Kill Your X Chapter 18

“Do you think I was stir-frying meat just now because I have a death wish? Just eat. This could be your last supper if you don’t.”

“This is delicious.”

Si Yeonho said, pointing at the spicy pork stir-fry I made. My heart melted at the hard-won compliment. That was my problem.

“Do you like spicy pork?”

“I plan to, from now on.”

His unfamiliar gaze at the home-cooked meal softened my heart. It was a kind of shared sympathy. I didn’t pry, but I guessed Si Yeonho hadn’t grown up with much love at home either. He had a perfect exterior, but sometimes I glimpsed the peculiar resignation of someone who’d been neglected. I was especially weak to this type.

“Well, I’ll make it for you sometimes. It might be hard to get used to at first, but you should try to eat proper meals. What if you ruin your health by skipping meals just because you’re young?”

“Do you want to live with me?”

“Cough!”

I almost bit my tongue.

“Yeonho, are you ever going to fix the way you surprise people?”

“Do I have to give you a heads-up every time I’m about to say something?”

Si Yeonho asked, his eyes wide. Was I really that fragile?

“You need to tone it down for it to be impactful. You drop bombshells like a jump scare in a horror movie.”

“Jump scare. I’ll be careful from now on.”

Si Yeonho picked up his spoon again. He wasn’t exactly eating heartily, but it was gratifying to see his rice bowl steadily emptying. Although the delivery was problematic, his suggestion of living together was definitely a compliment to me and my cooking.

“Why? Why do you want to live with me?”

I asked, placing a rolled omelet on his rice bowl.

“Because if we live together, Sunbae can do the things you like more often.”

“Things I like?”

“Like fellatio, for example. I can do it for you as much as you want.”

My elation slowly deflated. Silence stretched as I struggled to react. Si Yeonho seemed to mistake my silence for hesitation.

“Do you want to have penetrative sex too? I don’t mind doing it now.”

“I’m not a dog in heat. What’s with you? You think I’ll only do things I enjoy if I live with you?”

“Yes. I’ll let you use me as much as you want. If that’s what Sunbae wants.”

I finally realized the source of the discomfort I’d felt throughout the conversation. While his words sounded devoted on the surface, I couldn’t feel any genuine affection for me. But he wasn’t disinterested either. It was strange.

“I don’t like it. I won’t live with you.”

My appetite vanished, and I put down my spoon completely. A faint sense of self-loathing washed over me. I almost fell for empty flattery. I must be really lonely.

Is it because I let him suck me off that I’m developing feelings? Should I reduce the frequency? Or should I push him away as originally planned? All sorts of thoughts raced through my mind when Si Yeonho drove the final nail in the coffin.

“Let me know if you change your mind, Sunbae.”

“That won’t happen.”

“You never know. Sunbae gets lonely easily.”

When I remained silent, Si Yeonho stood up first. He carried my dishes to the sink and tried to start washing them without even putting on gloves. I couldn’t let a guest do that, so I hurried over to him.

“It’s okay. I’ll do it.”

“Don’t you want to make things easier for yourself?”

“If you want to play house elf in my house, learn to cook first. Move out of the way, you’re blocking the sink.”

Fortunately, this time, Si Yeonho didn’t make me repeat myself. I glanced back at him as I washed the dishes, sitting like a still life on the living room sofa.

By this point, I was genuinely worried. I could handle this, but if he met someone truly bad, he’d probably be exploited to the bone and not even realize it. He came when called, went when told. This wasn’t something to be pleased about.

Maybe I should try to fix some of his habits while he’s with me, even if it’s just temporary. Lost in thought, I wasted more water than intended while doing the dishes. I finally released the frying pan, which was scrubbed clean to the point of losing its coating.

✽✽✽

I deliberately sat next to him, close enough to touch if we wanted.

“If you thought of anything else you want to do, tell me now. Who knows, if you say you want to fuck me, I might actually let you.”

“It’s okay.”

“Are you impotent?”

“If I were impotent, I wouldn’t be able to get hard. You already checked by stepping on it last time.”

Si Yeonho’s desires were modest. He came home and said he wanted to watch me read a book, of all things. It wasn’t a big deal, but it wasn’t exactly a couple activity, was it?

“My workplace, the library, is full of books, and I read often at home too. Reading isn’t really a special activity for me.”

“I know, but I fell for you while you were reading. I haven’t seen that in ten years.”

I missed it. The low voice next to my ear made my chest tighten momentarily. The faster beat of my heart forced me to admit it. Honestly, it was exciting. His handsome face up close, his unique, subtle, cool scent. He could be infuriating sometimes, but his calm demeanor—not suddenly ripping off his pants and jumping me—was a plus.

Hyun Jin, look at this. I’m not the abstinent one, Si Yeonho is. I’m not thinking about reading or anything, just about shoving him between my legs.

“You must be thinking of another man.”

Like the pot calling the kettle black, I doubled down on the bluff.

“Yeah. There’s another guy chasing after me these days, just like you.”

“Hong Hyun Jin?”

Startled, I recoiled. Something that absolutely shouldn’t happen in real life flashed through my mind.

“How do you know Hyun Jin?”

Si Yeonho moved closer to study my expression. I shoved his chest, urging him.

“Answer me. How do you know?”

“I saw him with you that time, Sunbae. Twenty-five years old, fourth-year library science student, right?”

He was referring to the first time he came to the university. It was a cold, snowy day, just like today. I was so surprised to see Si Yeonho on campus on my way to lunch.

“You saw him, but I never introduced you to him or told you his name.”

“That’s true.”

An ominous assumption filled my mind. Just imagining the future event sent shivers down my spine.

“Don’t tell me you met Hyun Jin separately? Did you spread rumors around school that we’re dating, like you did at Jerome’s…?”

“Sunbae, breathe.”

“Answer me!”

Si Yeonho calmly looked at me as I panted slightly. The wait for him to speak felt like an eternity.

“I haven’t met him. I just did some basic background checks.”

The tension broke. I covered my forehead with my hand and let out a long, deep sigh. I was so worried that my sexuality would be revealed at work.

The fleeting worst-case scenario made me realize one thing: I’d been too careless lately.

“I just checked if he posed any threat to Sunbae. He wasn’t anything special, so I left him alone after that.”

“He’s not a threat, Hyun Jin is just a normal college student. And there’s no such thing as a ‘normal’ background check in the first place. You habitually snoop around behind people’s backs, don’t you know that’s a crime?”

“It’s an occupational hazard.”

What kind of occupational hazard is that for someone working at an entertainment agency? My momentary confusion was quickly swallowed by the nonsense that followed.

“I’ll be more careful not to get caught in the future.”

“Not ‘yeah’, Yeonho…”

“I can’t help it. Sunbae is so careless. It would be troublesome if someone interfered with our relationship now that we’ve finally met again. We don’t have forever to live.”

It sounded like Si Yeonho and I were in some extraordinary relationship, but we hadn’t even had a proper date. The conversation was making my head spin, so I looked for an escape.

“Let’s read, let’s read.”

I shoved his arm irritably and sat on the sofa diagonally across from him. Until I picked a book from the small bookshelf next to it and opened it, Si Yeonho wore an expression that suggested he didn’t know what he’d done wrong. About to turn the first page, I looked back at him, just in case.

“Hey, I have a favor to ask.”

“Yes.”

“Will you do it?”

“I’ll listen first.”

“Spread a rumor at Jerome’s again. That you and I broke up.”

Si Yeonho, who had been answering readily, closed his mouth. I hastily added an explanation, even though it was something I had to say eventually. I felt uneasy after saying it, like I had overreacted.

“I don’t mean to actually break up. I just don’t want the world to know I’m gay. I know it sounds ridiculous coming from someone who frequents clubs.”

“…….”

“Please, just don’t talk about it. I’m asking you.”

His sharp gaze was burdensome, so I lowered my head. I forced myself to focus on the words, but Si Yeonho interrupted me again.

“Then give me assurance.”

“What?”

“Just don’t stray, Sunbae.”

I had to process his words a couple of times before I understood. So, Si Yeonho was blaming all of this on me.