World Chapter 1.4

You want me to get lost right now……? You want me to leave, right now, in the middle of the night?

You son of a bitch……. You bastard.

I glared at him with all my might. Hyungjo’s eyes held a cool, blue glint. He, too, stared back at me fiercely. His eyes looked like they could swallow me, swallow the entire earth.

“I can’t leave. I won’t leave, I can’t do that!”

For a moment, Hyungjo’s expression twists strangely.

He sharpened his senses as if trying to hear something, his brow furrowing. Just as I was about to yell again that I couldn’t leave, Hyungjo’s hand grabbed my wrist.

It happened in such a flash that I didn’t even have time to ask what he was doing. Opening the storage closet door, Hyungjo shoved me inside as if pushing me from behind and tried to enter the narrow space himself. I stepped back and screamed. No, I tried to scream.

“What are you do—, hmph!”

A large hand that felt scorching hot gripped the back of my head firmly. Soon, Hyungjo’s lips pressed against mine.

I freaked out and thrashed my limbs. Hyungjo’s hands bound my wrists tightly. The cramped space of the kitchen storage closet was tight for two grown men.

After struggling for a while, twisting my body, I realized that Hyungjo’s lips were just a means to block my mouth, simply to shut me up, and I stopped struggling.

I couldn’t believe the reality of my lips being pressed against someone else’s.

It wasn’t a kiss, Hyungjo was just trying to shut my noisy mouth, but my mind grew dizzy and hazy. It felt like my brain was softening, melting and trickling away. His body heat wrapped around me warmly, and my wide-open eyes slowly fluttered shut.

Once I quieted down, Hyungjo removed his lips from mine. The warm sensation disappeared.

I opened my closed eyes. I looked at him with trembling pupils.

Hyungjo gestured for me to be quiet. As if under some kind of spell, I nodded my head as he directed. Hyungjo’s arm wrapped around my back. I was trapped in Hyungjo’s arms. We were pressed so close together, in a sort of embrace, that the beating of each other’s chests was distinctly audible.

Just then, the chaotic sound of clacking high heels came from outside. Startled, I looked up at Hyungjo. Once again, as if telling me to be quiet, he shook his head firmly and frighteningly, signaling that I shouldn’t make a sound. His expression was urgent.

The frantic pounding of my startled heart reached Hyungjo’s chest. It felt like the sound of our thumping hearts was audible even to my own ears.

The sound of several people in heavy shoes, like combat boots, moving around roughly, wandered chaotically through the living room for a while, flinging doors open, before disappearing.

Even after the noise of them ransacking the house had faded, Hyungjo held me tightly. I, too, was tense and couldn’t ask anything, standing quietly with bated breath.

“…….”

“…….”

An unbearable silence continued.

My body was pressed too close to Hyungjo’s. Once I became aware of it, the dense silence became almost impossible to bear. I couldn’t stand the situation of being practically held in his arms.

Hyungjo’s embrace was hot. The hand that had gripped me to restrain my struggling was still frozen in place, and the arm around my back was still there.

As he looked down at my bewildered self, he slowly released his arms.

Then, he brought a finger to his lips, telling me to be quiet with a cautious expression.

Hyungjo carefully opened the storage closet door without making the slightest sound. He pressed his open palm towards me in the air, signaling for me to stay inside. I swallowed hard and nodded in response to his back, which didn’t even turn to look at me.

After Hyungjo left, I remained trapped in the storage closet for a long time.

I was straining my ears, trying to catch any sound. Just then, I heard the sound of footsteps approaching. I clutched the fabric of my shirt over my chest and crouched down.

Who are those people? What are they doing? Am I going to get caught like this?

What happens if I get caught?

A wave of fear washed over me. Familiar, missed faces flashed through my mind like a revolving lantern. My body trembled uncontrollably. The footsteps came closer and closer. I curled my back and buried my face in my knees.

I’m going to be caught!

“Come out.”

Anticlimactically, the owner of that voice was Hyungjo. As I shakily tried to stand, I lost my balance, my legs gave out, and I collapsed. Hyungjo crouched down, grabbed my wrist, and pulled me to my feet.

“……What happened?”

“Nothing.”

“What? How is this nothing! Some people were just tearing through the house, mph!”

This time, he pressed his palm against my mouth, not his lips. With my mouth covered by Hyungjo’s hand, I continued to speak.

“Mmmph! Mmph! Mmmph! Mmmmmph!”

“…….”

Hyungjo didn’t reply, nor did he remove the hand covering my mouth. As I kept making muffled noises, urgently trying to explain the situation, he let out a short laugh.

It was instantaneous, but what was drawn on his cold face was definitely a smile. Still, he didn’t lower the hand covering my mouth. When I scrunched up my face and asked what on earth was going on, Hyungjo finally opened his mouth with an expression that said, This is a pain in the ass, but I guess I have to explain.

“The seniors are all on the wanted list. The police raid like this sometimes.”

“……Mmmph mmmmmph mmph!”

I’ll be quiet, so take your hand away!

As if he understood my words, he removed his hand from my mouth. The moment the hand blocking my mouth was gone, I gasped for breath as if he had been choking me.

“They might be watching outside. Stay here.”

Hyungjo stood in front of me, as if trying to protect me. Trapped within his arms, I asked in a hushed voice.

“……I don’t know what you mean. Why are the hyungs on a wanted list? Aren’t they just university students?”

“Political offenders or suspects are bound to be stirred up by the regime. It’s like this sometimes. Then they forget, and when they remember again, they stir things up. Based on information from informants.”

“What on earth are you talking about?”

“This is the stark reality of what’s happening right now.”

“…….”

“Lee Taewan-sunbae was caught and taken in once. He was severely tortured. He still trembles his hands, you know.”

Come to think of it, I recalled Taewan clenching his fist in the middle of a meal or looking at his own hand with a pathetic gaze.

I had never seen his hand tremble as Hyungjo described, but he often wore a self-deprecating expression, as if holding a grudge against his own hand that wouldn’t move as he wished.

“Kim Hyungjo, are you on the wanted list too?”

“No, not yet.”

Not yet……?

That meant he would be on the list eventually. What laced Hyungjo’s tone wasn’t fear. It was a firm resolve that, by his own will, he would one day become a wanted man.

I couldn’t understand what any of this was about.

The hyungs and Hyungjo were ordinary university students. What could they have possibly done to be put on a wanted list? What kind of crime had they committed? Political offenders, what was he talking about?

“But why are you wanted? What crime did the hyungs commit?”

“…….”

Hyungjo looked at me with a displeased face, as if I was chattering on too much. Cowed by his expression, I clamped my mouth shut.

The incident that occurred in the middle of the night was sudden, incomprehensible, and abrupt. Suddenly, as if it were all a lie, a wave of drowsiness washed over me. It was a sudden, intense fatigue. My whole body felt languid, as if I had been tormented by something. I felt as if all my energy had been completely drained away.

And also…….

I had kissed Hyungjo. It couldn’t be called a kiss, but for the first time in my life, someone’s lips had touched mine.

A man’s lips, Kim Hyungjo’s lips.

They were quite soft. And hot.

As I stared at him with a dazed look, Hyungjo met my gaze with a what? kind of expression. That warm heat was the first sense of connection I’d ever had with Hyungjo.

“What are you staring at?”

“……I don’t know what’s going on, but thanks for helping me, anyway.”

“…….”

At my words, Hyungjo’s eyes vaguely shifted away. His ears had turned red. That blunt shyness tickled the nape of my neck.

It felt strange. Suddenly, the energy drained out of my body, and I became lethargic. My knees buckled with a sleepiness and weakness that felt like I was about to faint.

I staggered and hastily grabbed onto the hem of his clothes.

“What’s wrong, are you sleepy?”

Hyungjo asked. I managed to nod my head.

“It’s weird. I’m so……, sleepy. I can’t keep my eyes open……”

“You can’t be like this here.”

Overcome with drowsiness, my head drooped down. Hyungjo grabbed my shoulders.

This texture is so distinct, and Hyungjo has such a warm body heat…….

“Hyunwoo.”

“Mmmh….”

“Wake up, get a grip.”

Wake up……, get a grip……, Hyunwoo…….

From a very distant and faraway place, I could hear Hyungjo’s call repeatedly.

My whole body was exhausted, as if beaten to a pulp.

As if losing consciousness, I leaned my forehead against Hyungjo’s chest and sank into a deep slumber.

An intense, piercing ray of sunlight fell on my face. I opened my eyes, frowning.

It was my room. My body was lying on the bed. I stared blankly into the air.

What happened yesterday…….

My last memory was collapsing against Hyungjo, unable to fight off my sleepiness. I couldn’t figure it out. Scratching my messy, bird’s nest hair, I got up and went down to the living room. The hyungs were there.

“You’re up now?”

At Sungjoon’s question, I was still half-asleep and nodded blankly, but then the events of last night came rushing back, and I urgently followed him to ask.

“Wh-what happened?! Last night, some strange people came in and searched the house! Hyungjo and I were hiding! They said they were people who came to catch the hyungs!”

“I heard about it from Hyungjo.”

Heo Seok replied indifferently. His expression was so stiff it was hard to even approach him. As I hesitated, Taewan saw my just-woken state and told me to go wash up.

I hurried upstairs, washed my face, changed my clothes, and came back down. Taewan must have gone out in the meantime, as only Sungjoon and Heo Seok were sitting in the living room.

I looked at them with an anxious gaze. As if last night’s events were no big deal, Heo Seok nonchalantly said, “Ah, we should eat breakfast,” and walked into the kitchen.

I asked Sungjoon.

“Hyung, what happened yesterday?”

“The chairman of the Sammin-tuwi was arrested. It’s a big deal. The Jeondaehyup has to come up with some countermeasures. I don’t know how long we can maintain things like this.”

“Someone came into the house yesterday. Hyungjo and I were hiding, and it seemed like they were searching the place.”

“It happens sometimes. You were scared, weren’t you?”

Sungjoon caressed my cheek. It was an embarrassing gesture, but because it was him, it felt okay. Like an innocent lamb, I silently entrusted my cheek to his touch and asked.

“Did the hyungs do something wrong?”

“You said you grew up in the countryside, right? That’s why it’s good. The power of the regime doesn’t reach there. I wish the world were like that. A world where someone tries to suppress another’s freedom with money, with power—it’s nauseating and sordid.”

“Hyung, I.”

“You wouldn’t understand even if I told you.”

The voice that cut me off came from above. Hyungjo was coming down from the second floor. Unlike yesterday when he had smiled at me and been briefly gentle, he now had the same chilly gaze that was just as off-putting as ever.

At Hyungjo’s cold remark, Sungjoon let out a sigh.

“Yes, you probably wouldn’t understand even if we told you.”

His voice trembled faintly, as if he were whispering, as if it were a pity.

Despite having pressed his lips against mine last night, the guy had a stern face, pretending to have completely forgotten or be entirely unaware of what had happened. It was an artificial face, as if now was the time to act cold. He was clearly still upset about the LP. His birthday gift, said to be worth millions of won, which I had deliberately broken.

I mumbled to him.

“The LP from yesterday……”

“Ah, I got a new one.”

Startled by Heo Seok’s words from behind me, I asked again.

“Really? I heard it was expensive, how did you manage?”

“It may be expensive, but something of that level is manageable.”

Heo Seok smirked, as if my wide-eyed reaction was cute.

“Thank you, hyung. I was really worried. I was at a loss because I didn’t know what to do about it. Thank you.”

“It was nothing.”

As I repeatedly thanked Heo Seok, Hyungjo scowled.

“Kim Hyungjo! Are you happy now? You were frowning and throwing a fit over breaking one thing, you petty little brat.”

“…….”

At my master stroke, Hyungjo walked into the kitchen first, as if I wasn’t even worth responding to. When Heo Seok announced that breakfast was ready, I also hurried toward the kitchen.

On the table were a freshly boiled, savory soybean paste stew, braised cutlassfish, and some gat-kimchi and dried side dishes that Heo Seok had brought from home. Before I could even finish saying I would eat well, I began to devour the breakfast as if I were possessed.

It was truly strange. Even though I ate so much, and felt so full and satiated, why was I always hungry as if I were starving? It was to the point where if I didn’t have snacks on the side, I had no energy to even move. While finding it puzzling, I grinned foolishly when Heo Seok praised me for eating so well.

∞ ∞ ∞

In an empty classroom, I was writing down the test results from the lecture that had just ended. There was a lot of material to organize and many formulas to memorize, so sometimes my head would throb with a sharp pain. If I let my guard down for even a moment, I couldn’t keep up with my fast and nimble peers. Always chasing after my classes, I was living my campus life without ever dreaming of things like club activities or blind dates.

I was adrift everywhere. I felt like I was falling behind even in my daily life. As a result, I naturally became a loner and was getting used to a life of being alone. The sense of alienation was, by now, familiar.

I was calculating figures with an engineering calculator. Just then, someone opened the door and entered the empty classroom.

Seeing him, I shot up from my seat.

“Taewan-hyung!”

“Hey, you were here?”

“This is the first time we’ve met at school. Hyung, how did you know I was here?”

“I came to the engineering building to meet a friend and saw you.”

“Wow, it’s really good to see you. I think I’m even happier seeing you here like this.”

“Yeah, were you studying?”

“Yes. I was just organizing the last lecture. If I don’t do it in advance, I get confused and forget it again.”

Taewan perched on the empty chair in front of me. He stroked his stubbly chin once and looked at me. When I smiled brightly at his gaze, he burst into a hearty laugh.

“What makes you so happy that you’re grinning all day?”

“They say smiling brings good fortune.”

“Ha, right. Smiling does bring good fortune.”

“But hyung, is it okay for you to be walking around like this? Yesterday the police were looking for you……”

“Ah, it’s fine. The chairman of the Tuwi has been arrested now, so that’ll serve as a showcase. It’ll be quiet for a while.”

“What’s a Tuwi chairman?”

“…….”

Taewan didn’t answer and just stared at me intently. His expression wasn’t one of you don’t even know that? but rather his pupils were gazing at a distant, faraway place. As if he were dreaming, yet still looking at me with a clear gaze, he opened his mouth.

“They are people who seek their rights. People who cannot stand suppression, oppression, and irrationality. People who have not lost the essence of living.”

“…….”

“Maybe this is why we need things like principles or ideology, just as Seok says. Even if you build a tolerance for such things, you still need to know. About how to live properly.”

About how to live properly…….

A huge whirlwind blew through my chest. I couldn’t understand what he was saying at all, but strangely, a gust of wind rose in my heart. It was a tremor.

About living properly, like a human being, as a human being.

“……Sometimes the hyungs say things I can’t understand.”

“It might be better if you don’t know.”

“…….”

“Keep this in mind. That thing called freedom isn’t the right to choose a channel or a menu at a restaurant.”

He averted his gaze and stood up. I followed him and stood up, asking.

“Are you leaving?”

“Yeah, I’m busy. I have someone to meet. See you at home later.”

Taewan hurriedly left the classroom.

I stared blankly at the empty classroom where he had disappeared and was lost in thought.

The hyungs often said things I couldn’t understand, just like that.

Things like freedom, capitalism, dictatorial regimes…….

They were words far removed from my interests. The hyungs and Hyungjo were overly sensitive about that common interest. Things like the Yushin Restoration, martyrs, or the movement. No matter how hard I tried to get involved, Hyungjo would push me away, and I was becoming a strange figure who could neither join in nor pull out. Hyungjo didn’t want me to participate in it. He was demanding that I be an observer. Anyway, all of this was Kim Hyungjo’s fault.

I sat back down and tapped on the engineering calculator again. The calculator, with its countless English words on small, narrow buttons, seemed a world away from the things Taewan had been talking about.

Thanks to the professor’s circumstances, the next lecture ended early, so I was able to go home early for the first time in a while.

The inside of the house was chilly. It seemed no one had returned yet. I peeled and ate a couple of boiled eggs from the dining table and went up to my room.

On my way to my room, I stopped in my tracks.

I heard a strange sound. The groan of a beast, muffled, frustrated, and in pain.

“……What’s that sound?”

It was a time when no one should be home. There was no reason for such a sound to be coming from the house at this hour. For some reason, it was a frightening noise that sent shivers down my spine. A wounded animal was whimpering.

I set out to find the source of the sound. My palms began to sweat. It wasn’t a noise that would cause harm to my life, but I felt tense for no reason, and my heart beat rapidly.

The sound was coming from Heo Seok’s room. A faint groan seeped out from behind the door. Knock, knock, I tried knocking. There was no response from inside, only a sob that sounded like someone was sick. It seemed someone was in pain.

I hesitated, then carefully opened the door.

“…….”

Two startled faces looked back at me.