Chapter 54
I couldn’t hastily answer his question. To begin with, giving a definitive answer to someone with Dependent Personality Disorder would only create a new “reference point” that could worsen their dependency.
Of course, abruptly taking away their reference points isn’t the answer either. You can’t make them wander forever searching for one.
The goal had to be helping them trust their own abilities and develop the strength to function independently. An independent human, independent functioning.
‘Damn it, I’m not even independent myself.’
Honestly? This was the first time I’d seen a client who so perfectly matched the stereotype of dependent personality disorder. I was insanely nervous. Just like in real life, there’s no reset button here.
If you hurt someone who came seeking help, it becomes hard for them to open up again. Many people end up unable to trust counselors or psychiatrists at all.
That’s what counseling is like. I clenched my sweat-soaked hands tightly and pressed them down as I spoke.
“You’ve already given your answer.”
He stared at me for a moment.
Lee Hyun wasn’t incapable of answering. The question was, “Am I doing something wrong?” And based on everything he had said, he already believed, subconsciously, that he was.
“You said, ‘I used them as shields.’ You already recognize that it wasn’t the right thing to do.”
Lee Hyun looked at me uneasily.
“You’ve already concluded. Remember the ethics you learned as a police officer.”
So I guided him slowly to the answer. Slowly retracing his steps.
“The code you learned as a police officer… do you remember it? Could you recite it now?”
At my words, Lee Hyun began reciting the Police Charter.
“…We were born with the liberation of our nation, and we are the police of the Republic of Korea who have defended today’s free democratic society with loyalty to our country and people.”
His voice started weak, but as he continued, strength returned to it.
“We are entrusted with the honorable duty of protecting individual freedom and rights, maintaining social peace and order, and ensuring that all citizens can live peaceful and happy lives…”
Things he already knew by heart.
“We respect the dignity of all people and serve everyone warmly as kind… police officers.”
Words he had devoted himself to.
“We pursue truth in the name of justice… and we are righteous police officers who never compromise with injustice… or illegality.”
His voice trembled slightly.
“We enforce the law fairly… based solely on conscience, grounded in the trust of the people… police officers.”
Words he might still be devoted to.
“We… diligently perform our duties with sound judgment and refined expertise… We are clean police officers who always maintain discipline and live modestly… in unity and harmony…”
Words he might return to again.
I deliberately exhaled slowly so he could steady his breathing. Letting his emotions settle.
I gave him space to release what was building up.
“How do you feel right now? If it’s hard to answer, you can take more time.”
I spoke carefully. He remained silent for a long time, about three minutes. During that time, he tried to speak, stopped, tried again, stopped.
I waited patiently. I didn’t rush him. I let him speak when he was ready, in his own thoughts.
Only after more time passed did he finally speak.
“…I feel bad.”
“And?”
“…I regret it.”
“What do you regret?”
He fell silent again. His fists clenched so tightly his fingertips turned white. I gently placed my hand on his wrist and patted it.
“Let’s take it slow. We have time. If it’s too hard now, we can continue later. You don’t have to unpack everything right now.”
His fists trembled violently. He was gripping too hard. His nails dug into his palms… a form of self-harm.
I stopped patting and instead loosened his hands, restraining the behavior.
“Let’s try deep breathing again. Slowly.”
Gradually, he returned to a steady rhythm. After breathing in and out for a long time, he answered.
“…That I couldn’t protect them.”
“Why couldn’t you?”
“…Because I prioritized returning…”
“Why did you prioritize that?”
“……”
He couldn’t answer again.
“Because I thought it was right.”
“Why did you think it was right?”
“……Because there…”
There were the weak. Because I was the center. I could see what he was about to say. But he didn’t say it.
“…Because I was told to.”
And he finally spoke the truth.
“…Because it was decided for me. Like always. Like always, I just followed.”
“I see. Do you regret that?”
At my calm response, Lee Hyun stared at me, unable to speak. His expression asked, ‘Are you really okay with this? Do you despise me?’
That level of defense mechanism was natural.
I met his gaze. I didn’t despise him. What would be the point? His life had shaped him into this.
The kind I despise are those who harm others without caring.
And Lee Hyun?
‘He’s trying to change.’
Even while struggling, he’s trying to face it.
Even while afraid, he’s trying to find an answer.
He hasn’t gone too far yet.
If you’re a counselor, when a client wants to come back, you have to take their hand. That’s the very reason counselors exist.
Lee Hyun finally nodded.
“…Yes.”
Getting this far was already a lot.
“I could have saved them. I hesitated several times. I could have saved them. But I didn’t. I–”
I cut off the self-destructive spiral.
I gave a pause. The sharp emotions dissipated with the interruption. After waiting, I asked again.
“Then what will you do now?”
His fingertips trembled. ‘What will you do?’ as if he had never been asked that before. His eyes shook.
“……”
“You already know the answer.”
He already knew. He just couldn’t say it. Not a question, but a statement. The moment he said it, it would become ‘his’ choice.
He had lived his life in question marks. Now, a period had to be placed.
“But… that doesn’t mean it’s the right answer.”
He couldn’t believe his own choice could be correct.
That was true. No one lives making perfect choices all the time. Even I… who had read this world and been thrown into it, just failed moments ago.
No one lives making perfect choices. Not even gods. Some gods made foolish choices and met death.
Even those deities humans glorified and idealized, Baldr, Inanna, Dumuzi, Geshtinanna, Dionysus, and Osiris, many of them experienced death.
Sometimes it was their own choices, sometimes someone else’s. Either way, there’s no such thing as a “perfectly positive” choice.
“Everyone makes wrong choices. But usually, people learn from them. Me? When I was ten, I got curious about those cheap snacks all the other kids were eating. But I didn’t have friends, and I grew up in an orphanage, so I didn’t have any allowance.”
So I stole.
I just wanted to fit in. Did I know it was wrong? Yes, even at that age.
But I thought it was the only way. I couldn’t ask the director for money, and I wanted to belong somehow.
Of course, I got caught. A teacher from the orphanage ran over, bowed repeatedly to the stationery shop owner, and I cried beside them, apologizing.
As I sobbed, the shop owner sighed and said:
—
“But stealing isn’t okay. That’s a crime, you brat. If you wanted one, you should’ve just been honest and asked politely. It’s not like I’d refuse something that cheap. I’m scolding you because you committed a crime.”
—
When we returned to the orphanage, the director held me and said:
—
“If you need something, you have to say it. How would anyone know otherwise? If you wanted it, you should’ve just said so…”
—
Those words became lessons. Rules.
Follow the rules of society. Coveting others’ things is a crime. If you don’t express what you want, no one will know.
So that’s how the world works. Crossing the line won’t be forgiven just because you’re young.
And the price of that lesson?
“300 won. Not even a thousand or two thousand… just a 300-won junk snack.”
It was 300 won.
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Yea
Awww cutie