Chapter 138
That said, if you asked whether Kim Taekjin was simply a difficult or unpleasant person… that wasn’t quite right either.
Every action he takes requires a process of understanding.
In other words, once he’s convinced, there’s a high chance he’ll carry out any action.
Figuring out the limits of that “convincing” of his would also be important…, but for now, Kim Taekjin wasn’t exactly a good person.
Judging by how he opportunistically played both sides, he definitely wasn’t purely good.
Instead, he was efficient.
Everything had to be weighed… efficiency, why something should be done, how it benefits him.
Even this made him the complete opposite of Lee Hoin.
Honestly, if Kim Taekjin didn’t have that tendency to question everything, he wouldn’t have clashed so much with Hoin.
But since he couldn’t understand Hoin, he kept asking questions…
‘And Lee Hoin took it as provocation.’
Kim Taekjin didn’t correct him.
Anyway… things had gotten completely tangled.
After staring at him for a moment, I spoke.
“It’s not a bad thing to make one or two allies. You’re trying to act friendly too, aren’t you?”
Kim Taekjin was silent for a moment.
It was true, he did act that way in his own way.
Though it was entirely for his own efficiency, he still did it.
That smooth, flexible way of handling people.
“It seems worlds apart from what you’re doing.”
That wasn’t wrong.
There was a big difference between simple social bonding and what I was doing now.
“Do you remember what Do Yoseol said about me?”
He must’ve said something.
Not directly, but indirectly… what kind of person I was, how strange it was, things like that.
And since Kim Taekjin could read between the lines, he probably understood the questions forming in his mind.
So… this was the answer.
Some would see it as inefficient.
Others would think there had to be something more behind it.
But there wasn’t.
I was just doing what I could.
And I didn’t overthink it.
If I could help, I would.
Offering counseling, suggesting a few alternatives… those weren’t burdensome to me.
That was separate from survival.
—
[The way they look at you is like you’re a monster.]
[So, who is the monster? You? The narrator? Or the world?]
—
For some, this would be exhausting.
Understanding and carrying someone else’s mental pain could become another kind of pain.
But I was different.
I had a peculiarity.
—
[It’s both laughable and sad how certain you are that you’re special!]
—
I ignored the mocking narrator.
“……”
Kim Taekjin seemed to understand the mechanism roughly, but still couldn’t reconcile it in terms of efficiency.
His brow lifted slightly.
“Is this difficult for you?”
At my question, he thought for a moment… then nodded slightly.
“Yes. I’m not talented at comforting others.”
“I understand.”
I answered simply.
“But I can do it.”
Even now, I don’t know if I have talent for this.
Even after studying and working toward this path for nearly ten years, I still don’t know if I’m talented or even suited for it.
I don’t know if I’m good at it.
But I can do it.
So I do it.
Because it’s possible.
Because it’s not unbearably difficult.
Caring about others, comforting them…
I can do that.
That doesn’t mean it’s easy.
Every moment is difficult.
But still…
I can do it.
“I cannot understand you. Nor can I fully understand them. Isn’t that right? Can you understand me?”
Everyone has different limits.
Even when experiencing the same hardship, they react differently.
It’s shaped by their lives and nature.
So how could anyone fully understand another?
“I know how to help.”
Even if it’s just a small piece of knowledge…
I know how to help.
How to ease their pain.
How to make things a little less difficult.
And sharing that… isn’t hard for me.
“I don’t put a price on sharing. That’s just the kind of person I am.”
Understanding people and things exactly as they appear is difficult… but if you try, it’s not impossible.
You can just accept… that they’re that kind of person.
‘It’s only hard because people don’t try.’
I let out a small sigh and turned my head.
“If you can’t understand me, and you feel like it’s holding you back… then it might be better for you to leave.”
Kim Taekjin was a useful card… but there was no need to bring him into our side right now.
Nor was there any need to match his pace just to understand him.
In the distance, Lee Hoin was watching.
Listening to Kim Taekjin’s question… and my answer.
Blinking slowly, lowering his gaze as if thinking it over.
Just standing there like that.
—
[Well then. Will he stay? Or will he leave?]
—
***
In the end…
Kim Taekjin stayed.
And he began observing me more closely.
Whether he observed me or not didn’t matter much… but since he did, Lee Hoin also began watching me.
Two sets of eyes were always on me now.
My impression?
‘Do whatever you want…’
Really… do whatever you want.
Anyway, what I needed to focus on was Kim Hyeyeon.
Before leaving this place, before leaving this group…
I needed to ease her burden.
Only then could she survive… and the group as well.
Today again, in a mostly empty building, I sat facing her with an older woman who had stayed behind.
“Are you feeling a bit better today?”
It had become familiar… this caretaking.
As I replaced the padding around the cot, I checked the cushioning.
The older woman spoke softly beside me.
“Hyeyeon, want some snacks? Snacks. You liked those… what were they… snake jellies, right? I brought some.”
Her voice was calm and quiet… just as I had instructed.
Kim Hyeyeon stared blankly into the air.
It didn’t seem like the words were reaching her.
The woman inhaled once and wiped her tears with her sleeve.
‘She said she had a daughter around that age.’
Not someone she lost because of this world… but someone she had already lost before.
To depression.
She hadn’t gone into detail, but her daughter had been in a similar state… for months… before eventually taking her own life.
So seeing this must have been painful.
“Oh dear, I’m such a mess… right? Hold on… I’ll go get the jelly.”
I didn’t stop her quiet steps as she left.
I just brought water for Kim Hyeyeon and tidied the room.
So she’d know someone was there.
It’s easier to open up to someone nearby.
“…Um.”
Kim Hyeyeon slowly spoke.
Her face was hollow, her eyes lowered, her breathing uneven.
“Woohyun… is he…?”
She trailed off… then swallowed her breath.
“Was he badly hurt?”
Her voice trembled violently.
She swallowed repeatedly between words, struggling to speak… yet forcing herself to continue.
Like someone who couldn’t delay it any longer.
Like someone who had sinned.
“Was he… really hurt…? So… is that why…”
Why he doesn’t come anymore.
That’s what she seemed to be asking.
I didn’t answer immediately.
It was true that Kim Woohyun was frightened.
It was true he had been hurt.
But physically…
“he’s healthy.”
I told only the truth, without elaboration.
He hadn’t been injured.
Kim Hyeyeon, with hollow eyes, began to cry silently.
“I… ah…”
Her quiet crying soon turned into sobbing.
Though she was sobbing… no real sound came out.
Only the sound of her swallowing.
Strained, choked breaths.
Hic–gasp.
I said nothing.
I sat nearby, placed a handkerchief in her hand, and waited for it to pass.
From beyond the hallway,
I could hear someone else crying too.
There wasn’t much I could say.
So I just stayed… until it stopped.
Until it was all poured out.
Just being there was enough to keep her from feeling alone.
After a long time, she slowly steadied her breathing.
As she calmed down, I spoke gently.
“It’s a PTSD response. A trauma response.”
If only people trapped in trauma could always control themselves… or avoid triggers entirely… how much easier would that be?
But the world wasn’t that simple.
Control wasn’t that easy.
Sometimes, just walking down a street, you might encounter a trigger unknowingly.
You could hurt strangers, become embarrassed, or even harm your own family.
It couldn’t be helped.
It was cruel to say… but you had to be grateful that no one had been harmed.
Because some people cross lines they can never return from.
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