There Is No Hidden Villain in This Novel Chapter 97

“You know, you can kill me.”

Ryuseong was not a person who had never been unhappy. In fact, he thought he might have been unhappier than Cassis de Millang. A child of the wasteland who had to grow up eating corpses in a territory of monsters without humans. There was no way to say such a life was not unhappy.

Moreover, to save the world, Ryuseong had to lose his close friends and comrades one by one, and sometimes he had to abandon them. That was the only way he could survive. That was the kind of life he had lived. In the end, he was betrayed by Cassis de Millang, lost all his parents and friends, and had to watch the world perish while feeling a pain, anguish, and rage that seemed to shatter his mind.

However, Ryuseong was not the type of person to measure the depths of unhappiness and trade wounds, and above all, people who have tasted despair definitely have parts that can resonate with each other… Ryuseong felt he was only now beginning to understand him.

“You have to take responsibility… for daring to say you love me.”

Watching him say that he would be fine with dying if Ryuseong would just say he loved him, even if it was a lie, Ryuseong thought he now understood the weight of those words… that he was sorry for only understanding now…

It was a different kind of resonance from the misconception he’d had before. Once, when he saw Cassis de Millang’s childhood, Ryuseong thought he could finally understand him. At that time, Ryuseong thought Cassis de Millang didn’t know the value of his own body because he had experienced violence so routinely. So he thought that Cassis didn’t even know that this kind of thing was miserable.

But it wasn’t that he didn’t know the emotion of misery. Rather, it was because he had to avoid thinking of the word “miserable” in order to live.

Ryuseong, who had wandered the wasteland, did not know from the start that he was worthy of dignity. He was ignorant because no one had taught him the value of a human being. But you would have known. Thanks to your parents’ love, you would have known how precious and valuable you were. And so, you knew, yet you were continuously deprived.

He had no intention of daring to judge which one was more painful.

However, you must have constantly compared yourself. At the academy, watching countless peers living normal lives, you must have had to continue the thought that it was normal to be treated this way because you were not dignified. Because that was the only way to live. Because if you were treated like this despite being dignified, you wouldn’t be able to bear it any longer…

But Ryuseong had dared to invade your ego with the concept of love, breaking down your defense mechanisms and making you see reality. He had dared to touch you. You were already precarious, on the verge of collapsing…

‘Ah. What kind of arrogance was this?’

Ryuseong wanted to scream that he loved him until he was breathless. If he were asked to prove how much he loved him, he would have done it. He wanted to take out his heart and show it to him.

But he couldn’t do that. Until now, he hadn’t listened to a word Ryuseong said. In other words, Ryuseong had failed to persuade him. That was not Cassis de Millang’s fault. It was his own fault for failing to give genuine trust to a heart that was so elaborately broken and twisted. Even if he confessed his love, he didn’t think it would be any different now.

He had to change his method. This was all thanks to Cassis de Millang becoming honest. He was grateful. And at the same time, he hated everything that had pushed him to the brink.

‘Including myself.’

He couldn’t even imagine how terribly painful it must have been for him to become this honest.

It was so miserable that he wanted to die… but paradoxically, he wanted to live.

Because Cassis de Millang had demanded responsibility.

“…”

Ryuseong had to take responsibility.

I have no idea what that Ryuseong bastard is thinking. He just stares at me hollowly with those pale blue eyes. His gauntly carved cheeks tremble intermittently. Are you in pain or do you want to laugh? If it were me, I think I’d want to laugh. Even I think I’m funny. I think I’m damn funny. I want to throw a guy who thinks pathologically like this into a sewer somewhere. I want to chop up his broken head on a cutting board and pour it down the drain. I want to make him disappear from this world like that.

When it rains, the blood will be washed away too. The blood drops that splattered on the asphalt will all be washed away when it rains. Not a trace will be left. That would be nice…

If the sewer design is bad, it might not be effective. What if the blood doesn’t wash away completely and pools? The realization that killing myself is difficult comes along with it.

I could never stand how difficult it was to kill myself. Even if I tried to commit suicide, I didn’t want to bring trouble to my perfectly fine family. Why should I have to do that? The household runs fine if I just endure it. But sometimes, when I felt like I couldn’t bear something, I would think.

‘Wow. I wish someone with a grudge against my family would luckily stab me with a knife.’

That’s just how conglomerate families are. Those who grow fat by sucking the blood of others are bound to accumulate a lot of grudges. So I thought I wished I would be the one to suffer that grudge. Because then my death would be both a natural and a fortunate thing. In any case, it seemed better for me to die than for my older brothers to die. Naturally.

That’s how it was. Life, it was something where the order was decided. Not all humans were precious. They say there’s no finger that doesn’t hurt when you bite it, but there’s a separate finger for wearing a jewel ring and a separate nail for getting nail art.

I didn’t despair just because I was pushed to the back of the line. It was okay to be sent away to serve as a scapegoat shaman, taking the anger of my great-grandfather with dementia. It was bearable even when I started to be treated like a non-existent person in our house. Because my family was happy since I took on that role. So there wasn’t really a problem.

But sometimes, in moments when I wanted to die, I would have such thoughts. I wished someone else would kill me. Killing myself, no matter how I thought about it, seemed like a selfish act…

What’s the difference between the two, you ask? There’s a difference between being active and being passive. Someone else killing me has the advantage of someone else putting in the effort that I would have to put in. Hearing only this much, the former might seem selfish, but listen further. A person with a grudge is usually happy when they commit murder. Then I get to resolve someone’s grudge and fulfill my desire to die, killing two birds with one stone, right? Besides, if someone else killed me, they would clean up the body to avoid getting their crime discovered, so it was a total win. And it wouldn’t cause any unnecessary harm to others.

‘Because everyone would be shocked if they saw a corpse.’

In that sense, I gave Ryuseong a chance to settle his grudge. A chance to eliminate the hateful enemy, the trash that dared to kill his family and friends… enough. I don’t have the energy to make excuses anymore. I am a selfish, fucking piece of trash. Are you satisfied now?

I am hurting you for the reason that I am scared to die.

I hated this side of myself too. I wanted to kill it. It was hateful, shameless, and disgusting. And yet, I said it. Just because I wanted to say it, I… how can I be this selfish… I didn’t want to look into your eyes anymore. I couldn’t. I closed my eyes for a moment. The tears that had welled up were pushed out by my eyelids and streamed down.

But the next moment, when you started speaking, I was so flabbergasted I had no choice but to snap my eyes open.

“To get straight to the point, thank you. I love you too. I guess we’ll be a real couple from now on. It’s embarrassing, but thank you so much for the passionate confession…”

“…Are you crazy?”

Hey, you. Crazy. Fucking, bastard. All sorts of curses swirled in my mouth. But if I actually spat out the words I was thinking, I’d get sanctioned by the Korea Communications Standards Commission. I barely managed to pause for a beat to compose myself before shouting.

“Just where did you hear my words from?”

Phew. My formal speech is back now. I guess that means I’ve regained enough composure to think straight.

But Ryuseong seemed intent on making me lose my mind completely.

“You’re the one who shouldn’t be playing dumb. You’re just scared I won’t take responsibility for you.”

“What, what. What nonsense…”

“Don’t worry. I’ll take responsibility.”

…You bastard. I am not a spinning top. If you keep spinning me, I’ll die. I’m not a spinning top, so if you keep running the happy-go-lucky circuit, it will burn out, the circuit will burn! It’ll catch fire, I tell you!

“Stop messing around with me. Who do you think I am for you to say such things…”

“The person I love.”

“This son of a bitch.”

Ultimately, huffing, a curse burst out.

“What do you mean you’ll take responsibility! When you’re so damn weak!”

A kick came with it.

However, Ryuseong nonchalantly dodged the kick, then returned to his spot, nodded, and said.

“You’re indeed weak as well. I have no choice but to protect you. Acknowledge it, and accept it. This is the gap between you and me…”

“Are you messing with me right now? Who do you think you are to toy with me…”

“I said I’ll take responsibility.”

“…”

Ryuseong’s eyes shimmered blue, making my insides churn as well. Suddenly, I felt breathless.

Are you, right now, being serious…?