World Chapter 3.4

My body, standing in front of the hospital, trembled as if I were standing on ground where an earthquake had struck. My legs and hands were trembling, so I gripped my wrist tightly. I took endless deep breaths.

Inhale and exhale, inhale and exhale…….

Only after repeating this countless times did the trembling in my heart and entire body subside. For some reason, Hyungjo is in the hospital. Hyungjo, who had leaped across an eternity of time. My beloved Kim Hyungjo, even though I realized it had all been a trick of the soul…….

I love you. I love you.

Muttering endlessly as if casting a spell, I hardened my heart and entered the hospital. Hyungjo’s room was number 707. I walked slowly, searching for room 707.

Room 705, 706, 707…….

I stopped in front of it. I stared intently at the ivory-colored door of room 707. It felt like a gate leading to hell or the underworld. His name was written below the number.

<Kim *jo>

Confirming his physical existence, something surged up inside me. I stared blankly at his name for a long time. The strong sense of betrayal and extreme sadness I felt when I thought Hyungjo was a ghost were instantly comforted by those three syllables of his name.

It didn’t matter if he didn’t love me or couldn’t remember me. I would love him again, and I would make him love me again. And so, we would grow old together as real beings, not souls, and I would love him until the day I died.

I stood there like that for a long while. As I stood dazedly in front of the door, a nurse approached from somewhere and removed the paper with his name on it.

“Why, why are you taking it down?”

I asked her, startled. The nurse simply crumpled the removed paper in her fist.

I watched, stunned, as the letters spelling out Kim Hyungjo were crushed in her hand.

She spoke with a look of pity.

“He passed away this morning. You should go to the funeral hall.”

……What?

“The patient passed away. Please go to the funeral hall.”

What did you say? What did you just…….

“Pardon?”

“He passed away this morning. Please go to the funeral hall. The memorial altar should be set up.”

It felt like the blood in my body was seeping out through every open pore.

He passed away this morning?

Does that woman even know the proper meaning of the words “passed away”?

The funeral hall?

A funeral hall is a place where, when a person dies, when someone dies, they are sent off with a final ceremony.

Is she speaking with a proper understanding of what a funeral hall means?

“Passed away……? Who, who……?”

“Professor Kim Hyungjo. He died of cardiac arrest this morning. Please go to the memorial altar. It’s that way.”

Cardiac arrest……?! Hyungjo is dead?

Hyungjo is dead?!

No, no. That can’t be. It can’t be.

Kim Hyungjo! Kim Hyungjo! Kim Hyungjo! You damn bastard!

All the blood that had been circulating through my body drained out, and I couldn’t see anything. My mind went blank.

“……You’re lying.”

“Please go to the funeral hall.”

“Don’t lie to me!”

Startled by my scream, the nurse stepped back. I kept screaming until someone dragged me away. I thrashed convulsively in their grasp.

No, no, he’s not dead, he’s not dead! You bastard! Bastard! Kim Hyungjo, you bastard!

While I was hesitating, he was alive, and while I was shedding useless tears, he was alive.

Until this morning, he was alive under the same sky as me, breathing the same air.

His heart just stopped?

Dying all alone, leaving all alone…….

What am I supposed to do, what am I, the one left behind, supposed to do! Please, just tell me.

What am I supposed to do!

I cried until I was exhausted and collapsed onto a folding chair. The funeral hall staff, at a loss, watched me and let out soft sighs.

He’s dead. Kim Hyungjo is dead.

I’m sick of crying now.

Come back to life, come back to life, come back to life, I tell you!

Tears flowed every time I screamed inside my heart. The way they welled up and blurred my vision, it felt like blood.

If this is blood, I wish it would all flow out until my body is empty of it.

I’m begging you. I’m begging you, Hyungjo. Please, just turn back time, turn it back just one day…….

Please. Please. Just one day, just one single day.

How long had I been crying? Someone wrapped an arm around my shoulder and helped me up. I flinched and lifted my head to see a middle-aged woman sitting before me.

I recognized her at a glance. She was Hyungjo’s wife.

The elegant woman wiped my crying face with a handkerchief.

“Are you here to see the professor?”

Ah…….

My heart ached as if someone was squeezing and twisting it.

This must be the fiancée who was promised to Hyungjo.

The person who had Hyungjo for all those long years…….

I still love you so much like this, I haven’t even gotten to see you yet.

My chest felt so tight and painful that I wanted to scream. Every time tears blurred my vision, the woman wiped them away with her handkerchief.

“You must have adored our professor so much……. This morning, he just.”

The woman lowered her long neck in a truly sorrowful gesture. As she bowed her head, the white nape of her neck was revealed. It was a long, elegant nape, like a deer’s. It was white to the point of being pale.

She dabbed at her own tears with the handkerchief she’d been using to blot mine. Hyungjo’s wife, the woman who had grown old with him through the years I never knew.

“You should at least pay your respects to his portrait. Get up.”

“…….”

I stood up, supported by her.

Hyungjo, are you watching right now? Are you seeing the state I’m in?

You bastard. Do you see me standing here with your wife?

Go to hell. Just rot in hell.

Stumbling, I reached the funeral hall.

Elaborate condolence wreaths of three and four tiers were placed calmly along the path we took.

The reality of my steps, heading toward the memorial of the man I loved, finally hit me. The more I walked, the slower my steps became, until it ended up looking like Hyungjo’s wife was pulling me along.

I didn’t want to see it. I really didn’t want to see it now. I just wanted to run away. I wanted to collapse.

“Student, don’t be like this. You have to go and pay your respects.”

“N-No……, I don’t want to.”

What kind of respects am I supposed to pay?

Kim Hyungjo, hello? Good riddance. Bastard, did you have fun tricking me? Huh? Are you happy now that you’re dead like this? Those kinds of respects?

No……, no. I don’t want to see. I don’t want to see anything anymore.

The hand of the woman supporting me was warm. Hyungjo’s hands were warm too. When he held me, when he kissed my lips, he was hot.

You did love me, right? Right? Say you did. Say it!

I cried until my throat was hoarse. I let out silent screams until my chest felt bruised.

Inside his memorial hall, loud wails were echoing. People were crying sorrowfully.

Because Hyungjo was dead. Because Hyungjo had died this morning without my permission. Because he died the very moment I resolved to forgive him for tricking me and to love him again. Because by dying, he had truly become a ghost. Because he left without letting me see his face properly even once, without ever letting me touch him.

I staggered and stood before Hyungjo’s funeral portrait. The strength drained from my legs, and I collapsed right there.

Hyungjo, with an expressionless face in a black frame.

The aged Hyungjo…….

“…….”

He had only gotten older. He was Kim Hyungjo. It was the face I remembered.

And……, the look in his eyes as he gazed at me was still, just as it was, like that, right there…….

I prostrated myself before the portrait and burst into tears, screaming as if my own father had died.

It feels like my soul is drifting in a void. My head is ringing, and my vision is hazy.

Am I dying now? Hyungjo’s face faintly comes to mind.

I’m dying. Are we going to meet now? You’d better be ready to die at my hands when we meet. I won’t let you get away with this. Leaving me all alone like this……, I really hate you. I’m not going to forgive you.

I blinked my blurry eyes. Sounds suddenly poured into my ears, which had become a vacuum where nothing could be heard.

A mournful wail, a dirge mixed with sorrow…….

I was still at Hyungjo’s memorial hall. Tears I wasn’t even aware of continued to stream down. Hyungjo’s wife ceaselessly wipes the tears from my cheeks. As she wipes them away, she cries too.

Every time I shed tears, the woman would also weep as if she had forgotten something. It was a ridiculous sight, as if I were her son. I had lost my beloved father, and she, my mother, had lost her husband, Hyungjo. And so we were facing each other, crying pitifully. That’s what it looked like.

“Good heavens……, how can you cry like this. How upset the professor would be if he saw you.”

He’d be plenty upset, I’m sure. How upset he must be, having died without ever seeing me after I’d leaped through time.

Why haven’t I aged? Why am I still the same?

I hate this, I hate this, I hate this, Hyungjo. Say it isn’t so. You’re not dead. You’re just teasing me again, right? Right, right, please…….

My heart collapsed. I struck my chest with my fist, thud, thud. She and I cried for a long time, realizing the fact that Hyungjo had left.

Only after a time when we were too exhausted for even tears to fall did she compose her grief and ask cautiously.

“Are you a student in the professor’s class?”

“……Yes.”

“Come now, stop crying and have something to eat. You must be completely drained from crying so much.”

“……Why did Hyungjo, no, Professor Kim Hyungjo pass away?”

“So you didn’t hear the news. Our professor had a weak heart. He’d been hospitalized for a few months now because he would occasionally lose consciousness. For the past few weeks, he’d been unconscious the whole time. He was in a coma and then this morning, he just.”

“…….”

Heart disease……. So that was why Hyungjo’s complexion was always pale and his expression stiff.

You caught quite a noble disease, Professor Kim Hyungjo.

“……Did he leave a will.”

My tone was flat. I wanted to confirm that I had existed in Hyungjo’s life. I had to confirm it to feel compensated. If it could offer even the slightest compensation to this loving heart of mine, then I could forgive Hyungjo.

Hyungjo, who had abandoned me so cruelly and left.

“There was no separate will. It was all so sudden.”

“…….”

“Student, what’s your name?”

“…….”

“Student?”

“Did you love the professor.”

“……Of course. The professor was a truly wonderful person. Very affectionate too……. Like you, student, I respected the professor.”

“…….”

I love Hyungjo. I love Hyungjo. It’s not respect. I love him!

“Mother.”

A low voice, similar to Hyungjo’s baritone, was heard.

A hallucination, am I hearing things again…….

“Hanse!”

“Mother, what on earth is this all of a sudden.”

Hyungjo, it’s Hyungjo.

I dazedly watched Hyungjo collapse before his own funeral portrait.

My eyes frantically followed Hyungjo. But Hyungjo’s wife had called him her son, and called him Hanse.

Hyungjo, returned to life, prostrated himself before his own portrait and shed fierce tears. His sobs were deep and thick. Hyungjo soon accepted his own death. He calmly composed himself, changed into mourning clothes, and became the chief mourner at his own wake.

As I stared intently at Hyungjo, Hyungjo’s wife helped me up and led me to him.

“He’s your father’s student. He was crying so much……. Say hello.”

“…….”

Hyungjo stared intently at my face.

Hyungjo, it’s me. It’s me, don’t you recognize me?

He watched me for a long time as I started to cry again, then bowed his head to me in greeting.

“Thank you for coming.”

“Student, what did you say your name was?”

His wife asked me. I was still crying, looking at Hyungjo. My crying steps were wobbly. I swayed with every step forward. Hyungjo caught me and held me up.

Ah, ah……! Sadness and ecstasy burst in my chest like a balloon popping.

I love you. I love you, Hyungjo.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and hugged him. Hyungjo, flustered, tried to push me away. I collapsed into his pushing hands like a straw doll.

“Hanse! What is this rude behavior? Student, are you alright?”

“…….”

His wife defended me. Hyungjo helped me up. My face, contorted as it was, looked up at him.

Hyungjo sat me down on a chair in the back. His wife returned to the memorial altar to greet the mourners in Hyungjo’s stead.

Hyungjo, acting as the chief mourner in front of his own funeral portrait.

I love you, I love you.

I still love you so much like this…….

“Hey, are you alright?”

Hyungjo taps my cheek. It feels like a hole has been drilled in my head and my brain is leaking out. I lift my trembling arm and caress his cheek.

“……I love you, Hyungjo.”

“…….”

I cupped and caressed Hyungjo’s blurring cheek. Sinking into Hyungjo’s eyes as he stared at me blankly, my mind went out like a blown fuse.

∞ ∞ ∞

My consciousness gradually returned to the sound of murmuring. I forced open my eyes, which refused to open. It was a hospital. I was lying on a hospital bed. An IV was connected to my arm, a needle piercing my skin, feeding a foreign substance into me.

I opened my eyes and looked around. The scenery seemed to be rotating around me as its center. I shook my dizzy head. Soon, I heard a whispering voice.

“Of all times, for this to happen while you were on a business trip. Are you okay?”

“He was in a coma for a while now. I was prepared.”

“People, really. It would have been perfect if that man Hyungjo had one more child, a daughter. His only son is so cold.”

“My father won’t come back to life just because I’m sad.”

“Hah, honestly. Anyway, the chief mourner will have a hard time. So, when is the funeral procession.”

“The day after tomorrow.”

“Where will he be laid to rest?”

“The family burial ground is prepared.”

“By the way, who is that student? I saw him crying so sorrowfully earlier.”

“……I heard he was my father’s student.”

“Hyungjo, that friend of mine was very affectionate. He was blunt but tender. Seeing his student cry like that, it seems he didn’t live such an empty life after all. Don’t you think?”

The low laughter of three or four men could be heard. The laughter sounded distant, as if I were drugged.

Did they give me a sedative? I feel like I’m going to throw up. My stomach is churning. Hyungjo comes into my dazed view.

Hyungjo looked around and then helped me sit up. I sat up as Hyungjo raised me, like an obedient, well-behaved lamb.

I’m dizzy. I feel nauseous…….

I wanted to quickly shake off this unpleasant feeling and face Hyungjo with a clear mind. As I barely held onto my consciousness, Hyungjo asked me coldly.

“You, what was your relationship with my father?”

“…….”

We were in love. You said you would love me forever. You said you wouldn’t forget, you definitely said it with your own lips.

I wanted to say something but I couldn’t get a grip on my senses. He straightened my head, which kept lolling and swaying from side to side. His hand slapped my cheeks. My mind cleared a little, but my soul was soon sucked back into a dream-like dizziness.

“I asked what your relationship with my father was!”

“……Hyungjo.”

“I am Kim Hanse. Hey, get a hold of yourself.”

Hyungjo shook my shoulders.

You were going to be alive like this, so why do you keep scaring me. How many times a day do you want my heart to drop. Don’t look at me with those eyes. Hyungjo, why are you looking at me with those eyes?

When I reached out my arms to hug him, Hyungjo hit me. I cupped my stinging cheek with my hand and looked up at him.

Hyungjo’s coldly hardened face resembled Heo Seok in some way. Tears flowed down my hot cheek. Seeing my tears, he grimaced even more.