World Chapter 5.6

I wish he’d become a ghost again and appear before me, telling me what happened to him, asking me to find his body.

Sungjoon hyung…….

“I wish I could see ghosts again. So I could ask Sungjoon hyung where he is.”

“What could Director Heo have meant by saying he personally saw Ji Sungjoon die?”

“I thought it was strange, too.”

Hanse was lost in thought about something, then suddenly turned his gaze to my face, scrutinizing me. I was thinking about Hyungjo, so receiving a gaze from Hyungjo’s son made my face flush.

Even though it was the countryside, the season was summer, and there wasn’t even a single fan, let alone an air conditioner. The refreshing feeling from washing up had long since disappeared, and the room felt hot.

Is that why Hanse’s face was red? Hanse, too, seemed hot as he took off his shirt. Half-naked, he lay down on his stomach on the bedding like me, resting his head on his arm.

His body had more muscle than Hyungjo’s. As I ran my hand across his athletic shoulders, Hanse freaked out and shrieked.

“What are you doing?! I told you not to touch me!”

“……You’ll wake up the kids.”

At Hanse’s cry, the puppy started barking again.

Perhaps because the surroundings were so quiet, its woof, woof barking sounded incredibly loud.

After barking at the moon for a long while, the puppy seemed tired and crawled under the wooden porch, curling up to sleep.

I watched it through the half-open door, then closed it. We had lit some incense, but a fierce swarm of mosquitoes was rushing in.

“What kind of exercise do you do?”

As the surroundings quieted down, I opened my mouth. I hated the silence. I also hated myself for thinking of Hyungjo. I felt like I wanted to talk about anything. Hanse, as if trying to sleep, answered with his eyes closed.

“Early morning soccer.”

“Don’t lie. These are muscles you build.”

I poked him in the back again. Hanse’s eyes flew open as if he’d been stabbed by the sharp tip of a spear, and he glared at me.

“Didn’t I tell you not to touch me?”

“Geez, you’re making such a fuss. What are you going to do if I touch you?”

I tapped his shoulder again as he made a scene.

“Stop it while I’m being nice.”

“What are you going to do if I don’t?”

“Don’t come crying and begging for forgiveness later. Just go to sleep.”

“Who’s going to cry and beg?”

As I tapped his shoulder area again, Hanse, who had been lying with his eyes closed, suddenly shot up and grabbed my arm, pinning me down.

“Whoa, whoa?”

“Didn’t I tell you to stop?”

“Ah, I won’t. I said I won’t. I really won’t do it.”

Hanse playfully scrunched up his face. With his other hand, he began to tickle my side. I gasped and twisted my body.

“Ahahaha, ahaha, ah… Guhaha, ahaha ah, okay, I was wrong, ah… Pahahaha.”

I thrashed about, bending and straightening my body, tangled up with Hanse. Just as Hanse had said, I really did end up crying and begging.

At the sound of our loud laughter, the puppy that had gone to sleep under the floorboards crawled back out and started barking.

Laughter burst out of me as if my lungs were collapsing. It was so ticklish, like bugs were crawling all over my body.

Entangled with Hanse, I twisted my torso. My feverish forehead touched his bare chest. Hanse’s body flinched, and all his movements stopped.

“Uhaah…….”

I exhaled the breath that had filled my throat, and my dazed mind returned. Rubbing my hot forehead against his chest, I barely managed to lift my head.

Tears that had gathered at the corners of my eyes trickled down. As I met Hanse’s eyes, Hyungjo came to mind.

“…….”

“…….”

A silence that felt like it was scratching the back of my neck flowed between us. All the noise from our frantic laughter disappeared, floating in the air like tinnitus.

My right hand was around Hanse’s side, and my other hand was clasped with his, held above my head.

We stared stupidly at each other’s faces for a long time. Hanse, like me, must have followed a branch of memory and thought of his father, then thought of me, his father’s lover, and then recalled that his father and I had, even if it was just an illusion, been in a relationship. My heart pounded so loudly that Hanse could probably notice it.

He’s not Hyungjo, he just resembles Hyungjo, yet my heart is trembling at the sight of Hanse…….

It was humiliating. Time slipped by helplessly under our endless gaze.

I couldn’t move, and it seemed Hanse couldn’t either. It was because we had completely missed the timing to break this awkwardness.

Entangled in Hanse’s gaze, I couldn’t look away. My eyes must have been wavering.

I was probably looking at Hanse the same way I did when I wanted Hyungjo. Gulp, I swallowed the saliva that had pooled in my mouth. My Adam’s apple moved in response.

Hanse released my hand that he had been pressing to the floor, our fingers still intertwined. His expression was like a fuse had blown. I was still lying there, trapped by Hanse.

“……Why are you looking at me like that?”

I couldn’t bear his silence and asked. Even my voice trembled.

“It must have been in a dream. Father was……”

“…….”

“Go to sleep. It’s late.”

He pulled his torso away from me, then turned his back and lay down. I also turned my body to lie on my side, showing him my back.

I pressed my arm against my chest, afraid Hanse would hear my heartbeat. I missed Hyungjo like crazy. I had to see Hyungjo soon. Hanse scared me.

The expression Hyungjo made before we kissed and Hanse’s face now looked exactly the same.

Hanse was about to kiss me.

∞ ∞ ∞

Hanse and I had breakfast at the house where we’d stayed the night before leaving. The old man stubbornly refused the money Hanse tried to give him, so we eventually gave up and left, but then we forcefully handed some money to the lady who was sitting at the store.

Guided by the children, we went to find the house where Ji Sungjoon’s father lived.

Ji Sungjoon’s house was in a slightly more secluded part of the village. The surrounding fields were a mess, left untended as if no one took care of them.

The children pointed, saying “over there,” and then ran back lightly, like hummingbirds taking flight.

At the children’s fingertips was a ruined house that looked like a ghost might pop out of it.

The path leading to it wasn’t maintained, so weeds were growing wildly. The vegetable patch was also left in a state of desolate disarray.

Peeking around the silent place that seemed like an empty house, I tried to see if anyone was around. But only a deep silence answered back.

Hanse also came back from around the backyard, shaking his head. It meant no one was there.

I tried opening a door to one of the rooms. The inside was a mess, as if no one really lived there. Only soju bottles placed by the door remained as a trace of someone. I was sighing that we had come for nothing when I heard footsteps. It was the sound of someone dragging their feet, stumbling along the dirt path.

Hanse and I went outside to look. An old man with a dirty appearance was walking towards us. Staggering over, he saw me and his eyes widened. I wondered if that was how Shim Bongsa looked when he opened his eyes and saw his daughter, Shim Cheong.

Hanse blocked the old man who was rushing blindly towards me.

“Aigoo! Sungjoon-ah!”

It was because I resembled Ji Sungjoon.

The cramped room was a mess with clothes and trash, and it even gave off a foul stench. I couldn’t even breathe because of the unbearable smell. Unlike me, who was fidgeting, turning my head this way and that to somehow avoid the stench, Hanse sat silently, looking at the old man.

The old man looked at me and sobbed in despair. I was not the son he had so desperately hoped for and waited for.

“Have you received any contact from Ji Sungjoon? Has there been any news from anyone? People related to him, perhaps……, please tell us everything you know.”

At Hanse’s words, Sungjoon’s father burst into tears.

My son, my baby……, my poor baby…….

Hanse and I silently watched the wails of a father who had buried his son in his heart. When the old man grabbed a half-empty soju bottle, Hanse snatched it away, set it far off, and asked.

“Has there been no contact at all since he went missing? From anyone?”

Sungjoon’s father stroked my face with his blackened, grime-caked hand. Unable to be the son he longed for, I could only sit still, looking at him with pity.

“My son looked exactly like this kid. He was kind, and he was good at his studies, too. Now I don’t even know if that rascal is dead or alive. Sungjoon, you brat……”

“Was there anyone who came looking for him after he went missing?”

“After he went missin’, the police came. They turned the whole house upside down. His mother was so shocked, she burned all of Sungjoon’s things to a crisp……. My wife died that year, too. What in the world, what wrong did that Sungjoon kid do. Our Sungjoon didn’t even do any student activism. That quiet boy, what kind of activism is activism…….”

“He didn’t come back home, and you didn’t hear any news at all?”

“Nothin’. One of Sungjoon’s friends came down and took care of my wife’s funeral. That fella is now Representative Heo Seok. Do you know him?”

“Representative Heo came down and handled the funeral?”

“He took all of Sungjoon’s belongings with him, too. I kept the paintings. The ones our Sungjoon drew.”

Heo Seok had come down, acted as the chief mourner for Ji Sungjoon’s mother, and handled the funeral. And he took all of Ji Sungjoon’s belongings that hadn’t been burned, along with the remaining paintings.

Did Heo Seok love Sungjoon hyung? Did he really love Sungjoon? Or was it a vicious obsession?

“That’s right, and then Heo Seok gave me money. Not just me, but didn’t I tell you about Sungjoon’s friend, Taewan? That fella’s family’s contact information should be around here somewhere.”

Heo Seok had sent money to Sungjoon’s father from time to time, but the aid had stopped one day after a long while. He said it was awkward to keep asking for it, and the amount Heo Seok had sent over the years was considerable, so he didn’t ask for more.

He said Heo Seok was a grateful person. And he gave us Taewan’s family’s contact information.

Ji Sungjoon’s father looked at me with pity, but then as if that too was painful, he waved his hands dismissively, telling us to go, and flopped down onto the grime-stained bedding.

“If you notice anything unusual, this is my contact information. Please call me.”

Hanse took out all the cash in his wallet along with his business card and placed it on the floor. He hesitated slightly, but with a frown, he just left it and came out.

I looked at the house under the hot sun, which looked like it was about to collapse.

Hanse smoked a cigarette without a word. Like Hanse, I was not in a good mood. If Sungjoon hyung were watching this, how heartbroken would he be……. That’s why I had to find Sungjoon’s tracks even more, and I had to trace his life or death, where and how he went missing. The heavy responsibility and duty became even heavier.

We went around the village asking people about Ji Sungjoon and Heo Seok.

They all said that Heo Seok was a loyal friend. To my ears, Heo Seok’s actions here were those of a completely different person from the Heo Seok I had seen in the past few days.

Had Heo Seok changed? Had he lost his true self over those long years? My heart felt gloomy. We were only able to leave for Seoul in the afternoon.

Hanse tried to call the contact number he received from Sungjoon’s father, but no one answered. He contacted his office and instructed them to trace the address and phone number.

Sungjoon and Taewan were dragged away by someone at the same day and time. At that moment when I was in his arms, afraid of being separated from Hyungjo. My chest felt even more constricted.

As I recalled Hyungjo’s scent, the smell of despair that emanated from Sungjoon’s father also came to mind.

“Why the long face?”

“……What.”

“You look like you’re about to cry.”

“…….”

The faint sound of the car engine hummed in my ears. Where were they dragged off to, without even being properly dressed? I remembered Taewan’s military pants, shed like skin on the bed. It felt like I could smell tear gas. Taewan’s soul’s scent. The scent of a revolutionary that lingered even after death. What am I supposed to do?

“I’d like to see it, how much you and Ji Sungjoon look alike.”

“…….”

I stared blankly at the darkening highway. Hanse’s face was reflected in the car window. I stroked his side profile reflected in the window. I traced his silhouette with my finger. I don’t know what is reality and what is truth.

Am I bewitched by the moon…….

It was only then that I realized I had gone through something tremendous.

“It was strange sometimes when I was with Hyungjo. I would feel anger and sadness that weren’t mine, and I’d get angry and cry. I think that was Taewan-hyung.”

“Is it because you and Ji Sungjoon look alike?”

“Maybe…….”

I was tracing Hanse’s face reflected in the window with my finger, and he was watching me from within the window.

“Keep your eyes on the road.”

At my words, Hanse turned his gaze forward.

I miss Hyungjo.

The stories I could only tell Hyungjo, the pain that only Hyungjo could understand and comfort……. The desire to lean on him unconditionally rose up like a riot. I couldn’t bear Hyungjo’s absence, and I hated him for leaving me alone.

The memory of despair when I realized Hyungjo was not in this world. The thrill when I found Hyungjo again and confirmed that he was alive under the same sky as me, the overwhelming joy like a deep emotion. When I finally went to find him, he was no longer of this world. The first Kim Hyungjo I encountered in reality was just a picture in a funeral portrait.

And then I met his wife and his son.

It was too cruel, no matter how you looked at it. While I missed Hyungjo, in a corner of my heart, an undeniable love-hate relationship boiled over.

I miss you. I long for you. Hyungjo. I miss you teasing me, I miss the kindness when you kicked my foot when I was embarrassed by Heo Seok’s words, I miss you reciting modern world history, I miss you explaining the story of Madame Butterfly and pressing your lips to my ear……. I miss you endlessly.

“What’s wrong?”

Hanse asks irritably, as if annoyed by my silence and the dark mood that has sunk deep beneath the earth’s strata.

Because I miss your father like crazy, because I feel like I’m really going crazy for missing him, because I don’t even know how to explain it…….

“Hey……, can I go to your house?”

“…….”

I wasn’t talking about the house Hanse was living in after moving out, but Hyungjo’s house.

Hanse was silent for a long time. To my questioning expression, the words he threw at me were, “No.”

“Why?”

“Why? Are you asking because you don’t know? Why?”

“…….”

“What the hell is wrong with you? My mother is alive and well, and you want to go in there? What are you going to do there! Claim that since we loved each other, all my father’s things are yours now? Are you trying to assert ownership or something? Or are you going to confess to my mother? That her husband was in love with me?”

“You know that’s not it. It’s just, Hyungjo was there. So…….”

“My father is dead! He’s dead! You two never even met?!”

“…….”

“You’ve never met my father.”

“……No.”

What was sadder than the fact that he was dead was that I had never met Hyungjo, that it was all a dream and an illusion. Looking at me with tears welling up in my eyes, he roughly swept his hair back.

“Damn it! I really can’t believe this. Why don’t you just die? I think that would be better. If you miss him so much, then die!”

I stared at Hanse blankly.

The traffic started to back up as we approached the tollgate at the entrance to Seoul. Hanse, too, was frowning and glaring at me. It felt like my own reflection was visible in his angry eyes.

What kind of eyes do I have right now?

Hanse glared into my eyes, then bit his lip and turned his head away.

“You’re insane.”

My eyes were probably agreeing with Hanse’s words to die. Yes, they were probably saying that I’d rather die.

It becomes like this again. When I think of Hyungjo and reminisce about Hyungjo, Hanse senses it like a ghost and gets angry.

It’s not that I don’t know how he feels. Hanse recognizes the sorrowful look in my eyes, helpless with longing for Hyungjo, as quickly as Hyungjo did.

I know very well that it’s unpleasant for Hanse that I miss his father. If emotions could be controlled by will, I would not have gone to the hospital to find Hyungjo that day.

Longing is longing, and missing someone is missing someone. Right now, his son, who looks exactly like Hyungjo, is annoyingly pacing back and forth in front of me. Even if I try not to think about him, I do.

While he understands all my informal speech and whining, why can’t Hanse understand this? No, why won’t he even try to understand? Can’t he understand this feeling of mine? Can’t he like me like Hyungjo did?

“Get out.”

“Where are we?”

“You’ll know when you get out!”