Place to Be Chapter 8

I do not know why it had to be then. At a hideously terrible timing, Seo Chiyoung saw them. Two people were sitting in the window seats of a fast food restaurant that stayed open late into the night. It was Yoon Junyoung and Jang Wigeon.

…No. I have never been like that. Wanting to sleep with a man—I had never even imagined such a thing.

Seo Chiyoung pushed open the door of the fast food restaurant and went inside. Only after the clerk asked him several times did he finally order a cola; he dropped a few coins with a trembling hand and then sat in a seat near the door. Because it was night and there were few people, he could make out the conversation from their somewhat distant seats.

“I’m dying of sleepiness, so why hasn’t Kanghee shown up yet after calling us out to play?”

A familiar voice, languid and heavy with sleep. The mouth that had been gnawing on a straw without even drinking the cola flinched.

“Since you’re the type who always goes to sleep at dawn anyway, why are you complaining about being sleepy when it’s not even midnight yet?”

“I stayed up all night yesterday. It’s been a while since I hooked up with someone decent. Even during the day today, I barely closed my eyes because I was being dragged around by my father.”

“Last night… you mean that person who was with you and was walking with a hobble when I ran into you earlier this morning? It’s fine by me, but don’t do anything that’ll get you sued later.”

“What do you mean sued? They were crying with pleasure until the sun came up and their voice went hoarse. They even earnestly insisted that I absolutely give them my contact information again later.”

“Suit yourself.”

“Hey, don’t be grumpy. You know Junyoung, you’re the only one for me.”

Behind the playfully grinning voice, a cold voice sharpened its edge and snapped frostily that it was creepy.

The ordinary conversations of friends that could happen anywhere continued. It wasn’t quite that graphic, but even at school, he occasionally heard stories with that kind of flow. Even though it was a conversation no different from usual, Seo Chiyoung watched his own hand gripping the cola cup tremble faintly with a bizarre feeling.

He was confused. His mind was a jumbled mess, and he couldn’t even pick out what was what or what he had been thinking until just a moment ago. Among that chaos, the emotion that suddenly protruded like a nail head was envy.

At that moment, Seo Chiyoung felt a maddening envy toward Yoon Junyoung. And toward that unknown person who was said to have been with Jang Wigeon the previous night. Whether it was someone who could talk idly with him at this very moment, or someone who could see every single detail of his undisguised self.

He was envious.

And Seo Chiyoung brought the thought to the surface of his consciousness.

This is not admiration. It isn’t just a simple crush either. How could admiration or a crush elicit such a deadly, painful envy?

Seo Chiyoung liked Jang Wigeon—he liked that man.

Gripping the cup, Seo Chiyoung crouched down, almost collapsing onto the table. Soon, Jang Wigeon, who grumbled, “Oh, Kanghee’s here. …That jerk, why is he waving for us to come out instead of coming in himself, when he’s the one who’s late,” and Yoon Junyoung, who added indifferently, “I guess he’s going to pay for everything we do today,” passed by him.

Soon the bell attached to the shop door rang, and their presence vanished from inside the shop. However, even after that, Seo Chiyoung could not get up from that spot. Until a staff member came to say it was time to close the shop, Seo Chiyoung remained crouched in that spot without moving a muscle.

By the time he entered the house, it was already past midnight. He was severely scolded by his parents, who had been waiting restlessly for their son who had never been late without contact until then.

That year’s winter break was the worst. During the short time left of winter break, he lost several kilograms. Throughout the winter, Seo Chiyoung tried with all his might to deny his own realization, but after trying every possible method one by one to do so, by the time that winter ended, he had no choice but to admit that he had no interest in women.

However, nothing changed. Seo Chiyoung aged just like his other friends and became a third-year student just the same. Since it was a class that had been promoted exactly as it was in the second year, his relationships with his friends were also the same.

He didn’t know how scared he was on the first day of school after the break ended. Due to the stress caused by fear and anxiety, he would often vomit up everything he ate during the few days just before the start of the semester.

What if the people who were nothing more than simple friends until before the break started looking different? What if, among them, he was no longer himself? That fear, which he couldn’t bring himself to speak of even when his worried mother pressured him and took him to the hospital, only finally vanished completely two or three days after school started.

It was the same. The world surrounding Seo Chiyoung had not changed. The only thing that had changed was inside Seo Chiyoung’s head—the realization that the gaze with which he looked at Jang Wigeon was not admiration—that was all.

A person’s adaptability—if one could call it adaptability—is a marvelous thing, and before spring had fully passed, Seo Chiyoung’s thoughts leaned toward the life of an exam candidate. That had been the biggest change that occurred in the environment surrounding him.

Slowly, his heart grew numb. There were still times at night when he couldn’t sleep due to the anxiety that suddenly surged up, but it wasn’t to the point where even water wouldn’t go down his throat like it had in the winter. Partly because the sexual side had never occupied a large portion of his thoughts to begin with, by the time spring passed and summer arrived, he was able to laugh and joke with his friends with a calm mind again just like before. When his friends talked about things related to the opposite sex, he had no choice but to keep his mouth shut, but he didn’t stiffen up awkwardly for fear of looking strange.

Summer came like that. Around the time the final break, which couldn’t even really be called a break, approached in the distance, a rumor circulated through the school.

“—I mean, they say he even sleeps with men?”

The moment he first heard those words, Seo Chiyoung felt as if his heart had dropped. What, who—he couldn’t even bring himself to ask back and just stared blankly at the classmate who had let those words slip. Then, suddenly not knowing what kind of face he must be making, he quickly turned his head away.

When someone asked with a curious voice, “Who?”, the answer came back immediately.

“Jang Wigeon.”

Seo Chiyoung’s heart dropped for the second time.

That rumor circulated through the school before the day was even over. There were all sorts of talk floating around—that it was a malicious false rumor spread by guys who hated Jang Wigeon, no, they say it’s true, someone must have mistaken a girl who looks like a guy, if it’s Jang Wigeon he might not care whether it’s a man or a woman—but in the end, there was no one who asked Jang Wigeon directly.

Since it was a rumor that swept through the entire school like that, it was likely it reached Jang Wigeon’s own ears, yet Jang Wigeon also showed no sign of it. Rather than intentionally hiding it, it was as if it were something neither important nor a big deal; Jang Wigeon’s attitude was no different from before. In the meantime, as rumors usually do, it faded away vaguely after some time had passed, and soon summer break began.

Even though it was called a break, a break for an exam candidate held no meaning of rest. There were supplementary classes throughout the break, so except for exactly one week, he had to come to school on the remaining days just like during the semester. The only difference was that he listened to classes only in the morning and did self-study in the afternoon; the time for arriving at school and leaving school was the same.

It was an exceptionally hot summer.

Although signs had been visible since spring, around that time his father’s words decreased noticeably and a shadow was cast over his mother’s face. Even when he carefully asked if something was wrong or if his father’s business wasn’t going well, the answer did not come, saying he didn’t need to worry about it. However, life was still rolling along as before, and Seo Chiyoung could not pry further even while feeling a vague anxiety.

It was a Saturday in the midst of that. On the last Saturday of August, when the break that couldn’t even be called a break was almost over, I remember it was the day the supplementary classes ended.

On that day, he went home after the morning classes ended. The kids left like an ebbing tide, rejoicing that they would rest even if it was for a break that had only three or four days left, and when the bell signaling the end of lunch rang, the school was filled only with hot sunlight and silence.

Returning from borrowing a book from the library, Seo Chiyoung stood in the shade at the end of an empty hallway and watched the sunlight pouring in dazzlingly through the window. Even though he was standing in the shade, he could not escape the sweltering heat, and sweat seeped out across his whole body.