In This Life I Will Die as an Actress Not a Villainess Chapter 1

On a sunny afternoon, the corridors of HBC broadcasting station buzzed with commotion.

An audition for a newly scheduled miniseries was the cause.

“Why are the best romcom writer-director duo picking their female lead through auditions?”

“How should I know? I’m not even hoping to get cast. I’m just trying to make an impression on the director.”

Right before the audition began, the atmosphere from the powder room to the waiting area heated up.

Until someone’s voice threw cold water over everything in an instant.

“Huh…? Isn’t that Han Sena?”

People’s attention turned toward the sound of heels clicking steadily yet firmly across the floor.

Long dark brown hair with natural curls, dressed in a bright-colored suit.

Low heels that emphasized femininity.

Topped off with modest accessories and a small handbag…

“Why is Han Sena… here? Isn’t today the female lead audition?”

“Don’t tell me she’s planning to do a romcom.”

Han Sena brushed off the stares focused on her with a light smile as she headed toward the waiting room.

Her outfit was perfectly appropriate for an office romance role—nothing shocking about it—yet eyes filled with disbelief and bewilderment swept over her.

“Wow, she’s serious. Just because it’s about an older woman-younger man couple doesn’t mean anyone can do it.”

Han Sena.

A truly famous actress everyone in Korea knew.

Though that fame…

If Moon Eunyoung was the ‘Nation’s Little Sister’ and Ji-soo the ‘Nation’s First Love,’ then Han Sena was the ‘Nation’s Bitch,’ if you will.

Since her debut over a decade ago, Han Sena had been slapping pitiful heroines across the face, committing the most deranged antics in dysfunctional chaebol families, and throwing hysterical fits that crushed the self-esteem of entry-level workers at companies.

Stealing a friend’s husband was just the basics.

When she pushed her mother-in-law off a rooftop in that makjang drama that nearly hit 30% ratings, she couldn’t leave her house for a week.

Afraid of getting egged.

So when that same Han Sena appeared at a romcom audition dressed in the most demure, feminine coordination, the shocked reactions around her were, in a way, perfectly natural.

* * *

Inside the waiting room, just as noisy as the corridor.

‘I expected this, but… is it really that shocking?’

The glances from various actresses and aspiring actors fixing their makeup while sneaking looks this way felt burdensome.

Well, Han Sena in a romcom.

It is kind of funny…

The miraculous ratings are ancient history now—a washed-up villain actress coming here saying she’ll film a heart-fluttering romance…

‘Washed-up villain actress.’

I repeated it once more in my head.

Everyone must be laughing themselves sick inside.

But there was no time to worry about those stares.

I decided to refocus and gripped the already worn script in my hand.

Clammy sweat kept soaking my palms.

My heart kept pounding unsteadily.

Just like that day.

The memory of my first audition surfaced.

The starting point of a long, nightmarish life of villain roles.

I forced out the breath caught in my throat.

Ugh, what’s wrong with me.

I resented how my focus kept slipping into sentiment.

The reason my mind was this scattered… was anxiety.

After entering my forties, not only had offers for daily drama villain roles dropped sharply, but recently the ‘premium villain’ roles were being monopolized by young actresses with fresh faces.

In my recent rounds of various audition venues trying to land different roles, I’d already tasted the bitter cup of rejection several times.

My hope of continuing my acting career had grown thin.

Still, there was exactly one reason I was so desperate for this audition.

‘I still want to act.’

Not for money.

I’d earned plenty of money.

I just want to do more acting.

Because I’m an actress.

Inside me, there were too many versions of myself I hadn’t shown people.

I took another deep breath.

Stay calm, just do what I prepared.

“Number 84, please standby.”

At the staff member’s words, I stood up.

* * *

As expected, the bewildered stares continued inside the audition room where the director and writer sat.

“Sena, it’s been a while. Never expected to see you here, haha.”

The director spoke with forced cheerfulness.

I bent at a ninety-degree angle in greeting.

“Hello. I’m participant number 84, Han Sena.”

The writer waved both hands at me with an uncomfortable expression.

“You’re hardly a newcomer! How did you end up at an audition like this?”

I forced a bright smile at those words.

“Just for today, I am a newcomer, Writer. Han Sena in a romcom… pretty funny, right?”

At my words, the staff exchanged awkward, what-do-we-do-with-this looks.

“I appreciate your consideration. Let me begin!”

At my words, the writer glanced around nervously before throwing me a line.

“Manager Jeong, won’t you regret this?”

The role I’d perform today was Yoo Ari, a woman who’d been called tactless her entire life—a thorough poison type.

Just before turning forty, Yoo Ari fell in love with a younger man at the company where she’d desperately held onto her position…

Through that process, she became a character who discovered true life, what it meant to enjoy living.

The scene I was performing was Yoo Ari facing a breakup.

I bit my lip and turned my head to look at the floor.

Then opened my mouth.

“I… I won’t. Just go without looking back.”

I expressed trembling breath with a voice forcibly holding back tears.

“Then I’m leaving.”

“I said go already.”

I answered sulkily with a slightly louder voice.

Hearing my voice, the writer laughed with interest.

Then, opening my mouth again,

“Hey!”

I shouted toward the writer.

For a moment, all the staff showed startled expressions.

What I’d prepared started now.

I’d confidently challenged this audition because it allowed free performance.

The writer hid her surprise and answered.

“What?”

“You… those clothes, those shoes. Aren’t those what I bought you when we went shopping? Huh? You… take all that off before you go. Hey, give me your socks too!”

Before the line even finished, the audition room became a sea of laughter.

The flower of romcoms is, without question, ‘laughter.’

In that respect, I’d already half-succeeded.

The writer threw a few props toward me with an amused laugh.

I stuffed those items into the handbag I’d prepared.

While tears streamed down my face.

This was my character interpretation.

Too proud to hold him back, but saying it in a roundabout way—don’t leave.

Yet a lovable character you couldn’t hate.

I wiped away tears, stood up, covered both eyes with one hand, and shouted.

“Forgive me! If you love me, forgive me!”

I threw a childish tantrum.

And I became curious.

Beyond the hand covering my eyes, what expressions were people making right now…

* * *

‘Han Sena was… that good?’

Director Yoo, watching Han Sena’s performance, broke into a cold sweat internally.

An actress worn down by this industry had instantly dominated the audition room’s atmosphere.

An actress people barely glanced at anymore.

Bright red heat bloomed across Han Sena’s cheeks.

Transparent teardrops fell across those cheeks.

Anyone could see it was the face of a woman in love.

In other words, Yoo Ari herself.

Everyone watching Han Sena’s Yoo Ari had smiles stretching from ear to ear.

Writer Kim was also applauding and laughing for the first time, despite being exhausted from watching dozens of participants all day.

Then Han Sena finished her performance and bowed.

“That’s all I prepared. Thank you.”

As Han Sena finished her greeting, the loudest applause of the day poured out in the audition room.

The assistant writer whispered to Writer Kim.

“Writer… isn’t that exactly the Yoo Ari you envisioned?”

The director, who heard those words from right beside her, pressed his temple.

The comment applied to him as well.

Someone who could bring a character expressed in text out into the world.

They’d found that person.

The only problem was…

‘Of all people, Han Sena.’

Writer Kim stood up with a smile and greeted Han Sena, saying she did well.

“Why haven’t you been doing romcoms all this time!”

Han Sena smiled awkwardly at those words.

“Haha… Thank you for viewing it favorably. I really related to Yoo Ari in many ways.”

“Oh? You did?”

“Yes, she’s a woman hated by many people.”

At those words, silence briefly settled over the audition room.

In that moment, Han Sena bowed her head again and left the audition room.

* * *

“Haah…”

As soon as I left the audition room, the strength drained from my body.

I headed straight for the smoking booth and collapsed into a chair.

I tried to chew on the cigarette in my mouth…

My head was blank.

What did I even do.

Still, it was a good sign.

It meant I’d been that immersed, did my absolute best, and showed everything I’d prepared.

At least the writer’s reaction was good, so couldn’t I have some hope?

The days I’d poured into this audition flashed through my mind.

But then.

“Han Sena won’t work.”

Director Yoo’s voice came from behind the smoking booth.

The hand holding my cigarette stopped dead.

The staff must have all come out to smoke during their break.

The writer’s voice followed.

“Isn’t she worth considering? I was really amazed today. From one to ten, she’s exactly the Yoo Ari character I thought up and wrote.”

“Will viewers see it that way? Will they see the role instead of the actress?”

“But her acting…”

“We can cast someone with a good image and popularity and make them match from one to ten.”

Hearing those words made my hands tremble.

I quietly stubbed out my cigarette.

From the side, someone who looked like an assistant director added.

“Who doesn’t know Han Sena can act? But if we cast Han Sena as the lead, people will have severe negative reactions before the drama even starts.”

“Right, nothing we can do about a villain specialist. Her private life was controversial too. Well, we know her agency is trash.”

After hearing that much, I walked out of the smoking booth.

Embarrassment rose on the faces of those who saw me.

Only Director Yoo calmly gestured for the others to go back.

The staff glanced at me and quietly left.

Once we were alone, Director Yoo lit a fresh cigarette for me.

“Sena-ssi, feels like yesterday I saw you debut. Time really flies.”

“Director.”

My voice trembled on its own.

“I know my image is heavily consumed. But… have you thought about utilizing my villain image? It could create a reversal.”

At my words, Director Yoo smiled sadly.

“That’s not as easy as it sounds.”

“Director, an image transformation? I just need to overcome it once, just once…”

My words grew increasingly urgent.

Then Director Yoo cut me off.

“Sena-ssi, that’s not something I do. Whether by choice or circumstance… you’re the one who walked the villain-only path.”

In that moment, the thread-thin string I’d been desperately clutching inside snapped clean.

Director Yoo continued.

“How can other people help you leap over that wall?”

The director patted my shoulder.

“Offers aren’t coming in well these days, right? At least grab what roles do come.”

With those final words, Director Yoo turned and walked away into the distance.

My head went numb.

I felt like the ground was caving in.

‘Whether by choice or circumstance… you’re the one who walked the villain-only path.’

Those words churned through my head for a long while.

I… I didn’t want to walk this path.

It wasn’t my choice.

I didn’t want to only do this kind of acting either.

Besides… the only work I’d have for the rest of my life was ‘villain roles.’

Tears poured out uncontrollably under the crushing weight of those words that felt like a death sentence.

Right on cue, rain began to fall.

* * *

I went straight home and threw my clothes off carelessly.

I pulled vodka from the refrigerator and sat vacantly in the dark living room without even turning on lights.

Tears flowed endlessly.

This is…

This is exactly like telling me to wait for death as a useless old woman in the back room.

One glass, two glasses…

I emptied glasses without rest.

As I got drunk, my life flashed past like a revolving lantern.

The memory was still vivid.

That day I miraculously passed my first audition.

The confidence I’d boldly shouted—that I’d master any role, villain or monster—now seemed laughable.

I thought I’d act for life…

Eventually I began sobbing loudly.

“I really can do it.”

The hand gripping my glass turned red from the force.

I can show this breaking down, this hurting, this falling apart, being funny, falling in love, dreaming—all of it.

“It’s all already inside me.”

Anger suddenly surged and I stood up abruptly.

Dizziness hit as the alcohol rushed to my head.

I grabbed the bottle and staggered toward the study.

My rough hands tore through the bookshelf.

My fingers caught <Cinderella in Flat Shoes> script.

This was the root of all evil, my debut work.

I gulped straight from the bottle and opened the script.

My dense notes filled the pages.

Yoo Ji-an…

My first role in life.

“If only I hadn’t played this role…!”

Tears blurred my vision as I raged.

I buried my wet face between the script pages.

I hated myself like this.

Cursing the role I’d been so desperate for, that I’d wanted to perform well and did perform well.

Was I really only this kind of person?

Only this kind of actress…

The person I should be cursing now wasn’t me—it was Yoo Ji-an.

For barely living like this after I performed her.

‘Whether by choice or circumstance… you’re the one who walked the villain-only path.’

Director Yoo’s voice echoed again.

Right, who am I blaming now?

It’s all my fault.

The one I should be angry at is myself.

As I downed the last mouthful of vodka, my mind grew hazy.

So this is how my life ends, how my dream ends.

I threw myself onto the sofa to lie down.

But in that moment, a hallucination occurred—light seemed to spread from the script fallen on the floor.

Thunder that shook the earth rumbled from outside the window.

Must’ve been lightning…

I fell into a deep abyss in an instant, blacking out completely.

How long did I sleep…

A voice calling someone came through.

“…ra-ssi… Shin Sera-ssi!”

What’s that sound…

Who’s calling for someone like this?

“Shin Sera-ssi!”

Suddenly an unfamiliar voice approached right next to my ear.

When I opened my eyes, incomprehensible golden letters floated right before my nose.

[Mission: Discover Yoo Ji-an’s weakness.]

“What?”

My head throbbed.

Looking around, this wasn’t the study where I’d fallen asleep.

“Where is this…”

Then the golden text’s content changed.

[Reward: Regression]

Someone urgently shook my shoulder.

“Sera-ssi!”

I jolted upright at that touch, startled.