A Perfectly Normal Romance Chapter 2.5 - I Hate You

“You know, back then. After we broke up, you sometimes came to pick me up. Why did you do that?”

“I went because you kept contacting me.”

“So, why did you come?”

“I went because I was annoyed.”

“If you were annoyed, you could have just left me alone. Honestly, you’d worry if a girl was lying on the street, but it’s alright if a guy is lying down or whatever, isn’t it?”

“If someone is that drunk, something could happen, whether they’re a man or a woman.”

“I thought it would be okay.”

Breaking up at that age was like that. Why did we waste so much time and emotion, digging around at rock bottom, agonizing over a breakup as if it was so heartbreaking and devastating?

Hyun seemed still annoyed as he furrowed his brows slightly, then, as if shaking it off, he reached out and poured more alcohol for me. I reflexively brought my empty glass closer, and some of the alcohol spilled onto my fingers. It was as I licked the cold liquid and winced at the bitter taste that I noticed Hyun. He was watching me, lips twitching as if about to say something. Then, as if losing his resolve, he emptied his glass and poured himself another, and I found myself staring at him with an unusual intensity.

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

“It’s nothing.”

It’s strange. For a long time, I couldn’t understand what Hyun was thinking. Why he wanted to break up, why he kept coming to pick me up. Somewhere along the line, you became a strange and incomprehensible person.

But today, it feels like I can see your thoughts. Reasons why it couldn’t be true keep surfacing as if they are the correct answers. But it can’t be true, can it?

Hyun, for some reason, asked something that didn’t seem like his real concern.

“How was the interview?”

“It was good. Thanks to that, I didn’t accept the money Sungjae offered me.”

“How much did they offer?”

“Five thousand.”

Unable to contain his chuckle at my words, Hyun took a sip of water. A clear sneer hung at the corners of his pretty lips. Watching his reaction, I pouted. I was a little swayed by it, though.

“But you know, what if I take that five thousand now and tell you the company was great. Really great. What was it… that it had growth potential? That everyone there was nice. If I do that… would that change anything?”

“I wonder.”

“No, I’m wondering if what I say is even that important.”

That’s not it. Seeing Sungjae hyung wasting money and doing this now makes me think he must be in a difficult situation. I was thinking of continuing the conversation that way, but Hyun seemed different. His shapely eyes moved, slowly closing and opening. It was one of the things he did when he was deep in thought, or when his thoughts were prolonged. Suddenly, he gripped his soju glass tightly and downed it in one gulp. Then, with a pale face that hadn’t even flushed, he spoke.

“It would change things.”

“That would make a difference?”

“Probably.”

“But I’ve been badmouthing them this whole time?”

“If you’re thinking of saying something different now.”

He was saying such strange things. Thinking back on it, I still didn’t understand, so I tried to figure out what I was misunderstanding. It sounded as if he was listening to me, not because of work, but for me. Ah. He must be drunk. I ran my fingers through my hair, repeatedly, and then pressed my distorted face with my palms, muttering.

“No.”

“No? Say what you want to say.”

“It’s not like that.”

It’s in the past. I rarely spoke about it because I was afraid it would make me look pathetic, or delusional. But once I started, I couldn’t stop rambling.

“Even I thought so. Even if I said I didn’t have any regrets, no one around me would believe it. That I pushed everything away and now I’m pretending to be nonchalant, that kind of thing.”

“I don’t think that.”

“Maybe. Anyway, Link is in the past now. I didn’t know it would go this well until I left, but anyway, it was easier for me to do that back then. It might have looked like some worthless guy putting on a brave face about something that was over…”

I’ve always been like that since I was young. Even if I fell off my bike, I’d forget about it the next day and get back on without fear. Even if a teacher scolded me for something trivial, I’d forget the next day and go greet them again. I can’t say I lived without any worries or regrets, but I was generally like that.

But one day, during the interview, I had this thought. Thinking back on it now, what you said earlier, about me drinking like I was at a company dinner, seems right.

My life at twenty could be clearly defined by two things: the club, which has now become Link, and you, right in front of me. That was my whole world. What I wanted to do and the person I loved. Back then, when I miraculously had both. Back then, I wasn’t afraid, and that’s why I could do anything.

But, you see, looking back, it’s like I traded that for you.

“I… traded it like that.”

“Traded what?”

The fact that the work I focused on after losing you was wrong. There’s no way that could be good.

“No, it’s nothing.”

I regret what happened back then so much now.

Swallowing the words I couldn’t say, I bit my lip hard, trying to force a smile that would undoubtedly look suspicious. By the time my tightly bitten lip felt numb, my eyes stung for a moment before quickly calming down.

“I think the interview went badly.”

“What part?”

“What do you think?”

“The offer?”

“Should I offer more?”

“Or, was the food bad?”

The fingers that I thought were resting on the glass tapped the table. The surface of the alcohol in the clear glass rippled.

“No.”

“Then?”

“You.”

“Me?”

“I’d prefer not to see your face again.”

“……Why?”

Because you make it sound like my words are so important. Because every time I speak, you show me that face with only your dark pupils shimmering. Then I start thinking strange things.

I understand now. We can’t be completely the same. Because we’re people with different values and habits, someday we might dislike each other. We might even hate each other, and we might not like each other’s thoughts. Even if we struggle with frustration because of it, even if we get unreasonably angry at you…

Still, couldn’t we have just continued?

“…….”

“Why did you stop talking?”

“It’s nothing.”

It won’t work, will it?

We both just emptied soju bottles. I covered my eyes with my palm, unable to look straight ahead. My head was spinning. As I abruptly stood up, my legs wobbled for a moment. Dizzy from the sudden change in height, I briefly held my forehead. Hyun was watching me, half-risen from his seat in an awkward posture, still holding onto the table. I spoke as if fleeing.

“I’m going.”

“Where are you going all of a sudden?”

“I’m busy. I have some editing to do.”

It was a clumsy excuse, anyone could tell. But Hyun, who had been watching my precarious state, slowly nodded and gripped the edge of the table tightly. His knuckles turned white.

“Alright. I’ll call a designated driver. Wait.”

“Yeah. You call one. I’ll sober up and go on my own.”

“I’ll take you.”

“No. It was… nice seeing you.”

I think I tried to imitate the smile Hyun had just shown. Judging by the way my face contorted, I didn’t even come close.

The hallway to the counter was slippery, and boisterous noises erupted from both sides like traps on a game map. I stared straight at the white grout lines filling the black floor tiles and managed to reach the counter without falling. Grabbing the edge of the counter, I quickly presented my card.

“I’ll pay.”

“Use this.”

I grabbed the wrist that reached out from behind me, pushed it away, and presented my card again.

“No. I’ll do it.”

The man, seeing the pushed-away arm, gave a suspicious look and then swiped my card, which he had received first. Meanwhile, Hyun tried to offer his card again, but I pushed him away with my back.

“I don’t need a receipt.”

I shoved my card into my pocket and exited through a different passage than the one I came in. It didn’t make much difference, as this staircase was also a mess. I let out a breath, a “phew,” once I was outside. The strong smell of alcohol permeated my nostrils, even stronger than the strange odor of the street.

Holding my throbbing head, I walked for a bit. Fortunately, Cheonggyecheon Stream was right past the two-lane road just outside the alley. Before stepping off the sidewalk to cross the street, I felt a hand grab my arm from behind, almost twisting it. I didn’t need to look back to know who it was, so I just stopped.

“It’s dangerous with the cars.”

“I was going to watch and then go.”

“You said you were going in, where are you going?”

“Let’s walk for a bit to sober up.”

The flow of cars on the narrow road briefly stopped. I felt his gaze fixed on my back, so, like a kindergartener, I carefully checked both sides before crossing the street. Even after that, as I descended the stairs towards Cheonggyecheon Stream, the presence behind me followed without any attempt at concealment. Before my feet touched the ground, I grabbed the railing, turned halfway, and asked irritably,

“Aren’t you leaving?”

“I’m sobering up too.”

As his footsteps steadily descended the stairs, my gaze followed, from his toes to his calves, to his bending knees.

“Did Jio rent this place out? I didn’t know.”

It was a vaguely familiar tone. The same tone he used when teasing me. Pressing my throbbing head again, I turned back. Was something wrong with my ears? It was clear that my head had become strange since earlier.

I started walking along the well-paved Cheonggyecheon Stream path. Just like that bar, this place was also part of the trajectory of our shared memories. I heard the click-clack of my unfamiliar heels. I could also clearly hear the sound of footsteps following a few steps behind. I deliberately ignored the sound and just kept walking silently.

A college couple, holding hands, passed by us. Their faces were still chubby with baby fat. Back then, I would have scoffed at the mention of baby fat on adults, calling it absurd, but as time passed, I understood. Faces that haven’t yet been etched by time reveal their age at a single glance. And beyond that, their life story too. They probably haven’t experienced heartbreak or bitterness yet. With such old-fashioned thoughts, I stopped walking.

I looked up at the sky swallowed by the night view. Not a single star was visible, and I couldn’t see where I was going. In fact, I didn’t even know which direction I was headed. Towards Dongdaemun or Gwanghwamun? I just trudged on.

Glancing back, I saw a faint silhouette, still standing like a totem pole, arms crossed, watching what I was doing. After a moment of contemplation, I went closer to Cheonggyecheon Stream. I knew there were stepping stones to cross the water. A voice immediately came from behind.

“You’ll fall in again.”

I was about to ask, “When did I?” but a distant memory suddenly popped up.

“You fell in back then too.”

A memory of you and me, at twenty-one, standing at this very edge, surged up. It was a memory etched somewhere in my body. It wasn’t just me back then. Why do you make it sound like I was the only one who fell in? It was a moment of inexplicable resentment. I realized I was very drunk. Crying just because I was trying to cross some stones was definitely something I wouldn’t do if I were sober.

I was staring at the black swirling water below the unevenly cut flat stones of the stepping stones, about to cross. I looked back. Hyun, who had been hidden under the shadow of the bridge, walked out as he saw me looking up. Only two steps remained now. His glossy leather shoes stepped down the stairs, and then…

“Come up.”

“No.”

“Hurry.”

He grabbed my hand as if to snatch it and pulled me up. Because of that, my feet tangled, and I stumbled. My left and right knees bumped against each other repeatedly as I was forced up the three steps. A woman walking a white dog on a leash glanced at us, two grown men in such a state. But neither of us cared about such glances; we only glared at each other.

Then, a faint light touched Hyun’s face as he chuckled to himself. Perhaps because he was very drunk, his lips moved slowly. White, red, and black. Just like the captivating features I used to love, he murmured softly.

“Jio.”

“Don’t call me that, you bastard.”

“I know you’re really angry.”

Fuck. I was so furious that I couldn’t figure out what to say or what to curse at him, so I just shut up. Words that couldn’t form sentences swirled in my chest. You know I’m angry? Am I angry? At you? Is that even something you should be asking, you fucking bastard?

“If you know… shut up.”

I wanted to scream. I opened and closed my mouth several times, wiping my face with my hands a few times. Finally, I stared at Hyun through my clumsily spread fingers and slowly sank to the ground. My head, burning with heat, was too dizzy to stand. I stared at my shoes near my feet. A cool voice came from above.

“What do you want to happen to the company?”

“As if it would come true if I said it.”

“Still.”

I watched as his knees slowly touched the ground in front of me. Hyun knelt down on one knee on the bare ground. His long fingers passed over the ground and touched the tip of my crouched shoe. I tried to twist my body away, but his fingers wrapping around my ankle were faster.

The loosely tied shoelaces were about to touch the ground. His fingers moved, pulling my foot, loosening the knot between the eyelets. Making a knot. Tightening it again and pulling a few times. Blinking, I stared at his approaching forehead and high-bridged nose. His downcast eyes were fixed on my shoes before finally meeting mine directly. His jet-black pupils glistened.

“Tell me. What do you want to happen?”

“……I want it back.”

Hyun seemed momentarily speechless. The tips of his white teeth were neatly visible between his slightly parted lips. Before those lips moved again, I clutched at my suffocating chest and began pouring out my heart.

“How can I be happy to see the company fail? Fuck. How hard I worked for it. I…I……”

It was something I poured myself into, oblivious to you leaving. How can I just let it go? It’s the company I clung to after losing you, how can I…

“The company.”

His eyes were unusually affectionate.

“You want it back?”

His voice, as sharp as a knife, articulated each word over my futile wish. As it sunk in, I realized even more how unrealistic it was.

“No.”

“Why? Tell me.”

“I said no.”

The hand that had just tightly tied my shoelaces moved to my forehead. He traced my cooled forehead with his fingertips several times, then I felt his hand move past my temples and behind my ear. It took me a while to realize he was brushing my hair back.

“I know now.”

“Know what?”

“What you said before.”

I felt something that had been precariously perched, like a dam, burst and overflow.

“That you can’t have everything you… want.”

My words were fragmented between ragged breaths. Hyun’s face darkened as he took in my disheveled state, like someone viewing a powerfully affecting piece of art. Even under his intense scrutiny, I couldn’t stop talking.

There were days when I struggled, wanting you back. No matter how much I clung, cried, worried, and tried, it didn’t work. That’s when I learned that the world doesn’t always go my way.

“Let go.”

“Jio.”

“Let go of me……!”

“Stay still. Where do you think you’re going like this!”

My strength in pushing him away matched the force with which he held my arm. I twisted and shook my body. Then, my crouched posture lost its balance and tilted sideways. The shoulder that had been supporting my weight felt like it was tearing apart.

“Ah!”

At the sound, like a groan, Hyun’s hand, which had been squeezing my arm, released its grip. As the supporting force disappeared, the world blurred just as I was about to tilt and fall sideways.

The last time Hyun came to pick me up in that half-hearted way was at the goddamn Link farewell party before I went to the military. Under a large tree right before the school’s main gate, I felt someone approaching as I leaned against a bench. I looked up belatedly. It was a cold, dark night, brightly lit by numerous stars. I think it was like that. The sight was so beautiful that I couldn’t control the corners of my mouth.

Hyun, seeing my face, closed his eyes tightly and then opened them again. Unlike me, he didn’t seem happy. Right. We broke up. Then he shouldn’t be happy to see me. Then he shouldn’t have come.

Hyun, as usual, held me up and supported me. The walk back to my studio apartment, taking one step at a time, was long. Finally, as we reached the top of the stairs and saw the faint lights spilling from streetlamps and windows amidst the pitch-black darkness, he sighed.

“I knew it.”

“Knew what?”

“Meeting you.”

The next moment, Hyun was turning away. He looked somewhere far off, not at me, and said,

“I think this will be my biggest regret in life.”

After that, I was relieved that Hyun left. Step by step. The evenly spaced footsteps faded away. Hyun didn’t look back. He never looked back. As he descended the stairs, you disappeared as if sinking into the darkness. Even your last retreating figure vanished.

I held back well until the very end. But as I tried to take off my shoes, my vision blurred. I was so fucking annoyed. I stepped on the heel of my right shoe with my left foot to take it off, but my feet got tangled. As I struggled to take a ragged breath, tears started falling.

“Ugh.”

Stop it.

I opened a drawer in my room and grabbed whatever I could get my hands on. I shoved it somewhere, anywhere, as I thought,

Stop it.

“Sob…”

I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to anymore.

That dream again. My eyes were still warm. Even after opening my eyes, unable to move, I tilted my head, still in the position I was being carried in.

Just as my awkwardly carried body was about to slip, I felt myself being repositioned. I dangled my legs for a moment, then stopped. Pretending not to notice, I wrapped my arms around his neck and rubbed my forehead against his shoulder. The soft fabric quickly warmed up. I felt the small muscles beneath the fabric tighten. But he didn’t let go or drop me; he continued walking. In my blurry vision, it felt like we were gently drifting along, submerged in the world.

Where did those dazzling, albeit petty, days flow to?

“Jio.”

Where did we end up?

“Seeing how angry you are at me…”

Hyun paused here, taking a breath.

“Makes me think we might be able to meet again.”

I’m definitely getting an MRI tomorrow when I wake up. It’s not my ears, it must be something wrong with my head. Feigning ignorance, I tightened my arms around his neck and leaned closer. It felt like the sound of his heart beating against my back resonated in my left chest. My eyes closed again as if glued shut.