There Is No Hidden Villain in This Novel Chapter 89

‘…This is more than just screwed up.’

The tears wouldn’t stop. It was no use even when I swallowed the moist, wet sobs down my throat.

It wasn’t a common occurrence for me to cry. I mean, actually crying, not just a physiological reaction.

Not following the principle where the tear ducts automatically release moisture when the corneas become dry, but a fall where I, myself, am unable to control myself.

“…Don’t look. Avert your gaze. Get the hell away from me.”

I must not break down. Not just because I was Cassis de Millang, but because that’s just how I was. The person called Jeong Ian was not someone who could break down, and that fact alone was my pride. The strong mental fortitude that allowed me to laugh off any incident with a single snort was what supported me.

But I really cried. The mere fact that you might have died stimulated me. It made it impossible to maintain my composure. It crushed my reason. It broke down the being that was me. This wasn’t what I intended. I was supposed to break you, not be broken myself.

That son of a bitch must have cast a spell on me. Otherwise, there’s no way a person like me would break down into such a mess. I tried to back away, pressing down hard on the corners of my eyes with the back of my hand.

For now, I had to run away from you. I couldn’t show you this pathetic state in my right mind…

“Where are you going.”

“…Fucking hell, let go.”

The words won’t even come out properly. No, to be precise, the act keeps faltering, and Jeong Ian’s way of speaking is about to pop out from within, so it’s dangerous. I feel that maintaining the mask of Cassis de Millang is harsh. Come to think of it, I have an ego too, so I guess it’s a harsh thing to have to live as someone else. I didn’t realize it because I was used to it, but maybe that’s also a sad thing. Even if it’s not abuse. Even if it’s not a massive scar like the one Cassis de Millang suffered.

So, what I’m trying to say is…

“If you’d rather force me to my knees, then do so.”

“…What?”

“I’ll do anything you ask. But, right now, don’t look. This pathetic state… hic.”

The rest of the words were swallowed. Like ink spilling from a fountain pen, my voice melted away below my throat. It was because my tear-soaked cheek was caught. A large, firm hand gripped my face with one hand, holding it in place so I couldn’t pull back, and you, who had approached just like that, swallowed my lips.

Because you kissed me… I couldn’t say anything.

And maybe, this was what I wanted.

‘You despicable bastard.’

Those words weren’t aimed at Ryuseong. They were for me. Jeong Ian, I really am a son of a bitch. I began to suspect that I might have intentionally broken down because I knew Ryuseong would hold me if I showed a weak side. That I intentionally created an opening because I knew he was the kind of person who would hold me tenderly if I became vulnerable. Because the person I am is inherently disgustingly selfish, I might have schemed without even realizing it. I was that kind of bastard from the beginning.

And Ryuseong didn’t know me.

‘Poor thing…’

He didn’t thrust his tongue in deeply. He pressed his lips against mine, pulled my tongue through the parted gap and sucked on it, caressed my upper lip as if licking it, and bit my lower lip slightly. Ryuseong kissed me lovingly, as if soothing a lover. You don’t know what kind of stability that short moment gives me, what kind of vulgar thoughts it makes me have. You can be kind to me because you don’t know.

‘I’m thinking that I want to jump you right now.’

I think it would be better if you just cut off my breath instead of this cute pecking. A human-like guy really doesn’t suit me. I liked sons of bitches like myself. I liked bastards because I didn’t feel guilty no matter how I treated them. A guy like you, who kisses even the enemy who murdered his family, friends, and acquaintances before regressing so gently, was someone who shouldn’t get involved with someone like me.

But it’s because you’re that kind of guy that I came to love you. That first night we spent together, the way you held me so gently at that moment, it made me feel like I was someone precious. You know what I mean. Sweet and fragrant, like something that would break at a touch.

At that time, you seemed to think I was some kind of light. You told me I was so pretty that the frequency of me looking in the mirror increased since that day. Because you said I was pretty, I even thought it was a relief that I had transmigrated into Cassis de Millang. If I had transmigrated into some extra who looked like a squashed lump of flour, I wouldn’t have been able to hear those words from you.

No matter how much of a thorny path Cassis de Millang’s life was predicted to be, in that moment, I felt like I could fly.

‘I guess I really do love you.’

I think the reason my tears won’t stop is because I thought you might have died. To be blunt, all I had to do was kill you. Right? There’s no one to threaten me if not for you, so all I had to do from the beginning was kill you, and I could have been safe. But I went ahead and spat out the bold ambition of wanting to spend the night with you. Maybe I liked you from back then. I guess I was really into the protagonist of the book I had only seen in words.

At first, I thought once would be enough.

But after tasting it once, the thirst intensifies.

‘You’re like saltwater.’

I know that the more I drink, the more thirst it will bring. And yet, I can’t give up. Even though this sweet kiss is stained with the taste of tears, I can’t pull my lips away.

‘I want more.’

I wrapped my arms around your neck. You flinched slightly at what was just an embrace, and I hated that, so I sobbed with a pained sound as if I were getting impatient. You soothed me, lightly rubbing under my chin with your hand and adjusting the angle. To make it easier to kiss… but I didn’t want to end it with a kiss.

I didn’t want it to end. I wanted to have you, even if it meant ruining my pride that was so strong. If I show you a weak and broken side, you’ll hold me a little more, right? That expectation was implicitly there. It’s so humiliating that I want to die, but still, the thought that you would hold me already makes my mouth feel sweet.

If anyone was going to ruin you, it had to be me. And only you could break me.

Why did I realize that just now?

“…Have you calmed down?”

Ryuseong gently pulled his lips away and, holding my cheeks with both hands, asked quietly. I was still crying, but at least I wasn’t sobbing so violently that I couldn’t breathe. The tears were just flowing thinly like a broken faucet. Thanks to that, a blurry film didn’t form over my retinas. That meant I could see you clearly.

He pitied me, and worried about me. In his blue eyes, only I shone, and the rest had no luster, like inanimate objects. I was happy that he was completely absorbed in me, lost in thought. It also felt quite good that he was caressing me gently, as if handling something that was about to break.

But maybe I wanted to be broken. It was a feeling I hadn’t even known myself, but maybe I had wanted to be torn to shreds all this time. Maybe I had hoped to be crushed into a mess and trampled on.

And since you were the only person in this world who could truly break me.

I smiled gracefully.

“It’s not enough…”

Smiling like a bending willow tree, I moved my eyelids slowly. Blink, blink. Every time my skin covered my pupils and then rose again, my thick eyelashes trembled like a butterfly, dropping tears below.

This was a smile closer to Jeong Ian’s than Cassis de Millang’s. Because it was closer to seductiveness than malice.

So maybe I find a little bit of comfort in the fact that I am facing you as myself.

On the other hand, Ryuseong seemed anxious.

“What can I do to make you feel comfortable.”

…He seemed to want me to be happy. A truly presumptuous desire, I think, but.

Still, there was a fragment in it that made me happy enough not to kick it away. Even if it wasn’t complete happiness, even if it was a joy that would disappear in a puff like a soap bubble. I was alive here, and you would never be able to recognize the me inside Cassis de Millang, but…

“Kiss me. I want that.”

The one kissing you was me.

Even if I was the only one who knew, I was happy about it.

“…Should I do it like before.”

He asked cautiously, so I slowly shook my head. Ryuseong narrowed his eyes with a look of disbelief.

Just because you do that doesn’t mean what I have to say will change, though.

I smiled with somewhat sorrowful eyes.

“Until I’m a complete mess…”

It wasn’t Cassis de Millang, but me, who was kissing you. I sincerely wished for that one thing. I wanted you to kiss me until my memories flew away. I wanted the violation of having a thick tongue shoved down my throat. In truth, it might not have mattered who it was, but I thought you would be good. A cowardly person like me just wanted to use you for that reason. And as I spat out the last word, everything became clear as to why I specifically wanted you.

“Ravish me.”

I’ll give myself to you, so break me…

Ah, I guess I want to be broken by your hands.

Then it would be natural for tears to flow. Not a crazy person suddenly bawling…

‘You see me as someone who is allowed to cry. Maybe I like that about you…’

A storm is brewing in your eyes. I know how my gentle smile looks. The fragment of a wave about to break at any moment was me, and since foam dries up easily, you had to become the tide and crash over me. You had to do it, just because I commanded you.

And you pulled me down in one breath. The sensation of falling, pulled by gravity, tickled my spine eerily, but the arm wrapped around my back supported me firmly, so I fell as lightly as a piece of straw.

Lying in the snowfield as you had laid me down, I looked up at you and then traced the tip of your chin with my fingertips.

“…”

We pressed our lips together again.