Humanity Chapter 9.1 - Gold

In the dead of night, the only thing in the pitch-black room was Yimyeong’s face, illuminated by the light of his phone screen, glowing with a bluish tinge.

[< Love >

Exhibition 4.26〜6.30

Venue. Ilwan Art Museum]

At this late hour, a text message had arrived from an unknown number. Just as Yimyeong was about to dismiss it as a common spam message, his eyes caught a familiar place.

Ilwan Art Museum, huh.

‘Han Jiwan.’

The moment he guessed who the sender was, his stomach churned. He did not know what the intention behind this was. No, perhaps he was even angrier because he did know. He knew that ignoring it was the best course of action, but he could not stop the anger from boiling up toward the other person.

Yimyeong flipped his phone over, but then, as if a thought suddenly occurred to him, he picked it up again and blocked the number entirely.

“Haaa….”

It was when he flopped back down and let out a long sigh without realizing it.

“Umm….”

Seolyoung, who had been sleeping soundly, seemed to have sensed the movement and reached out to grope for Yimyeong’s body. He slid his arm up to touch Yimyeong’s chest, then finally rested his arm on his waist and naturally pulled him into an embrace. Yimyeong let himself be held obediently.

“Myeong-ah….”

“Yeah. Go to sleep.”

Although the position was a little uncomfortable, he did not want to toss and turn and wake Seolyoung. Yimyeong gently rubbed Seolyoung’s shoulder.

The sound of even, quiet breathing resumed.

Contrary to the meaning of his name, ‘Snow Shadow,’ his body had a high basal temperature, like a child’s. Yimyeong tried to fall asleep while feeling his warmth, but instead, his mind became even more alert.

Will I not be able to sleep again today.

Yimyeong despaired silently. Han Jiwan had stirred up his already sleepless nights, where falling asleep was difficult enough.

Seolyoung’s bedroom was comfortable beyond comparison. From the high-rise apartment, the bustling noise of the road could not be heard. It was a silence that Yimyeong, who had spent his entire life moving from one low-floor, rented villa to another close to the ground, could not get used to.

This room, which served exactly and only as a bedroom, was equipped with everything for a good night’s sleep. The sound of the humidifier releasing steam and the peaceful breathing of the person sleeping beside him were more pleasant than anything else. The touch of the blanket on his exposed skin was refreshing, and the body heat of the person lying next to him was warm. There could be no greater peace than this.

And yet, he could not fall asleep. He tried to sleep, forcing his eyes shut for a long time, but as time passed, only the certainty that he would not be able to sleep until dawn today grew stronger.

Yimyeong did not know the reason for his insomnia. For a while after first coming to this house, he had slept like the dead, as if being compensated for the stormy days he had endured. However, as time went on and he grew accustomed to the lifestyle of this house, an inexplicable anxiety grew larger. He could only get a little sleep, as if his consciousness was cut off when his body was weary from intense sex. Especially in the last week, he had only been able to sleep in that way.

It was strange. Seolyoung did his best to make Yimyeong comfortable, and he took meticulous care of not only his body but also his heart. Thanks to this, the two people, who had lived very different lives, quickly grew accustomed to living together.

But the more he found stability on the surface, the more he felt that something was subtly creaking out of place.

Just once, when he had dozed off, exhausted after sex, he had heard Seolyoung crying. He was swallowing his sobs while looking at the cigarette burn Han Jiwan had left on his chest.

At first, he had not even thought it was the sound of crying. He only barely realized it because the sound of him arduously gulping down his held breath was tinged with wetness. It was a sorrowful and pitiful sob, but it was also one that contained raw, unfiltered anger.

The moment he heard it, it felt as if his heart had dropped. Seolyoung held his sleeping hand with both of his own and swallowed his cries for a long time before taking a very slow, long, deep breath.

Afterward, when he opened his eyes, Seolyoung smiled at him with the same kind eyes as always.

Strangely, that image remained as a source of awkwardness.

There is no way he would be fine after seeing something like that.

Yimyeong’s fist clenched silently.

There was no way it would be okay to have personally witnessed the person he loves being violated by another man. And yet, Seolyoung had agonized just that one time that day, with a heart that felt like it was vomiting blood, and after that, he never showed it at all.

There is no way he would be okay….

At the same time, Yimyeong blamed himself for harboring such thoughts. There was nothing wrong with Seolyoung. If there was a problem, it was with him, for being anxious without even understanding Seolyoung’s heart when he was trying so hard.

Seolyoung was the only person who had taken his lost hand under the midday sun that day, and he was the best choice he could have met in his life. He thought of it to the point that the lifelong misfortune he had experienced was like a trial he had received in advance to meet the best fortune, which was Seolyoung.

Dawn was faintly breaking. As soon as he saw the blue dawn outside the window, the thought that he had not slept again today made his mind acutely tired. Seolyoung’s arm, which had been holding him, had loosened at some point, and Yimyeong quietly placed the arm down and got out of bed.

Yimyeong slowly walked toward the living room window. Looking down at the ground, he could see the city slowly waking from its sleep. He had never imagined that a day would come when he would enjoy the expensive view of the distant Han River as his morning scenery every day.

Yimyeong, who had lived in poverty his entire life, was still overwhelmed by the things he had come to enjoy at the same time he gained Seolyoung’s love. Things like his wealth and fame were impossible not to be conscious of. The things Seolyoung bestowed so casually were also like that.

Sometimes, if Yimyeong mentioned something in passing, Seolyoung would remember it and order everything for him. At some point, he could no longer easily say such things, afraid that his casual words might sound like he was asking for something.

Of course, if he were to voice this, Seolyoung would tell him not to worry, and would get upset asking if he thought he would care about a few pennies….

He himself had suffered his entire life because of those few pennies.

He had given up on his father, and he had even sold his body.

No matter that it was a relationship started through threats and deception, he could not deny that such things had happened. The fact that he had sold away his minimum humanity for money still remained as a deep wound in Yimyeong’s heart.

A defective product, a person who has not lived a very impressive life.

An idiot… who cannot even consider it good fortune that a perfect person likes me.

Even if it was a lacking and shabby life, how wonderful would it have been if he could have met him without getting entangled with Han Jiwan. Then he would not have blamed himself like this. Because of his shameful past, a deep, invisible void had taken root in Yimyeong’s heart. It was a pit he had dug himself.

Yimyeong wiped away his tears silently. As he unceremoniously wiped his cheek with the back of his hand, the tears quickly vanished.

Sniffling once, Yimyeong quietly returned to the master bedroom. The moment he crossed the threshold, he hesitated for a moment. It was because Seolyoung, whom he had expected to be asleep, was awake.

“Why are you awake?”

“Because you weren’t here.”

There was no trace of sleepiness in Seolyoung’s eyes. It seemed he had woken up a while ago.

Yimyeong felt sorry, thinking he had woken the person who was sleeping so well.

“Sorry. I tried to get up carefully. Did I wake you?”

Seolyoung stared at him intently from where he was lying down. When he got back on the bed and was within arm’s reach, Seolyoung reached out and affectionately touched his hair.

“What were you doing?”

“Just….”

“Are you going to the exhibition?”

Yimyeong did not immediately understand his question. His eyes slid over and met Seolyoung’s gaze squarely.

“…There’s no way I’d go.”

He saw the text message.

Yimyeong’s heart suddenly began to beat faster. He had done nothing wrong, but he felt extremely anxious.

“What’s with him?”

“I don’t know….”

“Will he keep being like this in the future?”

“He might. His personality is strange. …He’s selfish.”

At those short words, Seolyoung’s hand that was stroking Yimyeong’s hair came to a halt.

Unaware that the way he spoke as if they knew each other’s personalities inside and out had sounded grating, Yimyeong took Seolyoung’s stopped hand and kissed it.

“…You’re not going, right?”

“Of course not.”

“Then that’s all that matters.”

Seolyoung extended his arms. It was an invitation to be held. Yimyeong complied, wrapping his arms around Seolyoung’s neck. His hand, which was fiddling with his earlobe, was gentle.

“Let’s sleep some more.”

“…Okay.”

Knowing he could not sleep, Yimyeong answered that way and closed his eyes.

Seolyoung stared intently at Yimyeong’s face for a while. He found it strange that he had his eyes squeezed shut when he knew he was not sleeping. In his jet-black eyes, an unerased suspicion flickered.

‧₊˚

“Hahat!”

Seolyoung was munching on a banana, his eyes fixed on the television screen.

His body, draped loosely over the sofa, was like a sculpture in every part, contrary to his lazy posture. His angular shoulders were particularly and beautifully prominent. His body, which looked slender when clothed, had extremely little body fat. When actually touched, it was a body with incredibly high muscle density and firmness, as if it were hard steel wrapped in skin.

His sculpted upper body, exposed as he was shirtless, was blotched here and there. They were handprints left by Yimyeong during their lovemaking; his smooth skin, despite its elasticity, tended to redden easily, so such marks were always left after they had sex. Especially from the nape of his neck to his shoulder blades, where Yimyeong liked to hang on, the handprints were layered on top of each other. It was the result of indulging in each other’s bodies to their hearts’ content, not missing a single day.

Yimyeong, who was making coffee in the kitchen, chuckled as he looked at Seolyoung, who was completely absorbed in a variety show with a lazy posture. The thought that inside the man with a body as perfect as if it were customized on a computer was an ordinary human being made him seem cute in a new way.

“Here, coffee.”

“Thanks. Aren’t you having any?”

“No. I’m trying to cut back on caffeine.”

“Why?”

Yimyeong silently took the banana peel from Seolyoung’s hand. As he took a bite without thinking, Seolyoung muttered.

“Why do you look pretty even when you’re eating a banana.”

The compliments about his appearance, which he had heard until his ears were about to fall off, were only embarrassing for a moment. Yimyeong saw the half-chewed banana still in Seolyoung’s mouth. His goofy face with his mouth hanging open was so cute that Yimyeong burst out laughing again.

“Why are you laughing?”

“Because you’re cute.”

“Me?”

Seolyoung moved his jaw slowly again. He looked somewhat displeased.

“Me? …No way. You’re the first person to ever call me cute.”

Yimyeong turned around, holding the banana peel, and walked to the trash can. While he was throwing away the trash for him, Seolyoung came up right behind him.

“Myeong-ah. Am I not handsome?”

“You? Of course you’re handsome.”

He was asking something that did not need confirmation. Seolyoung boasted a sleek appearance that made it hard to believe he was an athlete. Since his teens, he had been famous throughout the school as a handsome guy, and because his personality was gentle and he was sociable, a truckload of girls liked him. Although diving was an unpopular sport, his looks and personality must have played a part in him gaining this level of celebrity-like stardom.

“Then why do you keep only calling me cute.”

At those words, Yimyeong could not hold it in any longer and burst out laughing out loud. To think that he would rush over to ask something like this. However, Seolyoung seemed to be even more troubled by Yimyeong’s burst of laughter.

“Even the part where you ask things like that….”

Is cute.

The trash bag was already full. Yimyeong tied the ends of the bag and took it out of the trash can.

“Just leave it.”

Seolyoung, who was clinging to his back, hugged him tightly and whispered in his ear.

“It’s okay. Go watch TV.”

“I don’t like you doing this kind of thing.”

“If I don’t do it, you have to do it, don’t you?”

Yimyeong smiled slightly and turned around. As their eyes met, Seolyoung hugged his back tightly again and gave him a smooch on the cheek.

“The cleaning lady is coming tomorrow.”

“This is a disaster. What will she say when she sees the state of the house. I should wash the blankets too.”

“The cleaning lady is coming, and you’re going to clean again before she comes?”

“There’s a limit… There are things you should and shouldn’t show people.”

Since Yimyeong came to this house, the two of them rarely went outside. Thanks to that, full trash bags that had not been taken out were piled up by the entrance, and the recycling bin was also full because they had been getting all three meals delivered.

“How do I throw out the trash? I’ll go take it out quickly right now.”

“No, Myeong-ah. I’ll do it.”

“Then let’s go together.”

“No, I said I’ll do it.”

With that, Seolyoung hurriedly put on his clothes. Then, before he could be stopped, he nimbly took a full trash bag in each arm and dashed out of the house. Even that was cute, so Yimyeong let out a hearty laugh.

That laughter was short-lived; Yimyeong stretched his stiff neck and let out a deep sigh.

“Haa.”

These days, he got tired easily due to lack of sleep. His nerves were easily frayed, and his body was incredibly exhausted. They said that if you do not sleep well, you become close to a state of being heavily intoxicated, and just as the saying went, he felt his whole body go limp and had difficulty concentrating.

While he was blankly slumped on the sofa, Seolyoung opened the door and came in.

“I was fast, wasn’t I?”

“Yeah, we put off something that could have been done so quickly for no reason.”

“Myeong-ah, don’t misunderstand, okay? I’m actually very neat. It’s just that I didn’t want to be away from your side for even a second.”

At Seolyoung’s excuse, Yimyeong crinkled his eyes and let out a chuckle.

“You understand, right? You just have fun. Don’t even touch things like trash bags. I’ll take care of the recycling too.”

Yimyeong let out a hollow laugh. Seolyoung’s cute words made his heart melt.

“If all I do is play and eat, aren’t I no different from a burden?”

“Why would you be a burden? Where else would you find a burden this sexy.”

With that, Seolyoung planted several pecks on Yimyeong’s nape. Yimyeong inwardly thought that it would be a relief if he at least looked sexy.

“Seolyoung-ah. Was your personality always like this?”

“Huh? What was.”

Seolyoung muttered, his lips still on Yimyeong’s neck.

“No, you just seem very affectionate and sweet. I was wondering if you were like that in school too… We weren’t exactly close.”

“That’s because you never gave me a chance to get close.”

“Was that so… Right, now that I think about it, I think you were always like that. You were popular because you were kind. You took good care of people too.”

“I wasn’t popular at all.”

“Don’t be ridiculous.”

Yimyeong pushed Seolyoung’s chest away with his elbow, not hard enough to hurt. The way he precisely poked his solar plexus was just what you would expect from a former bodyguard. Seolyoung rubbed his chest, looking a little wronged.

“I’ve only ever focused on sports my whole life.”

Compared to the size of their feelings for each other, the two in fact knew very little about one another. Of course, they had constantly shared trivial stories while mixing their bodies and confessing their love countless times, but there were still new parts of each other to discover.

“You’re the first person I’ve dated, and the first person I’ve slept with. How many times do I have to tell you.”

“I get it.”

Seolyoung made a face as if he were about to explode with frustration at Yimyeong’s calm reply. He was not doubting him, so what on earth was he so upset about…. What kind of face would he make if he told him that he kept teasing him more because this side of him was cute?

Yimyeong stopped teasing Seolyoung further and stroked the back of his neck with his palm.

“Anyway. If you get married, you seem like you’d be an incredibly affectionate husband.”

“Right?”

Seolyoung’s face finally relaxed, and he smiled with a completely softened expression. Finding him cute, Yimyeong gently held his cheeks and shook them.

“Yeah. You’re seriously a cheat. There’s no need to be this perfect.”

“That feels good. Say more.”

“You’re so perfect that you feel inhuman.”

“Haha, really?”

This was sincere. He was the savior who had appeared at the exact moment he was needed, and the perfect partner he had dreamed of in his fantasies. To the point that he had shattered in an instant the internal barriers of not being able to accept himself as an omega and his vague rejection of homosexuality. He was so perfect that, on the contrary, it did not feel real….

“People even make jokes like that. That the person who marries you has to pay more taxes. At first, I didn’t even know what that meant.”

While he was talking, Seolyoung naturally pushed Yimyeong’s body down to lie on his back. The face looking down from above was grinning.

“That’s right, Myeong-ah. You have to pay more taxes. You’re in big trouble.”

“Me?”

Yimyeong’s eyes widened in surprise.

At that reaction, Seolyoung’s hand also came to a halt. In a moment of silence, the two’s eyes met squarely.

It was Seolyoung who broke the atmosphere first. He started stroking Yimyeong’s shoulder again and grinned.

“Yes, you. Who else is there?”

Yimyeong scratched his head and muttered.

“…How can we get married?”

Once again, Seolyoung’s hand stopped. It was the second time.

Reading the awkward atmosphere, Yimyeong hastily added.

“No, what I mean is… same-sex marriage isn’t legal in our country.”

“I heard there’s a special law for Alpha-Omegas in the Netherlands or Germany… We can go there and do it.”

“That’s true, but… if you did that, all hell would break loose.”

Perhaps because the first generation of Alpha-Omegas had just appeared in society, there were still many parts of the system that were lacking overall. This was because it was not accepted as a natural union. This was especially true for the prejudice against same-sex Alpha-Omega couples, because many people perceived Alpha-Omegas not as a new species, but merely as a powerful, irresistible sexual feeling.

In a situation like this, if Seolyoung were to reveal the fact that he was dating a male omega….

Because Seolyoung was a figure with the same level of public interest as a top celebrity, it was obvious that he would receive unnecessary attention.

“So what if all hell breaks loose.”

Seolyoung shrugged his shoulders.

“You have to think about marriage a little more carefully. Your parents….”

“Why are you bringing my parents into this?”

“Tell me. What are they like?”

“They’re ordinary. They were devoted to their child, and now they’re proud.”

“And you think people like that would be able to accept it?”

As he spoke, Yimyeong thought that maybe he was taking the joke too seriously. It was possible Seolyoung had just brought up marriage as a way for lovers to confirm their affection for each other.

Seolyoung’s mood had already sunk. He did not show it, but the loose and cheerful atmosphere that had been maintained until just before, when he had taken out the trash for him, had disappeared. Yimyeong blamed himself for not matching his expression of affection.

A moment later, after letting out a short sigh, Seolyoung opened his mouth.

“My parents… don’t worry about them. No matter what they say, I’m going to do as I please. That’s not a problem.”

Saying it like this meant that in the end, that was what weighed most on Seolyoung’s mind as well. Yimyeong managed a difficult smile and gently stroked Seolyoung’s messy bangs. He felt terribly sorry for having thrown cold water on him as he was whispering about marriage like sweet nothings.

At the same time, though it was a truly ridiculous story, his heart felt bitter as if he had gotten a preview of the realistic problems they would face even if he and Seolyoung decided to get married. Marriage would be a difficult thing even if both parties had a strong will. What would it be like years later, after the fiery love had cooled….

That thought alone brought a faint sense of frustration to Yimyeong’s heart.

“Right. It’s something for later.”

“…Yeah.”

Seolyoung hugged him, leaning his body deeply against him.

Although it was a passing conversation, it made Yimyeong think a lot. The sacrifices Seolyoung would have to make by choosing him were countless. Pretending not to know all of that and holding onto him could not be said to be what was truly for Seolyoung.

Still, it is something for later….

Thinking that, Yimyeong forcefully shook off the shadow in his heart.

‧₊˚

‘You’re so perfect that you feel inhuman, you know.’

Seolyoung was mulling over the words Yimyeong had said to him a while ago.

It was a relief if he seemed perfect, but in fact, he had one critical disqualifying factor.

That he was a half-alpha.

In truth, Kwon Seolyoung had lived as a ‘half-alpha’ and yet a ‘lucky alpha’ until now. Alphas were known to have physical conditions and athletic abilities far exceeding the average, and thanks to that, Seolyoung became a lucky person from the moment he presented as an alpha. However, there was another point where he had truly benefited.

He had never once experienced a rut.

Rut, the period known as an alpha’s heat, varied greatly in its cycle and the severity of its symptoms from person to person. Still, the common features were a heat that was painful and a high fever, and for athletes who had to meticulously manage their bodies according to various competition schedules, these symptoms were fatal. No matter how much they increased the intensity of their training and built up their bodies, if a competition and a rut overlapped, even participating was difficult.

For that reason, the medical team that had been managing Seolyoung since right after they found out he was an alpha had been fully prepared to respond at any time.

However, 1 year, 2 years, and even until now, Seolyoung had not experienced a rut.

“That’s why we used to tease you. Calling you an alpha-wannabe.”

The one making the joke while chuckling in the clean, white examination room was Oh Inchan, a former team doctor for the national team and also Seolyoung’s personal physician. Inchan was much older than Seolyoung, but he was the youngest among the medical team, so to Seolyoung, he felt like a big brother.

“You also called me a half-alpha.”

“Who would say something so harsh…?”

But Seolyoung took the teasing in stride. In fact, for an athlete, it was an unparalleled advantage.

“Alright. The blood draw is done… the blood test results will be out in about two days. And as for the rut, it seems the most likely suspect is your alpha maturity level….”

“Maturity level….”

Seolyoung muttered, pressing down on the spot where the blood had been drawn.

“Yeah. Research results are coming out these days saying there are various types of alphas and omegas. Dominant and recessive, and it seems there are a few stages in between.”

“Dominant…? Recessive?”

“But the test kit is outrageously expensive. It’s not approved domestically and has to be imported from the US, so it’ll probably cost several thousand per test.”

“If it’s several thousand, isn’t that doable?”

At those words, Inchan looked surprised.

“Are you already looking down on money at such a young age?”

“I think of it as money that can be spent if necessary.”

“Oh? Are you really going to try the maturity test? You weren’t very interested until now.”

That was true. After going through the ordeal of presenting in his teens, he had never experienced any physical peculiarities as an alpha. It was an advantageous position for his athletic career, but it also made his own awareness of being an alpha weak.

However, after meeting Yimyeong, it had become a more important issue than anything else. Yimyeong was a mature omega whose body had fully ripened. If asked how he could tell, he could not explain it well, but at any rate, that much was certain.

Applying it in reverse, it meant that Yimyeong might also be able to notice that there was something lacking in him. He did not know if Yimyeong already knew and was being considerate by not saying anything, or if he was unaware, but….

The thought that he might consider him an inadequate alpha made his nerves stand on end with fear.

“Please order the kit. I want to get tested.”

“Alright, I get it. I’ll look into the process and get back to you.”

Seolyoung removed his hand from the blood draw site he had been pressing. There was dried blood on the alcohol swab.

“But why all of a sudden?”

At that question, Seolyoung glanced at Inchan.

“…Well, I should know in advance, so I can be fully prepared….”

“That makes sense. There are international competitions every year and you’re going to the next Olympics anyway. It would be a problem if a rut you’ve never had in your life suddenly appeared.”

“……”

Although Inchan had completely misinterpreted him, Seolyoung did not bother to correct the misunderstanding.

“Am I done? I’ll be going then.”

“Oh, hey, hey. Get an IV drip before you go.”

“Why all of a sudden?”

“What do you mean why. I heard you were sick recently, canceled all your schedules, and were holed up at home. Hyeoksu said it seemed like something was wrong since you didn’t even come out to train once.”

“Ah.”

Seolyoung awkwardly scratched the back of his neck.

‘That was because I was so stuck to Myeong that I didn’t even have time to leave the house…’

However, he did not bother to correct that misunderstanding. Resigned, Seolyoung obediently lay down on the bed to receive the IV drip.

“This will sting a little. Um, oh my… your veins, athlete-nim… are so elastic it’s not going in well. I’ll try again.”

“Yes? I’m sorry.”

“No, you have nothing to be sorry for. Okay, this will sting…. Ah, there we go. I’ll set this to drip slowly. Since you’re here anyway, take a nap before you go.”

The nurse, having successfully inserted the intravenous line, drew the curtain next to the bed and left.

If I knew this would happen, I should have come with Myeong.

They had only been apart for a few hours, but he already missed him. Seolyoung let out a small yawn without realizing it. These days, he was suffering from lack of sleep because he was rolling around with Yimyeong so much, even losing sleep every day.

‘A lucky alpha…’

No matter how much he was called that, it was not as if he never had a slump.

Seolyoung had also experienced a very severe slump. It was in the summer of his seventeenth year, when he had met Yimyeong.

It was right when he presented as an alpha.

‧₊˚

“Kwon Seolyoung, where is your head at? What’s inside that brain of yours?”

The coach’s voice echoed loudly throughout the high-ceilinged, international-standard swimming pool. At the frosty reprimand, the athletes and coaching staff from other countries who were using the same space glanced their way.

Seolyoung, who had gotten out of the water and was staggering with a wet body, stood before the coach and bit his lip hard. His entire body was gradually turning red. It was the mark of having taken the impact of the water on his skin after falling incorrectly from the board. The sight of the bleeding spreading under his skin in an instant was gruesome.

“Are you going to come to your senses only after you cripple yourself somewhere and can never compete again, you bastard? Huh?”

The coach struck Seolyoung’s wet shoulder several times with the bundle of papers he was holding. Seolyoung’s body, which had been standing firm, swayed slightly. People who approached with worried expressions began to hastily add a word or two.

“Seolyoung must have been the most surprised, coach-nim.”

“That’s right. Don’t push him too hard….”

“Seolyoung-ah, if you weren’t feeling well, you should have said something. It’s not like you’ve been doing this for a day or two, why are you being like this.”

People naturally intervened, separating Seolyoung from the coach. While the others were calming the coach down, Seolyoung was led away by Inchan’s hand.

“Hey, your body is too hot. Why do you have such a high fever?”

Now that he mentioned it, it seemed his vision had been hazy for some time. A jacket was draped over his bare back, and Seolyoung was soon placed on a bed. When he followed instructions to bend his knees or turn his body, a sharp pain shot through his lower back. Suddenly, his back muscles began to spasm uncontrollably.

“Ah, this… his back might be injured.”

“It’ll be a big problem if it’s a spinal issue.”

“His body is on fire. First, give me a thermometer.”

“Here’s the thermometer. Gasp… 40 degrees? This is serious. Why is this happening all of a sudden?”

“What? 40 degrees?”

The coach who had been shouting at Seolyoung just a moment ago rushed over in alarm upon hearing the temperature.

“I’m… okay.”

Seolyoung tried to push away the people surrounding him and sit up.

Just a moment ago, he had climbed onto the board with his own two legs. There was no way there was a problem with his condition. If he did not even know that, he was not a pro.

A faint hint of panic was visible on Seolyoung’s hardened face as he let out a hot breath. He shut his eyes tightly and blamed himself. He himself knew better than anyone else that he had done something foolish. It was not even an excuse that his concentration had wavered for just a moment. In diving, everything is decided in that single moment.

“Seolyoung-ah? Seolyoung-ah!”

Seolyoung shook his head vigorously to regain his blurry vision. However, instead of his vision becoming clear, he began to have trouble hearing people’s voices properly. It was now impossible to even sit up straight, as his strength had drained away. Soon, his body began to tremble with severe chills.

‘Internal organ… suspect bleeding…’

‘Could it be shock? The infirmary… no, the emergency room…’

‘Local contact number… quick, give me a towel! He’s shivering too much.’

Amid the surrounding commotion, Seolyoung tried to keep his wits about him. But it felt as if all his senses were beyond his control. Even when he inhaled as deeply as he could until his ribcage expanded, his lungs felt like they would burst, and no air came in. More than his reddened body where bruises were beginning to spread, the sensation of an unexplainable fever shaking his body from the inside was unbearably agonizing.

‘Seolyoung-ah, Seolyoung-ah!’

Soon, Seolyoung lost consciousness. The last thing he saw above his blurry vision was the swimming pool ceiling with its shimmering water shadows. That was his last memory of that day.

Some time later, Seolyoung found himself lying in a hospital room in an unfamiliar foreign country, listening to the doctor’s verdict.

Even though he did not understand the language at all, he could roughly guess the situation from the translator listening with a careful expression beside him and the anxious faces of the coaching staff.

He had probably expected it. That he would not be able to participate in this competition.

When the doctor finished speaking, the translator called the coach outside. Seolyoung, sitting up against the bed, quietly watched them.

A short while later, the door opened and the coach came in with a deep sigh.

“Seolyoung-ah. It seems… it will be difficult for you to participate in this competition.”

“……”

“They say they don’t know the cause of the high fever, and the back injury is also not trivial, so there was no other choice.”

“……”

“Considering all the preparation you’ve put in, I know you’re having the hardest time, but your athletic career doesn’t end with this competition. Right?”

He seemed to think Seolyoung’s lack of response was due to shock. Seolyoung just lowered his head.

“Let’s start treatment and rehabilitation as soon as we get back to Korea.”

“…Yes.”

“Alright. Then for now, get some good rest….”

The coach placed a hand lightly on Seolyoung’s bruised shoulder, sighed, and left the hospital room.

Once left alone, silence enveloped him. By the window where the moonlight shone whitely, Seolyoung looked down at his own wrist. In just half a day, his skin had turned jet black.

Colliding hard with the surface tension of water inflicts a shock similar to hitting a concrete floor with an almost bare body. He was literally bruised from head to toe. Now, even the brush of his collar made his skin sting, and he could not tell if it was because of the bruises or the fever.

While he could not believe he had made such a basic mistake that he had not even made when he first started the sport, he was also afraid that a moment when his body would not listen to him could come at any time.

Seolyoung carefully leaned his body against the bed.

He had thought Yimyeong wanted him to stay away, so he had endured his painful heart and devoted himself to training. But to return home without even being able to participate in the competition. It felt like he had nothing left in his hands, and a loneliness too difficult to put into words washed over him.

In the deep of night, Seolyoung impulsively tried calling Yimyeong’s number.

He was not hoping for any particularly affectionate words. He just wanted to hear his voice. Or better yet, if he would just answer like a normal friend, pretending nothing was wrong….

—The call cannot be connected. After the beep, you will be connected to voicemail….

However, no matter how long he waited, the call did not connect. Seolyoung, curled up and staring blankly at his phone screen, belatedly calculated the time difference. It was night here, so it was still daytime in Korea. Seolyoung pressed the call button once more. After repeating this a few times, the automated message suddenly changed.

—The phone is turned off. After the beep, you will be connected to voicemail….

Seolyoung’s heart stopped dead as he heard the subtly different message from before. This meant that instead of answering his call, Yimyeong had turned off his phone. As soon as he realized that fact, his mood slowly began to sink. The feeling of having crashed to the ground now began to break through the floor and descend into the basement.

Seolyoung gritted his teeth, hating the sight of himself. He struck the innocent bed several times with his bruised arm, then raised it to his eyes, blocking his vision, and let out a hot sigh.

His vision was still hazy from the fever. The boy had never felt so distressed and suffocated in his life. His personality was reasonably simple and sociable, so he was mentally healthy, and thanks to his God-given talent and fearless nature that was not afraid of high places, he had never really had a slump. Even his dislike of showing a weak side in front of others was the same as other high school boys. It was just that the wall of one-sided love he now faced was terribly high and solid.

No matter how easygoing his personality was, the fact that he had come to like a boy could not have been easy up until now. After sprinting full-speed ahead with just the feeling of liking someone, realizing he had nowhere to go, a terrible sense of emptiness washed over him.

‘Hk… ugh, sob…’

Curled up in his large frame, Seolyoung cried until his cheeks were soaked. They were incomprehensible tears that he himself could not understand.

‘Fuck… what a wimp…’

Seolyoung deliberately wiped his eyes roughly. But that did not shake off the sorrow. He would not be able to confide in anyone about his crying today. To say that he had soaked his pillow crying just because the boy he had a crush on ignored his call….

He tried to get over it by treating himself as a wimp, but Seolyoung knew that this problem was not that simple. His illness had become so severe that he could no longer even handle Yimyeong’s slight disregard.

The feelings of a broken heart, which he had pretended not to know until now, came crashing down on him all at once.

I wish I hadn’t realized. I wish I had just let it pass by without knowing what it was.

The feeling of love, which had once been almost wondrous, was now just frightening. The frustration he would have to endure from now on was utterly terrifying. If only he could turn back time, he wanted to go back to when he was not afraid to casually say hello to Yimyeong. And if only he had not realized his love in the locker room that day….

Some time later, after returning to Korea, Seolyoung began his rehabilitation.

It was the most desperate period of his life. With the last news article being about how he could not participate in the competition due to a sudden back injury, Seolyoung’s existence was temporarily erased from people’s memories.

Seolyoung lived the latter half of his teens as if he did not exist in the world. It was also a time when he himself had let go of himself.

The back injury he sustained at that time would hold him back for a long time afterwards.

He became reluctant to stand on the board, which he had never once been afraid to climb, and he even hated going to the swimming pool. This was because when he faced things like the smell of chlorinated water or the shimmering water shadows on the ceiling, he would reflexively miss Yimyeong.

Gradually, Seolyoung stopped going to the gym altogether.

Most of the darkest and stickiest emotions within him probably began to accumulate from that time.

Around the same time, Yimyeong’s number of absences increased. He thought Yimyeong would be better off if the bothersome him disappeared from his sight, but contrary to that, it became harder and harder to see Yimyeong at school.

As the days Yimyeong did not come to school or left early became more frequent, Seolyoung began to have strange imaginations. He would imagine that Yimyeong was actually an incorrigible delinquent, or a scoundrel, who might be doing all sorts of bad things out of sight. His one-sided love was so painful that he would imagine him as a villain like that.

Was that not the reason he was not coming to school? Thinking that way made him feel at ease for a very brief moment. He knew it was a twisted way of thinking, but there were times when hating Yimyeong was easier than protecting his pure love. In this way, the feelings of his fresh first love gradually faded in color.

‘Hey. Did you guys hear? Lee Yimyeong works at a bar.’

‘Huh? Is that possible for a minor?’

‘I know, right… someone said they saw him with tattooed gangster-like delinquents.’

But as if his guess had hit the mark, bad rumors began to circulate around the same time. Rumors that he was a minor working at a bar, and that he was hanging out with a bad crowd with his handsome face.

He had imagined what it would be like if he were a bad kid, contrary to his looks, but hearing that it was actually true made his heart drop.

What if what I had built up was a fantasy, and he was not someone worth liking in the first place.

However, Seolyoung soon stopped these speculations as well.

Because doing so did not kill his feelings of affection. The more he belittled Yimyeong in this way, the more he himself suffered.

‧₊˚

Seolyoung, who had dozed off while getting the IV drip, was woken by the sound of his phone ringing. It was just a nap, but he had slept so deeply that there was drool on the corner of his mouth.

“Oh, Myeong-ah.”

Seolyoung wiped his mouth with his sleeve, got up in a flurry, and answered the phone with a hoarse voice.

—Why are you so late? You were so late I decided to call.

“Ah, I suddenly had to get an IV drip…. Wow, look at the time. I’ll be there soon.”

—Actually, I’m near the center. I came to pick you up because I was worried something might have happened.

At the news that Yimyeong had come to pick him up, Seolyoung shot up from the bed. Wanting to see him quickly, he left the center without even saying goodbye to Inchan.

As he left the center, he saw Yimyeong waving from a distance. Seolyoung immediately ran to him.