Actually, It’s a Messy Melodrama Chapter 45

As the days of not dying, not being beaten, and not being confined continued, so did his worries. Before, he had charged forward with the mindset of “what more could happen than dying, anyway,” but that was no longer possible.

Although it was resolved without any problems, Haeshin felt fear the moment he faced Jin Youngmin today. Even though it was a situation he had anticipated, he was scared that Youngmin might have already gone too crazy and would kidnap and kill him without warning.

The phone call with his mom made Haeshin even more distraught. It was good that the cancer was discovered early, but the aftermath was the problem. The treatment costs were one thing, and just getting an appointment at a large hospital wasn’t easy.

Cha Haeshin’s goal had always been singular: not to die at the hands of Jin Youngmin. But there was something Haeshin had overlooked here. The fact that not dying was the same as living.

If he managed to avoid death, Haeshin would have a life after that. And if he had a life, it was only natural to dream of a slightly better one.

Haeshin wanted his mom to be in his future where he survived without dying. He wanted a living mother, not a mother who died because she couldn’t get cancer treatment due to a lack of money.

Many people fear dying, but in truth, dying is easy. What was truly difficult and scary was living like a human being.

“A problem if I live, a problem if I die. What kind of life is this?”

Haeshin muttered self-deprecatingly and buried his face in his hands.

In fact, since he had decided to receive Taejun’s help anyway, all he had to do was consult with Taejun about his remaining difficulties. Han Taejun could get his mother treatment from a renowned doctor immediately, and the treatment costs would be pocket change to him.

Moreover, it was Han Taejun who had first offered to help with anything. Not only would Haeshin not feel any guilt, but Haeshin was also originally not the type to be concerned with shame. And yet, what was the reason it was still difficult to ask Han Taejun to solve all his problems?

“Phew….”

Haeshin’s sigh settled in the convenience store, which was unusually empty of customers today.

☂️

“You’re back?”

Returning home after work, Haeshin stopped in his tracks when he saw Taejun sitting on a chair at a table in the garden, greeting him.

It was perfectly natural for Taejun to use the space in his own house. But Haeshin could read Taejun’s heart in his action of sitting out in the garden at this hour. The heart that was worried about him, who had had a severe seizure in the garden.

The moment he felt that, his emotions stirred. It was a kind of emotion he had never felt before in his life. It felt like a tickle in his chest, and for some reason, he felt embarrassed. Haeshin cleared his throat a couple of times for no reason and approached Taejun, slumping down in the seat next to him.

“What are you doing out here so late?”

“Just, you know, enjoying the night view? Looking at the moon for a change.”

“When it’s this cold?”

“……What’s so cold about it? You’re weak.”

The tip of Taejun’s nose, who was calling Haeshin weak, was red. Just like that day he first came to Haeshin’s house.

“Come to think of it, you don’t eat candy these days, do you?”

Recalling that day, Haeshin was reminded of the lollipop and asked. Han Taejun and lollipops, a combination that seemed completely mismatched, had looked quite plausible, so it had left a deep impression on him.

It wasn’t a very serious question. He just asked lightly because he hadn’t seen him with one recently. But Taejun’s eyes widened at the question.

“Huh? Come to think of it, you’re right.”

“You didn’t know?”

“Yeah. I didn’t.”

Taejun blinked his eyes like someone who truly hadn’t known. The only reason Taejun had sought out lollipops was because he hated the idea of getting addicted to cigarettes. He had simply chosen lollipops because they were a decent substitute among the things he had tried.

Only after hearing Haeshin’s words did Taejun realize that he hadn’t even thought of candy recently. It meant he hadn’t thought of cigarettes at all.

Taejun suddenly turned his head and looked at Haeshin sitting next to him. His surprise was brief; the moment he saw Haeshin, Taejun understood why he hadn’t thought of cigarettes.

“Well, situations can always change.”

“Uh… yes. That’s true.”

Haeshin answered with a face that clearly said he had no idea what he was talking about. I don’t understand, but if you say so, I guess it must be true, the thought was plain to see. That very face of Cha Haeshin was Taejun’s reason. The reason he no longer sought out cigarettes.

Taejun had started smoking because of the boredom from the meaningless, purposeless regressions. Feeling a sense of weariness with time for the first time in his life, Taejun had chosen to kill time meaninglessly with a cigarette in his mouth. It was literally a feeling of burning time and dying.

But after meeting Cha Haeshin, Taejun no longer felt that weariness. Even if this round were to disappear in an instant, he didn’t think he would feel it was meaningless. Every moment was precious. He wanted to fight and endure until the very end. As that weariness disappeared, cigarettes naturally faded from his mind as well.

“Shall we go in?”

Taejun, who had been analyzing the reason by himself, suddenly felt embarrassed and tried to stand up from his seat, pretending to be unfazed.

“Sir.”

It was at that moment that Haeshin called Taejun with a rather solemn expression. Taejun, unconsciously swallowing hard, opened his mouth.

“What is it. Why so solemn.”

Haeshin, who would normally have bantered back with “When was I?”, said nothing. Taejun’s body tensed up in response. He was nervous without even knowing what Cha Haeshin was about to say.

“I’ve been thinking a lot.”

“Yeah.”

“I thought it would be ridiculous to be concerned with shame at this point.”

Haeshin lowered his gaze and looked down at the garden floor. To be honest, until the moment he stepped into the garden, Haeshin hadn’t made a final decision. Both stopping and taking a step forward were difficult and fearful, he had been uncharacteristically fidgety.

But the moment he saw Taejun waiting for him, sitting in the garden on this cold winter night, he found courage. If he couldn’t stop anyway, then moving forward holding Han Taejun’s hand wouldn’t be a bad challenge.

“My mom is sick.”

“Ah….”

“It’s cancer. But they say she can live if she gets treatment early, thankfully.”

“I see.”

“But I don’t have money, and I don’t have the ability to get my mom into a good hospital.”

Throughout his speech, Haeshin didn’t look at Taejun. It was different from his usual bright and confident self in any situation. Taejun felt sorry for Haeshin.

Cha Haeshin was not a shameless person. He was just cornered into a dead end where he couldn’t afford to be shameful. The same went for his pride. No one in the world enjoys abandoning their pride.

Forfeiting one’s own dignity for the sake of survival is a painful thing for anyone. Yet, the reason Cha Haeshin could smile and beg for pity was because he was a person strong enough not to succumb to that pain.

“I’d like you to help me.”

Such a person was now asking, with his head bowed, in front of Taejun.

“I’ll pay back the money somehow, no matter how long it takes… I’ll pay it back. Since you said you’d help with anything… please help me. Please make it so that Jin Youngmin can’t harm me, and please make it so my mother doesn’t die.”

Taejun bit his lip. Taejun’s heart, watching Cha Haeshin who, knowing he was being shameless, was desperately trying to survive by letting go of even his last remaining pride, was swept up in an indescribable storm of emotions.

Help me. Please do that for me.

From his tone, which could have sounded impudent, Taejun could paradoxically feel how fiercely he had agonized and hesitated.

The desire to avoid it if he could, the sincere wish not to be so shameless, and yet, the weight of a life that ultimately had no choice but to let go of everything and cling to someone, begging to be saved- all of it was felt so rawly. It was a realm beyond words.

“That kind of thing, you know it’s nothing to me.”

Taejun opened his mouth, barely suppressing the churning emotions.

“Something I can solve with just a word.”

“Yes.”

“So you don’t need to feel shameless, and you don’t need to feel burdened. Do you know what I mean?”

“……Yes. I know.”

“Then that’s settled. Your mother will be able to receive treatment right away.”

“Thank you.”

Haeshin bowed his head politely in thanks. Even if it was an expected result, he was still grateful.

Silence fell again. It wasn’t an awkward atmosphere. A cold winter breeze blew between the two of them. Haeshin sniffled once and opened his mouth again.

“Are you still thinking about the reason?”

It was a question with an unclear meaning, but Taejun immediately understood Haeshin’s intention. It was an extension of what Taejun had once said, that he still didn’t know why he was helping him this much, and that he was by his side to figure that out.

What kind of emotion was it that was filling the void that couldn’t be explained by pity alone? Haeshin was asking if Taejun had discovered its identity.

In the winter night where not even the sound of insects could be heard, Taejun’s voice, sounding particularly calm, began to flow.