Kill Your X Chapter 19

Assurance? What did that even mean? Assurance that I loved Si Yeonho? Faith that I would only look at him? Both were feelings too difficult for me.

“I won’t bother you anymore.”

Crossing his legs, Si Yeonho clasped his hands on his knee. It was impossible to focus on reading in this atmosphere. I pretended to read the preface while glancing at him from the corner of my eye.

Leaning back slightly on the sofa, Si Yeonho really did just observe me. Even fully clothed, I felt like the target of a voyeur. I thought he’d made up the story about falling for me in the high school library ten years ago, but under his intense gaze, it seemed like it wasn’t entirely a lie.

He was so quiet and still that I soon became absorbed in my book. After a little over an hour, Si Yeonho, who had been sitting like a statue, walked over to the bookshelf and bent down. Had he seen enough of me now? I felt a childish sense of disappointment and simultaneous curiosity about what book he had chosen.

“Hmm?”

Pretending to shift my position, I peeked at the cover of the book in his hand. My eyes widened at the unexpected choice.

Si Yeonho turned the pages at a pace neither too slow nor too fast. I wondered what was so interesting about watching someone else read, but I immediately understood when I saw the scene unfolding before me.

A beautiful man with a refined aura engrossed in reading was unexpectedly erotic. It was as if a feeling deeply hidden within me had awakened. I didn’t know how I appeared to others, but Si Yeonho was definitely a work of art. He shouldn’t have waited ten years for me; he should have bought several mirrors for his house.

From then on, I didn’t even bother hiding my admiration. Si Yeonho didn’t look up, even though he must have felt my blatant interest.

“Yeonho, is the book interesting?”

I wasn’t trying to interrupt him, of course. But it’s a date, so shouldn’t we at least try to have a conversation?

“Yes.”

“You seem to like classic literature. That’s unexpected.”

He had chosen Dante’s Inferno. The descriptions of the nine circles of hell in the first part vaguely came to mind.

“Not particularly.”

“But you said it was interesting.”

“The nonsense is creative.”

His unexpectedly scathing review left me speechless. It was a world-renowned masterpiece, after all. I’d never met anyone who reacted that way.

“Well, isn’t that to be expected? The author wrote it while he was still alive. How could he possibly know what hell is really like, a place you can only go after death? It’s amazing how much he imagined.”

“Are you curious about hell?”

Si Yeonho asked, quietly closing the book.

“Of course. If heaven and hell really exist, I think I’ll probably go to hell.”

“It’s nothing special.”

He effortlessly captured my attention. Sometimes he seemed overly present, yet faint, often making cryptic remarks. Combined with Si Yeonho’s unique mystique, I found myself having absurd thoughts.

“How do you know hell isn’t special? Have you been there?”

Was it my imagination, or did his eyes flicker for a moment? His uncharacteristic fluster fueled my imagination.

Though I didn’t usually enjoy them, movies and dramas with supernatural themes often featured characters like this. Coincidentally, these characters were often depicted with a similar appearance and aura to Si Yeonho.

“Be honest with me.”

It was just a playful question, nothing more. I didn’t actually believe in such things.

“Yeonho, are you a grim reaper?”

“No.”

I knew he didn’t take jokes well, but his serious reaction made me suspicious.

“I think you really are.”

“I said no.”

“A strong denial is an affirmation, Yeonho. You just talked like someone who knows hell very well.”

He sighed and said, “Sunbae, there’s no such thing as grim reapers.”

I thought I’d finally succeeded in making small talk, but the conversation was derailing again. My disastrous joke was beyond recovery. If I said one more thing, Si Yeonho would probably scoff, Sunbae, you don’t believe in Santa Claus at your age, do you?

“Let’s just get back to reading. I’m curious about the ending.”

“Is Sunbae afraid of going to hell?”

Unlike me, he didn’t seem interested in continuing to read. My thoughts started to tangle again, but when did Si Yeonho’s words ever make sense? I gave up and just babbled, matching his stream of consciousness with my own.

“Of course I’m afraid. It can’t be comfortable, not like heaven.”

“Any other reasons?”

“I probably won’t be able to have sex freely there, right? Sodomy is usually considered a pretty serious sin. But if I really do go to hell, I want to try fucking a grim reaper. They look handsome in movies.”

I looked to him for agreement, but Si Yeonho openly frowned. Had I gone too far? I regretted my crude words as I saw the emptiness in his eyes, but it was too late.

“Maybe he ran away because they wouldn’t let him have sex.”

“Huh?”

“Sunbae doesn’t belong in hell.”

If I said I’d be happy to be with an angel there, it would be a disaster. I nodded vaguely and opened my book again. After all that chatter, I was able to focus. One page, then another. My slow pace quickly returned to normal. I lost track of time as I read. At this rate, I expected to finish before sunset.

✽✽✽

“Sunbae.”

The sound was muffled, like hearing it underwater. I tried to move my limbs with all my might, but my senses were dull. My body didn’t feel like my own.

It’s suffocating, scary.

A strange electric current coursed through my body, filling me with terror. The overwhelming pressure made my breathing ragged. Just as my struggling consciousness was about to fade…

“Gasp!”

“Sunbae.”

My eyes flew open. I found myself lying with my head on Si Yeonho’s thigh. He gently wiped the cold sweat from my forehead.

“What did you see?”

“Wh-what?”

“What did you see in your dream?”

I tried to recall the chaos from moments ago, but I felt intensely nauseous. Si Yeonho eased me back down as I tried to sit up. Swallowing was difficult, my throat scratchy as if I’d been screaming.

“Cough, Yeonho, I can’t remember… but why am I…”

“You fell asleep reading. You must have been tired.”

“Me? That’s strange. That doesn’t usually happen.”

I swear I hadn’t felt any drowsiness. I turned my head and saw that it was quite dark outside. Si Yeonho had come over around noon, meaning I had slept for four or five hours.

“Sorry. I invited you over and then fell asleep. You should have woken me up. You must have been bored.”

“Don’t worry. I enjoyed watching Sunbae sleep.”

He gently stroked my sweat-drenched hair. The cool touch of his hand against my skin cleared my head. The remnants of the nightmare gradually faded.

I drank the water he offered and looked around the living room. The book I had been reading was on the floor, confirming that I really had fallen asleep. The Inferno Si Yeonho had been reading was neatly placed back on the bookshelf.

“Yeonho, let’s have a proper date next time. It’s okay to meet outside. As long as we don’t hold hands in crowded places.”

“I’ll look forward to it.”

I briefly considered ordering takeout, but I felt lingering fatigue, so I had to send him home. He left without any sign of disappointment, but I felt uneasy. It felt like I had wasted the entire day.

“Am I really not feeling well?”

I shouldn’t have been worried about Si Yeonho’s poor eating habits. Lately, my mind often felt foggy, and my sleep had become strangely restless. I was definitely not in my best condition.

Perhaps because of the nap, I couldn’t fall asleep easily. I felt strangely unsettled and longed for someone to be by my side that night. If I called Si Yeonho, he would come running like a well-trained dog, but I wanted to stop being so selfish. It was a whim, even I couldn’t understand it, after all the selfish things I’d done.

✽✽✽

I took a rare weekday off and went to the hospital. I was most worried about the sudden, sleep-like fainting spells and my memory problems. I was only thirty, not that old, so I was scared that something might be wrong with my brain.

“Yeonho, since we’re here, let’s get you checked out too.”

“I’ve told you three times already, I don’t want to.”

An unexpected argument broke out in the hospital lobby. He had tagged along uninvited, and when I asked him when he had last had a checkup, he avoided my gaze. When I heard that same-day appointments were available, I suggested we both get checked, only to be flatly refused, leading to our current situation.

“It’ll take me at least two and a half hours to finish my tests. It’s a waste of your time.”

“If waiting for Sunbae was a waste of time, I wouldn’t have spent the last ten years doing it.”

He had a way of saying pointless things that moved me. That’s why I wanted to take care of Si Yeonho’s health all the more.