Struggle Chapter 105

“If only you leave like this, our matter does not become as though it never was.”

Once again, he threatens. It will repeat like this, and at the end, it will conclude with a plea once more.

Even knowing this, Taerok had no choice but to do it.

“You robbed me of the chance to become king and left behind only a scarecrow of a Grand Prince—if you vanish, I can no longer even be Lee Taerok, so if you go, where would I go.”

“…”

“Do you mean to leave me as nothing but a scarecrow.”

Taerok readjusted his grip on Nanyoung’s hand once more. He held it so tightly it would bruise. Waiting for him to say it hurt, to please let go a little.

And at the end of a long sigh, Taerok pressed his lips to Nanyoung’s knuckles. With his lips against them, he murmured in a trembling voice.

“Just don’t go alone.”

“…”

“If you commit the same sin and go alone, what am I to do.”

What am I to do with the long life left to me. They say that without you, the king will not even grant me death. That until a new foundation of the state is born, I must live wearing the shell of the loyalty you left behind.

Taerok’s dry eyes grew wet. Having been open for so long, even the gathering of tears was as painful as a burning sensation.

“Nanyoung, going before your uncle….”

Moistening his lips, Taerok pleaded in a submerged and trembling voice.

“Going before me is not the proper duty….”

“…”

“Nephew, were you born later than me into this world so that you could go before me?”

And Taerok rested his forehead upon Nanyoung’s knuckles.

Taerok’s back trembled quietly.

And at that moment, Nanyoung’s eyelid twitched. Very slowly, as if pushed up upon the foam, that thin eyelid was lifted. Like the moment when he was swept to the shore by the suddenly changed current. Like the time when everything was a miracle.

∞ ∞ ∞

Taerok stands beside Nanyoung, who has come out for a walk. He holds Nanyoung’s hand and helps him, one step at a time. It was a careful touch, as if looking after a child who had just taken its first steps.

After walking for about a quarter-hour, Nanyoung had to rest as much as he had walked. Walking a quarter-hour and resting a quarter-hour—in this manner, covering the circuit of the Pyeonggak magistrate’s official residence, which was small compared to the princely household, took a great deal of time.

Even this was a swift improvement. The royal physician had been more skeptical. Originally, Nanyoung’s lungs were not healthy. Because of that, he caught colds more easily than others, and it was said that this time, from drinking water, his condition had worsened. Hearing those words, Nanyoung had been calm, and Taerok had gone out and walked for a long while, returning only after the sun had set.

‘If I had originally been healthy and then became this frail, I might feel wronged and inconvenienced, but I have always been of weak constitution, so it does not affect me.’

Rather, it was Nanyoung who comforted Taerok.

‘Besides, since a troublesome child whom they worried would not even live to the age of five has survived this long, it seems that, in any case, I am possessed of more good fortune than others.’

Taerok, who had been making an effort to discern whether those spirited words were a white lie or sincere, soon abandoned such efforts. From childhood, Nanyoung had known that the adults around him held no expectations of him, and even amidst that, he had resolutely survived on his own. To view those words now, that will, with skepticism would do nothing but disappoint Nanyoung. Even if it could not be a support.

‘Indeed. I, too, know well how very disobedient my nephew is, so I shall not believe the royal physician’s words.’

Thus, Taerok, too, deliberately answered lightly. It was only natural that Nanyoung laughed sincerely at those jesting words.

Just having him wake was already a relief, he had said, yet he found himself hoping for more.

‘It seems I am quite the greedy one as well.’

When they began to walk again after resting, Nanyoung said spiritedly, his face tinged with a flush. Taerok chuckled.

‘Of course. Whom does he take after.’

The two greedy Grand Princes walked thus, past the luncheon table and until the dinner table was brought in. They never once let go of each other’s hands, but given the circumstances, people merely thought at the sight of the uncle and nephew that their bond was truly close and affectionate.

“If you are thirsty, tell me.”

At the sound of Taerok’s voice attentively looking after him by his side, Nanyoung smiled bashfully.

“It feels strange, Uncle being so tender.”

Taerok raised an eyebrow at Nanyoung, who was bashful to the point of squirming, and asked back as if puzzled.

“I have always been tender?”

“…”

No matter how much I like you, Uncle, you know that’s nonsense—the look Nanyoung cast sidelong said this, so Taerok burst into laughter.

The insides of Taerok, which had been festering all the while, had been mending steadily ever since Nanyoung woke. However, when night fell, he still could not sleep and feared the darkness. At such times, he would bring a lamp from the room where he was staying, light both, and stay by Nanyoung’s side until the oil was all burned away. When he patted his stomach and chest as one would do for a young child, even the trembling in Nanyoung’s hands that he tried to hide would gradually still, and before they knew it, he would be asleep, breathing evenly. Then Taerok, even if it meant waking several times in the night to hold a finger beneath his nose, would finally close his eyes.

Even so, he was far less exhausted than when he had been waiting without any promise. Taerok learned through Nanyoung that a person does not live merely because their heart beats and they draw breath.

“When I sent Sim Eung and Sim Suhwan out first, I doubted myself.”

Standing beneath a winter tree after pausing for a moment, Nanyoung, for the first time, draws out the memory of that incident.

“Because I could not be certain whether I sent the two of them first in order to save myself, or to save the two of them.”

“There are scarcely any who could be certain in such a situation.”

“Do you think so…? I have always only ever received, so giving was unfamiliar to me. Even as I placed myself last as a Grand Prince, at that moment, because I was a Grand Prince, I could not trust myself the most….”

“…”

“Uncle, as I grow up, I come to understand you.”

Taerok wiped away the cold sweat that had broken out sparsely, so that Nanyoung’s body would not grow cold. He quietly waited and listened to what Nanyoung had to say. Thanks to Nanyoung, he had grown very accustomed to waiting. He, too, having been born and raised a Grand Prince, had not exactly cultivated waiting as a virtue.

“Living as a Grand Prince was a very uncomfortable thing.”

“Does one not receive as much in return.”

“True…?”

Resting his head against the tree bark, which was raised in ridges like dragon scales, Nanyoung turned his head toward Taerok.

“So I have decided, Uncle.”

Whatever decision Nanyoung makes, I will accept it—Taerok promises himself. No, he tries to. What if Nanyoung says he will leave him forever. But still, for a nephew whose very awakening is a miracle, as his uncle, must he not endure that much pain? The windstorm in Taerok’s heart still had not ceased.

“It would be better if Grand Prince Heonui did not exist in this world.”

“…”

But the words that came back were something Taerok had not anticipated at all.

“It was a much simpler matter than I thought. Rather than existing and causing difficulty, it is better to disappear and become shackles to no one. Because I realized that the existence of Grand Prince Heonui was shackles even to myself.”

The death coming from Nanyoung’s own mouth made Taerok’s body turn cold. As Taerok’s hand stopped upon his forehead, Nanyoung grasped that wrist and drew it down.

“Would not Lee Nanyoung, who is not Grand Prince Heonui—no, would Nanyoung not be acceptable to you?”

In Nanyoung’s eyes, smiling bashfully as he asked, there was no windstorm. Having returned from the brink of death, Nanyoung had grown markedly.

“If I give you only this mere body of mine, would that be insufficient?”

“…”

“Why….”

Flustered, Taerok momentarily stammered.

“Why only your body….”

“Just as you, Uncle, are unsuited to be king, I too realized that I am unsuited to be a Grand Prince.”

Nanyoung took both of Taerok’s hands in his.

“I am going to request that I be deposed.”

“Nanyoung, there is no need for that. You have no need to…!”

“To depose me, the reason must be declared clearly before all the officials, so I will plead and beg that I be considered dead.”

“Are you mad?!”

At the astonishing words, Taerok ended up shouting in a burst. But Nanyoung, who ordinarily would have averted his gaze bit by bit like a young dog mindful of its surroundings, now looked straight at him.

“If I had not been mad from the start, there is no way I could have come this far.”