Formless Chapter 61

His mother must have fully recovered, but she often looked dispirited, and whenever that happened, Heewoon would talk about his brother. There were many times he prepared meals instead because his mother seemed lethargic. Since kimchi stew was the only dish he could cook, the menu was always the same. Then his mother would cheer up for a moment, but sometimes she would murmur, “Heehyeon likes kimchi stew too.”

That brief time spent outside, pretending to be tutoring, felt welcome. He realized anew that he was a bad person.

Lately, his outings were frequent, and his overnight stays were also frequent. Perhaps his mother might cheer up even a little if he were there. But thinking a bit more, he began to think that might not be the case. If he were there, his mother might have to pretend to be okay, which would make it harder for her. And for his mother, Heewoon alone was not enough. His mother needed his brother.

“Mother has gone through too many difficult things; she just needs someone else to be with her. Even if he did terrible things, he’s still her child, so she can’t let him go. Losing a husband would be much harder than losing a father.”

Heewoon often said this to himself.

He only met Gangwoo when the weekend arrived.

He greeted the woman who opened the front door and looked around. Usually, when Heewoon came, Gangwoo would be waiting in the living room, but Gangwoo was nowhere to be seen. Heewoon went straight upstairs.

“You’re here?”

A voice was heard as he climbed the last stair. Gangwoo was standing in front of the bedroom door at the end of the hallway. As Heewoon stood there, looking quietly, Gangwoo spread his arms. It meant “come here for a hug.”

Heewoon looked at Gangwoo’s slightly tilted face and slowly approached.

As he stood close enough for their toes to touch, Gangwoo let out a low breath and pulled Heewoon by the waist. So close that their bodies were completely pressed together. Heewoon’s feet fumbled and stepped between Gangwoo’s two feet. Stroking his head, Gangwoo said,

“I told you you could call me when you missed me, so why didn’t you?”

Heewoon frowned, his cheek pressed against Gangwoo’s neck. Seo Gangwoo seemed truly shameless. Listening to his words, one might think Heewoon missed him. That couldn’t be right.

Truly.

“Because you don’t call, I keep thinking about sunbae.”

“…You don’t think about me if you call?”

Heewoon asked quietly. Hmm… Gangwoo hesitated, as if he hadn’t expected such a question. The hand stroking his head was so large that its fingertips kept brushing behind his ear.

“I think about you even when you call.”

“……”

“I guess I just keep thinking about sunbae.”

Gangwoo said simply.

“Keep.” Heewoon repeated the word to himself. His mother would think of him, then always think of his brother, but Seo Gangwoo didn’t seem to be like that.

A familiar scent, as familiar as his mother’s, enveloped him. The voice that said he missed him was tender. Heewoon fleetingly thought that perhaps he felt more at ease than when he was with his mother.

Gangwoo entered the bedroom, holding Heewoon in his arms. Heewoon staggered backward, waddling, as his feet got tangled and he almost fell. Gangwoo giggled and plopped onto the bed.

“Ugh.”

Heewoon let out a yelp as his side was pressed by Gangwoo’s arm. Gangwoo paid no attention, kissing Heewoon’s cheek and forehead. Heewoon hunched his neck and turned his head.

He saw something he hadn’t seen before on the bedside table. A pot with dried statice now occupied the spot where a painting used to be.

“Isn’t it pretty?”

Gangwoo asked, as if noticing Heewoon’s gaze. Heewoon nodded ambiguously. Gangwoo admired the potted plant and toyed with Heewoon’s hair. Heewoon thought it was strange that a dead flower was placed in such a beautiful pot.

“How nice it would be if Woo Heewoon were like a flower.”

Gangwoo murmured calmly. Heewoon turned his head and looked up at Gangwoo. The words, whose meaning he could not understand, did not feel frightening.

🧸

At the end of winter, Heewoon thought this winter hadn’t been very cold. It was the warmest of the past few winters.

However, from the moment a phone call came, the warmth of winter, which had seemed to turn into spring, began to disappear.

On a Saturday morning, Heewoon pressed the doorbell of Gangwoo’s house, and at the same time, his phone rang. It was an unsaved number, but one he had memorized.

—Hey. Going to your lover’s house?

“Yes?”

Heewoon was startled and looked around. Just then, the gate opened, and Heewoon slipped inside as if escaping.

—I didn’t know Woo Heewoon had such a talent—.

“Wh-What…?”

Thump, his heart dropped.

—Aren’t you sleeping with the owner of that house?

“N-No, I’m not.”

—Of course you are. The atmosphere was suspicious; it looked exactly like that. This damn world is coming to an end. Homo bastards are openly sleeping around.

Heewoon grew paler and paler, listening to the man’s continuing monologue. His feet, which had stepped onto the lawn, stopped as if rooted to the spot. He remembered going to Gangwoo’s graduation.

‘Seo Gangwoo has a girlfriend, they say?’

‘They say he was incredibly gentle.’

He remembered Seo Gangwoo looking around for him, the expression he wore when their eyes met, and his voice saying he didn’t dislike bouquets.

He was afraid. He wasn’t just afraid of rumors about being gay. He was afraid that to others, Seo Gangwoo and he looked like they were lovers. That a relationship that he should want to break off immediately looked like that of a couple.

—Your lover seems to have a lot of money; won’t he pay off your debt? Then we don’t necessarily have to….

“That’s not it!”

Heewoon abruptly cut off the stream of words. He added the last part in a slightly subdued tone, as if he had spoken too loudly.

“H-He’s just a junior.”

—Just a junior, my ass. It was obvious from a glance. The money you send us, that bastard gave it to you, didn’t he?

“N-No, he didn’t.”

—Talk to him nicely and try to get more money.

“He’s really just a junior… A cl-close junior. I’m a man and he’s a man, so I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Heewoon said, trying to remain calm. But his heart pounded as if it would burst out.

—Does that bastard know you’re in debt?

After a moment of hesitation, he answered, “Yes.”

—Really? Then maybe not. Well, we have nothing to lose. It might even be better that way.

The man murmured.

—Then have fun with your close junior.

“Yes.”

The call ended with a friendly tone. Heewoon let out a long breath.

“Is that about me?”

Heewoon was startled and turned his head. Gangwoo, who had been sitting with bent knees, slowly stood up.

Lexie, who had been lying on her back at his feet, panted and got up, circling around. Seeing a ball next to her, it seemed he had been playing with Lexie.

“You were there?”

Heewoon’s eyes widened because he had been so focused on the call that he hadn’t noticed Gangwoo at all.

“You were talking on the phone with someone, not even knowing I was here.”

“That… the person I borrowed money from.”

Gangwoo tilted his head slightly, looked at Heewoon’s face, and slowly walked over.

“So. Was that about me?”

“Ah… yes.”

Gangwoo raised one eyebrow. Heewoon touched his ears and cheeks. The weather hadn’t been cold lately, so he hadn’t worn a scarf, but today his skin felt chilly.

“Just a junior, really just a junior, a close junior…”

Gangwoo stood in front of Heewoon, speaking slowly.

“…Is me?”

His tone and expression were somehow a little cold. Heewoon’s eyes darted around, then he cautiously nodded.

“He must have asked if you were lovers.”

“How did you…?”

“So you answered that you weren’t lovers.”

The mouth that let out the low sound twisted.

Heewoon watched Gangwoo’s expression. They certainly weren’t lovers. If he had answered that they were lovers, Gangwoo might have faced difficulties. Though there was no consideration for Gangwoo in his answer that they weren’t lovers.

“…We’re not lovers.”

Hearing Heewoon’s words, Gangwoo’s mouth twisted.

“Then what are we?”

Heewoon opened his mouth but couldn’t say anything. A relationship of threatening and being threatened. He didn’t think Gangwoo would take that well, and most of all…

He couldn’t even be sure if that was correct himself.

“Huh? Then what are we? Friends with benefits?”

“…No.”

He had thought of the term “friends with benefits,” but they didn’t always have sex, nor did they only meet for sex. And wasn’t “friends with benefits” a relationship based on mutual agreement in the first place? Their relationship was unilateral, like violence, not agreement.

Similarly, he couldn’t utter this either. To define it solely as a unilateral, violence-like relationship, Heewoon received quite a bit from Gangwoo. And he even enjoyed those things.

“Right. I wouldn’t do this with friends with benefits.”

Gangwoo gently cupped Heewoon’s cheeks, which had turned red in a short time. However, his hands were also very cold.

“Then what are we?”

Gangwoo lifted Heewoon’s chin a little, met his eyes, and asked quite tenderly. As if teaching a child step by step.

Heewoon knew. Gangwoo was waiting for the word “lover.” But that word made him look back at the past days. Something surged up inside him. Was it unfairness, anger, or fear? It couldn’t be defined as one thing.

“I’m just to you…”

Heewoon’s pupils trembled slightly. An impulse suddenly spilled out.

“Like a well-behaved dog, that’s all.”

The confusion that bloomed inside him might have fueled the impulse. To Seo Gangwoo, he would be nothing more than a well-behaved dog. That was correct. It felt too strange to think otherwise.

“A dog?”

Gangwoo repeated, letting out a hollow laugh.

“Then am I also a bastard dog for having sex with a dog?”

“That’s not it… You’re just playing with me…”

“……”

Gangwoo stared at Heewoon and withdrew his hand.

“Sunbae says cute things well, even though he’s nothing special…”

As his words trailed off, Heewoon tensed his body. Regret was as quick as the impulse. He must have been crazy for a moment. He should have just answered “lover.” What was so difficult about saying it? Being called a “homo bastard” had been a huge shock.

“Nothing special, but you’re really good at making me feel like shit.”