World Chapter 5.7

To be honest, I’m still not used to him yelling at me with Hyungjo’s face. Whenever Hanse yells and gets angry at me, I find myself yelling and getting angry back. It’s a way for me to subconsciously remind myself that Hanse is not Hyungjo.

“You get out!”

While he considers my informal speech and short address of “you” as childish pouting rather than an insult, why does he get so furiously angry when I miss Hyungjo? Is it because he thinks of his mother? If that’s the reason, then he just shouldn’t see me.

I stayed in the car, refusing to get out. Hanse, who had gotten out of the driver’s seat, came over to my side and flung the car door open. I, who had been defiantly crossing my arms, was instantly dragged out of the car. I almost tumbled to the ground. Hanse grabbed one of my arms and dragged me along.

“Where is this?”

“…….”

“I said, where is this?!”

Hanse, who had parked the car in a quiet residential alley, dragged me to the front gate of a certain house. Hanse rang the bell and let go of my arm. A voice came from inside.

―Who is it?

Hanse answered.

“It’s me, Mother.”

“…….”

As soon as the door lock was released, Hanse went inside. I gently pushed the open gate and followed him in.

It’s Hyungjo’s house. The garden of the two-story Western-style house was steeped in the green of a summer day. I walked through the fresh, watered garden to the front door. Soon, the door opened and a welcoming voice was heard.

“You said you were busy, what brings you here without any notice? Oh my, Hyunwoo?”

Hyungjo’s wife, Hyungjo’s woman, the woman who spent thirty years with Hyungjo.

I bowed my head to her in greeting. It felt as if some irresistible force was pressing my head down. Even though I didn’t want to greet her, I bowed my head as if Hyungjo himself was pushing it down. She came running out, her face lit up with pleasure.

Hanse, as if he couldn’t bear to watch, went into the house first.

“Hyunwoo! My goodness, did Hanse bring you? He never even pretended to listen when I told him to bring you over. I’ve still kept the professor’s belongings. Have you had dinner?”

“…….”

I stared blankly at the wrinkles creasing around her eyes.

The sense of betrayal that had been budding in my mind, which was filled to the brim with Hyungjo, burst open.

The woman pulls me, who hates and despises Hyungjo, and by extension, his wife, into the house.

Come in, come in, hurry. She says, welcomingly.

As I entered the living room, a large grandfather clock caught my eye. The time was pointing to nine o’clock. The bookshelf behind the sofa was packed with books.

I was being pulled in by the woman when I stopped in front of a family photo.

Hyungjo, Hyungjo’s woman, and a young boy who appeared to be Hanse were pictured with cozy and affectionate expressions.

Hyungjo, who lived a longer time without me than with me.

How am I supposed to fill that time? Should I die, as Hanse said? Only by dying can I fill that deep void and get a little closer to you?

Or……, or did we really never meet?

Hanse leans against a wall in the living room somewhere, arms crossed, watching my mother and me. Avoiding his gaze, I let the woman’s hand lead me into Hyungjo’s study.

“Hyunwoo, if there’s anything you need, take it. The professor would have liked that too.”

“……Thank you.”

“I’m going to have a little talk with Hanse, so you’ll be alright on your own, right?”

I was left alone in Hyungjo’s space.

Hyungjo’s study, bathed in soft lighting, was purely Hyungjo’s space. The endless books on the shelves and the globe on the table. I touched the mahogany desk.

I run my hand over the cool surface of the neatly organized desk. The tangible reality of the real Hyungjo, which he would have touched, which he would have leaned on, which his hands would have reached for.

Tears suddenly welled up. Tears fell onto the desk, splattering and spreading. I sat in Hyungjo’s chair and buried my face in the desk.

Ah……, Hyungjo’s scent is faintly spreading out.

I covered my face with both hands and trembled, afraid my sobs would escape.

Don’t die……. Don’t die……. Don’t die, Hyungjo…….

I pressed my hands firmly against my face, barely holding back the flowing tears. I cried, not even knowing Hanse had come in. When I took my hands away from my face with a hiccup, Hyungjo, no, Hanse was standing there.

“…….”

Hanse was looking at me as if he were looking at a sick person. I looked up at him, crying. By facing Hanse, who looked exactly like Hyungjo, I could feel Hyungjo’s death and absence even more vividly.

We gazed at each other, our eyes tangled in a daze. After a long moment, Hanse spoke in a lighthearted tone, as if trying to change the mood.

“Father always sat alone in this room. The back of my father sitting at his desk. When I was young, he was an object of admiration.”

Ignoring my eyes that were asking what he wanted to say, he ran his hand over the bookshelf and continued, as if reminiscing.

“I used to sneak into this room without father knowing. I’d play by spinning the globe, and I’d take out all these books and build my own space like a fortress. I’d hide under the desk without father knowing and fall asleep……. Those are my memories with my father. What kind of memories do you have?”

“…….”

“It was a dream. I can’t explain it, but it’s not reality. You both had a dream. Don’t you see the difference?”

“I don’t care.”

“A dream is just a dream. What are you going to do if you can’t get out of it like this? Are you really going to die?”

I stood up from the chair. I still remember Hyungjo’s scent and can clearly distinguish it, and you say it’s just a dream?

The feeling of that cold tongue is still so vivid, and you say it’s a dream?

My heart felt like it was going to rip apart at the despairing look in Hyungjo’s eyes when he rejected me, saying he was engaged, and you say that’s a lie?

Someone like you……, someone like you.

“I’m leaving.”

“Hey, you punk, get a grip.”

“I’m leaving, I’m going to leave. I’m leaving!”

Hanse wrapped his arm around my swaying waist and set me straight. I glared at Hanse through my blurry, tear-filled vision.

“Did father tell you he loved you? Did he kiss you and hold you?”

“……Let go! Let go of me! Let go!”

The more I struggled, the tighter Hanse’s arm became. With my lower abdomen completely pressed against Hanse, I wiped my blurry eyes with the back of my hand.

“Father said it was a wet dream. He said he ejaculated after having sex with you in a dream. What about you? Did you ejaculate?”

“I did. More than dozens of times. It felt so good I thought I’d rather die right there. Do you know what it was like after that? I was at the point where I’d ejaculate just from our clothes brushing against each other! Because it was good, because it was so good, we just kept doing it!”

“…….”

Hanse ground his teeth. Then he pushed me away and let go, and I slumped to the floor.

“Don’t confuse dreams with reality. You’ve never met my father, Kim Hyungjo.”

Hanse said coldly.

I genuinely resented Hyungjo. As I composed myself and left the study, I heard a clattering sound from inside, as if his wife was preparing refreshments.

I fled the house as if running away.

I staggered down the street, completely engulfed in darkness. The world looked hazy. My aimless steps were limitless, and there was no destination.

I hated Hyungjo for putting me in this state. He shouldn’t have done it. Maybe it was harder to get over him because he was an intangible Hyungjo from the beginning. If he had been tangible and had a physical body from the start, I wouldn’t be this confused.

Do I believe that because Hyungjo is a spirit, I can love him again even after death? I couldn’t let go of my lingering feelings for him.

It felt like Hyungjo was watching me from somewhere…….

What is wrong with me?

Am I, as Hanse said, unable to distinguish the boundary between this world and the next?

“Jung Hyunwoo! Hyunwoo!”

Hanse’s shout and the sound of a car followed behind me. I ignored him and kept walking. I walked as if I couldn’t hear him.

Hanse was reprimanding me for not being able to distinguish the boundary between this world and the next.

Saying it’s an intangible memory, a dream…….

I know, but it shouldn’t be like that. It shouldn’t be like that.

At some point, the sound of the following car stopped. The thought of jumping into the Han River and dying to confront Hyungjo suddenly crossed my mind. I clenched my fists tightly.

Yes, let’s die. Let’s just die.

Unaware that someone was blocking my way, I kept walking and bumped into them with a thud.

“Get a grip, you bastard.”

“…….”

“Let’s go, home.”

I struck Hanse’s face as he pulled me in, as if to restrain me. I hit him frantically, whether with my fist or palm, and left a long, red scratch on Hanse’s cheek.

Hanse glared at me as if he was going to kill me. It was a scorching gaze that said he would wring my neck and rip it off right away. A fiery sorrow surged within me. I couldn’t hold it back and screamed.

“If what you say is true, then how do you explain this situation of us being together? If Hyungjo and I only had a dream, then why am I with you right now? Why! Why did I meet you?!”

“Do you really not know the reason?”

“What are you trying to say?!”

“Have you ever thought that maybe father brought us together?”

“…….”

“I’m telling you to see clearly what is reality and what is a dream! How long are you going to be dragged around by this fantasy?”

“It’s not a fantasy……, it’s not. I’m telling you, it’s not!”

Smack. Hanse’s hand roughly slapped my right cheek. Sparks flew before my eyes. Tears suddenly fell, wetting my cheek.

“Get a firm grip on yourself. Think straight about who is with you right now, who it is you ended up meeting.”

“…….”

I twisted and freed my wrist, which was tightly held by Hanse. Staggering, I started walking in the opposite direction. Hanse didn’t follow me. Carried by the wind, his murmuring voice reached me.

“Think carefully about whether that’s my father or me.”