Struggle Chapter 104

There was no windstorm, and no pitching ship. He was floating as if his body were carried on the breeze, with nothing at all. It was serene and peaceful. He had always feared the water. But at the same time, there were times he wanted to be buried within it. Nanyoung was drawn to the fact that no matter how the waves battered, the inside was still.

‘It’s true. It really is still….’

Nanyoung did not open his eyes, nor did he move his limbs. He liked this lightness. There was nothing around him, and he could not feel the passage of time. He felt as though he had forgotten something, but he did not wish to recall what it was that he had forgotten. Without any thought, he wanted to linger like this, like dust. He was not Grand Prince Heonui, nor Grand Prince Baegan’s nephew, nor the king’s brother. He even liked this moment of being not even Lee Nanyoung.

‘Nanyoung.’

Then Nanyoung’s eyebrows twitched at the sound of someone calling him.

Don’t wake me…. He wanted to answer thus, but even murmuring that much was a bother.

‘Nanyoung.’

But they called him repeatedly, so he could not ignore it after all.

They must have called more than thirty times. Was it the thirtieth time? In the end, at that persistence, Nanyoung slowly opened his eyes.

What was before his eyes was a dragon robe. There was no winged royal cap worn. The dragon robe was billowing, and the face was not visible due to the warm sunlight shining down from above.

‘Father…?’

He wondered if it was his father, who had been affectionate, yet because he was the king, could not afford to be tender to his frail youngest son, who lacked any talons or fangs.

As soon as he saw the dragon robe, Nanyoung thought it was his father and squeezed his eyes shut again. He could not face him. Because as soon as he saw that red hem of the robe, Nanyoung came to remember why he had wanted to remain here. How could he have the face to see his dead father when he had been assigned to avoidance with his uncle, when he had lain with his father’s younger brother.

‘Go away.’

Nanyoung curled up. He hid his face and tried not to turn around.

‘Go away. I’m going to stay here. I won’t go anywhere, right here….’

He stubbornly curled up and closed his ears. No matter how many times they called, he would never open his eyes again. Even when the face he missed piercingly rose to mind, he forcibly pushed it away. Nanyoung was the very rising tide, the very waves.

‘Nanyoung.’

But that voice was stubborn. Nanyoung turned away further and curled up tighter.

They must have called thirty times, and then thirty-three times more. In the end, Nanyoung turned his body, saying, “I said go away!”

And there, in that place, there was no red hem of a robe.

The dragon robe was receding backward, and what was there was not a blue hem, but a black hem. There was a man whose white collar was disheveled, holding a familiar pendant ornament in his hand. That ornament was his own, and the one who had disheveled that collar was his own handiwork.

‘If you don’t want to go, fine, let us stay here.’

The man who had been wearing the dragon robe draped over his shoulders was not Father, the late king, but Lee Taerok. It was Grand Prince Baegan, who had dreamed of the dragon throne.

But now he has even cast off that dragon robe, disheveled, holding not a sword but an ornament—Lee Taerok.

‘Yes. If you don’t want to go, let us stay here.’

Taerok reached out his hand and tied the ornament to Nanyoung’s waist. Then he straightened the clothes that had been roughly stripped away without Nanyoung even knowing.

‘In exchange, I will stay here too.’

Taerok, having straightened Nanyoung’s collar, whispers tenderly and kindly.

‘If you are here, then I will not go anywhere either, and stay here.’

‘…Uncle. There is no need for you to do the same.’

Nanyoung murmured in a blank voice. He gazes at him distantly, as though Taerok, right in front of him, is far away.

‘There is no need for even you to do this. Don’t do this because of me.’

I am at peace, but Taerok will be weary of it. Nanyoung knows Taerok’s ambition and Taerok’s capacity. He was a man too great even for me.

‘So go. Go, Uncle….’

‘Where would I go.’

He wrinkled the bridge of his nose somewhat playfully and asked back.

‘You stripped me of my private soldiers and made it so I cannot be involved in the court—where would I go.’

The guilt he had been trying so hard to forget caught at Nanyoung’s ankle. One ankle grew heavy, as if he might fall downward. Taerok caught Nanyoung as he floundered.

‘You arrange for me to be bound in avoidance with you, and how am I supposed to live on alone.’

That other guilt caught at Nanyoung’s remaining ankle. Weighted by two sinking weights, Nanyoung felt as if he would be sucked straight downward. And yet he could not bring himself to hold onto Taerok and endure. It was Taerok, rather, who was holding his arm.

‘I’m sorry.’

Weeping, Nanyoung apologized to Taerok, who by then was looking down at him from above.

‘I’m sorry, Uncle….’

Taerok let out a hollow laugh at Nanyoung’s appearance. Nanyoung was sinking further and further downward. Into the abyss.

‘There is nothing to be sorry for.’

And Taerok adjusted his grip on Nanyoung’s arm. Though he himself was this heavy, Taerok pulled Nanyoung’s arm as if lifting something very light.

‘Because that was what I truly desired.’

Taerok pulled Nanyoung’s arm and wrapped it around his own neck.

‘You merely stripped away what was covering my eyes and covered them anew. I like it, so there is no need to apologize.’

‘Uncle….’

‘The sense of powerlessness you gave me is, to me, very comfortable.’

Closing his eyes, Taerok wrapped Nanyoung’s arm completely around his neck. How can he move so lightly when my ankles are this heavy. Then, as Nanyoung dropped his gaze, it entered his eyes. That the shackles wrapped around his own ankles were also on Taerok’s ankles. Side by side, on both ankles.

‘So if you dislike it, you don’t have to leave, you can stay here.’

Taerok’s voice is like the sound of an imugi. At first, like a scream, it was dreadful to hear, but as he listened, it was serene and soft, like the sound of a whale.

‘Just don’t go alone. If you commit the same sin and then go alone, what am I to do.’

At the light tone of his voice, Nanyoung looked at Taerok once more. It was a wondrous thing. Even though he was underwater, tears were falling, and he could see the tears.

‘So come with me, Nanyoung. Going before your uncle is not the duty of a nephew.’

Nanyoung’s lips quivered, then pressed firmly shut. And he nodded his head.

He sinks downward. Below is the abyss. But it is not an ominous darkness. It is the soft, warm darkness seen when it was time to sleep, when they would say close your eyes and count to three.

Nanyoung held Taerok’s hand just as he had when he was sick, when Taerok had come to his residence and he had held his hand.

∞ ∞ ∞

As the royal physician had said, Nanyoung began to suffer from a high fever. As if there was no more water left to vomit, Nanyoung only coughed. Though his lips were visibly parched and cracking, they were told not to let him drink water carelessly, so Taerok repeatedly soaked a cotton cloth in water and pressed it to his lips.

“Lee Nanyoung.”

Grasping Nanyoung’s limp hand repeatedly, Taerok murmured. Even when Yu Bongsu, who had come up, told him his own health would suffer and dissuaded him, he would not listen. Fortunately, because Yu Bongsu had told the others not to address the Grand Prince Jaga carelessly, it could end with Bongsu’s earnest counsel. That Saon would come—that, too, Yu Bongsu prevented.

To that extent, Taerok’s world had grown harsh and narrow. It had shrunk so much that only one being, Lee Nanyoung, could barely fit inside. Nothing entered his eyes, nor was anything necessary.

“Why are you ill so often.”

For no reason, Taerok even tried reproaching Nanyoung.

“Having grown this much, you could manage not to be sick.”

For no reason, he even tried childlike grumbling.

“How long do you intend to keep me waiting. Even setting me aside, we cannot cause His Majesty worry.”

He even tried scolding him by invoking the king.

“Even if all else is set aside, you cannot leave me behind, can you….”

And always, the last was a plea.

Taerok and Nanyoung were accomplices like no other in the world. They had committed a sin that could not even be compared to rebellious intent. From the start, Taerok had known which sin was graver. In truth, he had only feigned rebellious intent in order to commit that sin. It seems that, trying to deny that he coveted you, that he lusted after you, he had been occupying his mind elsewhere. So if you do not wake, he will have no choice but to harbor rebellious intent again.

Taerok’s threat was plausible and, at the same time, powerless.

Already, they were entering the third night. They said if such a high fever continued into the fourth day, it would be dangerous. Rendering all the tightly wrapped layers meaningless, Nanyoung was now stripped bare, covered only by a single thin summer blanket—no, not even that, but only Taerok’s outer robe.

“Nanyoung.”

Taerok held Nanyoung’s hand tightly in both of his. It was a dry hand.