Debuting by Riding the Returnee’s Bus Chapter 26

No. 98

 

Just a moment ago, I felt like my heart was going to leap out of my throat. It had been a short period of time, but because I had practiced with everything I had, I wanted to achieve a result I could be satisfied with.

 

Actually, saying I ‘did my best’ didn’t even begin to cover it. After practicing until I was exhausted, I’d return to the dorm and practice until I was exhausted all over again. I practiced to the point of vomiting, to the point where I genuinely thought I might die if I kept going. I slept less than three hours a day and did nothing else, focusing entirely on perfecting this performance.

 

Of course, if I’d been alone, I never could have pushed myself that far. It was embarrassing to admit, but… well, I was always the type to give up easily. As far as I could remember, I’d always been like that.

 

First, it was soccer. I didn’t know if I actually had talent, but at some point, I grew to enjoy it and started playing elite soccer. When I was young, I was taller than the other kids and a fast learner, so I received quite a bit of attention. But as the grades went up and the stages grew wider, I began to realize the gap in talent. Eventually, I used an ankle injury as an excuse to walk away. I gave up before I even reached the finish line because I’d convinced myself I could never get there anyway.

 

My studies were the same. I promised myself I’d study properly, but when my grades failed to improve, I blamed it on my brain having become dull from years of sports and let it all go. Even games were the same. I hated losing. Losing made me angry. The things I once enjoyed instantly lost all appeal the moment I hit my limits.

 

Then, an opportunity came along, and I joined a small agency… but even then, I didn’t expect much. I thought I’d just do it for a bit and then quit, just like I always did. In fact, there were days when I was determined to just throw it all away.

 

The reason I didn’t stop was purely—yes, purely—because it was fun. Dancing with teammates was fun, and singing was fun. Just practicing and hanging out together made me feel good, and I enjoyed being absorbed in something. I began to think that I’d be truly happy if I actually debuted, and I dreamed of standing on a stage one day. Though I denied it to myself, I was slowly, steadily becoming serious.

 

It was the same when I passed the audition for this crappy program. I told my family it was no big deal, but in truth, I was so happy I almost teared up. I felt like there was at least one thing I was good at.

 

‘Of course….’

 

It didn’t take long to realize that it was all an illusion.

 

“Hah… hah….”

 

The world was vast and unfair. There were plenty of guys who sang better and plenty of guys who danced better. Some people had simply been born to be stars, and others possessed an aura that ordinary people could never hope to understand. I, Trainee No. 98, was nothing more and nothing less than a stepping stone for the guys at the top.

 

I realized that watching Joo Wooyoung and Lee Unha.

 

“Whew….”

 

I instinctively knew that a guy like me could never debut, that I was too ordinary compared to them. So I gave up. Since I was on the show, I figured I’d stay until I was eliminated, but I had no intention of taking any of it seriously.

 

If Lee Unha hadn’t taken off his mask that day, I never would have grit my teeth and pushed myself this hard.

 

‘He’s just an ordinary person like us.’

 

If I hadn’t thought that…

 

‘Lee Unha is just a person driven by spite.’

 

If I hadn’t thought that…

 

‘So even someone like you works until you collapse.’

 

If I hadn’t thought that, I could say with absolute certainty, I never, ever would have thought about standing up again.

 

But….

 

‘Ordinary…? Like us? As if….’

 

“Hah… hah….”

 

‘He’s not ordinary at all. This bastard is absolutely not ordinary.’

 

In fact, he felt even further removed from the word ‘ordinary’ than Joo Wooyoung. I couldn’t even bring myself to look him straight in the face. My heart was pounding for a different reason than before. My hands and feet were trembling. I got goosebumps all over my body. That tiny guy suddenly looked unbelievably enormous.

 

I had no idea how to explain what I was seeing. I couldn’t even comprehend what the hell was happening. The atmosphere had shifted instantly. The person standing before me wasn’t the Lee Unha I knew. His presence had changed so much it was as if someone else was wearing Lee Unha’s skin.

 

And I wasn’t the only one who felt it. No one said anything, but I could tell everyone had become strangely conscious of Lee Unha. I could see them deliberately avoiding his gaze. I had no idea what had happened, but…

 

‘Is he immersed? Is immersion even the right word for this?’

 

“Phew…”

 

‘Why the hell is this guy dancing and singing here instead of preparing to be an actor?’

 

“……”

 

‘If he can do that, why is he acting up as an idol trainee instead of debuting as an actor?’

 

No, it was not limited to acting. Possessing that kind of ‘expressive power’ in this industry was a type of talent he himself might not even realize. Was he using method acting? Or was this just an illusion created by overwhelming tension?

 

At least one thing was certain.

 

Ordinary people could never understand geniuses.

 

And the guy in front of me might be one…. No, at least in a certain field, he was definitely a genius.

 

“We will begin the next stage. Team Joo Wooyoung. Please enter!”

 

“Team Joo Wooyoung, please make your way to the stage.”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Yes.”

 

We move cautiously onto the dark stage.

 

“Don’t be nervous. It’s ideal to finish in one take… but they said we can re-film if we mess up.”

 

“R—right….”

 

“Get ready. You too, Wooyoung hyung.”

 

“Right.”

 

“We’re going to win.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Just watch my hands, like we practiced. You know the angles are the most important part. Match the angles. Just remember that. Razor-sharp angles. Razor-sharp synchronization.”

 

The familiar intro began, and the spotlights hit.

 

Thump!

 

My heart sank with the sound. I had experienced it during the rehearsal, but the lights felt even brighter than I remembered. Seeing the three judges in front of me brought back memories of the disastrous stage during the Slave Auction. 

 

Just as my mind was going blank, I felt someone tap my shoulder. I turned back and saw Lee Unha, expressionless, reaching out his hand.

 

‘I have to go.’

 

“……”

 

‘Let’s go.’

 

I took a step forward and started the choreography on the exact beat. I didn’t know whether it was the result of all our practice or because of Lee Unha’s gesture, but my body moved on its own. I wasn’t supposed to look around, but even without looking, I could tell the teammates were moving in razor-sharp synchronization to Lee Unha’s hand signals.

 

I heard Lee Unha’s voice from behind. As much as I hated to admit it, it was a voice that made your ears happy.

 

-I can’t find the exit. I’m wandering through a place where nothing is visible. I keep spinning in the same spot until I collapse. All I see are black walls. Nothing but black walls.

 

It was a small voice. It sounded like he was whispering to himself, but it pierced my ears clearly. I realized he wasn’t just mumbling; he was definitely singing.

 

-Trapped in a MIRO (Maze)

 

The section we called the Maze Rhyme Part came out of Lee Unha’s mouth. Naturally, this part was crucial. It was the section where Lee Unha moved his arms at the end of every sentence. We weren’t like professionals who had practiced one song for years, but at Lee Unha’s command, the four of us moved as if we were one body.

 

Arms up, step, and return according to the beat and the hand signals.

 

-Before my eyes, a DOMINO

 

Change positions—one, two—sit, stand, step, arm thrust, leg thrust, foot greeting—one, two, three.

 

-What can I do about this

 

Switch hands. Swish. Swish. Change formation. Shoulder shake, leg shake.

 

-I don’t even trust myself.

 

Change position, formation shift.

 

Lee Unha looked toward the side of the stage rather than looking ahead. Naturally, the other members moving around him also looked toward the side. In that state, Lee Unha reached out toward the judges. I couldn’t see it myself, but the member on the far right of the formation was likely looking directly at the front of the stage.

 

-My head is spinning and my heart is thumping. I can’t breathe well. I’m so tired of circling the same spot. Where am I right now? Can I escape from here?

 

We changed formation again while dancing. This time, Lee Unha turned his gaze diagonally.

 

-The place I thought was an exit wasn’t one. Wandering again in the MIRO. I tell my head to move my feet. But I’m still inside the MIRO, MIRO.

 

This time, the member next to him would be facing the judges directly to perform their part. Then came the Killing Part handled by Joo Wooyoung. Lee Unha faced forward again before lowering both his head and body.

 

As he stretched one arm straight out behind Joo Wooyoung, Joo Wooyoung broke away from the formation and stepped to the front of the stage. At this part, all the other puppets stopped. Our bodies slumped as though our strings had been cut.

 

Because of that, though it was only his back, I could catch a glimpse of Joo Wooyoung out of the corner of my eye. It was natural. It was only natural, but….

 

‘Bastard. You lucky bastard.’

 

The sight of him performing the choreography with his long limbs made me want to let out a hollow laugh. Who said the heavens were fair? It wasn’t just the dancing. It was his voice, expressive but not overdone, and his singing, which hit every pitch like a machine. 

 

Under the spotlight, he must be shining brilliantly. He must be captivating the gazes of the judges and the staff.

 

Then it suddenly struck me that my own situation was exactly like this. I wasn’t the one dancing and singing under the flashy lights; I was the puppet with cut strings in the shadows, just watching… I felt like that was my place.

 

‘Dammit. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it.’

 

Even I was surprised by myself, but I felt tears beginning to well up. I felt so miserable and pitiful—no, I felt pathetic for not working harder than this—that I felt like I was going to burst into tears. Just as the anxiety that I would always be left behind in this spot began to surge…

 

I felt Lee Unha’s hand tap my shoulder again. Involuntarily, my eyes followed where his hand pointed, and my body began to move. I moved my steps not toward the lightless darkness, but toward where the bright lights were shining.

 

I could see the judges. I started to think that one day, I wanted to stand not in front of judges, but in front of countless fans.

 

‘Ah… I want to debut.’

 

My limbs moved. I might not look as radiant as Joo Wooyoung, and I might not look as special as Lee Unha, but I kept moving my limbs over and over.

 

‘I want to debut.’

 

Beads of sweat fall. My voice felt muffled because my breathing was ragged, but I puffed out my chest and poured out my assigned lyrics anyway.

 

This was the Drop section that brought down the excitement Joo Wooyoung had built up. It was a role meant to make the following chorus and the dance break in the bridge stand out more, but it was a part that could sufficiently draw attention.

 

‘I want to debut.’

 

I could see the expressions on the judges’ faces. A slight smile seemed to be spreading across them. Then, suddenly, I realized.

 

Their eyes weren’t on me.

 

‘F*ck… f*ck… I want to debut.’

 

Even before the chorus hit, they were already looking at Lee Unha. I realized there was nothing more I could do, I knew there was no way to steal the judges’ eyes, I realized that no matter how much light was poured on me, I couldn’t beat natural talent, but….

 

This time,

 

‘I’m going to debut too.’

 

This time,

 

‘I said, I’m going to debut!’

 

This time, I didn’t give up.