Struggle Chapter 120

Since that day, he had never gone near the water’s edge. Would the fear of water from that incident truly not remain…?

“A water route….”

The mountain path risked encountering tigers and could not accommodate a cart. Having the guards push the cart and draining the strength of innocent men was not a wise course of action either. The answer was one in any case, but the one thing that made Taerok’s mind move so inefficiently was so absolute and so important that he kept hesitating.

“Mm….”

Just then, Nanyoung opened his eyes. Blinking slowly, he saw Taerok’s hand resting beside his face and covered it with his own. Smiling sleepily, he asked,

“When did I fall asleep?”

“Before I ejaculated one more time.”

In other words, Taerok had gone one more round even after Nanyoung had collapsed from exhaustion.

“Always… leaving someone who’s lost consciousness like that….”

“It is not my responsibility that you always lose consciousness like that. I am always holding back, adjusting myself to my nephew. It would be nice if you would adjust a little more to me.”

Nanyoung pouted his lips like a bird’s beak, as if hurt.

Gazing silently at that, Taerok lay down beside Nanyoung.

“I am thinking of taking the water route to the capital.”

“The water… route?”

“We must also bring the falcons to be sent to the Royal Falconry, and the mountain path is not suitable. There is no answer but the water route. We could take the mountain path if we must, but the guards and servants would have to suffer needlessly.”

Taerok already knew Nanyoung’s answer.

“Then we must take the water route.”

This was Nanyoung, who had remained on the boat until the very end to save the servants and eunuchs first. There was no way such a Nanyoung would insist when others were certain to suffer.

“I was afraid you would be frightened.”

Taerok stated his worry plainly.

“If you are afraid of the water, the journey will be exceedingly arduous.”

“It’s all right. I am not going alone, and this time, Uncle, you are coming with me.”

“So you are saying it’s fine because even if we die, we’ll die together?”

Nanyoung was expected to ask why he always had to twist things so, but unexpectedly, he nodded.

“Yes. I will definitely go together with you, Uncle. I won’t go alone.”

“You are not in your right mind.”

“We agreed to be punished together, didn’t we.”

Even at Taerok’s disappointingly cold response, Nanyoung persisted, disguising it as a tantrum.

“You said we should be punished together. Then we must cross the River of Three Crossings together as well. After doing wrong together, were you planning, unmanfully, to slip away alone?”

“I did have a mind to change—it was not I who chose my nephew, but my nephew who chose me.”

“Cowardly….”

“Everyone will think so and give me an even greater punishment. Saying that it is merely an excuse, and that the wrong heart was in you too from the beginning.”

Nanyoung’s eyes grew round and wide.

“It was there from the beginning…?”

He could not give a definite answer. Taerok admitted it readily. That he had been slow to realize his own feelings. That in that alone, he had been slower than his nephew, born over ten years after him.

“Well. At the very least, I thought it might come to this.”

By coincidence, it was a thought Nanyoung had had as well. That when his own heart committed its sin before Taerok’s did, even if he were to choose again among thousands, hundreds of choices, he would somehow return to this moment….

“If we are reborn in the far distant future and meet again as uncle and nephew like this, will we end up like this again?”

Taerok found it curious that Nanyoung would ask about something he himself would never do. Why does he always live with such thoughts? But since he was asking, he might as well answer….

“Probably.”

“…”

“But if possible, let us meet under a somewhat different connection. Yes, for instance, as strangers.”

“Strangers? How would it be best for us to meet?”

It was tiresome. Though he cherished Nanyoung more than his own life, Taerok was not imaginative enough to answer such trifling questions one by one, nor was his eloquence particularly ornate.

“Now sleep, Nanyoung.”

Instead, he could pull Nanyoung into his arms with brute strength and force him to sleep.

“Uncle, please answer me. Uncle? Are you sleeping?”

“If you don’t sleep, I can put you to sleep again.”

“…”

As if to prove it was no empty threat, Taerok’s hand squeezed Nanyoung’s buttocks firmly. It was the place on Nanyoung’s body with the most flesh, where handprints never had a chance to fade.

Nanyoung shut his mouth tightly. His groin throbbed, and the bone above his thighs felt as though it might come out of its socket. If he spread his legs any further here, he truly would be bedridden for days, and if he protested, Taerok would say he could do it without spreading his legs, bind them, and rummage inside him with his legs slung over his shoulders like a hunted catch.

He couldn’t allow that. If he started wasting away, the courage he had barely mustered to go to the capital would surely dwindle. Nanyoung closed his eyes tightly.

That night, he dreamed. Taerok, seen dimly, was very young, and Nanyoung could not even properly control his own body. Even though Taerok’s eyes held no interest, he kept wanting to grasp him. He hoped he would not turn his head away too quickly. So he reached out his hand and grabbed him.

His life’s first conquest, filling his palm… his first greed….

∞ ∞ ∞

The river, frozen all winter, was transparent to the point of being cold. Though the pebbles on the bottom were all visible, making it clearly different from the sea, Nanyoung could not easily step forward. As he swallowed dryly and looked out beyond the ferry dock, a strong hand pulled him in.

“Why are you looking over there? The place we are to set foot is not the water but here.”

It was Taerok.

Taerok pulled Nanyoung close to his side. Though Nanyoung’s head kept turning of its own accord, Taerok raised his arm so that his sleeve completely blocked the view beside him.

And so, before he knew it, he had boarded the boat. The moment it seemed to rock, Nanyoung grasped Taerok’s arm tightly. As if he had been waiting, Taerok lowered his hand and laced his fingers with Nanyoung’s. At the strength entwining between his fingers, Nanyoung let out a soft breath with a low exclamation. Without realizing it, he had been holding his breath as if suffocating.

“There will be no sudden whirlwinds, and since it is a river, there will be no fierce currents surging in. Consider it no different from a rough mountain path and feel free to rest.”

Nanyoung nodded quietly. With the movement, the thin silk cloth covering the rest of his face except his eyes swayed.

The excuse that he had badly injured his face and was reluctant to show it was a lie to conceal Nanyoung’s identity. When asked if it wasn’t stifling, he had said that on the contrary, covering it made him feel at ease. Taerok, perhaps feeling the weight of deep emotion at the sight of Nanyoung with his face covered and at the situation where only by doing so could he return to the capital, was being unusually affectionate.

He had known Taerok to be an indifferent man whose tenderness was like a breeze that occasionally tickled the skin, but he did not dislike such blatant affection either. On the contrary, he liked it. He even thought it was rather an advantage that, with his face hidden, he could smile.

Seated at the stern, Taerok and Nanyoung shared the yakgwa they had packed in advance. The rice syrup had hardened without melting, making it good to eat. Eating something so sweet, and being with Taerok who held him whenever he felt even the slightest queasiness in his stomach, the river that had at first been so daunting he could barely glance at it now looked different.

“It’s beautiful….”

Nanyoung murmured, watching the glittering fish-scale ripples of the water.

Thousands of pieces of mother-of-pearl seemed embroidered stitch by stitch upon the water’s surface. It was as if they had been firmly fixed with gold thread in double quilting, and then the transparent waves, like fine silk gauze, were shaken by the wind and thinly hammered flat, making the mother-of-pearl dance in turn. It seemed as though a jingling sound might be heard.

“How long will it take?”

“It will take half a day.”

“I wouldn’t mind if it took a little longer.”

“It may pass through the night. You mean you want to stay longer, not that you want to disembark soon?”

“Yes….”

Nanyoung took Taerok’s hand with his own, sticky with sweet rice syrup. His thumb.

“It’s peaceful. As if only the two of us exist in this world….”

At those words, Taerok turned his gaze to the river as well.

Only the sound of water slapping against the boat and scattering was heard occasionally; no other sound could be heard. Even the sound of the wind seemed absent. Within that, they could hear the beating of each other’s hearts. The sounds gradually grew similar, until at last they overlapped into one.