.

“Work…?”

Realistically, moving into Seo Jaeoh’s place was his only option. The reason he’d gathered his friends wasn’t to discuss whether or not he should go. It was to discuss how he could move in with as little shame as possible. To do this, he’d inevitably had to bring up Cha Jinhyun, and, as expected, the conversation had gone off on a tangent and was back to square one.

But just now, Jung Sojin’s words had sparked an idea. He’d been bothered by receiving without giving anything in return, especially since Seo Jaeoh had firmly refused his offer to pay rent. He’d felt like he could accept the offer gratefully if he could be of some help, and now he had a reasonable option.

Taeun grabbed his phone from the floor and hurriedly opened the messenger app. Tap, tap, tap. His thumb moved with determination.

[Ssaem Seo] 7:38 PM

[I won’t ever forget this kindness] 7:38 PM

[Leave all the housework to me. I’m confident.] 7:38 PM

Oh, he told me to call him hyung. Taeun, looking over the messages he’d already sent, reflected on his small mistake and downloaded all the part-time job apps. Even though it was quite far from school, there were some goshiwons (small, single-room accommodations) that didn’t require a deposit. I’ll get a part-time job, stay at his place until I get paid, and then move into a goshiwon next month…

Taeun briefly envisioned his difficult future. Cha Jinhyun was no longer part of his rough plan. He had to make it that way.

🔥

In the end, Taeun stayed at Park Kiwon’s place for much longer than eight hours. The reason was simple. Before gathering his friends, he’d realized something during his morning class. He’d left a lot of his things behind.

Midterms were just around the corner. In Taeun’s design department, exams were often replaced with assignments. Grades were based on the final submission of assignments, after repeated feedback and revisions. Missing a week at this time of year was obviously detrimental to his grades and a surefire way to get on the professor’s bad side. And Taeun, forced to walk down this path, sat listlessly amidst his classmates, diligently clicking away at their mice.

Without his USB drive containing his work or his laptop, he killed time by fiddling with the computer attached to the desk. Whenever he made eye contact with the professor, he’d put on his most harmless smile and inwardly swallow his tears.

Laptop, lecture materials, external hard drive, USB drive… Lee Taeun mentally listed the essential things he needed to take. It’s not like I’m a clothing salesman. He was annoyed that he’d only packed clothes, thinking only of his immediate needs for food, clothing, and shelter.

He’s out of his mind. Park Kiwon, sitting next to him, offered a casual taunt, but Taeun didn’t argue. It was true. He was trying to maintain his composure, but he wasn’t exactly in his right mind.

The night he decided to move into Seo Jaeoh’s place, Taeun had memorized Cha Jinhyun’s class schedule and waited for a day when he had a full schedule. That was why he’d stayed at Park Kiwon’s place for another day. And now, Lee Taeun was sneaking into his own house like a thief, busily pacing around his room.

He naturally recalled how he used to go home whenever Cha Jinhyun had a break between classes. The schedule he’d memorized to maximize their time together was now being used for the complete opposite purpose. His chest felt empty, as if he were looking at the stump of a tree that had been cut down. It was a tree that Taeun had carefully nurtured for years.

The end. Taeun had drawn the line himself and was desperately trying not to cross it. He walked resolutely, wanting to escape the ruins ravaged by the massive tsunami. But sometimes, the debris of his shattered love would grab at his ankles. In those moments, Taeun couldn’t shake it off and would stop foolishly.

He’d suddenly space out while eating, or lose his way while walking. He’d often find himself in a completely different place than he’d intended. The moments of emptiness, arriving without warning, were no different now. His brisk movements gradually slowed and then stopped. Beep. A sharp ringing in his ears stretched out, and his mind drifted further away. Taeun stood frozen, as if time and space had stopped.

“Oh.”

The sudden buzzing of his phone pulled him back to reality.

It was a notification that the taxi he’d called had arrived. Taeun, who had been debating whether or not to take his blanket, turned and left it behind. He didn’t look back until he was out the door. He felt like he’d be caught again if he lingered, reminiscing about the short-lived memories in that space.

Taeun loaded his luggage into the taxi’s trunk and got into the back seat. The low-slung car followed the directions on his phone, its wheels spinning vigorously. Feeling suffocated, he rolled down the window slightly and leaned his shoulder against it. His eyes, fixed on the scenery outside, gradually lost focus. A faint ringing tickled his ears.

🔥

Upon arrival, Taeun went into a cafe and waited for about two hours for Seo Jaeoh to get off work. He opened his laptop and started working on his overdue assignments, and the two hours flew by. He came to his senses when he received a call from Seo Jaeoh. 6:25 PM. Jaeoh, who had finished work, asked where he was, and Taeun gathered his things and left the cafe. He stood at the entrance of the officetel, forcing himself to take the difficult steps towards Seo Jaeoh. Even though Jaeoh had told him to come early, Taeun’s earlobes flushed with embarrassment.

So Taeun started babbling about how grateful he was to Seo Jaeoh, and how he would repay this kindness.

“Seriously, I’d even be your guarantor if you asked me to.”

His declaration of gratitude escalated to, “I’m so grateful that I’d even be your guarantor.” Seo Jaeoh was pressing the 11th-floor button on the elevator with a practiced hand.

“I’m not joking, seriously. I wouldn’t even hesitate.”

Taeun’s voice was sincere as he reiterated his point. Seo Jaeoh, who had been watching Taeun with a bewildered expression, flicked his forehead.

“Don’t say things like that so carelessly.”

“I mean it…”

He truly felt like he wanted to give Seo Jaeoh anything he needed, no matter what. If it weren’t for him, Taeun would have probably ended up asking his mother for help or wandering around like a homeless person, sleeping in the club room.

‘11th floor.’ 

The elevator doors opened with the announcement. Seo Jaeoh stepped out first, and Taeun quietly followed. His apartment was the closest to the elevator, among the metal doors lining the clean hallway.

“I’ll send you the passcode by text. Write it down.”

Seo Jaeoh skillfully entered the passcode. Taeun quickly nodded, then feeling a pang of guilt, he said,

“Okay. I can wait outside.”

“Really, it’s fine. I invited you.”

His tone was gentle, like he was soothing a child, and yet firm.

“Still…”

Taeun mumbled.

“Come in.”

Seo Jaeoh cut him off, as if he didn’t need to hear any more, and opened the door.

The space, filled with the subtle scent of a diffuser, seemed just the right size for a single person with a separate bedroom, and Taeun felt even more apologetic. He walked towards the small sofa in the living room, assuming it would be his bed. The wall facing the entrance, next to the sofa, was entirely taken up by a large window, offering a clear view of the outside. It almost looked like a hole in the wall.

“Have you eaten dinner?”

“Uh, yes, no?”

Taeun, who had been looking out the window, answered with a start. His short reply was laced with tension. It seemed he’d need some time to adjust to the unfamiliar environment.

“It’s our first day living together, so should we eat out?”

Seo Jaeoh suggested, the corners of his lips turning up. The nuance was a bit strange. It was true that they were living together, but… could taking in a homeless person be considered “living together”? At some point, Taeun had stopped feeling any dissonance in identifying himself as a “homeless person.”

“I’ll pay.”

This was his first chance to repay Seo Jaeoh’s kindness. Taeun responded with a slightly abrupt statement.

“Please… let me pay.”

He quickly added,

“Please, please, please.”

At Taeun’s repeated pleas, Seo Jaeoh gave in and nodded.

“Okay, but stop feeling sorry for yourself after we eat.”

He added a simple condition. Taeun made a thoughtful sound, “Hmm…”, as if facing a difficult problem.

“I’ll try.”

He gave a noncommittal answer. Seo Jaeoh chuckled, a bewildered expression on his face.

🔥

He left the dinner menu entirely up to Seo Jaeoh. Jaeoh led Taeun to a nearby chicken restaurant with familiar steps. They ordered a whole fried chicken and some beer, chatting idly as they filled their stomachs and quenched their thirst.

Taeun talked incessantly. He acted as if there couldn’t be any silence, and conversely, it was a desperate attempt to block out other sounds.

I’m glad I’m not alone. Taeun had a childish thought. The ringing in his ears wouldn’t stop when he was in a quiet place. When it started, Taeun would freeze, unable to move, and fragmented memories from the past would surface, tormenting him. So, when he was alone, he would deliberately replay Cha Jinhyun’s harsh words in his head. It was like scraping away the residue of a sticky sticker with a knife. He had to make rough cuts to remove it cleanly. It was a form of self-harm, in a distant sense.

“Hyung, you’ve probably dated a lot, right?”

So, this much was okay, wasn’t it? The desire to find comfort, to feel better by borrowing someone else’s experience. In the relaxed atmosphere created by their casual conversation, calling Jaeoh “hyung” felt more natural than before.

“What’s with that confident tone?”

It was a sudden change of topic, but Seo Jaeoh responded calmly.

“Well, you’re at that age…”

Taeun replied wistfully, transferring a piece of crispy chicken breast to his plate and shredding it with a fork. His giggling seemed quite smug. Seo Jaeoh glanced at him playfully.

“Hmm, not really… I haven’t dated much.”

“How many times?”

“About… five times?”

…That’s a lot. Taeun swallowed the words that were about to burst out.

“Do you have a girlfriend now?”

“…No. If I did, I wouldn’t have brought you here.”

Why? Taeun stopped himself from asking the thoughtless question. …Why indeed. He briefly scolded himself inwardly.

“So you broke up five times?”

“Well… yeah. Why are you suddenly asking?”

“Just curious…”

How did you get over them? When did you feel better, and when did you forget about them? Don’t you keep thinking about them? Did you stay friends after breaking up? Is that even possible? I don’t think I can…

Taeun struggled to suppress the questions bubbling up in his throat. He couldn’t bring himself to ask about his own situation directly.

“What about you, Mr. Lee Taeun?”

He stalled, chewing on the dry chicken and buying time, when Seo Jaeoh suddenly turned the conversation towards him.

“Me?”

“Have you dated anyone in college?”

“I…”

Haven’t. Lee Taeun stuffed his cheeks with chicken, pretending that his full mouth made it difficult to answer, buying himself more time.

He’d received a couple of confessions, but he’d rejected them all. A sudden sense of injustice washed over him. While others were enjoying their fleeting youth, dating freely, he’d been nursing his aching heart, watching from the sidelines.

“I, uh…”

It was incredibly embarrassing to reveal his pathetic situation, to admit that he’d never dated anyone. He knew it wasn’t something to be ashamed of. Is this the result of society’s harsh judgment of people who’ve never dated? Society was the problem. While he was stammering and mentally condemning Korean society, Taeun patted his pants pocket. His phone vibrated timely, and he pulled it out, tilting his head slightly.

“Uh… hyung, I need to take this call.”

It was an unknown number. There was no saved name.

He briefly wondered if it might be Jinhyun, but then dismissed the thought. Seo Jaeoh slightly furrowed his brows, seemingly puzzled by Taeun’s sudden need to move, but noticing the noisy atmosphere of the restaurant, he simply nodded.

Taeun swallowed the food in his mouth and stood up.

“Yes, tomorrow is fine.”

—Then let’s meet around 5.

“Okay!”

—I like your enthusiastic response.

“I’m, uh, good at greetings.”

—Oh, really?

Ehehe, Taeun chuckled awkwardly, making light of the situation. He heard a similar chuckle from the other end of the line, and the short call ended after confirming their appointment.

His expectation hadn’t come true. Cha Jinhyun had never once lived up to his expectations. It wasn’t anything new. Taeun, disgusted with himself for even having a sliver of hope, kicked the wall of the restaurant. He’d kicked harder than he’d intended, and his toes throbbed, so he crouched down and pressed on the front of his sneakers.

The caller was the owner of a bar near the school. He’d received a call about the part-time job he’d applied for last night sooner than expected, and a job interview had been smoothly scheduled. It was a stroke of luck for Taeun.

I’ve never worked at a bar before. He joked lightheartedly, but he couldn’t help but feel worried. He’d spent all day searching for easy part-time jobs, but now, past the middle of the semester, the only jobs left near the school were physically demanding ones that involved dealing with a lot of people. He wasn’t in a position to be picky, so he’d applied for everything he saw, and this brute-force method seemed to have worked.

Lee Taeun patted his pockets, wondering if he should have a cigarette. He popped the capsule, lit the cigarette, took a deep drag, and exhaled. Smoke billowed up. Through it, like the Little Match Girl’s fantasy, the memory of his first part-time job unfolded.

It was during summer vacation of his sophomore year.

Two days on the weekend, from 10 PM to 7 AM, with a slightly higher wage than the minimum wage at the time. The night shift position at the convenience store had seemed decent, and he remembered being happy when he received the acceptance message. He’d been filled with a mixture of nervousness and anticipation for the new experience.

Five hours into his first shift, Taeun had been unable to bear the gap between his expectations and reality and had let out a string of curses. He’d been stacking endless boxes of soju and beer in the refrigerator, and his arms had developed solid muscles within two weeks.

Later, he’d rationalized, This is a paid gym… as he carried the boxes. After three hours of nonstop work, he’d finally understood. This is why the job posting never went down, despite the high hourly wage…

From the day after this belated realization, Taeun had started calling Cha Jinhyun. Jinhyun would ignore him one out of three times, curse at him once, and the remaining time, he’d come grumbling, help him organize the stock, and then haggle for cigarette money. After they finished organizing, they would sit side-by-side and watch movies on Cha Jinhyun’s laptop. Eventually, Jinhyun even started contacting him first.

‘What do you want to watch today?’

That single text message had been better than his paycheck.

Halfway through the movie, Cha Jinhyun would doze off, his arms crossed like a thinking statue. Taeun enjoyed watching him secretly, so much so that he couldn’t bring himself to quit the job even after the semester started. He’d worked at his first part-time job, which he’d started in the summer, for an entire semester, quitting the following winter. It wasn’t a coincidence that this coincided with the time Cha Jinhyun got a girlfriend and stopped coming to the convenience store.

“Ugh, why am I…”

Taeun muttered to himself, annoyed as he unconsciously ruminated on the memories that had surfaced. His hand, running through his hair in frustration, was filled with irritation.

No matter how hard he tried to avoid assigning meaning to everything, everything was intertwined with Cha Jinhyun. He was like the house he’d lived in his whole life. Everywhere he looked, there were handfuls of memories, leaving him nowhere to rest his eyes. He realized then that if there were no new memories, he had to create them. And that was entirely his responsibility.

Taeun chewed on the minty cigarette filter and stubbed out the barely smoked cigarette. It was time to quit smoking. He was going to take things one step at a time.

[ㅗ: Lee Taeun] 8:57 PM

That’s why Cha Jinhyun’s message, arriving as soon as he put out his cigarette, was unwelcome.

It was strange. He’d never felt this way about a message from Jinhyun. He didn’t even feel a flicker of amusement at the strange contact name. Only the memory of crying as he deleted Cha Jinhyun’s name and replaced it with that single vowel, and the memory of Jinhyun’s harsh voice directed at him, remained vivid.

Taeun finally realized that there was no hope left. He’d been clinging to foolish expectations, maybe, perhaps, what if, as if they were a respirator.

It would be a lie to say he had no regrets. But he was tired, and he wanted to rest. It was time to detach the broken respirator with his own hands.

“…….”

Taeun turned off his phone. His hesitant fingertips trembled slightly.