Struggle Chapter 123

Because it was in front of him, there would be things he was hiding. Taerok went outside and waited until the sun had completely set, then went back in. Nanyoung, too, had waited until the ink dried, waiting for Taerok.

“I have finished writing.”

There in that place was Nanyoung, looking as if everything had been drained out of him, leaving only clear water.

“I didn’t cry.”

The sheepish smile he gave was his attempt to comfort Taerok.

“There is no need for you to force a smile for my sake.”

Taerok folded the letter. He thought he would place it beside the fragrance pouch, so that Nanyoung’s scent might remain.

“I, too, have no face to see Her Royal Highness the Queen Dowager.”

Above all, he had no face to see his sister-in-law. But just as Nanyoung had thrown away everything for Taerok, Taerok, too, was shouldering everything he could in Nanyoung’s stead—including his blood relations, whom it was difficult even to privately call family, and above all, his unshakable responsibility and duty toward the king.

“It was well done not to cry. You must see His Majesty tonight, after all.”

“…I am so nervous I feel as though I might vomit.”

“Is that not why you could barely touch the midday meal? I heard about it. Since everyone was worried, I told them you are naturally a small eater, but from next time, it will not be permitted.”

Even in a situation like this, there were acts of childishness that were tolerated and those that were not. Seeing Taerok’s unchanging demeanor, Nanyoung felt at ease instead. If both of them had wavered, they would have ultimately shattered like a ship dashed against a reef. When Nanyoung, who had become the sail, swayed with the wind, Taerok became the flat-bottomed, heavy hull, advancing straight in the direction they had to go.

“Will you try to catch even a little sleep?”

“No. There remains one last thing to do.”

Nanyoung took out a pouch that he had preciously placed in the deepest part of his luggage. He lifted scissors and cut the thread of the seam. It was neither perfect nor beautiful, but he had done his absolute best, and had poured all his heart into it. May you be healthy, may you be bright, may you be comfortable, and may you be happy.

Taerok waited for Nanyoung. He did not urge him that he must eat dinner. Then, when the sun had completely set and just before curfew, the two left the palace.

The way there was silent. With no attendants whatsoever, only the two of them headed for the side gate of the palace. Not the gate captain, but Mr. Kim Saon of the Royal Investigative Bureau was waiting.

He stared blankly at Taerok and the veiled Nanyoung who stood behind him, then opened the gate. As he passed, Nanyoung looked at Mr. Kim Saon, but he stubbornly averted his gaze. That was his consideration.

“It is dark, so be careful.”

Taerok’s consideration was of this sort.

He drew Nanyoung to stand beside him, making sure he would not trip by stepping wrongly on the flagstones.

They entered not the main hall, but the place where the king privately arranged affairs of state, located in the king’s bedchamber. As they stood before the door, goosebumps rose all over Nanyoung’s body. He was so tense he felt he might even drop the pouch he had brought tucked inside his sleeve.

And at last, a voice from inside said, “Enter,” and the door opened.

His brother, the king, was there, with the sleeping prince lying beside him.

Nanyoung drew in his breath.

∞ ∞ ∞

The reason Taerok had been able to come to the place where Nanyoung was, was because the prince who would be the foundation of the state had been born and more than two hundred days had passed. It was obvious that the child would become the crown prince, and Taerok was finally able to become a grand prince of a bygone generation.

Since then, another year and another year had passed. The prince had just turned three years old. It was his time to sleep, so it was natural that he was dozing. And Nanyoung realized that the king had purposely summoned them at this hour.

“…”

A heavy silence flowed between the brothers.

Looking at the veiled face of his younger brother, the king felt a surge of complicated emotions and anger. His frustration was so great he wanted to seize Nanyoung and shake him, to rage at him. Above all, he glared resentfully at Taerok, whom he had at least respected in childhood, but whom he now regarded solely as a loyal subject. The man almost looked like a scoundrel who had seduced an innocent younger sister. Though one might ask where one could find a scoundrel that handsome and neat.

The king let out a long sigh. This was the brother who had said he would rather become one of the dead and had left, following his own heart. There were many things he wanted to say, but he knew it was already too late, and that his brother was not one to listen to it. Moreover, no matter that it was not the time for state affairs, a king is a king forever. Even after death he would be a late king, and even if they met secretly in the deep of night, he could never be solely Nanyoung’s older brother.

“Haa….”

At the king’s successive sighs, Nanyoung felt he had no face to show.

And only after a long while did the king, did his older brother, gesture.

“Let me see your face, for the first time in a long while.”

Nanyoung hesitated, then lowered the veil.

The revealed face was fair. Recalling how he had looked when he was in the capital and when he had last seen him, he had definitely blossomed. It was unsettling. Seeing his younger brother, who had always been sickly and always like a mountain leaf, faring so well, his mind and heart wandered separately.

“I regret asking to see you.”

At his older brother’s words, Nanyoung flinched.

“But I am also glad to have seen you.”

At the strengthless voice, Nanyoung pressed his lips firmly shut. A wrinkle like a walnut shell formed on his chin. Trying to hold back tears, his hands trembled faintly.

The king, who had been keeping his head deeply lowered, gestured to Nanyoung. This time, it meant come here.

Nanyoung approached on his knees. Taerok, who had been watching from behind, let out a hollow laugh at the fact that the king was pretending not to notice him, as if he did not exist. It seems he truly detests me. He looks at me as one looks at a son-in-law who has stolen a treasured only daughter. However, even Taerok, having what little shame there was in this matter, knelt without a single sound just as the king wished and simply watched only Nanyoung.

“Is this the first time you see the prince?”

The voice of his older brother, who had become a father in the time they had not seen each other, was clearly quite different from before. A burning affection could be felt. Nanyoung slowly followed his gaze and turned his head toward the nephew he could not call nephew.

“He will not know of your existence.”

“Yes, Your Majesty.”

“Since it is the path you chose, you will not find it regrettable.”

“Of course not.”

Nanyoung’s voice was blank, as if spellbound by his lovely nephew.

I hope he is healthy. Above all, I hope he is happy. Tears sprang to his eyes. He felt incredibly tender and yearning.

“…I offer my congratulations.”

“Yes.”

The king, who had hesitated a moment, continued.

“The Queen is with child.”

“That… I also offer my congratulations…!”

Nanyoung, his eyes wide with surprise, exclaimed softly. The king, on the contrary, lowered his voice even further and asked.

“Truly, you will be without a child for your whole life, and still, are you all right with that?”

It seemed he had wanted to say that. That he was more worried about his younger brother than about the greater good fortune that was his own.

Nanyoung’s lips quivered, and then he took out from his sleeve a pouch adorned with gold thread and jade buttons. When he opened the pouch, an exceedingly dainty and cute ornamental trinket, the kind a baby might have, emerged. He had chosen the colors himself, and everything from the butterfly knot to the tassels had been made and attached with his own hands.

“This is… something I personally prepared, stitch by stitch, wishing for the health and well-being of His Young Highness the Prince.”

“…”

“And I wished for him not to be lonely, and to be happy.”

“Nanyoung.”

“I was happy in the palace, but I was also lonely. Loneliness was my greatest friend and my greatest companion, and I thought that since I was born an undeservedly privileged existence, I would have to live with it my whole life.”

“And now. Now, are you not lonely?”

“I know I have no right to speak thus, but I am happy. I am living that way, without shame.”

The king looked at Taerok, who was behind Nanyoung.

His uncle was staring intently at Nanyoung. Even with the king present, his mind was solely in one place, so much so that it made the onlooker’s face flush.

It was easy enough to tell that he had been shaken by what Nanyoung had said. This person, whom he had wondered whether he even possessed feelings, whom he had regarded as a cold-blooded man without shame and without a heart, seemed more than ever like a person with blood flowing through him.

He still could not accept them. It was difficult to accept, and furthermore, it was a position in which he must not accept. He could not turn a blind eye to the gravest of grave crimes.

But at least, he could pretend not to see. Even if he could not accept them, he could refrain from casting them out, insulting them, trampling them, and tearing them apart.

“Nanyoung.”

The king, his older brother, Yigak, quietly called Nanyoung.

“Thank you.”

“…”

“I do not know when we might meet again, but you, too, stay healthy and well. I will, I shall see to it that you fare well.”