Dirty Sweet Baby Chapter 103

The myth of Sisyphus came to mind. The myth about the man punished to eternally push a heavy boulder to the top of a mountain. The fleeting joy of reaching the summit after overcoming a hardship is far too short, while the suffering is long and endless. What’s more, it repeats continuously.

Thus, happiness and unhappiness go hand in hand.

“…Hey.”

Heeheon, who had been rolling his eyes to look at the dark ceiling, parted his lips and whispered.

Cha Moogyul. For the short moments of happiness I share with you.

“I’ll… think about it.”

I will endure the long unhappiness I share with you and live on.

If he had to overcome endless curves and conflicts anyway, if he had to struggle so arduously and difficultly with life, then Heeheon decided to find hope in the fact that Cha Moogyul was right next to him at this very moment. He didn’t know how much more effort he would have to make for his and Cha Moogyul’s hearts to connect. It seemed like a long and distant road. But still.

Still, the two of them were together.

“In any case, it’s an abuse of authority and draft-dodging. And you’ll have to pay a considerable price too.”

Heeheon squinted and muttered quietly. A small voice, barely audible, leaked through his teeth.

“Giving up your ability… that’s not an easy choice. It’s like breaking the wings that can fly to the sky with your own hands.”

“It’s a cheap price to pay. Just the wings.”

Cha Moogyul murmured lowly and touched Heeheon’s cheek. He kneaded it as if making sticky rice cakes, just as he always did, then swept down his chin. Since the night was deep and his vision was blocked, even his small movements felt more detailed.

Heeheon sighed and replied in a much more relaxed voice.

“Don’t be so certain. I’ll think about it again, so you should think about it some more too. We’re awakened, after all.”

Heeheon pushed aside the burrito blanket and took out one hand, pressing it against Cha Moogyul’s chest.

“In an era of war, having a power that isn’t given to others means that it comes with a corresponding responsibility. Of course, it’s a dangerous and difficult path, but it’s not something to just be thrown away.”

“…”

“So let’s think about it and talk again later. I understand how you feel now, so…”

“…”

Cha Moogyul slowly lowered his eyes. His long eyelashes, slanting downwards, cast a deep shadow around his eyes. It was a breathtaking sight. It felt as if time was twisting and flowing slowly.

He was silent for a while, lost in his own thoughts, before he replied calmly.

“Right. That would be better.”

They agreed to have a grace period. He was glad that there was room for understanding. A sense of relief bloomed first, followed by the fatigue from the emotional toll.

Until a moment ago, it had been a sleepless night, but not anymore. If he closed his eyes now, wouldn’t he be able to fall into a peaceful sleep?

But he couldn’t fall asleep just yet.

Heeheon had one more thing he had to say tonight.

“And…”

Heeheon raised his head and looked carefully into his eyes. He, too, quietly and calmly met Heeheon’s gaze, holding it.

Looking at the pair of black eyes submerged in darkness, a deep abyss came to mind. A desolate night. The days he had been so terribly lonely. The worries he could never tell anyone and the secrets he thought he would take to his grave.

“I don’t think you have a personality disorder.”

He didn’t know why he brought this up. It just felt like he had to say it.

“You’re just so excessively perfect that the existence of other people is faint. No one has ever been able to have a meaningful impact on you. But.”

While he couldn’t deny the heartlessness and coldness in Cha Moogyul’s innate disposition, he didn’t believe his morality was flawed. He was just too much alone.

Just like the old Baek Heeheon.

“I worry, don’t I.”

Heeheon reached out and awkwardly mimicked Cha Moogyul. He lightly pinched and pulled his cheek as if touching a sticky rice cake, then kneaded it.

“About my life and death. My safety. Things like that.”

Cha Moogyul’s cheeks were thin, so it wasn’t that fun to touch, but just doing this felt quite nice.

Cha Moogyul didn’t even stir, simply offering his face to Heeheon. Soon, his expression slowly softened, and Cha Moogyul lowered his head, rubbing his cheek against Heeheon’s palm.

“You do, hyung…”

It felt like he had tamed a huge, ferocious beast. Heeheon thought that was enough.

“So. Who knows, I might be the start.”

“…”

“You’re still young. You don’t know life yet.”

“Advice…? You’re acting like a hyung for the first time.”

“Take it to heart. It’s coming from experience.”

Heeheon awkwardly removed his hand from his cheek. Cha Moogyul then followed Heeheon’s retreating hand, pressing his handsome face closer. He silently urged him to keep touching, capturing Heeheon’s image in his jet-black eyes.

As if seeing Baek Heeheon right in front of him wasn’t enough. His dark gaze clamored for Heeheon, yearning for him, as if it was far from enough and he couldn’t be satisfied.

Becoming strangely nervous, Heeheon carefully touched Cha Moogyul’s face, which had been given to his hand. A moment ago, when he was kneading his cheek, he hadn’t had any particular thoughts, but now he was self-conscious and couldn’t touch him as freely.

“…I really never thought I’d be in a relationship like this with you, and I never thought the day would come when I’d be touching you like this.”

Tracing his high cheekbones and sharp jawline, he swept his hand over them once, then lightly brushed the tip of his chin with his thumb. He then slowly moved up and pressed his soft lower lip.

“I thought I would never even fight with you, let alone have any physical contact, and that I’d avoid you from a distance forever.”

Now he touched his cheek again. His cool body temperature cooled his palm. He cupped the entire cheek, holding it in his hand as if it were his own, then gently stroked it.

“Would it have even been plausible for us to be like this… But we’re good now, aren’t we?”

“…”

“Even if it’s a bit unstable.”

As he tickled Cha Moogyul’s eyelashes, which looked as if they had been planted strand by strand by an artisan, Heeheon’s lips trembled slightly. He was filling himself with Cha Moogyul so greedily, he didn’t know why he had been making such a fuss and struggling so much just a moment ago. Even fighting required two people to clash.

Feeling a little embarrassed, Heeheon lowered his voice and whispered.

“Um. They say everyone fights at least once in the beginning of a relationship.”

His face felt like it would flush for no reason. Even if it turned red, it wouldn’t be too noticeable in the dark.

His slowly blinking eyelids froze, his eyelashes stopping as they touched the tip of Heeheon’s finger. Cha Moogyul was silent again for a while, and after a long silence, he nodded.

“A relationship… is it.”

His response was unusually slow and thoughtful for him, which made him feel even more embarrassed.

‘Don’t tell me Cha Moogyul didn’t even think of it as a relationship yet. We are officially dating, right?’

“I was skeptical. Almost.”

Cha Moogyul broke the silence and confessed to Heeheon. Like a sauce that had been boiled and reduced for a long time in a pot, his emotions had been trapped in his heart for so long, boiling and boiling and boiling until they had burned black and stuck to the bottom.

“Since I was the one who grabbed you by the throat.”

“…”

“I blocked your escape route, violated you, threatened, intimidated, and forced you. I acted like a complete son of a bitch, on purpose. It seems that bastardly behavior ultimately succeeded, and I even managed to extort your heart. But for now, obsession is bound to be more convincing than affection for me.”

“…”

“This is probably more like a temporary error or a distortion. Hyung, either your self-defense mechanism was triggered by severe trauma, or you’re confusing lust with affection, or if not that, your desire to escape is clouding your judgment…”

“Stop it.”

Unable to listen anymore, Heeheon cut him off abruptly.

“Do you think I’m a complete idiot?”

While refuting him without thinking, he was also quite surprised that Cha Moogyul had been thinking such things. He had thought that a weak emotion like anxiety could never swallow him. That even if he worried about Baek Heeheon, it would only be temporary, and in the end, he would decide, act, and do as he pleased without any regrets.

“Just because I showed a flustered and scared side in front of you, you think I don’t even know my own feelings…? No, no matter what, I’m not that naive of a person.”

It was only in front of Cha Moogyul, only in matters related to Cha Moogyul, that he lost his way. In his social life, his organizational life, he had always been praised as sharp and competent. In the first place, before Cha Moogyul appeared, he had been steadily building his career as a guide.

But what did he mean by a self-defense mechanism, lust, or even a desire to escape? Wow… My goodness. It was so unfair he could faint. If he hated it that much, he would have just ended his life. He would have continued his suicide attempts without giving up.

“Putting everything else aside, you should at least know my preferences. How strong my likes and dislikes are. I’m clear about what I like and dislike, and those standards never change, and people too…”

“…”

“If I, someone like that, say I like you, then I like you.”

“…”

“I’ve never been confused about my feelings. In the first place, I can’t be.”

“Then. A relationship?”

Cha Moogyul grabbed Heeheon’s wrist, pulled him into his arms, and held him in a rough embrace as he interrogated him. The white sheet covering them was disheveled, and Heeheon, exposing his naked body, answered truthfully, filled with his own desire.

“It’s a relationship.”